Continue? Gold Edition
by Moczo
Summary: You knew it had to happen eventually... Noah's arc kicks off with a bang! Well, actually, more of a light fizzle.
1. New Introduction

Continue? 10, 9, 8…New and Improved, Gold-Inlaid Collectors Edition, now with ten essential vitamins and minerals (Including as much Calcium as a glass of milk!). 

The spotlight shone onto the darkened stage, revealing a lone microphone. A small figure with large, improbably colored hair, walked up to it and clicked it on. He then tapped it a few times to make sure it worked. "Hello, testing? Is this thing on? Good.

"Hello, everybody! My name is Yugi Motoh, and I'm a fictional character! I'd like to welcome you to the new and improved edition of _Continue? 10, 9, 8…_. That's right, the story has been modified to fall back into guidelines. Also, some things have been changed, mostly the removal of small errors or obsolete author's notes; but a few bigger things. And even better, this time the story isn't poisonous to ANYONE! But for the most part it's the same story. Why change a good thing?" _HA! Like this was any good before… _Yugi thought.

Author: I heard that, you little jerk. On with the intro, unless you want me to turn this into a Yugi/Pegasus/Tristan yaoi fic. 

"UGH. No need to get disgusting, I'm working on it. Now, you may wonder why I'm doing the new intro. Well, it's because ever since the jerk who holds all our chains on this little nightmare project…"

Author: I'm right here. I know what you're saying.

"Oh, I'm sorry. Since the incredibly UGLY jerk who runs this little freakshow…"

Author: Excuse me while I go get Tristan and Pegasus.

"All right, all right, I'm sorry! Geez, can't you take a joke?! Okay, so ever since the author, Moczo…"

Author: Hi!

"Got his story deleted, he's trying not to talk to you all for more than a paragraph at a time; so as to prevent any further mishaps. So **I** get roped into doing even MORE work, when God knows it's ME that makes this circus from Hell run in the first place. I mean, who else is gonna carry the story? Bakura? HA! Joey? Don't make me laugh! And YAMI! That dude's about as funny as a root canal. No, it's poor Yugi who has to do all the work, and take all the punishment, and…" suddenly, a rotten tomato flew out of the audience and hit Yugi in the face. "HEY! Who threw that?!"

"That would be ME. You SUCK!" Kaiba shouted, then threw more fruit.

"Yeah!" Malik shouted. "Where do YOU get off bitching when we've put up with ten times as much crap as you!"

"In the first story, nothing bad happened to you! All the bad things happened to the three of us!" Yami added.

Yugi looked from his puzzle, to Yami, and back to his puzzle. "… How?"

"The magic of literature, bitch." Yami said, and beaned Yugi with a hurled bottle.

"OW! Okay, okay, just… y'know, read. And review, so we can feel like we've actually accomplished something here. And, if any of you happen to know what little moron reported the story and got this Bullet Train to Hell derailed? Feel free to tell everyone you know to send him horrible, scathing hate mail fifty thousand times a day. The little jerk deserves it! After we did all that work… OUCH!" Yugi said, as a brick hit him in the face and knocked him unconscious.

"ON WITH THE SHOW, LOSER!" Kaiba shouted.

"… I'd like some popcorn. Would anybody else like some popcorn?" Bakura asked from the back row.


	2. Dramatis Personae and Chapter One

Brief Recap and Dramatis Personae

**Yami and Yugi**: The ancient pharaoh had a hell of a time last story. Cursed with a horrible Egyptian… well, curse… that made him totally incapable of succeeding at whatever he enjoyed doing the MOST, which in his case was Duel Monsters, the mighty Yami found himself unable to win a duel with even the weakest and most inexperienced of opponents, and he… didn't exactly take it well. Yugi, on the other hand, had to LIVE with Yami. That might be even worse.

The pair was finally able to cure the curse, but afterwards they wished they hadn't. The only cure was to experience something that made you feel WORSE than being cursed did, and that came in the form of an un-asked for and VERY unwanted kiss from TRISTAN.

In the time since the end of Game Over, Yugi has rebuilt (In a manner of speaking) his house, which Tristan accidentally destroyed in an attempt to cheer Yugi up after nearly driving him insane with his horrible 'Tristan-Germ' infested kiss. Yami entered into a whirlwind affair with Tea, which lasted approximately a week. Now, as we descend into a dark, twisted version of Battle City and danger awaits them at every turn… can their lives get any worse?

Of course. Who do you think you're reading, here?

**Kaiba**: Seto had it even worse than Yugi. First, his deck was mysteriously stolen out of his super-high-security vault. Then, when he released his family's fabled Demonic task force, the S.S.S.S.S.S (Who bore a _slight_ resemblance to figures from the Lord of the Rings), to hunt the deck down, he discovered they were not QUITE as effective as advertised. Then he lost all his money and his company due to Mokuba's screwing around with his stock portfolio and buying him far, far too many shares in companies that would NEVER be considered wise investments. But the straw that broke the camel's back was once again Tristan, who bought KaibaCorp. with a very, very good savings bond. Unable to cope with the idea of his company being renamed TristanCorp., Seto went completely insane and became convinced that the entire world was nothing but a huge nightmare (Literally. He actually thought he was just dreaming _everything_).

Luckily, Mai managed to return his deck to him (And netted herself the position of KaibaCorp. vice president, even though she basically just picked it up from a spot three feet from him and handed it to him) before he successfully killed himself in an attempt to 'Wake up' from his 'dream'. And through mystical deck-forces that the world may never understand, all things wrong with his life simply righted themselves the moment the deck was returned.

But he literally went INSANE. You don't just recover from that.

**Bakura and Evil Bakura**: Through their position as a KaibaCorp. salesman and salesspirit, Bakura and his Yami made a LOT of money. Through effective conning, threats of violence, and Dark Shadow Powers of Wickedness, they made even more. When the financial turmoil at KaibaCorp. due to Tristan's takeover caused all the money they'd made selling huge, expensive, unnecessary products to people to be transferred into their own bank account, life was perfect. Other than a few fairly major eye injuries, their life was essentially bliss.

Until Evil Bakura reminded me how well he had it. He should have kept his mouth shut. No more going easy on him, that's for sure.

**Malik and Yami Malik**: Malik came to Domino to gain the almighty power of the pharaoh.

Unfortunately, he forgot that his older sister Isis had expressly and specifically forbidden him to do that. By the time that he got through with his protracted 'Silence Game' with Evil Bakura, Isis had found out where he was and that he'd killed one of his minions (Another thing she'd ordered him to stop doing)… and she was PISSED. They say it's the quiet ones you need to watch out for, and in her case it's true. Malik spent most of the story desperately trying to escape her implacable wrath, eventually being forced to hide out in the sewers under Domino (Isis hates to get dirty), where he has stayed for three months.

Yami Malik, as always, is a nutcase.

**The Dark, Foul, Evil Sorceress of Chaos and Destruction™:** Something of a misnomer. Although she is, to a certain extent, a sorceress, she isn't really all that Dark, Foul, or Evil. Oh, she tries to be; she just isn't any good at it. She can't even laugh evilly without falling into a coughing fit. Nor is she particularly talented in the fields of Chaos or Destruction. It must be a family name.

What she DOES do is hold a grudge, and when she loaned Yami a nickel that he didn't pay back, she hunted him for FIVE THOUSAND FREAKIN' YEARS, tallying the interest for the entire time (It came out to about ten dollars). She is the one who cast the 'Game Over' curse on Yami, and then dueled him in a VERY rigged game using Kaiba's deck (Which she stole). Unfortunately, Kaiba was watching the duel. The second that she played the Blue-Eyes White Dragon, he snapped out of his insanity long enough to beat her into a coma. It's probably just as well: Yami was her first 'big' evil, and when she beat him, she probably would have just taken his wallet or something.

Come to think of it, she should have woken up by now…

**Tea**: Had a VERY trying week. First Yugi broke her heart by falling for another girl (Who turned out to be the Dark, Foul, Evil Sorceress of Chaos and Destruction™ wearing a very clever disguise). Next she… well… okay, she had sex with Yami. Maybe her week wasn't THAT bad.

**Joey**: Lost his house in the same manner as Yugi, but he didn't really like it anyhow. He got beat up by chickens, in one of the weirder segments… but other than that, he didn't really have too much to do with anything. He'll get a bigger part this time.

He'll probably regret it.

**Tristan**: The unintentional source of much suffering, Tristan, seemingly by accident, took Kaiba's company (And sanity) and made Yami so miserable that his curse (Which could only be broken by INCREDIBLE misery) broke. He then **_accidentally stumbled_** out of the **_shadow realm_** (can you even do that?) where Yami had shoved him, and completely destroyed both Yugi and Joey's homes by delivering 'Tons of Fun Cubes' (One of TristanCorp.'s super fun products: Multi-ton metal cubes that have no function other than to be heavy) directly to their homes. Or more specifically, ON their homes. On the bright side, Yugi managed to hollow out the cube and now lives in it.

He was then blown up by a letter bomb mailed to him by Evil Bakura, basically out of spite. Big T survived, though, to sow pain and terror through the lives of his friends once more.

Chapter 1: The best-laid plans… sometimes just aren't very good.

Deep beneath the surface of the Pacific Ocean, between the Islands of Japan and another, much smaller island, a sinister intellect laid in wait.

"Computer." The cold voice said.

"Yes, Master?"

"Is the trap all prepared for Seto's arrival?"

"Of course, master."

"Excellent. I would hate to see him greeted improperly! Now, what is the location of the Kaiba Corporation airship?"

"KaibaCraft 3 is currently docked at KCHQ in Domino City."

"… … … what?"

"KaibaCraft 3 is currently docked…"

"I HEARD THAT PART! Why isn't it on its way here?!"

"… Why would it be?"

"But… but… I laid this trap! Seto HAS to fall into it! I have an underwater fortress, goddammit!"

"Sir, that does not mean he is necessarily going to walk into your trap."

"Yes it does! I'm right between his company and an island that he hasn't visited in years!"

"Sir… are you feeling okay?"

"I'M NOT SICK! I HAVE AN UNDERWATER FORTRESS!"

"…Indeed. Would you like me to run a diagnostic on your physical condition, sir? Perhaps this moisture is affecting your judgment…"

"I AM FEELING FINE! I have set a BRILLIANT trap, involving virtual reality and businessmen, and now you tell me Seto isn't COMING, even though I put the trap on the route to a place he has no reason to travel to! And goddammit, my fortress is underwater! If you looked out the window, do you know what you'd see?! YOU'D SEE FRICKIN' FISH! BECAUSE WE ARE UNDERWATER! How could he **not** fall into a trap at an UNDERWATER FORTRESS PLACED SOMEWHERE HE HAS NO REASON TO GO?! That's like a guaranteed trap success scenario!"

"Sir, your logic is… confounding. Perhaps we should relocate the fortress to somewhere Seto Kaiba is more likely to frequent?"

"NO! After all the work we did setting it up here?! We are going to wait for Seto to come to us!"

"But… he has no reason to."

"EXACTLY! I'm so glad you see things my way!"

" ::SQUARK!:: LOGIC CIRCUITS UNABLE TO COMPUTE! ERROR ERROR ERROR…"

Noah stared at the radar screens and chuckled coldly. "Soon, Seto… sometime within our lifetimes you may chance upon a reason to head in the general direction of my trap! And when that happens, YOU SHALL PAY! UWEE HEE HEE HEE HEE HEE HEE HEE HEE HEE HEE HEE HEE HEE HEE HEE HEE HEE HEE HEE!"

* * *

Deep in a secret lair in the heart of Egypt, the Rare Hunters listened to the words of their new leader.

The Queen of the Rare Hunters had taken over their operation sometime after Lord Malik had simply dropped off the face of the earth. As mysteriously as he had disappeared, she had appeared just as mysteriously. And despite Lord Malik's vaguely homicidal tendencies and multiple personalities, all the Rare Hunters were finding they had preferred him greatly to the Queen. Malik might have been a little crazy, but the Queen was a certified lunatic.

And lately, she'd gotten worse. When she'd shown up and taken over, she had been constantly cheerful, it had seemed almost like she didn't notice the pain her orders caused. Now, she REVELED in it. Her skin had paled, and she had dark rings around her eyes. Most disturbingly of all, she was never seen without a massive sarcophagus next to her throne. It was never opened, and she never took her eyes off it. Arkana had once been flogged for staring at it.

"Now, my Rare Hunters… I have dispatched Bandit Keith as my puppet to the city of Domino. There, he will claim the Millennium Puzzle… as well as…" her eyes turned longingly to the Sarcophagus, "… the remainder of the artifact. Finally… I shall not only reclaim my own most prized possession, I shall gain the power of the ancient pharaoh! And no one, not Malik, not Isis, not Shadi… NO ONE SHALL STOP ME!"

Rare Hunter met the eyes of his compatriots. Arkana, Lumis, Umbra, Strings (Odion, loyal to Malik above all others, had left the day he had to search for him)… they were the core of the Rare Hunters, and only they knew what was inside the Sarcophagus: One fifth of a dangerous artifact that had once been the queen's most prized possession. It was now scattered over the entire world, but she had found one piece already. If she managed to gather all five…

Rare Hunter was an evil man. He knew it, and he knew he had done some terrible things. But the Queen… if she ever restored her artifact…

And yet none of the Rare Hunters could stop her. They had no choice but to obey her foul whims.

"Now…" she continued. "Everyone, I will soon give you your own assignments in the event of Keith's failure. Does everyone have their Limited Edition Rainbow Brite™ mission assignment Journals?"

All the rare hunters grimaced and said "Yes, Mistress," in perfect unison, getting out the horribly bright and hideously tacky journals. Malik, they remembered fondly, would have gunned down like a dog anyone who brought ANYTHING 'Rainbow Brite' into his lair.

"Excellent. I just love them. They're so pretty and sparkly… you may now disperse. And remember, everyone has to watch three hours of 'Care Bears' before bedtime, and no cookies if you don't eat your greens. Begone!"

Evil. Just pure evil.

* * *

The Dark, Foul, Evil Sorceress of Chaos and Destruction™ stood up. "My name is The Dark, Foul, Evil Sorceress of Chaos and Destruction™… and I have a problem," she said, "It started when I loaned a guy a nickel, and when he didn't pay it back, I hunted his soul down for five thousand years, before cursing him. It wasn't until a crazed businessman beat me into a two-month coma for stealing his playing cards that I realized… I was addicted to evil." The group, Evil Anonymous, clapped.

"And… I wasn't even good at it! I couldn't laugh evilly. Couldn't properly play the game that all evil-doers inevitably learn how to play. I had the look down," she still did, in fact, with her red eyes, flowing black gown, and staff topped with a skull, "but I've still never even successfully pulled off a really EVIL deed! At least, last time, people kept laughing at me, and that weird kid with the white hair stole all my money. And I got beat up. And run over by a car. Twice. That was when I realized that I needed to get off the evil, before it killed me!"

The counselor wiped away a tear. "Dark, Foul, Evil Sorceress of Chaos and Destruction™, we're all VERY proud of you! And we're all here to support you, if you need us, you know that?"

The Dark, Foul, Evil Sorceress of Chaos and Destruction™ struggled not to cry. "Th-thank you! I… I'm going to cry! Is there somewhere I can freshen up? Oh, how embarrassing…"

The counselor smiled. "Of course, you can go back to your room now. You've begun your recovery. Now, who's next?"

"My name is Bob, and I'm a serial mailer. I… break into people's houses, and then I take their stuff and… I… I… I MAIL IT BACK TO THEM! Good god, I NEED HELP!"

"Bob, I think you may be in the wrong group…"

Back in her room, The Dark, Foul, Evil Sorceress of Chaos and Destruction™ got a large trunk out from under her bed. Inside were her Evil Viewing Mirror, her Evil Spellbook, and her various other Evil Paraphernalia. "Hee, hee, hee… Just because I'm in state-mandated Evil Therapy sessions, my pharaoh, doesn't mean I've forgotten you! My 'Game Over' curse may be useless against you now, but I will find another way to CLAIM MY REVENGE! UWEE HEE HEE ::COUGH, HACK!::" As per usual, her pitiful evil laugh degenerated into a coughing fit.

* * *

Yami and Yugi smiled brilliantly.

Kaiba, down to a mere fifty lifepoints and with the Dark Magician facing him down, surrendered.

"I give up, Yugi. You, the ultimate duelist of our age, and your powerful, brilliant ancient pharaoh companion are simply too perfect a team for me!" Kaiba said.

Yugi and Yami smiled. "We are great, aren't we Yami?"

"Yes, Yugi, yes we are. Of course, we owe a lot to the Dark Magician!"

"Yes, yes we do… what's happening to him?!"

The Dark Magician shrunk, turned furry, grew boxing gloves…

"Hey, kid! It's me, Whiskery McThistlepants the Boxing Badger! I got an attack power a' _five_!" Whiskery McThistlepants the Boxing Badger said in a slurred, drunken, voice eerily similar to a very stoned Joey.

Kaiba smiled. "I play the Blue-Eyes White Dragon! ATTACK!" the Dragon destroyed the Badger, and Yugi and Yami LOST.

Yami screamed. "NO! NO, THIS WAS SUPPOSED TO BE OVER!"

Yugi looked shocked. "But… … we got rid of that badger, and all the other curse effects, when… … when… Tristan…"

"Pucker up!" Tristan said. "All YOU need is another dose of Tristan's magic touch!" he said, making kiss noises.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" Yugi and Yami screamed in unison. But no matter how fast they ran, they weren't fast enough. Tristan caught up… then he grabbed them… and then… …

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Yugi said, shooting awake.

_-Oh… thank god it was only a horrible, horrible nightmare.-_

_Yeah… the same nightmare we've had every day for three months. I… I think it's time for me to go back to school._

_-WHAT?! Yugi, school is outside! We'd have to leave the house and… and… there's evil outside!-_

_Yami, I can't live like this! I can't be paralyzed by terror of leaving my home! I need to get back into the world. _

_-A-all right… just… just check it out and see if it's safe, first?- _

From inside the hollowed out metal cube that now served as his house, Yugi stepped into the world. He stuck his head out the door and looked left. Then he looked right.

Okay. I don't see anything in particular. No Tristan. No rats. No deck-wraiths. No semi-evil sorceresses. I think we can go outside.

_-Wait! Just because you don't see anything, doesn't mean it's not there!- _

_Yami, we can't stay inside our cube forever._

_-And exactly why not?__ You remember what happened last time we stepped outside it, don't you?- _

_But that was different. The chances of anything like that happening THIS time around are slim to none._

_-True… but bear with me for a moment. 'Outside' is where Tristan, Malik, Pegasus, Kaiba, and Evil Bakura all live, correct?- _

_Well, yes._

_-And since they, especially Tristan, are manifestations of all that are wrong in the universe, 'outside' must be inherently evil, correct?- _

_I don't know…_

_-Therefore, we are currently surrounded by invisible cyborg zombie ninjas.- _Yami thought, conclusively.

_That's quite a leap of logic…_

_-Perhaps.__ But do you want to take the chance that we AREN'T surrounded by invisible cyborg zombie ninjas, when it is certainly just as likely as anything else that happened to us last time we stepped outside?- _

_Good point. Let's go back in and huddle under our bed before death swoops down upon us, shall we?_

Just then, death swept down upon them.

Well, actually, Tea.

Say what you will about Tea, she bounces back fast. Heart broken by BOTH of Yugi, she didn't even lose her smile as she approached the Pharaoh and his counterpart.

"Hi! I haven't seen you guys in three months since… y'know. Are you finally going back to school?"

"Well, I wanted to, but Yami says there are Invisible Forces of evil surrounding us and I don't feel like arguing, so we're just going back inside…" Yugi said quickly, eager to get back into the safety of his cube.

Smiling indulgently, Tea put her hands on Yugi's shoulders. "Yugi, the events those months ago… they were one of a kind. They could never POSSIBLY happen again. Yes, they were traumatic for all of us. But you can't let them keep you running from life! You need to step bravely out into the light, and show your inner beauty to the world once again! The world is your oyster, if only you had the courage to shuck it! Throw aside your fear and step into the light with the confidence of someone who KNOWS that they are COMPLETELY SAFE!"

Yugi smiled with a new inner confidence, and finally stepped outside of his door.

Bandit Keith ran up, punched him, took the Millennium Puzzle, and ran off.

Tea looked a little scared. "Or, I guess that could happen."

Yugi looked irritated. "Why is it that every time you encourage me, things get worse?"

* * *

Deep inside the Millennium Puzzle, Yami looked around in confusion. "Yugi? What's going on? You out there?"

Sighing, he sat down. Yugi was gone, which meant the Puzzle wasn't on his neck, which meant that he, Yami, was now a kidnap victim.

Yami sighed despondently. "Yugi left the house,"


	3. Chapter Two

Chapter 2: Evil Comes in many forms… some better than others

On their private island, Evil Bakura and Bakura did the same they'd done every day for three months: sunbathed and flaunted their tremendous wealth. They had all the snack foods they wanted. They had a MASSIVE house. They had actual PIRATES, who fought each other to the death for their amusement. Life was perfect.

Little did the ancient spirit and his mysteriously British counterpart know that a force of tremendous evil was coming to shatter their peace and quiet…

High, high above the island where both of Bakura lived, a massive space battleship floated. Contained inside was the darkest, foulest evil the world had ever known.

For this was the _Grand Audit_, flagship of the dark and invincible IRS. On the bridge, Supreme Auditor Varzan laughed wickedly at the clueless tomb robber. "High Auditor Skippy!" he bellowed. "Are all systems go?"

"Of course, sir!" Skippy said. "But… Supreme Auditor… this person isn't even an American Citizen."

"…so?"

"So, sir, we're the INTERNAL Revenue Service. We're supposed to work INSIDE the U.S."

"Now, Skippy, that is JUST the attitude that killed my entire squad in 'Nam! We were up against a MILLION South Vietnamese…

"SOUTH Vietnamese? But sir, weren't they on OUR…"

" … and my squad just kept saying 'sir, we're supposed to be fighting the North Vietnamese! Those guys are on OUR side!'. So I shot them. And then there I was, all alone and stoned on some weird mushrooms I'd been chewing on from under a rock, and I painted myself green and won the day! Well, actually, I passed out. But I never saw any of the enemy army again, so I assume I won."

"… … …Huh?"

"High Auditor Skippy, tell me something. Does that person have money?"

"…y-yes?"

"Yes, yes he does. And are we the great and mighty IRS?"

"Yes."

"YES! Yes we are! Therefore, and I say this in the humblest manner possible, it is our sacred duty to take all that man's money, no matter what country he's from or where he happens to live now! Do you understand?"

"Not really, sir."

"Good! Gunnery Auditor Petey!"

"Yes, sir?" Petey said.

"Fire the AUDIT CANNON! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

Skippy sighed. "I really need to find a new job…"

From out of nowhere, a massive beam of light slammed down onto Bakura's island. When the light cleared, there was nothing remaining but Bakura and the Island itself. His designer bathing suit was replaced with the clothes he'd been wearing when he'd first gotten his money. Even his tan was gone.

"… … Oh, dear." The confused boy said. _Yami? What just happened?_

_-… … the… … the STUFF! WHERE IS IT?!- _Evil Bakura screamed. Suddenly, a slip of paper floated from the sky. Bakura caught it and read aloud:

"Dear sir or ma'am:

As the noble and patriotic IRS, we have exercised our solemn duty to liberate all of your finances and possessions for no apparent reason. You may attempt to contest this action, but be aware if you do that you will never be heard from again.

Sincerely,

The IRS"

When he finished, the paper burst into flame.

_Should we try to get our stuff back?_

Evil Bakura shivered._ -Even if I had ALL the Millennium Items, I would hesitate to do battle with the IRS. They have strange and unusual powers the likes of which none can comprehend.- _

_Well… okay… what should we do?_

_-I suppose we have no choice but to try for world domination again.- _

_Or… well… NOT._

_-No, death, chaos, and conquest are the order of the day, vermin! I shall claim the powers of a God, destroy those who oppose me, and dominate the planet for all eternity! Ah… I've been relaxing for too long! It feels good to do evil again! Now, let us go on our quest of domination!-__  
_

_One, don't call me vermin._

_-Very well, trash.- _

_Grrr… Second, how are we going to get off this island?_

_-Bakura, Bakura, Bakura… once again your lack of intelligence limits you! Have you forgotten who I am?! All I have to do is concentrate, and mysterious plotholes just sort of PROJECT me to wherever the action is! It's been happening on the Anime for years!-_ Suddenly, they were in Domino, watching Bandit Keith (With the Puzzle) run by, chased by Yugi

_-See?-_ Evil Bakura thought smugly

"Ba… Ba… Bakura!" Yugi said, breathing heavily. "Magical… artifact… stolen… by… jerk…"

"Why did you let him take it?" Bakura asked, as though Yugi had gift-wrapped the puzzle and hand-delivered it to Keith just so he could chase him down.

Yugi glared at them. "Didn't… exactly… see… it… coming,"

"Ah. Do you want my help?"

"WHY DO YOU THINK I STOPPED?!"

"Very well then! On to the reclamation of items! Tally-ho!" Bakura proclaimed grandly, and sprinted off after Keith. "Stop where you are, ruffian! I swear you shan't escape British justice!"

_-Good lord, you are the biggest wimp I have ever seen. 'Tally-ho'? What does that even mean?!- _

_It's a perfectly appropriate battle cry!_

_-Battle cry? Oh, come on. We both know that you aren't going to DO anything. I already know what's going to happen. _

_1. We'll catch him._

_2. You'll ask him… politely… to return the puzzle._

_3. He'll punch you in the face.- _

_Um… well… I wasn't going to ask POLITELY._

_::Sigh:: Honestly, you haven't the slightest idea how to deal with a crisis! Let me take over, I'LL get the stupid thing back._

_Oh, and what will YOU do? You'll probably just beat Keith unconscious with a beer bottle and take the puzzle from him!_

_And explain to me how that's a bad idea. _

_… … … … … … Good point. Take over._

The Ring glowed, and Bakura's evil other half took over their shared body. He smirked evilly, picked up a beer bottle from a stray dumpster, and looked around for a person to smash with it. Unfortunately, while he'd stopped to argue with himself, everyone else involved with the chase had kept running.

Evil Bakura looked around. "Where'd everybody go?"

In an abandoned warehouse, Yugi finally caught up with Bandit Keith. He had, for some reason, pulled a hood over his head. The Puzzle was hanging from a railroad spike in the wall… but that was it. It wasn't nailed on, it was just hanging. Yugi could have walked right up and taken it off.

"Alright… jerk… why…?" Yugi gasped. He really should have been working harder in gym class.

"Heh, heh, heh… you may not recognize me Yugi, but I remember you very well…"

Yugi groaned. "You're Bandit-Freakin'-Keith! You didn't have that cloak on until like, five minutes ago."

"NO! HOW DID YOU LEARN MY IDENTITY!" Keith shouted, throwing his hood off.

Yugi's jaw dropped. Keith had never been a great villain… he wore a tacky headband and he laughed like an idiot… but he'd at least been EVIL. But this…

"Well, it doesn't matter! The only way you're going to get your puzzle back is if you WIN IT IN A DUEL!" Keith said maniacally.

Yugi walked up to the puzzle and picked it up off the chain. He threw a critical look at Keith.

"Um… oops?" Keith said, turning red. He climbed down off the platform of his dueling arena, grabbed the puzzle out of Yugi's hands, and nailed it to the wall again, putting the spike through one of the holes in the chain.

Yugi sighed deeply, and slid the puzzle off the spike.

"Oh, crap! Listen, Yugi, I have to go get a nail that has something on the end so you can't do that… can you just wait a few minutes? Really. I'll be right back." He ran out of the warehouse in search of a suitable spike

Yugi started to cry.

_-Yugi? You out there? It's getting really boring in here…-_ Yami said.

_Could you hold on a minute? Incompetent villainy._

_… again? _

Bandit Keith came running back, holding a railroad spike that had a little metal circle at one end to prevent puzzle sliding. "I found this! Okay, now if you'd just give that back for a second…"

_"_Yeah, I'm thinking 'no'."

"Aw, c'mon! Pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeease?" Keith pleaded. Unfortunately, in the intervening minutes Evil Bakura had figured out where everybody had gone. As the American held out his hand for the puzzle, Evil Bakura ran up behind him and smashed a bottle over his head.

The evil spirit smiled proudly. "I got him!" he proclaimed brightly. Then he foully and evilly banished Keith's soul to the shadow realm.

Hey, that is sort of his job.

"Did you really need to do that?" Yami asked in a long-suffering tone. "We really needed to find out who he was working for."

"Well, duh! He was working for Malik! We see Malik every other freakin' week! We KNOW he runs the Rare Hunters, and that's who this idiot is dressed as."

_"_Hee, hee, hee… so close and yet so far…" A female voice said.

"It's Keith's soulless vessel! It's speaking to us from the shadow realm! Someone is using dark magic to control it!" Evil Bakura said, shocked.

"What? Y::BZZZZT::t's what's happening. De::BZZT::ly. I am ::BZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZT:: and not a normal loser." The voice said.

Yami arched one eyebrow. "The Shadow Realm sure has a lot of static today."

_Well, you KNOW what that place is like. Honestly, the cable reception is terrible, and don't get me started on the weather!_

_-Yugi, shut up.-_ Yami thought. He got down and checked the robes near Keith's neck, finding a walkie-talkie. -_Hmmmm… female, incompetent, using sad and pitiful measures to sound dramatic despite a total lack of talent…- _

"You wouldn't happen to be the Dark, Foul, Evil Sorceress of Chaos and Destruction™, would you?"

"No, Pharaoh! I am::BZZZZZZZZZT::, new leader of the Rare Hunters! I will soon ::BZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZT::! So until we meet again, farewell! BWAHAHAHAHA ::BZZZZZZZZZZZT:: HA!"

Yami sighed despondently. "Well, she was able to laugh evilly, so that rules out that cursing psycho-loser. So I have a brand-new psychotic incompetent woman stalking me. I guess I'm just lucky… WHAT are you doing?!"

Evil Bakura had grabbed the puzzle, and was laughing wickedly and horribly. Lightning shot out of his hands, and darkness flowed from his eyes to snarl around his body like flames. "NOW, A PIECE OF MY SOUL IS INSIDE THE PUZZLE! I SHALL CONSUME THE POWER OF THE PHARAOH FROM THE INSIDE OUT! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

"Oh, stop it you idiot," Yami growled, grabbing back the puzzle. "I'm going home."

Tristan and Joey busted in, panting. "Yug! We're ready to bust you out of a raging fire at the last second!" Joey said.

Yugi smiled. "Thanks, guys, but you seem to forget who's running this show. What do you suppose the chances are something dramatic will actually happen?"

"Oh… um… oh. Okay. I guess there's only one thing to do then." Tristan said. Immediately, he and Joey grabbed Yugi, shoved him in a garbage can, and set the building on fire with Joey's lighter. They then left, waited until the fire got really big… and broke back in, saving Yugi from the raging fire.

Yugi sighed deeply. "Typical,"

Joey shrugged. "Hey, it said in the script 'Save Yugi from raging fire'. Who are we to contradict that?"

Leaving Keith behind in the burning building and arguing over the merits of following the script when it didn't make sense, the group walked off.

Little did they know that far away, at the airport, a force of terrifying power was approaching… and when it arrived, the world as they knew it would shatter.

At Domino airport, the ultimate power stepped out of her plane.

"Ah!" Isis Ishtar said cheerfully, grinning. "Domino! I have missed this nice little place…"

Author: If you read 'Game Over', you'd understand why Isis is so scary. And next chapter, what you've all been waiting for… Kaiba!


	4. Chapter Three

Chapter 3: Maybe I'm the only one who noticed this, but Kaiba is really just a huge geek

On the top floor of KaibaCorp. HQ was an office. The office of Seto Kaiba.

This office was filled with documents, computer files, DVD's, and other business paraphernalia essential to the running of the Kaiba Corporation. In here decisions were made that affected the lives of hundreds of people, and decided the course of billions of dollars. It was here that Seto Kaiba, CEO and owner of one of the largest and most powerful corporations on the planet, made business decisions that changed the fate of nations.

Unfortunately, he wasn't there right now.

Down three floors, in the company war room, Kaiba sat at the head of a large table. The only other person there was Mokuba, who was seated right next to him ( Vice President Mai, of course, was off partying). On the table in was a large map of Domino with the heading 'Operation: Kill Yugi. Kill him SO horribly that he never, ever EVER comes back, and he feels so $$& bad that he doesn't WANT to live any more and he #$()#& stays in hell where he $)( belongs'. Kaiba was wearing the uniform of a General, with five stars on the collar.

"Well, lieutenant Mokuba, it looks like all the details for my new plot to kill Yugi are completed!"

"Seto…" Mokuba began.

"AHEM!"

Mokuba winced. "GENERAL Seto…"

"Yes, Lieutenant?"

"I understand that you have a problem with Yugi, but is homicide really the answer?"

"Well, yeah. Of course. What else could I do?" Kaiba said as though it were the most obvious thing in the world.

"… … DON'T kill anyone?"

"Lieutenant Mokuba, I don't think you understand. If I don't kill Yugi, he'll STILL BE ALIVE."

"That's my point."

"**AHEM!**"

"That's my point SIR."

"Brother… I have, in my career, lost fairly exactly once. To Yugi. And now, according to the episode guides, I am all set up to lose fairly again. To YUGI. This cannot be allowed. Therefore, this, my 'Operation: Kill Yugi. Kill him SO horribly that he never, ever EVER comes back, and he feels so $$& bad that he doesn't WANT to live any more and he #$()#& stays in hell where he $)$# belongs' Tournament, or OKYKHSHTHNEECBAHFS$BTHDWTLAMAH#SIHWH$B, as I like to call it…"

Mokuba's jaw dropped. "How did you say that?"

"…Is VITAL. I NEED to prove to the world that I really CAN beat Yugi, so I'll lure him into this trap tournament and beat him and kill him. It's the ONLY way."

"Seto. Big brother. I realize that you don't think in quite the same way as most people. I realize that to you, beating you at cards is a major transgression. I also realize that you still haven't QUITE gotten over losing your deck…"

"WHAT?! MY DECK IS GONE?! WHERE IS IT WHERE IS IT WHERE IS IT WHERE IS IT WHERE IS IT WHERE IS IT WHERE IS IT…" Kaiba jumped to his feet and started running around in circles, screaming.

"… We got it back. Three months ago."

Kaiba sat back down. "I… um… I … knew that. Yeah. I was just… testing you."

"Why would I care if your deck was gone?"

"MY DECK IS-"

"NO! Your deck is FINE. But that's my point! You're still at least partially insane from that whole episode! You aren't thinking clearly! You're a gaping psychic wound! In technical terms, you're a nutjob!" Mokuba proclaimed exasperatedly.

"… So you're trying to tell me that my tournament is a good idea?"

Mokuba sighed sadly. "Could you at least change the name to something a LITTLE less obvious? Like… it takes over the city, and makes a lot of battles, so… Battle City?"

"What's wrong with OKYKHSHTHNEECBAHFS$BTHDWTLAMAH#SIHWH$B?"

"Okay, that's the second time I've heard you say that and I STILL don't know how it's pronounced…"

"**_AHEM!_**"

"I don't know how it's pronounced, GENERAL."

"OKYKHSHTHNEECBAHFS$BTHDWTLAMAH#SIHWH$B, Lieutenant. OKYKHSHTHNEECBAHFS$BTHDWTLAMAH#SIHWH$B." Kaiba said patronizingly.

"Freak." Mokuba muttered.

* * *

Later on in the day, with the name of the new tournament still in question (Battle City actually made sense, but Kaiba was unwilling to let go of OKYKHSHTHNEECBAHFS$BTHDWTLAMAH#SIHWH$B for some reason), Lieutenant Mokuba was watching television while Kaiba took care of the highly important business of firing Vice President Mai. On the one hand, she was an absolutely terrible VP who had embezzled over $20,000,000 for various things that she found pretty. On the other, she was hot, and if Kaiba let her down too hard she'd get sad, and then he'd feel a tiny little twinge in what little conscience he had. In the end he decided to send her an E-mail on the cell phone she'd bought with stolen money: 

Dear Mai,

Guess what you are? It's starts with an 'f' and ends with 'ired for embezzling company funds'. Don't bother coming back to clear out your desk, security has been told to shoot you on sight, you horrible felon. Anything you own still inside the building will go to me, to make up for all the money you stole, you ungrateful witch. I will be giving your job (And your car) to Mokuba. Mokuba can't drive legally, but he still gets your car.

Burn and Die,

Seto

_There! That was nice! _Kaiba thought. Sensitive and pleasant. Nobody could be insulted by that.

* * *

Mai, in her hot tub, checked her cell phone when it beeped. She then saw Kaiba's message. 

She smiled. _Aw well… _she thought, _I had a good run. And how sweet to try and spare my feelings!_

That was about as sensitive as Kaiba got.

* * *

"Oh, #$()#&." Mokuba said suddenly. 

"Mokuba! What have I told you about swearing?"

"…Only when I'm drunk?"

"That's right. Now what's the problem?"

Trembling, Mokuba pointed at the T.V., which held a picture of Isis Ishtar giving an interview.

"So?" Kaiba said.

"Look closer,"

Kaiba did so, and noticed something about the news. One of the boxes in the corner said 'Local Events'.

Kaiba thought about that.

"Oh #$()#& . _She's IN TOWN?!_" Kaiba roared, and slammed down the 'Isis Button' on his desk. All the windows in the building were instantly covered as metal screens slammed down on them. A computerized voice said 'Isis Ishtar has entered Domino City. All KaibaCorp. employees please stay inside the building, turn off all the lights, and stay away from the windows and doors. Hiding under your desks is highly encouraged.' Kaiba and Mokuba, always the first to take smart advice, slammed down the light switch, smashed the T.V. with a paperweight to shut it up, and huddled together under Kaiba's desk.

It wasn't anything personal. It's just that Isis didn't come to Domino unless she had business there, and ninety percent of the time that meant someone had managed to get her angry (Usually her brother). And the last time she'd come to town angry, she'd burned a large portion of it down. KaibaCorp., just like all other businesses in the town, had a special 'Isis Plan': namely, lock down and pretend they weren't there until she went away.

"D-D'you think she's angry at someone?" Mokuba asked quietly, trying to keep his voice from trembling.

"Calm down. With any luck, she's just decided her brother's death is worth going into the sewers for. And there's always a 10 chance that she's not angry at anyone! No, we'll ride this out just fine." Kaiba said with a confidence he didn't feel.

The phone rang.

Kaiba and Mokuba's eyes widened in fear. "W-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-who is that?" Mokuba stuttered.

"It… it… doesn't HAVE to be Isis. Just because she's in town and the phone is ringing doesn't mean OH GOD IT'S HER AND SHE'S MAD AT **_ME_**, I DON'T KNOW WHY, MAYBE SHE'S FRIENDS WITH MAI AND HEARD ABOUT ME FIRING HER AND NOW SHE'S COMING HERE AND CALLING TO TELL ME SHE'S GONNA **_KILL ME!_**" Kaiba screamed, finally losing control of his terror.

Mokuba, trembling, crawled out from under the desk and picked up the phone. "H-h-h-h-h-h-h-ello? Y-y-yes, he's here… It's for you, Seto…" Mokuba said solemnly. Then he mouthed _It's HER! Oh, god, we're dead…_

_"_Yes?" Kaiba said, in a near whisper.

"Hello, Seto. You really should be watching my interview…"

"I'M SORRY! I DIDN'T THINK IT WAS IMPORTANT, AND NOW MY T.V IS BROKEN I'LL GO BUY A NEW ONE I SWEAR!"

"… I was just wondering if you would be interested in coming to an exhibition of my artifacts in Domino Museum tonight?"

Kaiba sighed in relief. If she wasn't mad, it took a whole lot to get her that way, so they were all safe for the time being. "I um… I knew that… But, I wouldn't DREAM of being an inconvenience to you, and I have a lot of work to do…"

"I'll give you a really cool duel monster's card."

Kaiba's eyes lit up. "How cool?"

On the other end of the line, Isis smiled. She knew how to manipulate a geek. "Do the words 'four thousand attack points' mean anything to you?"

There was a sound of glass breaking on the other end of the line. Mokuba Kaiba's voice came over the phone, "Um… my brother just got a really big smile and jumped out the window. You wouldn't happen to know anything about that, would you?"

* * *

Exactly one minute, 37 seconds later, Kaiba's Ferrari screeched to a halt in front of the Domino Museum. _FOUR THOUSAND! _He thought frantically. _That's practically a billion! _He sprinted up the steps, taking them six at a time, and ran through the doors without opening them. "ISIS!" He bellowed. "WHERE IS CARD?! GIVE!" 

The museum guards walked up to Kaiba. "Sir, this IS a museum, could you please calm down?"

Kaiba's eyes began glowing yellow.

"Um… sir?"

Two museum guards later, Kaiba was jumping down flights of stairs shouting after Isis again. After smashing through every OTHER exhibit, it finally hit his carded- up brain that perhaps the Egyptian Artifacts would be behind the door marked 'Egyptian Artifacts'. He opened it and, sure enough, there was Isis.

"CARD!" He shouted, the veins popping out of his neck.

"Ah, Kaiba! I knew you would come, through the power of my Millennium Necklace… oh, and also because I invited you. I am Isis Ishtar, and I have spent many hours peering into the past…"

"Through your Millennium Necklace? Does it hold some power to see through the mists of TIME ITSELF?"

Isis rolled her eyes. "NOOOOOO, I just watch the HISTORY CHANNEL. Of course I can see through the mists of time! I mean, I have this millennium necklace, and then when I clearly state and demonstrate its powers, everyone STILL acts all surprised even though they've seen OTHER items do things that are at LEAST as impressive. It gets old… and since I can see it coming in advance, it gets old before it happens! But now, on to what I called you here for."

"Card?"

"Not yet. As you can see from this ancient stone tablet on the wall over here…"

"Ah, the card is behind the tablet!" Kaiba said proudly, moving to take the tablet off the wall.

Unfortunately, he succeeded.

"Ow…" Kaiba moaned from under the tablet, which was much heavier than it looked.

Isis sighed sadly. "I'm sure you recognize that you're an idiot, so I won't waste time pointing it out further. Now, can you see the carving on the bottom?"

"Kinda… hey, that's me! And a horrible monster of some kind!"

"That, Kaiba, is your Blue-eyes White Dragon! That is a carving of your past self and your sacred creature!"

"No, I was talking about the monster I'm facing in the drawing."

Isis thought about the drawing… then sighed again, even more sadly. "That would be Yugi, you idiot. He was the pharaoh of ancient Egypt, and you were a powerful sorcerer! The two of you fought a horrible battle for control of the WORLD!"

"That's ridiculous! Even a cursory examination shows that I'm a far more dignified figure than this sorcerer."

Isis raised an eyebrow. "To my knowledge, he was never pinned under a massive stone tablet,"

"Even so!" Kaiba said proudly, his voice muffled somewhat by the quite heavy tablet.

"Very well, I shall SHOW you the truth!" The millennium necklace began to glow, and suddenly…

Flashback:

_"What's going on?" Kaiba asked._

_"You have heard of the literary device known as a 'flashback'?_ _Through the power of my Millennium Necklace we are actually INSIDE a flashback, watching as it unfolds!"_

Wizard Kaiba: Pharoah! I have grown tired of your arrogant foolishness! Plus, you hoard all the cool monsters! I challenge thee, and once I have won I shall have all the coolest rare monsters and be the best duelist in the world!

_"And you still say he isn't you?" Isis asked._

_"I fail to see the resemblance. Well, other than the fact he looks and acts exactly like me. Which REALLY isn't proof at all!"_

Pharaoh: Why am I over here in the shadows? What's the point? Any idiot KNOWS who I am by now. They saw the tablet. At the end of Duelist Kingdom I **told** Yugi I was a pharaoh! I told him my name, too! Yet, when he learns all this later on, he'll act surprised, I guarantee it.

The Pharaoh's Loyal Servant: As the Pharaoh's Loyal Servant, I will stand against you traitor!

Wizard Kaiba: I summon this monster, which shall be used 5,000 years from now in something called a 'card game' by my descendant, whose name shall be Seto Kaiba! (Plays monster from Kaiba's deck)

_"Are you convinced NOW?"_

_"He could be talking about any number of Seto Kaibas. And in any case, I have no proof that I'm not drugged and hallucinating right now."_

_"::SIGH:: I guess we go on, then…"_

The Pharaoh's Loyal Servant: I play this better one! (His monster kills Wizard Kaiba's)

Wizard Kaiba: I play yet another monster from the deck of Seto Kaiba, my descendent and reincarnation, who owns his own company (Which shalt be called KaibaCorp., forthwith) and has a younger brother named Mokuba! (Does so.)

_"Has the truth gotten through your thick skull yet, or do we need to go on?"_

_" 'Mokuba'? I don't know any 'Mokuba'."_

The Pharaoh's Loyal Servant: I fuse my good monster from before with another good monster! (Kills Wizard Kaiba's monster)

"_HA! That proves he can't be me, because he's losing and I never lose!" Kaiba said triumphantly._

_"What anime have you been watching? You lose all the time. And in any case, the person who's going to win in the end NEVER starts out winning!"_

Wizard Kaiba: I summon forth, from the very depths of the pits of darkness and despair, a dragon so very deadly and powerful and dangerous and terrifying and large and horrific and…

The Pharaoh's Loyal Servant: Sometime this century, please.

Wizard Kaiba: … mighty and ferocious and never eats too much at dinner and always keeps its scales washed and is just plain neat and…

Pharaoh: You know, I have to die, have my soul bonded to a puzzle, and be reincarnated in like, an hour. I REALLY need to get this apocalyptic conflict out of the way.

The Pharaoh's Loyal Servant: **_I _**know that. Tell Mr. Dragon-Obsessed over there.

Wizard Kaiba: (Still babbling about his monster)

_"I'm afraid you've wasted your time. That guy is NOTHING like me."_

_"Really?" Isis asked skeptically. _

_"Well, of course! I mean, he's such a geek!"_

_"Oh? Well, Kaiba, tell me: How cool is your Blue-Eyes?"_

_Kaiba got a huge, dopey smile and a gleam in his eyes. "It's deadly and powerful and dangerous and terrifying and large and horrific and…_

Wizard Kaiba: THE BLUE-EYES WHITE DRAGON! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! KILL! SMASH! DESTROY! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! (Blue-Eyes kills, smashes, destroys)

The Pharaoh's Loyal Servant: (Dies)

Pharoah: NOOOOOOOOO! LOYAL SERVANT! You… you were loyal, my friend! I have to say, you were by far my most loyal servant! You shall be AVENGED!

End Flashback

"HEY!" Kaiba said. "It was just starting to get good!"

"I know. That's why I stopped. In Yu-Gi-Oh, when it starts to get good, we take a break. But now I'm sure even YOU must have gotten my point: YOU ARE THE EVIL WIZARD. It's PAINFULLY OBVIOUS. THAT'S WHY YOU HATE YUGI. It's brutally, unbelievably obvious, and both the tablet that is currently crushing you and my visions confirm it." Isis said.

"… … I believe you mentioned something about a cool card?" Kaiba said.

Isis rubbed her temples. _Sweet Ra…_ "ALRIGHT! The cool card is right over here, on this other tablet!"

"THE OTHER TABLET! OF COURSE!" Kaiba roared. In a Herculean feat of strength, Kaiba shoved the tablet off him and ran over to take the OTHER one off the wall.

Unfortunately, he succeeded again.

"Oh, god dammit!" Kaiba shouted from under the other tablet. It was hard to tell for sure, but it felt even heavier than the first one.

"Oh, you unbelievable moron…" Isis said, rubbing her temples to hold off the approaching migraine. _Calm down… ten, nine, eight, seven, six, five, four…_

"I don't see the card." Kaiba said.

"ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH! IT'S RIGHT THERE, YOU IDIOT! You see those three monsters?!"

"Yeah?"

"Those are the Winged Dragon of Ra, Slifer the Sky Dragon, and Obelisk the Tormentor. Any one of them could COMPLETELY kill you, and Pegasus made cards of them!"

"What? Then why didn't he use them against me?" Kaiba asked indignantly.

"Two reasons:

A) He kicked your ass without them, as I recall.

B) They kinda didn't listen to him."

"WHAAAT?! Cards that Pegasus couldn't control?!"

"Well, think about it. You're a god, you've been asleep for 5,000 years, and the first thing you hear when you wake up is 'How are you DOOOING, Ra-Boy?'" Isis said, in a passable Pegasus voice. "How would YOU react?"

"Point taken. Now, how do I get them?"

"Well, that's the problem. Max gave them to ME, and I er… kinda don't have them anymore."

"OH! Well, that's not a problem. I'm going to see Malik for golf next week, and I'll just ask him to give them back…"

"Why do you ASSUME my brother took them? SURE he's evil, and SURE he kills his employees, and SURE he knew right where they are, but that doesn't change the fact that maybe, just maybe, his good nature could overpower his greed and make him back into a good person! I'VE forgiven him for murdering his servant and trying to kill Yami and take his power, why haven't any of YOU?!" Isis said bitterly.

"… … Oh. So he didn't take them?"

"Oh, I was speaking hypothetically. Of course he took them. He's tried to steal them pretty much once a week since he was old enough to walk upright. Well, he took Ra at least. Slifer, I have no idea. It's just GONE. Maybe whoever took over the Rare Hunter's in Malik's absence… as for Obelisk, I'm willing to lend it to you…"

"Is that the cool card?"

"YES, DAMMIT! THAT'S THE COOL #&#& CARD!" Isis shrieked. She took a deep breath. "Yes. And I'll will lend it to you if you agree to lure the holders of the other two cards here by throwing a tourn–"

"Done."

"… huh?"

"Oh, my tournament was ready to go before I came here. It will take over the whole city and fill it with battles, so I like to call it 'OKYKHSHTHNEECBAHFS$BTHDWTLAMAH#SIHWH$B',"

"… … … … How do you even SAY that?! Wouldn't something like Battle City make more sense?"

"God, you're just like Mokuba! I just don't understand your twisted logic… Can I have the card now?"

"FINE! Just take it, get out from under my tablet, and get your stupid tournament going!"

Once Kaiba had left she muttered, derisively, "Geek."

* * *

Holding the frankly, pretty sweet, Obelisk, Kaiba sauntered back out to his car. What he found there was NOT quite what he'd expected. His car was half crushed under a massive stone sarcophagus that was shoved into passenger seat (Not with a whole lot of success, given that the sarcophagus was bigger than the car). On it there was a sticky note. 

Kaiba:

Hi! How are you? I'm good. While we were talking downstairs I had some of the guards put this in your car. I got it in the mail this morning, with a note that said to give it to you. It came FedEx., so I figured it must be important. It probably contains part of a horrible evil artifact, so don't let anyone take it please.

-Isis

Kaiba looked at the thing, and his car. There was no way in hell his sports car could even budge that thing.

"… … … … … How am I supposed to get home?"

An extra line appeared on the bottom of the sticky-note: _I dunno. Push?_

"Bitch."

_Geek._


	5. Chapter Four

Chapter 4: Even Tea can be pushed too far

In the heart of Egypt, in room 214 of the Cairo Motel 6, Malik chuckled horribly, gazing at his latest acquisition. "Ah, the Winged Dragon of Ra… I just LOVE this thing. Sure, I may not have the Rare Hunters anymore, but I don't need them as long as I have this puppy. Oh, and you." Malik said, almost as an afterthought, to Odion. "Soon… Soon I shall return to Domino and DESTROY the pharaoh! With this card I shall claim eternal power! I don't need anything but the WINGED DRAGON OF RA!!!! … Oh, and you."

"Sir, have you ever considered that this is terribly stupid? I mean, we must first assume that Yugi will accept your challenge…"

"Why wouldn't he?"

"Well, he doesn't particularly care about you. You don't exactly inspire terror in him, considering your last attempt on his life didn't turn out very well… which brings up the point of your sister."

Malik shuddered. "T-true, there is her. But SHE doesn't know I have Ra!"

"Sir… she SEES THE FUTURE. And in any case, we both know that you've tried to steal the Ra card basically every week since there's BEEN a Ra card. Once she notices it's gone, she's going to suspect you."

"Point. But why would she be in Domino? She would NEVER go to Domino! There's no chance that she's in Domino!"

At this point, the T.V. which they had left on played a news report: "And a special piece for all Egyptians visiting Japan: National celebrity and renowned archeologist Isis Ishtar is currently visiting Domino City in Japan to display a special collection of artifacts she has unearthed. If you're nearby, be sure to check it out!"

Malik's skin, normally a deep tan, had turned a ghostly white. "Oh hell. You MUST be joking."

"There! You see?! That's proof from the gods that this is a bad idea!"

"Alright… maybe you have a point…" Malik began.

_-NO! We need to kill, smash, destroy and conquer! We must make the oceans run red with the blood of innocents!- _His Yami raged.

_One: I hate you. You're a loathsome parasite, and you infest my every waking moment with your vileness. Two: Isis is there. We CAN'T go there._

_-I am not afraid of your sister!- _

_Yes, you are._

_-… …Alright, a little bit. But we still need to destroy!- _

_But…_

_-DESTROY!- _

_ALRIGHT ALREADY! We'll risk it if you SHUT UP. _

_-Destroy.- _

_Yes, Dammit! _Shifting back to the real world, Malik said to Odion, "… we're just going to have to risk Isis."

"… that may be the stupidest idea anyone has ever had."

"I know that! I don't want to die anymore than you do! But he…" Malik said, pointing at himself, "Won't shut up about it!"

"Ah. You're insane."

"No, I just have another person living in my mind who gives me orders sometimes," Malik said, like it were the most natural thing in the world.

Odion sighed. _Remember your vows, Odion. _He told himself. _No matter how looney he gets, you do what he says… Both of him. _"Very well, sir. We'll do what your other personality says and engage in a course that makes absolutely no sense to anyone who does not wish an early grave."

"So glad you see things my way," Malik said approvingly. "YES, WE'LL DESTROY THINGS WHILE WE'RE THERE!" he shouted, seemingly to thin air.

_Oh, dear God… _Odion thought.

* * *

In Domino, Japan, another spiritually created extra personality was giving his own opinion. -_Ah… Home. Safe, defensible, surrounded by solid metal on all sides… we're finally back…- _Yami thought, relieved to once again be where you could see the evil coming.

_I think we should go out. _Yugi said simply.

_-… … … … … … … … Yugi, I'm just going to pretend I didn't hear that. We went out this morning, and look where it led: EVIL. We got embroiled in another incompetent evil plot. If we go out NOW, I guarantee those invisible cyborg zombie ninjas will take us down before we get three feet.- _

_Yami, you NEED to get over your agoraphobia. The world is not just a nesting ground for the forces of darkness, and I **need** a life outside of this cube! Now, if it will make you less nervous, we'll spend the evening with Tea._

_-… … you mean, like, the WHOLE evening? An extended period of time? Like, hours? Because that might not be safe.- _Yami said, for some reason sounding like Tea scared him more than partially-robotic undead ninjas.

_What? I thought you two were dating. _

_-Um… yeah… I… we… um…- _

_Okay, I won't pry. But we ARE going to meet Tea. _

_-Oh, really? And what if I don't let you?- _

_Well, considering that as we've been talking, **I **have been walking to the meeting, and Tea is skipping towards us as we speak, you don't have a whole lot of choice. _

_-I… I… I… I… I… YOU SUCK!- _Yami said, reluctantly taking control.

"Hi, Yugi!" Tea chirped. "We have a GREAT afternoon ahead of us! We're going to go to dinner, and feed birds, and go to arcades, and go to card shops (I know you love cards) and walk in the park, and go to the museum 'cause they have Egyptian stuff and YOU'RE EGYPTIAN!" she practically screamed.

Yami took several steps backwards, looking VERY scared. "Yes. Yes of course. And we probably shouldn't talk too much about any past events of any kind while we do this. At all."

_What's wrong with you?_

_-Shut UP, I need to concentrate! I can't screw this up, or we're both dead!- _

_… … huh?_

And so the day went on. They did indeed go to feed birds, and they stopped at a card shop (Yami got some new cards, always fun for him) and they DID eat dinner, and stopped at an arcade, where they saw something that stopped them in their tracks.

Tea's eyes got very, very wide. They started to sparkle. "DANCING." She breathed, a delighted whisper.

Ahead, a very flamboyant man with incredibly ugly hair was competing with another, more human looking man at some sort of dancing videogame. Eerily, he was doing very, very well. I mean, like, dancing like a real pro.

Yami raised an eyebrow. "And they say wearing leather all day is gay."

Tea turned to Yami. "THEY'RE DANCING!" She screamed delightedly. "I WANNA DANCE!"

The man did a pirouette, and posed like a disco dancer. "YEEEEEEEEEEEEEAH! I'm a dancin' machine! On the video screen! Dancin' like you ain't never seen! Does anyone else want to take on Johnny Steps, the Lord of the Dance… ing videogame?"

Tea's eyes got even bigger. "OH, GOOD LORD, I DO! PICK ME!"

"Ah, a girl! No men can compete with my killer dancin', so women are the bane of my existence!"

Yami snickered. "Trust me, it shows."

"What are you implying?"

"Oh, nothing. I was just saying that I could tell from your interesting dance moves that you may harbor a certain distaste for the female gender," Yami said reasonably. Then he sneezed, but for some reason it sounded like 'closet gay!' said really fast.

Totally innocent, of course.

Johnny seemed indignant. "I will have you know that I am NOT…"

"Nobody said you were, fruity."

"I have a girlfriend!"

"Oh, now you're just being catty." Yami said, his smirk getting ever smirkier.

"Hey, I'm not the one in bondage leather…"

"Mrowr, hiss!" Yami said sarcastically.

Suddenly, all noise in the arcade went silent. Yami stopped making fun of Johnny. A spotlight shone down onto the dancing game, and standing there, a cold fire in her eyes, was Tea. "Let's settle this on the dance floor," She said softly, "I hope you like being UTTERLY DESTROYED."

Yami raised an eyebrow. -_She looks kind of evil there.- _

_Tea takes her dancing seriously. _

_-Oh, it shows! She's very limber.- _

_Yeah… about that, you never did explain why you two aren't really dating anymore. _

_-Well, Yugi, we didn't have a 'date' so much as a 'one night stand'.- _

_I didn't think Tea was the kind of girl who'd do that… _Yugi thought sadly.

_-Now, now, Yugi, Tea and I are both adults, and if we want to have a night of meaningless intimacy that is condoned and accepted by both of us, that's perfectly allowed.-_

_… Okay, I know Tea, and I know that she would NOT let you get away with that for free. She'd want a committed relationship. _

_-… I have no idea what you're talking about.- _Yami said guiltily.

_… SHE DID WANT TO START A RELATIONSHIP! YOU DID SOMETHING! _Yugi shouted, filled with sudden comprehension.

_-… I… meaningless… adults… we…- _

_WHAT DID YOU DO?!_

_-Well… Tea was all lovey, and feely, and like 'I can't wait to be really committed!' She was picking out wedding decorations!- _

_**WHAT DID YOU DO?!**_

_-Well, when you spend so much time around people who read minds, and control minds… and… er, erase minds… you learn a few tricks.- _

_**YOU ERASED TEA'S MIND?!?!**_

_-Not the whole thing…- _

_**YOU ERASED TEA'S MIND?!?!**_

_-Only a TINY portion of it…- _

_Yami, I've watched you commit both attempted suicide and attempted homicide, and I honestly believe that this is the WORST THING YOU'VE EVER DONE. This is like, hard-core evil! We've met people, really horrible, evil people, who haven't done anything this completely awful. _

_-Aw, cmon, it was just a FEW memories!- _

_-You do realize that I'm going to have to mention this._

_-But why?!- _

_You treated a very close personal friend like she was just an object for your twisted amusement and tossed her aside like yesterday's trash rather than deal with the consequences of your idiotic hormonally charged actions. I feel that if you do not come clean and atone for your actions, you honestly, literally WILL go to hell. _

_-… … Have I ever told you that you suck?- _

Tea, broken and bruised, fell off the dancing game into Yugi's arms. Johnny Steps did a similar fall onto one of his supporters. "Good lord! What happened in there?"

Tea scowled at him. "Dancing is very serious business, Yugi. We're lucky to be alive!" she informed him. "We're taking a five minute break… oh, man, he's better than I thought. We're doing the Mesopotamian 'boxing dance'… I just don't know if I can go another round…"

Yugi smiled, wickedly. Yami had been asking for this. "I have some information that might just give you the drive you need,"

He told her what Yami had mentioned to him.

* * *

In the basement of the museum, Isis Ishtar shook her necklace in annoyance. "Stupid thing must be broken," She said in irritation. "I keep asking it what I'm destined to have for dinner tonight, and all it says is 'the destroyer is nigh'."

* * *

In a submarine off the coast of California, Colonel Dmitry Rokodiyovich Grishnov Andropopov Popov Serov gave an evil chuckle. How foolish all these Americans were, to believe that they could ever defeat the almighty Soviet Union! In a few minutes, nuclear missiles loaded with Venezuelan Death Cancer would rain down upon their cities, wiping them clean in a… er… rain… of Nuclear fire! And then, all the survivors would get horrible Venezuelan Death cancer, and the evil forces of Communism would rule the world!

Yes, it had all been worth disguising their rogue KGB cell as a legitimate corporation and then using that corporations pharmaceutical division to conduct virus experiments on monkeys and paying terrorists to hold the Eiffel tower hostage to draw away American defenses! Soon, all the world would be in the evil grip of Communism!

"Comrade!" Lieutenant Arkady Ivanovich Gorbachev Russovich said, alarmed. "A massive shockvave is approaching from the vest! It sounds like… yes, it sounds like a teenage girl in Japan screaming in rage! The shockvave… oh dear lord, it's being amplified by the ocean! It's shattering our bulkheads, we're taking in vater! Comrade, we're sinkink!"

As the submarine sank, along with all his evil plans, Colonel Dmitry Rokodiyovich Grishnov Andropopov Popov Serov raised his hands over his head and screamed "Nyet! NYEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEET!"

* * *

**_"HE DID WHAT?!_**" Tea roared.  
"He eras–" Yugi began

**_"I HEARD YOU THE FIRST TIME! I WAS BEING &$& RHETORICAL!"_**

"Sorry." Yugi squeaked.

"**_GET THAT SON OF A BITCH OUT HERE, NOW!_**"

The puzzle glowed weakly, and the cowering Yugi turned into a cowering Yami. "N-n-n-n-n-now Tea, friend…"

" 'Friend'? 'FRIEND'?! **_FRIEND?! I KNOW A LOT ABOUT FRIENDSHIP, AND IT SEEMS LIKE MAYBE YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND THE WORD! YOU SEE, A 'FRIEND' IS SOMEONE WHO DOESN'T ERASE YOUR GODDAMN MIND WHEN HE'S TO WUSSY TO DEAL WITH HIS OWN STUPIDITY! A 'FRIEND' WOULD SIT DOWN AND HAVE A REASONABLE $(#$&( DISCUSSION ABOUT IT! A 'FRIEND' DOESN'T USE A FRIEND AND THEN SPIT THEM OUT LIKE BUBBLEGUM! AND MOST IMPORTANTLY, 'FRIENDS' DON'T KILL THEIR FRIENDS, AND I'M SURE AS HELL GOING TO RIP YOUR #(& HEAD OFF!" _**

_You had to use the word 'friend', didn't you?_

_-I forgot who I was talking too! I'm under a lot of stress here!- _

_You DID earn it._

_-I've said it before, I'll say it again, YOU SUCK!- _

**_"_**NOW, you worthless vermin, I am willing to give you twenty-five seconds to make peace with whatever pagan Egyptian god you worship before I tear your spine out and beat you to death with it. One… Two… three… four…"

_-YUGIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII! I THINK SHE REALLY **IS **GOING TO KILL US!- _

_Aw, c'mon! How come I have to die for YOU being a jerk?!_

"… twelve… thirteen…"

"What happened to five through eleven?!" Yami demanded.

"Someone must have erased my memory of them. Fourteen… fifteen…"

_-I don't wanna die, I don't wanna die, I don't wanna die, I don't wanna die, I don't wanna die, I don't wanna die, I don't wanna die…-_

_AND YOU THINK I DO?! _

"Seventeen… eighteen… nineteen…"

_SCREW MORALITY! YAMI, STOP HER!_

"MIND CRUSH!" Yami shouted, hurling mind-warping shadow powers at Tea.

Tea looked confused. "… Huh? What were we talking about?"

"Um… you were just saying how… um… cool… puppies are. Yeah, puppies."

Tea's eyes started sparkling. "Oh, of course! Puppies are just ADORABLE!" Tea then began ranting about puppies and the adorableness of the aforementioned animal.

Very, VERY relieved, and with their souls now a delightful shade of black, Yugi and Yami led Tea out the door and off to the museum.

And Johnny? C'mon, that guy's a wuss. He ran away a LONG time ago.


	6. Chapter Five

Chapter 5: The secrets of… wait, didn't we know this already?

On the way to the museum, Tea started asking questions.

"So," Tea said, "What were we doing before we were talking about puppies?"

"Talking about kitties!" Yami said quickly.

"OH! I JUST LOOOOOVE KITTIES!" Tea squealed. "Okay! One more question: Who are you, and who am I?"

Yami turned red. "Oops."

_… what did you do NOW?_

_-All right, I may have put a little too much effort into that whole mind erase thing, and I'm not exactly a pro at it, and I was under a lot of pressure…- _

_… … … … … … You erased her whole mind, didn't you?_

_-Well, she still loves small furry animals, so not the WHOLE thing. Just everything that makes her an individual, like memory and identity.- _Yami thought, mentally shrugging.

_That's BAD, Yami._

_-Oh, I don't know. She doesn't seem too different, actually!- _"Hey, Tea!" he said out loud.

"Who?"

"You."

Tea's eyes lit up. "My name is TEA! How wonderful!" her eyes then narrowed. "For some reason, I have this vague feeling that you're a jerk,"

"Um… friendship!"

"OH, I JUST LOOOOOVE FRIENDSHIP!" Tea bubbled.

_-See? Nobody will notice!- _

_What about when she encounters people she's known her whole life, and they know her and SHE doesn't know them?! HOW WILL WE HIDE THAT, HUH?!_

"Hey, Tea!" Yami said.

"Who? Oh, wait, I'M Tea! That's SO COOL!"

"Yeah, cool, but wait… How do you feel about people you don't know?"

"OH, I JUST LOOOOOOOOOVE PEOPLE I DON'T KNOW! Every single person is a potential friend!" Tea practically shrieked. "Oh, except you. I still have this feeling that I don't like you."

_Alright, apparently memories DON'T matter too much. And she knows she's mad at you! This is going pretty well. _Yugi took back over, and Tea immediately ran over and hugged him.

"WOW! You're DIFFERENT! THAT'S GREAT! It's our differences that make us unique! You should be so happy to be different from that other guy! Also, I don't like him, but you're okay." Tea said simply.

"Um… yeah, okay, that's good. Now, we need to go to the museum…"

"OH, I JUST LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOVE MUSEUMS!" Tea screamed.

After a rather exhausting walk (Apparently Tea also LOOOOOOOOOOOOVED squirrels, trees, manhole covers, taxis, pedestrians, and benches, and she was not at all shy about sharing her feelings about them.) The duo (Or trio, technically) arrived at the museum. And standing nearby the front door, in the shadows…

"Bakura? What are you doing here… UNLESS you are ACTUALLY the foul spirit of the Tomb Robber of Ancient Egypt, come forth to seek information about my past to better lay a vicious trap for me!" Yami said accusingly.

"What? Oh, no. I just like hanging around museums after dark. It's a hobby." Bakura said.

" 'Bakura'?" Tea asked. "Oh, you have a name TOO! That is SO COOL!"

"Um… yeah. Hi, Tea…"

"YOU KNOW ME?! THAT MEANS WE'RE **FRIENDS! **I JUST LOOOOOOOOVE HAVING FRIENDS!" Tea roared.

Bakura's eyes widened. "Is she feeling okay?"

"She's having an off day. We were just about to go into the museum to gain ancient knowledge and such… wanna come?"

Evil Bakura smirked. "Why of course! Ancient knowledge is never a BAD thing, and besides, you might drop your guard for long enough for a well placed knife thrust! Let's go on in!"

"You walk in front, both hands visible at all times," Yami ordered.

"Oh, is he gonna try and murder you? Because, y'know, murder is WRONG. Even if I don't like you. And I don't." Tea informed everyone present.

And so, the erstwhile group entered and descended the staircase, eventually coming upon the very same exhibit that Kaiba had come across not so long ago. Inside, Isis sat. As soon as the door opened, she said calmly "Greetings, Yami. Yes, that is your EEEK!" Because of course, the first person into the room wasn't Yami, but Evil Bakura. "YOU are NOT supposed to be here! You're one of the bad guys! BE YE GONE FROM THIS SACRED PLACE, DARK DEFILER! OUT! OUT WITH YE!" she shouted, preparing to do battle with a very confused Evil Bakura.

"NO!" Yami shouted, shoving Bakura out of the way. "I'm here! I'm here! Don't burn anything down or smash anything, PLEASE! Just impart wisdom so we can move on with the plot!"

"Ah, welcome Yugi and Yami! I am Isis Ishtar." a reassured Isis said, pleased to see the object of her wisdom-imparting.

Yugi came out, looking dumbfounded. "It's a pleasure to meet you, miss Ishtar but… 'Yami'? Who is 'Yami'?"

"THAT is the name of the Spirit of the Puzzle!"

Tea's eyes widened. "Yugi, Yami, Isis? YOU ALL HAVE NAMES TOO?! That is SO COOL!"

_-Yugi, you already knew that! And why'd you say 'pleased to meet you'? You've met her before!-_

_Wow… your name is Yami, spirit! _

_-NO?! Ya don't say?! Because **I **thought my name was PHIL! OF COURSE MY NAME IS YAMI! I TOLD YOU THAT MYSELF!-_

"But that is not all! Isis told him. "He is also a LEGENDARY PHARAOH from five THOUSAND YEARS AGO! You see, during the time of the Shadow Games, it was Yami who sealed their magic away inside the Millennium Items! But to do so, he had to face an evil wizard, who was the descendant of Kaiba!"

Silence.

Yugi's Thoughts: _Oh, sweet god! The Spir… I mean, Yami, is a pharaoh! I NEVER would have guessed! It's such a remarkable revelation! And not only that, he's a legendary hero of incredible power! I would never, ever, ever, ever have even considered that such a remarkable and unbelievable saga could be unfolding before mine very eyes, in these modern times!_

Yami's Thoughts: _… … … … Didn't I know all that before? _

Tea's Thoughts: _WOW! I Can't BELIEVE that everybody here has a name! That's so COOL! Well, except for Yami. For some reason I just think he's a huge jerk. Hey… that Yugi is pretty cute. And he's not a huge jerk like Yami! He's shorter, and cuter, too! Maybe I can get together with HIM!_

Evil Bakura's Thoughts: _Hmmmmmm… If a pharaoh who has no children or relatives dies, does the tomb robber who stabbed him to death with a barbecue fork get his kingdom? Well, no reason not to try!_

Bakura's Thoughts: _I like walruses! _

(Mental Silence)

_-What the hell is wrong with you? Walruses? We just got a massive revelation about the very nature of the magic that has shaped all our lives for years, and the first thing that pops into your mind is 'hey, walruses'?- _Evil Bakura asked in disbelief.

_Hey! None of the others had THEIR thoughts interrupted! _

_-THEIR thoughts weren't so stupid! WALRUSES?!- _

_I happen to like walruses. If I could pick one animal to have as a pet, it would be a walrus. _

_-But why NOW?!- _

_What? You don't like walruses?_

_-I have nothing AGAINST them, but there is a time and place for considering the implications of owning one, and it ISN'T after massively important knowledge is unveiled!- _

_… … I also like unicorns. _

_-Oh, sweet Ra…- _

_I would name my unicorn 'Starbreeze', and ride it to the store every day to buy walrus food._

_-You just may be the biggest sissy I have ever met.- _

_Because, you know, the walrus has to eat. _

_-I got that part.- _

_The unicorn could just eat grass, but I'd need to buy things to feed the walrus._

_-What part of 'I got that' didn't you comprehend?- _

_But, I'd need Unicorn insurance. You know, in case something happened to my unicorn. _

_-Out of every person in the entire world, out of six BILLION people, I end up with a guy whose biggest concern is that his nonexistent unicorn might get stolen.- _

_It's not my BIGGEST concern, but I'm sure a unicorn would be really expensive and… HEY! Where'd everybody go?_

At some point in this conversation, everyone else had simply left the Bakuras standing around thinking at each other. To make matters worse, they had turned off the lights and locked the door behind them.

_Oh, dear._

_-Wonderful. Wonder-#(#&-ful. We're locked in. And it's all your fault. You and your #(&# unicorn.- _

_Ah, I know! We can spend the night here! We can stay up late into the night, telling 'manly' stories and singing fun songs! It'll be a bonding experience._

_-There is no word in any language known to man to describe exactly how much I hate you. Luckily, I made up my own some time ago, and it applies here. I completely, totally nolfeela you.- _

_Oh, you know you love me._

_-If I could kill you without killing me…- _

* * *

_-Well, Yugi, I hope you learned something today.- _

_I DID! I learned YOU were a PHARAOH! I had NO IDEA! I'm just so…_

_-Oh, not THAT! I knew all that. I've told you that before. You've been calling me Yami the entire story. I meant that you should have learned NOT TO LEAVE THE HOUSE. We nearly died, and I should think that would be sufficient proof to you that the world outside the cube is dangerous. We need to go home, and never, ever leave again.- _

_Really? Ah, I guess I'll have to throw out that invitation to the tournament…_

_-… invitation to the what now?-_

_Oh, we got an invitation to a mysterious tournament in the mail today. It said to meet in the town square if you wanted to compete, but I guess we won't…_

_-ARE YOU (&# INSANE?! Why, the fate of the world could be at stake! We have to join! TOURNAMENT, HO!- _

_But I thought…_

_-Maybe you didn't hear me. TOURNAMENT, HO!- _

_I thought you were afraid of being outside. You know that evil will be at this._

_-Yugi, there are certain things more important than your own life, and Duel Monsters is one of them. Now, we go onward, to my… our… destiny, as the complete and total champion of the universe!-_

And so it was that he (Oh, Tea was there too. But I figure that Yugi, Yami, and Tea together probably add up to one brain, total, so 'he' sounds right) set forth towards the location of the tournament. Once there, they found Rex Raptor (the biggest loser on the show) Weevil (the SCARIEST loser on the show) and good 'ol Mako, who was eating fish. These fish had, of course, been caught by Mako at the beach, as he was swimming. Mako loved eating fish, which he caught while swimming (Which he also loved) at the beach (Which he loved as well).

Mako, bless his soul, was very single-minded.

But there were some new faces, as well: Espa Roba, who was renowned as 'The Greatest Psychic in the- _shhhhhhhh! I'm trying to pretend to be psychic, Steve! Stop talking into the headset so loud! I already know what's in his hand, I heard you the first time! I think he can hear you talking! You guys need to be quiet, or he'll hear you and figure out I'm cheating!- _World'. He was well known for using his incredibly annoying voice to distract people from the fact that voices could be heard coming from beneath his hair. There were also some SANE duelists, who of course don't matter and would be wiped out in the first round, in addition to:

"Hey, Mai!" Yugi said cheerfully. "Long time no see!"

"My? My what? I don't have anything." Tea said.

"… … Is she feeling okay?" Mai asked.

"OH! WOW! YOU'RE WORRIED ABOUT ME! HOW FRIENDLY AND WONDERFUL! MY **NEW FRIEND!**" Tea shouted, crushing Mai in an enormous bear hug. Mai began to turn an interesting shade of blue.

"Ack… crushing spine… can't breathe…" she gasped out.

"How nice!" Tea said, seemingly oblivious to the fact Mai didn't seem happy about these things she was choking out.

Yugi pointed off into a random direction and shouted "Hey, look! A hamster!"

Tea instantly dropped her 'new' friend, who began taking in grateful lungfuls of air. "Oh, I just LOOOOOOOOOOVE hamsters!" Tea squeaked, sprinting off in search of said rodent.

Mai looked scared. "I see Tea's still healthy. How have you been doing?"

"Same as usual."

"That bad?"

"You know it. Hey, any idea who's throwing this thing?"

"Well, the invitation came addressed to 'vile embezzling bitch', so I think it's Kaiba. He apparently found out about some company funds I borrowed, and didn't take it overly well,"

Quite suddenly, every light in the entire city went out, and dozens of spotlights shone into the air… onto a blimp emblazoned with the KaibaCorp. sigil. Every T.V. in the entire city, even the ones that were turned off, showed Kaiba's face. Smirking viciously, the world champion prepared to give what was certain to be an inspiring, deeply brilliant speech. He opened his mouth and said:

"… … … … … … … … … … … … …" Total silence. His mouth moved, but no noise came out.

"HUH?" The crowd asked.

"::CLICK::! Sorry, my microphone was turned off. As I was saying, WELCOME to Domino… but Domino is a very boring place. So much more importantly, welcome to my tournament!

"Now, this tournament will be a little different from other tournaments you may have seen in your wasted lives. It's an EXTREME tournament, and as such has many EXTREME new rules! For instance, any duelist who loses a match will be shot in the face."

Just then, a remarkable thing happened. A large piece of wood, probably a baseball bat, descended onto the screen and hit Kaiba in the head with a loud ::thunk!::. "OW! MOKUBA, WHAT WAS THAT FOR?!"

From off screen, Mokuba Kaiba's voice could be heard, saying, "Tell them the REAL rules!"

"That was one of the real rules!"

::THUNK!:: "The rules we AGREED on!"

"OW! Alright, alright… any duelist who loses a match will 'give up their rarest card'," Kaiba said sarcastically. He then mouthed, very obviously so all the contestants could see, _And by give up your card, I mean be SHOT in the FACE._

::THUNK!::

"OW! Oh, alright. Give up card. Sure. Next: You will need six 'locator cards' to find the finals. At the end of the tournament, any duelist who does not have these cards will be rounded up by my elite death squads and killed!"

::THUNK!::

"OW! Heh, heh… I mean, will have to watch the finals on T.V.!" Kaiba said, trying to stem the flow of blood from his head. But once again, he mouthed to the crowd: _You think I'm joking? You don't win those cards, you'd sure as hell better get out of town before they find you…_

::THUNK!::

"Ow… oh… I'm starting to get dizzy here… finally… you must also… use my new, even more confusing DuelDisc. It's… very pretty… and when you lose lifepoints, it basically just beats the crap out of you. Oh and… I realize that this sounds a little weird, but if anyone happens to have a giant stone coffin marked all over with hieroglyphics, please bring it to the finals. I'd love to tell you why… but to tell the truth, I really don't know. Now, go home, and prepare, because in ONE week, my OKYKHSHTHNEECBAHFS$BTHDWTLAMAH#SIHWH$B tournament begins!"

The duelists, who had been cheering, or muttering, or even making jokes about Kaiba, all said the exact same thing:

"**_HUH?_**"

"His WHAT tournament?" Mai asked.

"… How do you even say that?" Yugi wondered.

_-okzxcmbxz?- _Yami thought.

"Were there even any vowels in that?" Weevil inquired.

"Oky…kiss…tineec…" Rex said, trying to pronounce it.

"Okay, I've talked to the celestial spirits of the universe… and they have NO idea what he just said," Espa Roba said.

"… is that some kind of fish?" Mako wondered. Mako was rather single-minded.

On the screen, the bat descended several more times (::THUNK::THUNK::THUNK::THUNK!::). Kaiba, apparently unconscious, fell out of the view, and Mokuba entered. "Testing… testing… is this thing on? Okay, guys: Sorry. I'd like to apologize for my brother. The tournament is called Battle City. No, we won't kill the losers. Yes, it is in a week, and yes you do need the DuelDisc 2, so get one. No, there are no death squads. See you there,"

At this point, Mokuba's image disappeared from the screen, but his voice kept coming a few seconds later: "God, what a disaster… what did I tell you about letting Seto make announcements?! I told you DON'T, that's what! I swear, you are OUT of this company tomorrow! Did you think those death squads were a joke?! After this fiasco, you're lucky I don't send them after YOU! What? What? Speak up, dammit! The mic is still… WHAT THE #(&# DO YOU MEAN THE MIC IS STILL ON?! TURN IT OFF, BEFORE I ::CLICK::!"

The crowd just stared at the screen in absolute silence for several minutes.

"So… see you all in a week?" Yugi said, unsurely.

"YUGI! I FOUND THE HAMSTER!" Tea said, coming back with one of Espa's little brothers in a headlock.

Back at the cube, Yugi had a thought. _Hey, Yami? What do you think that thing about the sarcophagus was all about? _

Yami mentally shrugged. -_Well, we know Kaiba is a lunatic… hey, we got mail!-_

The two of them went to their mailbox, and when they opened it, a massive stone coffin flew out. -_HOLY HELL!- _Yami shouted, mentally jumping.

On the top of the sarcophagus, there was a sticky note that read:

Dear Yugi/Yami,

Hi! How are you? I'm good. This contains a piece of something so utterly terrible that if it were ever recombined into one item it would shatter the universe with its evil. Well, probably. I've never looked inside. I gave Seto a piece the other day, and I also got one for you. Please carry it around with you, and keep it away from the forces of darkness. See you guys for dinner next week!

-Isis

_-Carry it around? How? That thing HAS to weigh two thousand pounds!- _

Yugi looked from the mailbox, to the sarcophagus, and back to the mailbox. "How did she get it IN there?" he wondered.

When you consider how fast I threw this together, I really like how it turned out! Tune in next time for the first interlude, starring (Because YOU demanded it!) Bakura! Both of him!


	7. Interlude: Bakura's Dramatic Origin

Special Bonus Interlude: The Dark and Sinister Origin of Evil Bakura! (Now digitally remastered!)

_Ohhhhhh, I am the very model of a modern major general, I've information vegetable, animal, and mineral, I know the Kings of England and I quote the fights historical from Marathon to Waterloo in order categorical..._ Bakura mentally sang.

_-STOP, DAMMIT! I HATE that song, and you've been singing it for five HOURS!-_

_Oh... you want me to sing a different song! Oh, that old black magic has me in its spell, that old black magic that I know so well... I am the very model of a modern major general!_

_-Hate... hate... hate... hate... hate... hate... hate... hate...-_

_Do you want to make popcorn balls and share secrets about our feelings?_

_-SEARING hate...-_

_Oh, I know! Waffles!_

_-Why can't I die?-_

_Yami, I've had such fun! Getting locked in this museum has been such a bonding experience! We've sung fun songs... well, I've sung them... and we've talked about our feelings... granted, the only feelings YOU'VE talked about are anger and hatred...I wish we could do this all the time!_

_-Why, what a coincidence! **I **wish that you would just #$ DIE.- _

_Oh, you know you love me. _

_-I hope you get hit by a truck.-_

_I'm your favorite person in the whole world!_

_-... are you deaf, or just an unbelievable moron? You, out of EVERYONE, are the single living entity I despise the most. I pray each and every day that some benevolent deity will banish your worthless soul to the depths of the hellish pit you most certainly deserve, leaving my body my OWN once again.-_

_... It's my body. And YOU deserve the hellish pit._

_-Semantics.-_

_Why do you even hate me so much? I mean, I've never done anything to you. I'm a personable person. You use my body to kill and steal, and I never complain. What is your problem with me?_

_-Well, part of it is just principle. You're a sickening, pitiful, idiotic twerp.-_

_I am NOT idiotic!_

_-Also, I'm black, twisted, and evil, and take no pleasure in life except pleasure derived from harming others.-_

_Hard to argue with that._

_-But for the most part, you are an impediment in my quest to claim the ULTIMATE POWER that is my DESTINY!-_

_Alright, that's a step. But, what do you mean your 'destiny'?_

_-Oh, NOW you've done it. You've unleashed the ultimate evil.-_

_W-w-w-w-w-hat?_

_-The only way to explain my destiny is to tell you of my ancient past. And the only way to do THAT is...-_

_No. Oh NO! Please, God no!_

_-A CHAPTER-LONG FLASHBACK!-_

_NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!_

_-STOP YOUR WHINING! YOU UNLEASHED THIS DARKNESS, AND NOW YOU MUST SUFFER THE CONSEQUENCES!-_

Flashback:

_I was born in the heart of Thebes, capitol of Ancient Egypt, to a poor family._

E. Bakura: WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!

E. Bakura's Father: WOMAN! Shut that stupid little freak up! I'm trying to watch the game!

E. Bakura's Mother: But T.V. hasn't been invented yet! Besides, he's only thirty seconds old!

E. Bakura's Father: ... He? Damn, that means we have to keep him!

_Despite my father's inherent evil, my mother was a caring, compassionate woman, and I turned to picking pockets in order to provide for her. Unfortunately..._

E. Bakura: I managed to steal three hundred dinarii at the market! We'll have plenty of food for a while, mom!

E. Bakura's Father: (Takes money) Give me that, you little twerp! Prostitution hall, here I come!

E. Bakura: ... what makes you such an incredible jackass?

E. Bakura's Father: Oh, I hate you because I wanted a daughter.

E. Bakura: Why?

E. Bakura's Father: I could have SOLD her! Instead I have to keep you around, when I really hate you!

E. Bakura's Mother: Honey, stop, you'll give him a complex.

E. Bakura's Father: Oh, come on, like this kid wasn't going to go nuts before he was fifteen in any case.

_When I reached my teens, I turned to more impressive thievery in order to survive._

E. Bakura: (On a thievery) Hee, hee, hee... I'm actually going to steal the legendary golden cat of Anubis right out of its owner's palace!

Owner of the Legendary Gold Cat of Anubis: (Waking up) hmmmmm... heh? A THIEF! Five hundred lethal assassins! KILL HIM!

Five Hundred Lethal Assassins: ATTAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAACK!

E. Bakura: (Running) There has GOT to be someone to rob who won't fight back! ...hey, tombs!

_It was then I realized: If you rob CORPSES, they don't try to stop you! And thus was born the greatest tomb robber in Egyptian history. I could rob any tomb, with the greatest of ease!_

E. Bakura: (Robbing a tomb) Wow, I do this with the greatest of ease!

_And yet, hard times fell on my family. My father sold my mother to Babylonians to buy a new camel._

E. Bakura's Father: (Patting the camel's neck, proudly) It gets thirty furlongs to the bale of hay!

_To make matters worse, my reputation and growing wealth made my greedy father jealous of my success._

E. Bakura's Father: Son, I've noticed that you are rapidly growing in wealth and reputation, and that your skills in your trade are unsurpassed.

E. Bakura: Why, thank you father! I must admit, we've never been close, but you ARE my father, and I think that we should try to patch up our torn past. We may never like each other, but I think we can come to share a familial bond and respect that can...

E. Bakura's Father: However, I'm jealous of your success, and I hate you. I hope you die, and I'll certainly be doing my best to insure that happens soon.

E. Bakura: ... How did a man like you ever attract a woman to procreate with in the first place?

E. Bakura's Father: I'm told that I LOOK wealthy, even though in fact I'm an impoverished, philandering creep.

E. Bakura: How is it no one has killed you yet?

E. Bakura's Father: I usually kill them first. Watch your back, scum.

_The animosity between myself and my father grew, until one day he attempted to kill me!_

E. Bakura's Father: (Attempting to kill Evil Bakura) I am SO gonna kill you.

_So I fed him to flesh-eating scarabs._

E. Bakura's Father: OH SWEET RA IT HURTS! THEY'RE EATING MY FLESH!

E. Bakura: Wow, I never thought scarabs actually DID eat people! You learn something new every day!

_With that last chain to my past broken, I was finally free to fulfill my full potential. The night became my territory, and all of Egypt became easy prey for my thieving hand._

E. Bakura: (In a hot tub, wearing about six pounds of jewelry, with one woman hanging on each arm) Evil Bakura is in the HIZ-OUUUUUUUUSE!

_I was at the highest echelons of the criminal world, and all others who practiced the art of theft knew my name._

E. Bakura: (Driving by on his tricked-out 2004 (B.C.) Lamborghini Chariot)

Thug 1: Yo, who dat?

Thug 2: Dat be da B-dawg, homes. He robs the tizzle for rizzle, yo.

Thug 1: He robs da tombs?

Thug 2: For real, bizzatch

Thug 1: Ya know, I think I'm down with dat.

Thug 2: Word.

_I stole the most valuable sacred treasures for sport. Even the most cunningly hidden wealth was simple prey for my superior mind. _

Egyptian #1: That goddamn tomb robber took my gold!

Egyptian #2: Really? Where'd you hide it?

Egyptian #1: Well, I hid half of it in a highly visible and conspicuous safe. The other half I hid inside a jar marked 'Not Hidden Gold'.

Egyptian #2: No... no WAY.

Egyptian #1: Oh, believe it.

Egyptian #2: I mean, the safe I can understand, but he found the gold in the jar, too?

Egyptian #1: Oh, we're dealing with a real pro, here.

E. Bakura: (Hiding in the shadows, shaking his head almost sadly) Ancient Egyptian security SUCKS.

_But I quickly grew bored. No target was worthy to be stolen by me, except for one challenge... the very palace of the Pharaoh himself!_

E. Bakura: Alright, now I can make my try for the legendary wealth of the Pharaoh, Yami the First. Mmmmmmmmm... wealth. (Drools)

_The Palace was a place of tremendous wealth: Everything I had ever stolen would barely equal the worth of a single room in that castle. And as such it was also the most dangerous of targets, guarded by over a thousand vicious, elite soldiers; with its treasure rooms secured behind hundreds of traps designed to destroy any who sought to trespass. Hundreds of thieves had attempted to steal the treasure of the Pharaoh; none had even come close. Every last one had died a horrible, painful death and been fed to starving, rabid jackals. As I think about it now, I have no idea what gave me the courage to attempt this robbery..._

E. Bakura::HIC!:: I am SOOOOOOOO drunk.

_I slowly infiltrated the palace, taking care to avoid each and every one of the dangerous traps. I was tested as never before... _

E. Bakura: (Strolling down a hallway, making absolutely no effort to avoid anything and walking in plain sight) I can't believe I lucked on to the 'Changing of the Traps', when all the traps are turned off! And the guards are outside having a picnic! Ancient Egyptian security ::HIC!:: SUCKS!

_I penetrated to the heart of the Palace, and it was there that I found an artifact of more value than the entire rest of the palace... the Mighty and mystical Millennium Ring! I, of course, recognized immediately its great potential..._

E. Bakura::HIC!:: Oooooh, shiny... (Puts it on)

_But just then, I was discovered._

Yami: (Singing) Oooooh, I am the very model of a modern major-general... Hey, you aren't supposed to be in here!

E. Bakura: YOU ::HIC!:: had better be careful... I got this RING, and it's got (Makes 'spooky' hand motions) maaaaaagical powers.

Yami: Yes. Yes it does. But on the other hand, **I **have the almighty, unlimited power of the pharaoh, which makes the magic of the Ring seem as though it were only a tiny drop of water compared to a massive flood covering all the land.

E. Bakura: I am SOOOOOOOO drunk.

Yami: It shows. (Kills E. Bakura)

End Flashback

-_And you see, in that fateful confrontation I was destroyed and my soul imprisoned in this Ring! And that, Bakura, is why I'm so evil and spiteful.-_

_That's... nice... but you were supposed to be telling me about why ultimate power is your 'destiny'._

_-OOOOOOH! THAT! Well...-_

Flashback

E. Bakura: Ultimate power is really cool!

End Flashback

_... ... ... ... That's it? All the evil plots, the murder, the theft... It's all about some whim you just sort of had one day?_

_-What? Ultimate power IS really cool. Women love it.-_

_Well, I suppose so... I guess by now, I shouldn't be surprised by anything you do. Hey, do you realize what this means? We actually bonded here! _

_-I... I... I... I... you know, I guess we kind of did. It wasn't so bad, actually... my origin IS awfully cool. Hey, what's your origin?-_

_You... ::sniff:: You want to know my origin? Oh, that's so... so... so..._

_-I didn't ask for your emotional baggage. Just your origin.-_

_Okay, well..._

Flashback

Just outside Smallville, Kansas, a spacepod bearing Bakura, last survivor of Krypton, crashed into a corn field...

End Flashback

_-That was Superman's origin! I told you mine, now you tell me your **real** one!-_

_Okay, well... _

Flashback:

The radioactive spider crawled down the pipe, preparing to sink its fangs into the unassuming Bakura...

End Flashback:

_-YOU ARE NOT SPIDER-MAN! NOW TELL ME YOUR #()# ORIGIN!-_

_Okay, well..._

Flashback

Dr. Kaufmann looked worried. "You do realize, Mr. Bakura, that the super-soldier serum has never been tested on a human being? It could very well kill you."

Bakura nodded bravely. "I know that, but I was too scrawny to be accepted by the military. This is the only way I'll be able to help America defeat the Nazis! Do it, doc!"

The doctor injected the serum into Bakura's arm... an arm that immediately began to grow.

End Flashback

-_You aren't even AN American, much less CAPTAIN America! **NOW TELL ME YOUR DAMN ORIGIN!**-_

_Okay, well..._

Flashback

Bakura, the mightiest general in the history of the world, gazed out at the sands, stained red by the blood of the fifty-thousand warriors he had slain with his unbelievable military skill. The sun glinted off his huge sword and the three-thousand pound armor he wore as though it were mere cotton...

End Flashback

_-And THAT was just from your bullshit fanfic! For the absolute last time, I #(&# shared, now YOU have to #(&# share before I rip your #(&# heart out!-_

_Alright, alright! I was born in Liverpool, England. I went to private schools, and had loving parents. But one thing always dominated my mind... as I went about my life, I focused only on one thing, and all the people in my life drove me onward. Do you know what they told me, Yami?_

_-That you were destined to hold the Millennium Ring and eventually guide the fate of the universe?-_

_No... they told me that I... AM the very model of a modern major-general, I've information vegetable, animal, and mineral, I know the Kings of England and I quote the fights historical from Marathon to Waterloo in order categorical! I'm very well acquainted, too, with matters mathematical I understand equations, both the simple and quadratical, about binomial theorem I'm teeming with a lot o' news with many cheerful facts about the square of the hypotenuse! _Bakura cheerfully sang.

-_**YEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRGGHHHHHH!**-_Evil Bakura screamed, and attempted to spiritually strangle his soulmate.


	8. Chapter Six

Chapter 6: Have you talked to those Chickens lately? They're SMART.

Isis walked down the steps and unlocked the door, preparing to set up her exhibit for the day. Evil Bakura, his eyes wide with some cross between gratitude and utter insanity, burst through the door as it opened and trapped her in a bear hug. "Oh, thank god, you blessed, blessed woman! I couldn't have spent another second in that room with that horrible monster!" his voice was raw, as though he had been crying for several hours, and several clumps of his large, spiky hair had been torn out.

Suddenly, he looked away from her and started staring into thin air. His eyes grew even wider and filled with tears again. "Oh Jesus… HE'S STILL SINGING!" the evil spirit shrieked, and ran away screaming about how nothing could silence the 'horrible major-general in his head'.

Isis sighed sadly. "I," she said, to nobody in particular, "Really need to cultivate a new circle of friends."

* * *

The domino schoolyard was abuzz with talk of Kaiba's upcoming tournament. This was Domino High, so of course Duel Monsters was the only topic worth discussing, and the teachers had not actually taught a class since the Reagan administration. Tea was off with a small group of girls, expressing to them the depths of her concerns on exactly how great clouds were (She just LOOOOOOOOOVED them). Tristan was duct taped to a tree with his mouth hot-glued shut (That was the only way Yami allowed him to be in his presence). And Joey…

Joey was livid. "What do you mean, Kaiba is havin' a tournament, and he didn't invite me?! It's as though he didn't like me!"

"… … … … I would deeply love to respond to that, but I think that quiet contemplation about the complete stupidity of that comment is the best idea right now," Yugi said.

After a few seconds, Joey said "Oh, that's right! Kaiba DOESN'T like me! Well, I suppose that there's nothing to be done…"

"Oh, that's good. I was worried you were going to conceive of some idiotic harebrained scheme to get into the tournament that only I really need to enter."

"Heeeeeey… an idiotic harebrained scheme! That just might work! Great idea, Yug! And I know JUST the people to bring my scheme to fruition!" Joey said. He pulled out his cell phone, and began dialing.

_Since when can Joey afford a cell phone?_

_-I believe he got a new part-time job.-_

_Ah. Good for him!_

"Hey, Vinnie? Yeah, dis is Joe. Listen, I need a favor from you guys… of course I know da rules. I'll be happy to. Of course I got it! It's like I told ya, I'm yer man in this town! I'll deliver it in…" he checked his watch, a solid gold rolex, "… twenty minutes, 'kay? See ya!"

_Holy hell, that was a $900 watch! How can he possibly afford that?!_

_-I believe he got a new part-time job.-_

_Must be one heck of a job._

"Listen, Yug, I gotta make a delivery, so I'll see you in a few hours to register for da tournament. Bye!" and with that, Joey got into his personal helicopter and flew off.

_Hoo__, boy… now he's going to make a complete imbecile of… him… HELICOPTER?! Where the #$(&# did he get a helicopter?!_

_-I believe he got a new part time job.- _

_… a job that pays what, a million dollars an hour?! A phone sure, a rolex MAYBE, but no part-time job in the #(&# world can buy you a helicopter!_

_-Point taken. Perhaps we should follow him?- _

_… How? He's in a helicopter._

_-Obviously, we need the most incredible chase-scene cliché in the history of the world! We need… A passing farm truck!- _

Just then, a truck carrying a shipment of corn stopped five feet in front of Yugi. The convenient old farmer in the driver's seat said "Well, gee gosh young'un, how y'all doin'?"

"I need to catch that helicopter! DRIVE!" Yami said, jumping into the passenger seat.

"Well, YEEEEEEE-HA!" The convenient old farmer crowed and drove off after Joey at about 100 miles per hour.

Neither Yugi nor Yami had the slightest idea of what their friend was up to… or the immensity of the evil they were about to become embroiled in.

Tristan sighed, and began struggling against his bonds. Sometimes, he thought people forgot to untie him on purpose. Luckily, Tea just LOOOOOOOOOOVED helping people… so she gave him a long, painful lecture about how important friendship was in the untying of ropes.

Hey, I didn't say it was lucky for HIM.

* * *

They tracked Joey to a park in the 'bad' side of town (Domino didn't have a whole lot of town, so the 'bad' side of town was almost exactly the same as the 'good' side, except it had more potholes and no KaibaCorp.) Pulling an ear of corn out of his hair, Yugi leapt from the convenient old farm truck and ran to hide behind a tree, watching as Joey stood next to the fountain, whistling. Suddenly, three small figures in trenchcoats walked up.

"You guys," Joey said, "Are LATE."

"Cluck, cluck." The first figure said.

Joey chuckled. "Whatever you say, pal,"

_Sweet mother of God… they're CHICKENS! _Yugi thought in horror. _Who knows what sort of horrible, feathery web they are weaving around poor stupid Joey?_

_-Don't worry, Yugi. Not all chickens serve the forces of evil. Perhaps those are rogue chickens, who have renounced the foul Death Goddess Clucktoria, and turned their back on their vile poultry heritage.- _

Joey handed one of the chickens a paper bag. The chicken looked inside, clucked in wicked satisfaction, and handed Joey a briefcase full of money in response.

_-Or perhaps Joey has become a drug smuggler for some sort of horrible chicken mafia. Both are possible.- _

_Yami, chickens despise all goodly folk! Everyone knows that they seek to rise above their humble bird origins to rule the planet with an iron wing. That's why we eat them! We can't allow Joey to serve their evil designs. _Yugi thought determinedly.

"Oh, yeah, Vinnie… I need ta get inta da Battle City toinament, so could ya do somethin' about that?"

"Cluck."

"Heh, heh… you guys are da best! See you in two weeks, kay?"

"Cluck."

Joey smiled. Now he would be in Battle City (or OKYKHSHTHNEECBAHFS$BTHDWTLAMAH#SIHWH$B, depending on who you asked), and he would be able to give Serenity a ride home from the hospital that very night… IN A HELICOPTER! Yes, organized crime definitely agreed with him. He watched the chicken mafia walk away, and then he turned… and saw Yugi.

"Hello, Joseph." The smaller boy said.

"Um… er… um… er… hi!"

"Who were they, Joseph?"

"They were just some… er… friends a mine! I was gonna introduce you, but…"

"But they didn't speak English. Or Japanese. Or whatever language we speak here. Were they… foreign?"

"Well…"

"But foreigners don't have FEATHERS! Were they aliens?"

"Well…"

"Oh, wait, aliens are larger! They were chickens, weren't they?!"

"Yug…" Joey said, tears running down his face, "YES! THEY WERE CHICKENS!" he fell forward and began crying on Yugi's shoulder.

"Joey, you know chickens are wrong. How could you have done this?"

"I… I… needed the money to pay for my sister's eye surgery!"

"No, you didn't. You got the money for that from Duelist Kingdom. In fact, I gave you twenty times more money than your sister's operation could have possibly cost,"

Joey stopped crying. "Oh… you remembered that, huh?"

"It was kind of a big event,"

"Alright. The truth of the matter is…"

Flashback:

Joey: Wow, I love walking in the countryside!

Chicken: (Stepping out of shadows, carrying briefcase) /Good afternoon, Mr. Wheeler. Enjoying your walk?/

Joey: You're one a dose chickens that beat me up!

Chicken/Indeed. You proved yourself to be a worthy opponent in those clashes, Joseph./

Joey: (Getting ready to fight) Hey, if you wanna piece a' me…

Chicken: (Snaps its… wings?… and a dozen chickens leap out of the bushes.) /Now, now, Mr. Wheeler, you wouldn't want to start a fight here, would you? When we just want to talk…/

Joey: _Aw, man… they got me totally outnumbered! _Alright… whaddya wanna talk about?

Chicken/I will be perfectly frank with you, Mr. Wheeler. My organization is planning to take over this territory, and I think you would be the perfect inside man. With your connections and my resources, we could be excellent business partners./

Joey: I would NEVER join your evil Chicken mafia!

Chicken/Really? Now, we know you have a sister, Mr. Wheeler. Wouldn't it be a shame if she were walking along and say… hit with eggs?/

Joey: You MONSTER!

Chicken/Or maybe even… pecked!/

Joey: I… I… (Looks hopeless, but then finds inner strength) NO! I won't sell you my soul, even for Serenity's sake!

Chicken: (Opens briefcase) /Would you sell it for twenty-million dollars?/

Joey: … Would you like my soul giftwrapped?

_Note/Translated from Chickenese/_

End Flashback

"That's IT?! You were able to stand up to a death threat against the person who matters most to you in the world, but out comes the money and you're like 'Hey, I'm your drug monkey!'"

"DRUGS?! No, Yug, drugs are bad for ya! I been deliverin' them missile components so they can conquer Hong Kong."

"… … … I think that may be worse."

Meanwhile, in Hong Kong:

"/All hail Supreme Emperor Roostror!/" the chicken clucked on the giant screen overlooking the slave pits. The people of Hong Kong were chained together, being forced to tear down their city and use the pieces to build a massive statue of a chicken. A rooster wearing a crown and a cape appeared on the screen.

"/This is but the first step! Your city has fallen to chickenkind, and in the name of our goddess Clucktoria we shall wipe out your pitiful human race! Soon, the wings of the chickens shall encompass the world entire!/" the rooster clucked malevolently.

Back in Domino:

"Oh, well… I suppose we have no choice but to continue life as usual and hope you haven't doomed mankind…" Yugi sighed.

"Hey, let's go sign up for BATTLE CITY!" Joey said perkily. "After all, we love Duelin'!"

"Joey, you may have just started a genocidal war for control of Earth's biosphere, you could show a little remorse…"

"Yessir, we're duelin' freaks! Duelin' fanatics! We're a duelin' **machine** up on the video **screen**! Duelin' like you ain't never **seen**!" Joey sang, doing a little dance.

"But what about…"

"DUELIN'!"

"… Hong Kong could be under attack RIGHT NOW…"

"DUELIN'!"

"…World War III…"

"DUELIN'!"

"ALRIGHT! WE'LL GO REGISTER!" Yugi screamed, finally snapping.

"That's great, Yug! After all, NOTHING is more important than dis!" Joey said sagely.

At Domino General Hospital…

"WHERE IS HE?!" Serenity Wheeler roared. "He **KNOWS **my eye surgery is TODAY! He couldn't have forgotten (I mean, NOBODY is that stupid)! He should be here giving me moral support… and I mean RIGHT THE #()&# **_NOW_**!"

"Now, dear, your operation isn't for five more hours…" Mrs. Wheeler said, the tiniest little bit frightened by her daughter's behavior.

Serenity smiled cheerfully. "Aw, thanks mom. You're right, Joey would never miss something this important!" Her eyes then narrowed again, and there was a slight flash of red light behind them. "He has five hours to get here, and for HIS sake, he'll do it,"

I've said it before, I'll say it again: it's the quiet ones you have to watch out for.

* * *

"Why hello there children!" the toy man said. "Let me guess… you're here to join Mr. Kaiba's… how do you pronounce that? Sprref… sscsdke… oh, screw it. You here to join Battle City?" His nametag read 'My Name is: Evil Underling in Disguise'.

"That we are, sir. Yugi Moto and Joey Wheeler!" Yugi said. The man punched the names in on his computer.

Duelist ID: Yugi Moto

Duelist Rank: Deserves to freakin' die. And he will… ohhhhhhh, he will.

Tournament Status: HE JOINS! HE DOESN'T GET A CHOICE! IF HE TRIES NOT TO JOIN, **MAKE HIM!**

Duelist ID: Joey Wheeler

Duelist Rank: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! (Deep Breath) HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Tournament Status: Wheeler?! In MY tournament?! It's funny 'cause you have to ask.

The toy man sighed. Mr. Kaiba always had been a little eccentric. "Well, it looks like you," he pointed to Yugi, "Are okay… although your hair is above regulation size."

"It's custom made!" Yugi said proudly. His hair glittered.

"But your friend there is banned from this tournament, as well as, and I quote, 'Any other tournament or event I or my descendants ever throw/hold/attend in the history of time' by Mr. Kaiba. I'm sorry…" Then his eyes bulged and the veins started popping out of his neck as he looked closer at Joey's profile. "WHAAAAAT?! HE HAS THE RARE RED-EYES BLACK DRAGON?! THE RARE HUNTERS SHALT DESCEND UPON HIM LIKE FALCONS, GRINDING HIS WEAK DECK TO A FINE POWDER AS THEY SMITE HIS PUNY MONSTERS INTO OBLIVION, CLAIMING THAT ONE, LONE DIAMOND IN THE ROUGH AS THEIR WORTHY PRIZE!" the man screamed.

Yugi's eyes widened. _Yami, I think that maybe, possibly, this guy works for the rare hunters. Perhaps._

_-So?- _

_SO?! Yami, they shalt descend upon Joey like falcons, grinding his deck into a fine powder as they smite…_

_-Two words: Bandit. Keith.- _

_… Oh yeah._

_-Whatever total loser is now in charge of that little band of total losers is an even bigger total loser than Malik. If they hunt Joey, they'll probably end up GIVING him cards.- _

"AND NOW, I SHALL HACK YOU INTO THE TOURNAMENT THAT THOU MAY CLAIMEST A DUELING-DISC… AND BECOME LITTLE MORE THAN **PREY! **BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHUH?!" the man interrupted his monologue to note that Joey's profile was changing WITHOUT him hacking.

Duelist Profile: Joey Wheeler

Duelist Rank: As good as a $500,000 bribe from the chicken mafia.

Tournament Status: You'd be amazed how quickly money (coupled with a hearty death-threat) changes my opinions on something.

Joey smirked. His contacts were birds of their word after all.

Joey wandered back to his fourteen bedroom house and plopped down on the couch. He tossed the DuelDisc over into a corner and hit the flashing button on his answering machine.

"::BEEP!:: Cluck, cluck cluck. Ba-GAWK! Cluck, cluck, cluck::BEEP!::"

"::BEEP!:: HI, JOEY! I JUST FOUND A PHONE, AND SINCE I JUST LOOOOOOOOVE PHONES I DECIDED TO CALL EVERY NUMBER IN THE PHONE BOOK AND TELL THEM ALL ABOUT HOW GREAT FRIENDSHIP IS! AND NOW, YOU CAN CALL ME! I JUST LOOOOOOO- ::BEEP!::"

"::BEEP!:: Hey, Joey. This is your sister, just calling to congratulate you! I heard that there's a new tournament starting, and I'm SURE you'll be in it! So good luck, and have a nice time! Oh, and by the way: IT'S NINE O' #(& CLOCK! AS OF THIS MESSAGE, YOU HAVE EXACTLY FIFTEEN MINUTES TO GET HERE BEFORE THEY START CUTTING INTO MY #(&# EYES, AND IF YOU DON'T SHOW UP I WILL TEAR YOUR SPINE OUT AND HANG IT AS A TROPHY ON MY BEDROOM WALL!

"Oh, and when you come, please bring one of those duel-discs with you! I heard they're really neat ::BEEP!::"

"Aw, nuts," Joey said. He then sprinted for the door, stopped, ran over to grab the disc, and deciding the door would take too long, jumped out through a closed window.

Little did Joseph know that all his actions were being watched. He was under the trained hunting eye of an implacable predator.

"Hehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehe." The figure laughed, a very creepy, low-pitched, rapid-fire giggle.


	9. Chapter Seven

Chapter 7: The First Duel… no, seriously. I really mean it. What, NOW you don't believe me? Where are you going?! Don't make me hit you!

Joey ran for his life. Nay, his soul.

Each and every step resounded in his mind like the sounds of… of… of… well, SOMETHING that counts down until you die. A death-clock? I dunno. Well, whatever. The point is that he was moving really fast, okay? Damn, you're all on my case today.

_Hee, hee, hee… I'm actually gonna make it! _Joey exulted. He had the disc and everything. Serenity would be all perky and cheerful, and she wouldn't rip his head off with her bloody fangs. The only thing that could possibly stop him now was an unscheduled card game!

"HALT!" a voice thundered. Three guys dropped out of the sky right in front of him, all wearing black cloaks emblazoned with a gold eye. "Hehehehehehehehehehehehehehe…" the leader laughed, a kind of creepy, low-pitched, rapid fire giggle. "Why, Mr. Wheeler, you seem to have fallen into our little Exodia. Now, we, the Rare Hunters, shall Exodia you and Exodia your Red-Eyes!" Rare Hunter said.

"… … huh?"

"We wish to Exodia your Exodia so I can add it to my Exodia," Rare Hunter explained calmly.

"… Could you stop replacin' random words with 'Exodia'? Makes it kinda hard to follow what yer sayin'."

"… … …Exodia?"

"Yeah, like that."

"Listen, I don't know what the Exodia you're talking about, kid! But now, you and I are going to EXODIA!"

"… … … huh?"

"Duel."

"Ahhhh. Well, I AM on my way to my sister's vitally important eye surgery, and my being late would be horrible for both HER self-confidence and MY physical health… but to play cards, sure!" he strapped his duel-disc to his arm.

* * *

Far away, in the Motoh residence, inside the Millennium Puzzle, Yami shot up in bed. The Millennium Puzzle had a very nice bedroom, and Yami typically slept through the night unless something evil happened. Now, however, he shot up like a startled cat. He looked around and sniffed the air.

_-DUELING.- _He thought darkly. -_YUGI! AWAKEN!- _

_… … … zzzz… …zzzzz……zzzzz_

_-WAKE UP YOU LITTLE DOLT!- _

_Y-yami? I was having a dream about bagels. Is that odd?_

_-It means you're a woman trapped in a man's body. But that doesn't matter! There's a duel afoot, and WE AREN'T IN IT!-_

_… I am NOT a woman. _

_-That BASTARD author! He promised ME a real duel! MEEEEEE! Not whatever little freak has the TEMERITY to steal my duel!- _

_I mean, everybody eats bagels. They're round, and crispy on the outside but soft and warm on the inside. I personally like a good bagel. So it's perfectly natural for me to have a dream about said pastry… IS a bagel a pastry? _

_-I think it's just a baked good; I'm pretty sure it's not a pastry unless it has frosting.-_

_But you could PUT frosting on the bagel._

_-No, I mean things that come with frosting IN the bakery. But that's beside the point! By the blood of the gods of Egypt, we shalt sally forth and crush those fools who dareth to usurp my duel for their own nefarious ends! ONWARD!-_

_Zzzzzzz… zzzzzzz… zzzzzz…_

_-Yugi? Yugi, wake up. Yugi! YUGI!-_

* * *

The Rare Hunter put on his DuelDisc, and in a brilliant display of robotic precision it leapt into motion, preparing to launch its incredible holographic display.

The DuelDisc latched onto Joey's arm… and it just sat there.

"Exodia?" Rare Hunter said impatiently.

"What?! Why ain't this stupid thing workin'?!" Joey said in despair. He shook a few times. "Disc, go! Disc awaken! Open Sesame Disc! DO SOMETHIN'!"

The Disc Remained lifeless. One of Joey's cards fell out of the little cardholder.

Rare Hunter's disc began to shoot out money and precious gems. "Cool! It entered 'Super Bonus Mode'!"

Joey started swearing and shaking his DuelDisc violently. It gave him an electric shock, but other than that did nothing.

Rare Hunter yawned. His DuelDisc was, seemingly on its own, carving him a small cat statue from a chunk of marble (Which it had produced from nowhere). "Man, these DuelDiscs are EXODIA."

Joey threw his on the ground and started jumping up and down on it. It did not seem to notice or care.

Rare Hunter looked away from his DuelDisc, which was preparing him a nice turkey sandwich. "Do you not know how to work these things? They're super easy."

"THEN COULD YOU TELL ME?!"

"Oh, no. They're way to hard to explain."

"…What? You just SAID that they were EASY to work!"

"Oh, I wouldn't have said that. It doesn't make any sense, given how unbelievably Exodia they are."

"… Yeah. Okay. I guess. They ARE hard to work…"

"HARD?!" Rare Hunter said, struggling to contain his laughter. The other two guys with him started chuckling. "I mean… HARD?! They're so simple! I mean Bruno here has a little nephew who's… what, five?"

"Four." Bruno said.

"FOUR years old, and HE knows how to work it! It's SOOOOOOOOO Exodia!"

"Then tell me how!" Joey broke in.

"Oh, no way. It's way too hard to explain."

"YEEEEEARRRRRRRRGGGGGGHHHHHHH!" Joey screamed, tearing his hair out by the roots.

Rare Hunter sighed indulgently and pulled a cell phone out of his cloak. "Here, call the company hotline."

"Hey, thanks! You ain't so bad for a total lunatic," Joey dialed in the number on the portable phone.

"Welcome to the KaibaCorp. tech support hotline. To buy a million dollars of KaibaCorp. products, press 1. To get support for a product you already own and would like to buy a million more of, press 2." Joey waited, but those were the only two choices. He pressed two.

"Cool. We are now hunting down your bank account and emptying it. And yes, Joey Wheeler, we DO know who you are. Now, which product are you having trouble with? Wait, wait, never mind, I already know it's the DuelDisc. And it's not broken, is it, Joey? No, you're just too STUPID to figure it out. We sold MILLIONS of those things, and everyone else who bought them can use them. Some people bought them and gave them to their kids, and the KIDS know how to use them, really LITTLE kids, babies practically. The little BABIES can figure out the DuelDisc, can make it do ACROBATICS, practically, and YOU can't figure it out, can you? I thought not." The recording said condescendingly.

"… okay, so how DOES it work?"

"Oh, I couldn't explain that. It's far, far too complex and intricate. It may be the single most incredibly difficult piece of machinery to work in the entire world! I'm going to have to patch you in directly to Mr. Kaiba."

"What… but… what… you… you… you… YOU JUST SAID IT WAS EASY?!"

"Oh, it IS!"

"THEN WHY CAN'T I USE IT?!"

"You can't use it? But it's so simple! I mean, BABIES can use that thing! Even I can use it, and I'm just a recording! It's CHILD'S-PLAY! It's the ultimate statement of easiness! It's…"

"Oh, just put Kaiba on."

A few minutes of elevator music, and then: "Alright, what do you want? I was just having my DuelDisc fix me dinner."

"Yeah, about that, Kaiba…"

"WHEELER?! Well, in that case, you can just go #$()#& yourself." Kaiba said, and hung up.

Joey sighed and dialed Kaiba's number again. "Kaiba residence, Mokuba speaking,"

"Hey, Mokuba. I need to talk to your brutha about somethin'. Can ya put him on?"

"Oh, hey Joey. Nothing personal, but Seto absolutely loathes you. He doesn't really want to talk to you. Ever."

"I know dat, but I need his help to get my DuelDisc workin'!"

"Oh, is it broken?"

"No, I just can't figure out how to work it."

"::Snicker, Snort:: Y-you can't figure out how to work it?" Mokuba said incredulously, struggling to keep the amusement out of his voice. "But… it's so EASY. A BABY could work it. A BLIND MONKEY could work it. A **DEAD **monkey could work it! Listen, you hear those beeps? I'm making it do my homework right now!"

"Alright, tell ME how to work it."

"Oh, no way. That thing is so hard to operate… I'd tell you wrong. No, only Seto can help you."

"THEN PUT HIM ON!"

"Okay, okay… **SETOOOOOOOOOOO! PHONE!**" Mokuba roared, his mouth still to the phone. "**IT'S JOEY WHEELER! WHAT?! TELL HIM TO WHAT?! DON'T TALK WITH YOUR MOUTH FULL, I CAN'T HEAR YOU! OH, OKAY! **Seto said to tell you to go #$()#& yourself. Bye!" Mokuba said cheerfully, hanging up.

Joey growled in frustration, punching in the number yet again. This time an answering machine picked up: "Hello, this is the Kaiba Residence. I am far too important to speak to you in person, so please leave a message and I'll think about responding sometime before you die. Unless this is Wheeler, in which case you can go #$()#& yourself, you idiotic mutt. ::BEEP!::"

"Yeah, Kaiba, dis IS me, and I got one thing ta say. You either pick up that phone right now or I'm comin' to your house and I'm gonna sing every song I know right underneath your bedroom window."

"::CLICK!:: Alright, alright, you don't have to threaten me! What do you want, Chihuahua?"

"I need some help wit yer DuelDisc,"

"Let me guess: You broke it? Probably dropped it under a bus or some crap like that, and now it's in ten pieces and you're wondering why it won't work. I swear, if it weren't for your poultry friends and their hearty bribes and death threats, I would NEVER allow a little loser like to you to sully my OKYKHSHTHNEECBAHFS$BTHDWTLAMAH#SIHWH$B tournament!"

"Listen, me bein' in yer… okey… nokey…bshteh… … in Battle City, will only make it BETTER! Ya need someone with class in such an event, after all!"

"Maybe you're right. After all, DOGS do give things such a nice 'homey' feeling. Now, how did you break the disc?"

"I didn't break it! It jus' doesn't WORK!"

"You mean you… hee, hee… can't figure it out? But it's so simple! I mean, I tested it with REAL dogs, and THEY could figure it out. I tested it with babies, babies who weren't even BORN yet, and they could work it from INSIDE THE WOMB. It's the easiest-to-use piece of technology on the planet!"

"THEN TELL ME HOW TO WORK IT!!!"

"Okay, I'll try. It won't be easy though. Those things are SUPREMELY hard to activate."

"I… but… I… God, I hate you."

"Okay… have you turned it on?"

"Yep."

"Have you put it on your arm?"

"Yep."

"Have you disabled the Wheeler-Lock?"

"Ye… the what?!"

"The circuitry in all KaibaCorp. products that prevent you, specifically, from using them."

"You mean you PROGRAM everything your company makes… not to let me use it?"

"Well, yeah. Of course I do."

"WHY?!"

"Because your UN-happiness is my happiness. Your suffering causes me joy." Kaiba said, like it was the most obvious thing in the world.

"Um… okay… as long as you have a reason, I guess. How do I turn OFF the 'Wheeler-Lock'?"

"How should I know? I've never WANTED to turn it off. That would make you happy, which would make me less happy. But, since you have access to the chicken mafia, I will try to walk you through it. Do you have a welding torch?"

"Yep, right here in my pocket!"

Silence.

"What? You never know when you're gonna have to weld somethin'."

"… Sure. Okay, cut a five by five square just below the battery casing…"

Three Hours Later…

"…Now, tighten the laser to a three millimeter beam STRAIGHT DOWN. STRAIGHT, you hear me?!"

Joey, drenched in sweat, said, "Yeah." The laser cut straight down, searing through the metal.

"If you're off by even a millimeter, you'll detonate the fusion core and ignite the entire atmosphere! We'll all be killed!"

"I got ya," _Come on, come on, come on… _Finally the bomb beeped, defused. Joey let out the breath he hadn't even realized he'd been holding. "It's done. I defused da bomb,"

"YES!"

"… wait, weren't we supposed to be turning off the Wheeler-Lock on my DuelDisc?"

"… … … I don't have to answer that."

"DAMMIT!"

"Okay... to do that, you just hit the 'Wheeler Switch'. It's on the bottom of the Disc. Okay, now you can go #$ yourself. Bye."

Joey hung up the phone and flipped the DuelDisc over. On the bottom was a switch with a picture of him. _Oh, you've got to be kidding. _He thought. He flipped it from 'On' to 'Off'. The Disc activated.

"ALL RIIIIIIIIIGHT! I'm ready ta rock!"

Rare Hunter, who had fallen asleep, shook himself awake. "zzzzz… hmm? Exodia? OH! You're FINALLY ready to go!"

"My discie thing works!" Joey said proudly.

"Then draw your cards and prepare to EXODIA!"

* * *

_-YUGIIIIIIII! PLEASE, PLEASE WAKE UP! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, WE'RE GONNA MISS THE DUELING!-_

_zzzzzzz… zzzzzz… nice bagel… don't run away… I just want to cover you in cream cheese and eat you… come back… zzzzzzzzz…_

_-YUGIIIIIIIIIIIII!- _

* * *

"As the Exodia, I shall take the first Exodia!" Rare Hunter began. "I now begin the duel with the most dangerous Exodia conceivable: I lay one Exodia in defense mode."

"Alright, I play da Panther Warrior…"

"HA! YOU HAVE BARELY BEGUN, YET ALREADY YOU BEGIN TO FALL FOR MY SECRET PLAN TO DESTROY YOU WITH EXODIAAAAAAA! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" Rare Hunter screamed.

"… … …um, sure. I'll… attack?" the large panther creature leapt forward and hit Rare Hunter's monster, splitting it in half.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! MY MONSTER HAS BEEN BROKEN! NOW, UNLESS I DRAW ANOTHER MONSTER, I SHALL HAVE **NO **HOPE OF GATHERING ALL FIVE PIECES OF THE MIIIIIIGHTY EXODIA IN ORDER TO DESTROY THEE LIKE THE WEAKLING THOU ART!" Rare Hunter shouted in fear and shock. He drew. "AH-HA! FORTUNE HAS SMILED UPON ME! I HAVE DRAWNETH A MONSTER, A BEAST OF GREAT POWER AND SKILL, WHICH I SHALT USE TO DEFEND MY LIFE POINTS UNTIL I MAY SUMMON **EXODIAAA! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!**"

_This is so easy! _Joey thought. _All he does is defend! Unless he has some plan, like summoning Exodia (Which I sincerely doubt), I'm gonna crush him! _"Now, I play Alligatah Sword…"

"HAHAHAHA! WITH EACH AND EVERY ONE OF YOUR PITIFUL MOVES, YOU FALL DEEPER AND DEEPER INTO MY DEVASTATING EXODIA-TRAP! WITH MERELY A FEW MORE MOVES, I SHALL CRUSH THEE WITH EXOOOOOOODIAAAAAAA!"

"… any time you wanna stop doin' that, it'd be cool."

"…Exodia?"

"Never mind." Joey's monsters attacked, the first one killing Rare Hunter's monster and the second smacking him in the face. His life points dropped to 2500.

"NOOOOOOOOOOO-"

"DON'T! Do NOT scream your move, do not narrate your thoughts, and do NOT give me a play-by-play of something I've already seen! JUST. MOVE." Joey said, finally snapping.

"Oh, Exodia. No need to Exodia so snippy. I play Graceful Charity, draw three cards, and lay a monster in defense mode. Your Exodia."

Joey drew, and the card he drew was not just any card. No, this card was large, and imposing, and powerful! A card of such force and fury that no monster anywhere, ever, could possibly, conceivably fight it and hope to triumph. It was vicious and powerful and dangerous and quite neat-looking, frankly. It was: "I play my Red-Eyes Black Dreegen!" The… er… 'dreegen' burst into being, firing a large, flaming bolt at Rare Hunter's monster, killing it stone-dead. "OHHHHHH Yeah! I rock, and my dreegen rocks, and WE rock togeddeh, and you suck! There's no way ya can win now!"

"I play Exodia."

"Oh, #$(&." Joey said.

The very, very large Egyptian-looking thing came up and just totally mangled Joey. _Oh, man… I never saw that comin'! Exodia! There were no clues or hints of what he was doin'! His strategy was kept a total secret throughout the entire match! He is truly a master of deception! "_I… I have no choice but to surrender, willingly and with no resistance, my Red-Eyes Black Dreegen."

"Oh, so you won't hand it over, eh?" Rare Hunter sneered.

"… … … no, I will."

"BRUNO! BUBBA! Beat him senseless with pipes and take it!"

WHACK!

"Hehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehe."

* * *

_-Well, waaaaay to go, Yugi. We missed the duel, I can tell. Brilliant.- _

_Nooooo! Mommy, help me! The bagels have grown teeth! Heeeeeeelp!_

* * *

In her hospital room, her surgery several hours behind schedule, Serenity Wheeler sat, a vicious scowl on her face. "He. Is. Dead." She said, for maybe the fiftieth time that night. Nobody else was in the room; they were all afraid to come in. So she sat there, alone, and every twenty minutes or so she would just repeat the same three words in a voice that did not seem at all appropriate for the normally cheerful teenager.

Joey was going to learn the hard way that card games are NOT the be-all and end-all of the universe.

"He. Is. DEAD."

* * *

Deep under the surface of the Pacific Ocean, between the island of Japan and another, smaller island, a sinister intellect laid in wait.

"Is THAT Seto?" Noah asked. His bloodshot eyes had glazed over and acquired a distinctly deranged cast to them; possibly as a result of spending several days watching the radar screen without sleeping. A thin line of spittle dribbled down the left side of his mouth.

"No, sir. That is a seagull. AGAIN." The computer said. If it was possible, the computer sounded exhausted.

"DAMMIT! Is THAT Seto?"

"Same seagull."

"DAMMIT! Is THAT…"

"Seagull."

"DAMMIT! Hey… maybe if we CATCH these seagulls, we can rope them together, and launch them back to the mainland carrying a message telling Seto to come and fall into my trap!"

"Sir, you're virtual. You have no means of catching seagulls, and no body with which to rope them together. Also, I sincerely doubt that Seto Kaiba would COME if you told him there was a trap here."

"… … … Point taken. Oh, is THAT Seto?"

"Same. Bloody. Seagull."


	10. Chapter Eight

Chapter 8: Y'know insanity? It doesn't just go away.

"Gentlemen! I have finished my dark plan to crush the pharaoh! Soon, striking forth from this fortress of darkness, I shall consume all the world and reign forever as the eternal god-king!" Malik roared grandiosely.

"Sir, I'm the only one here. Stop calling me 'gentlemen'. And this isn't a fortress of darkness. It's a hotel room." Odion said, with a long-suffering sigh.

"Ah, but I have desecrated this place of sanctuary with black, foul rituals to turn it into an OUTPOST OF DESPAIR!"

"… What?"

"I didn't pay for it."

"Ah. Naturally. So we're criminals now?"

"We are, perhaps, in a strictly hypothetical sense, using this room in a manner that could be, under certain circumstances, considered 'illegal', yes."

"So yes, we are criminals. And in addition, they could rent this room out to someone else, who could come in at any moment?"

"… I don't have to answer that question."

"… sir, would it have been such a terrible idea to just PAY FOR THE ROOM?!"

"Possibly, but considering I spent all our money on a gold-plated notebook to write down my dark plan to crush the pharaoh, I would have to say 'no'."

"Sir…" Odion growled. "If I had not promised our mother, ON HER DEATHBED, that I wouldn't kill you… For Ra's sake, WHY DID YOU NEED A GOLDEN NOTEBOOK?!"

"Gold-plated."

"WHATEVER!"  
"Well, you don't write down a plan to destroy the pharaoh every day! I needed an appropriate vessel for a scheme of this rarity and complexity!" Malik proclaimed, holding the gold-plated notebook over his head. It gleamed in the flickering hotel lights.

"… Yeah. Sure. Can I at least see the plan?"

"Of course, my disciple." Malik said reverently. "As my brother, ye alone may gaze upon the wonder contained within the notebook,"

Odion opened the notebook. Inside was a single page of writing:

MALIK'S SUPER-GOOD PLAN OF BEATING YAMI:

1. Take puzzle and cards from Yami.

2. Rule world.

3. Use god-like power to get all the cancelled T.V. shows I like put back on the air.

That was all. The rest of the book was filled with sketches of what appeared to be Malik wearing a crown, with labels that said 'King Malik'.

Odion stared at his Master/little brother in disbelief. "That… that's it? That's the whole plan? You wasted all our money on a notebook to write down a three-sentence plan?!"

"Hey, if my plan brings back _Birds of Prey, _it's all worth it."

"_Birds of… _you're the only one who WATCHED that idiotic show! That's why it was cancelled!"

"Hence the need for god-like power,"

_-That show was terrible! It was all about Batman's daughter, and it didn't even have Batman in it!- _Yami Malik thought.

_Oh, what would you know? Your idea of fun is kicking puppies._

_-They make funny sounds! And at least puppies will never be _cancelled_, unlike the crap you watch!-_

_Stop mocking me, spirit, or I swear I shall… _

_-What? You won't DO anything. You never do anything. If I keep making fun of you, you're just going to start crying.- _

_I… I… why do you always gotta be so mean::Sniffle::_

_-Aw, is widdle baby gonna cwy?-_

_N-n-n-no…_

_-Aw, is that lip sticking out? I see the lip!- _Yami Malik crowed triumphantly.

Malik started bawling.

Odion started rubbing his temples to fight off the headache.

Outside the door, a dozen large bikers prepared to enter. "Aw, finally, a fine hotel room." One said.

"That's true. It's astonishing how difficult it is to be a roving biker gang, moving from place to place."

"ESPECIALLY for us, the 'Only Violent When Someone Else Enters our Hotel Room' gang! I mean, we're so nice, unless people are in our hotel rooms, in which case we become vicious monsters!"

"Come to think of it, why IS that? Why does that make us so very, very angry? Angry enough to kill?"

"Why, to set up lame jokes, of course!"

"Well, let's head on in!" the gang proclaimed, opening the door to see a crying Malik and a deeply unhappy Odion.

"KILL!" they roared, unhooking various spiked weapons and charging.

* * *

Kaiba hung up his phone and snarled in disgust. "Wheeler. God, I hate that guy."

_-Do you, Kaiba? Do you really?- _A little voice inside him asked.

_Yes, really. _

_-… oh. Okay. Just making sure. Cause you know, sometimes authors make you a couple, and I thought it would be REALLY funny if you had, like, some pent-up attraction to him.- _

_HA! WHEELER?! He's a loathsome, vile little insect! The thought that I could possibly feel anything other than contempt for him is absolutely ridiculous. _

_-Oh, I know! I wasn't SERIOUS, I just thought it would be funny. I personally think that pairing is an absolute joke. I mean, YOU?! And JOEY?! You two hate each other. I really hate authors like that, who throw together romances that make no sense, basically out of some twisted desire to ensure that the characters THEY think are cute have sex with each other. But I had to ask.- _

_Oh, I understand. _Kaiba answered. _But, by the by, **who are you and how are you talking to my mind**?! _

_-Well, to answer that… you're a geek. You're haircut is older than World War II (Which, by the way, Japan lost because your family made us lousy weapons). Your trenchcoat looks like it's made from old drapes. Your company produces out-of-date junk. And your dueling deck? Crap. You are TOTALLY going to lose at Battle City. Get it now?- _

_All I 'get' is that you hate me._

_-Bingo! You see, I'm your Inner Yugi.- _

_… … huh?_

_-I'm the Yugi inside your own mind. I exist to tell you all the insulting things that the REAL Yugi wants to say to you, but he won't because you're so much bigger and stronger than he is. Speaking of which, your ears stick out and your head looks like a bruised casaba melon.- _

_Wonder-#$&-ful. How do I get rid of you?_

_-Oh, that's the fun part. You see, unlike a Yami or magical spirit, I'm not real. I'm just a product of your insanity and overactive imagination. There's no way to get rid of me because I do not, in fact, exist. Neat, huh? Your teeth are crooked.- _

_So I'm just, like, imagining you? _

_-Totally. You're completely insane. And also, you smell.- _

Mokuba, who had been watching his brother stare into space for several minutes, spoke up. "Seto, you okay?"

Kaiba looked at his little brother with a haunted expression. "I have an Inner Yugi."

_-You SUCK!- _Inner Yugi said.

Mokuba was silent for a few seconds. He then took a small silver cell phone from his pocket. "Hello, Number Three? This is Mokuba. Yeah, Seto had **another** breakdown. Yes, I know he hasn't had one since the Deck incident. I thought he was better too, but now he thinks there's another person in his head. Yeah, I'm president for… oh, let's say, five weeks? That's how long it took that time he thought he was a shrub. Oh, yeah, he's just hearing voices this time, shouldn't be too long. Oh, no reason to cancel Battle City. Yes, I KNOW it's not really called that, but nobody can pronounce the other name. What, it's not like he needs to be sane to participate. Sometimes I think you people forget that all they're actually doing is playing a card game. Okay, see you at the office tomorrow. Bye." He looked at his brother. "Okay, company's taken care of. Time to get you some drugs and therapy."

"Mokuba, I do NOT need more therapy. I got over my last mental breakdown okay."

"That was because losing all your money CAUSED your breakdown. You couldn't have afforded therapy. Now let's go, I think a healthy shot of Prozac will fix you right up!"

"Well, okay… DAMMIT INNER YUGI, SHUT UP!"

"Okay, maybe a couple shots of Prozac."

* * *

"No, Razor, you need to fold it HERE, or it won't look like wings!" Malik said.

"What do… OH! I get it now! Thanks, pal!" Razor said.

Three hundred thousand dollars worth of damage to a hotel room, an entire bar's worth of 'genuine Russian' vodka, and an hour spent running from the police later, Malik and Odion were currently sitting in a holding cell at the local police department with the 'Only Violent When Someone Else Enters our Hotel Room' gang.

Odion was desperately trying to get rid of a vicious migraine that was caused by a combination of a baseball bat to the head and too much time spent with Malik. Malik, on the other hand, was teaching the bikers how to make an origami duck, having seemingly forgotten the fact that this fun little group had attempted to bash their heads in.

"Now, everybody, hold up your ducks! Very, very good! Wow… you guys are… are… you guys are GREAT," Malik was a little woozy from the aforementioned vodka. "You guys, you were all trying to KILL us, and then we all fell out the window… and wasn't that GREAT, T-Bone?!" Malik asked.

"You're a cool little freak, dude." T-Bone said.

"And then we fell into that bar, and there was SOOOOOOOOO much alco…alco… VODKA! HAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" Malik started laughing uproariously.

"Sir, what, pray-tell, is funny?" Odion asked.

"SNAILS! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! But on the other hand, getting arrested sucked, but then we came here, and I was all like 'Y'know what I like? DUCKS!', and you guys were like 'Hey, we like ducks too!'. And then we MADE DUCKS! And, oh my God, snails are HILARIOUS!" he then fell into another giggling fit.

"Sir, have you stopped to consider that we're in jail? In fact, considering the amount of damage we did to various buildings and vehicles… and, er, people… I would have to assume that we will be in jail for quite some time. One would think that NOW would be a good time to say, unleash your incredible powers of darkness? Certainly we cannot win you any god cards if we are serving a life sentence. Making origami ducks doesn't seem to be the best way to spend your time."

"You… Odion, you are SO right! Guys, isn't Odion right?"

"YOU'RE RIGHT, ODION!"

"We are SOOOOOOO gonna get out of here and claim my evil destiny, and we'll devastate things, and conquer things, and claim a whole bunch of power, and … and… and… HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

Odion sighed deeply. "Snails, sir?"

"God, those invertebrates are HILARIOUS!"

_I really, really need to get a new job. _Odion thought.

* * *

"So, what would you say is your problem?" Dr. Vinderschloss asked.

"I've got an imaginary version of my arch-enemy living inside my brain."

_-I hope you DIE! And you know the funny thing? If you died, it wouldn't matter to me because I'm not real! Lord, you suck.- _

"Ah… and you are insane?"

"Completely. In fact, a few months ago I became convinced that the entire world was nothing more than a massive nightmare because my life totally sucked. I tried to kill myself in hopes that it would wake me up. And then I beat someone into a coma for stealing my cards. But that bitch had it coming! They were MY cards, MINE!" Kaiba's eyes narrowed. "YOU wouldn't want to steal my cards, would you?"

"Um… no?"

" 'Cause I'm totally rich. I know it's a cliché, but I actually DO have friends that could make sure you're never heard from again. So DON'T touch my cards."

_-I could steal your cards, and since I'm not real, you couldn't do ANYTHING ABOUT IT! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! I hate you.- _

"… … … … Why do I always get the homicidal ones? Other doctors get people who never throw away their garbage, or people who are afraid of oxygen. Me, I get YOU." Dr. Vinderschloss said sadly.

"If you touch my cards, I will SO much kill you."

"::SIGH::… Alright, do you know what might have caused this? Any childhood traumas?"

"Maybe… can't you just shoot me up with Prozac? That always works."

"Oh, just talk."

"Well, okay… as long as I get some Prozac later." Kaiba said. "It all started when I was a kid…"

Flashback

Gozaburo Kaiba: Dinner time! Mokuba, you get this five-pound steak! Don't eat too fast now.

Mokuba: Yippee! (Eats)

G. Kaiba: And Seto, you get these pig slops. The pigs wouldn't eat them, because they were too disgusting. Now eat, or you won't be done in time for your beating.

Seto: … … when did we get pigs?

G. Kaiba: Since I decided that we needed them to screen your food to make sure it was disgusting enough! As my heir, you need to be constantly unhappy, tired, and in pain.

(Scene: Seto doing his homework, while that creepy butler with the huge head and sunglasses watches)

Creepy Butler: (Poking Seto with sharp stick)

Seto: Dammit, that stick is NOT making this faster!

Creepy Butler: Oh, I know. It's just that your father told me to make sure you did your homework, and I'm a desperately unhappy sadist. So, I poke.

G. Kaiba: Butler, what ARE you doing! You can't poke Seto with a stick!

Seto: THANK YOU! I told him to stop, but…

G. Kaiba: Use this spear instead! That stick isn't sharp enough. After all, my heir has to desperately loathe me!

Creepy Butler: (Pokes Seto with spear) Oh, this is MUCH better.

Seto: _Ow… hate… ow… hate… ow…_

(Scene: Seto's room. Seto is asleep in his bed.)

G. Kaiba: (Enters and pours ice water on Seto's head, leaves)

Seto: (In low, furious growl.) I am SO gonna depose that guy.

End Flashback

"… Is that all?" the doctor asked, mildly afraid.

Kaiba looked innocently up at the ceiling. "Hmmmm… I don't know. Maybe some prozac would jog my memory."

The doctor sighed and jabbed a needle of prozac into Kaiba's arm.

"Ohhhhhh yeah. That's the stuff…" Kaiba sighed.

_-Hey, no faiiiir…- _Inner Yugi said, his voice quickly fading.

"Okey-dokey, I'm feelin' GREAT. Now, if you'll just give me some prozac, I'll be going 'buh-bye-buh-bye',"

"But… I just gave you Prozac,"

"But not enough for me to win my to my OKYKHSHTHNEECBAHFS$BTHDWTLAMAH#SIHWH$B to kill Yugi," Kaiba whined. "Just one more?"

The doctor sighed deeply and shot Kaiba up again.

"THank yOU DOctOR!" Kaiba said, emphasizing syllables completely at random. He then got out of the chair and began to spin in circles until he fell out the window.

Dr. Vinderschloss sighed yet again. "Okay, you can come on in!" he shouted to his next patient. The young man walked in, his eyes wide and bloodshot, filled with a deep, abiding terror.

"Thank you for seeing me, doctor. It's just… my other half… he WON'T STOP SINGING! No matter who I kill or threaten or set on fire, he just NEVER SHUTS UP! OH, DEAR SWEET LORD, MAKE IT **END!**" Evil Bakura roared.

Kaiba walked back in. "Could I possibly have some Prozac?"

"STOP IT! YOU ARE **NOT **A FREAKIN' MAJOR-GENERAL!" Evil Bakura roared.

The Doctor took one needle in each hand and injected one into each patient.

"Hee-HEE!" Kaiba said, falling to the floor and flopping around like a fish.

Evil Bakura's eyes widened. "WHOA!" he said, a huge goofy smile appearing on his face. He then began to hum the tune to 'Modern Major-General'.

Dr. Vinderschloss buried his face in his hands, and despaired the day he ever became a psychologist.

* * *

"Oh, my, that hurts," Malik said. At some point during the night he had fallen asleep on one of the cell cots with his head hanging off the side, and it was in this state he awoke with a number of questions and one hell of a hangover. "Odion? Where are we? What happened last night? Where's the dark fortress of corruption? Why is the world upside down? And why does my head feel like someone drove a railroad spike into it?"

Odion looked down at his Brother/Boss with disapproval. "We're in jail. As for what happened, well, let's just say it wasn't pretty, and that's WHY we're in jail. There WAS no 'dark fortress', it was just a hotel room you didn't pay for. The world isn't upside down." At this point, he lifted Malik's head back into an upright position. "And, finally, you're hungover. Big time. Sir."

"Now, that's impossible. To be hungover, I would have had to be drunk yesterday, and I clearly remember spending the entire day playing checkers with a group of paper ducks and very entertaining snails." Malik replied.

Odion gave him a few seconds to consider what he had just said.

"Alright, so I was drunk." Malik admitted. "I think that it's past time we got out of here! I will now use the DARK POWERS of the MILLENNIUM ROD! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! FREEDOM SHALT BE OURS!" the young evildoer roared.

"They took your rod, sir."

"… … … huh?"

"They took it. I mean, seriously. That thing is basically a big metal club with a knife inside it. You could bash someone's head in AND stab them. They aren't just going to let you keep it…"

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! Not my Millennium ROD! WITHOUT IT, I AM NOTHING! **NOTHING!** OH, CRUEL TWISTS OF FORTUNE AND AGONY! OH FOUL DESTINY THAT STRIKETH MY PLOTS DOWN IN THEIR PRIME! OH DARK HADES, HOW CAN THEE SPIT SUCH MISFORTUNES AT ME! I SAY TO THEE HORATIO…"

"Odion."

"… OH YEAH! WELL, WHATEVER! I HAVE NO ROD, AND WITHOUT SUCH ROD, WE ART STUCK! VERILY!"

"You can stop shouting, now."

"… … … … Verily?"

"Oh, shut up. Sir."

Just then, a guard came in and opened the cell door. "Malik and Odion Ishtar? Some lady just came in an' paid your bail money. You're free to go. Thanks for the paper ducks, by the way. Here's your crazy golden stick."

"Yippee! Odion, we're rockin' on outta here! YEEEEE-HAW! We rock! We roll! ONWARD, TO FREEDOM!" Malik shouted, and sprinted to the exit. He took one step outside… then shrieked, and ran back in. "PUT ME BACK IN JAIL, PLEEEEEEEASE! DON'T LET HER TAKE ME!" he begged the guard.

Odion had a funny feeling what was about to happen, and it was confirmed a few moments later.

Isis, one eyebrow arched over the rim of her shades, walked in. Remarkable how she could look amused and pissed off at the same time.

Malik tried desperately to hide in an empty corner. He kept making small squeaking noises like a frightened infant.

"Well, this isn't good." Odion said.


	11. Chapter Nine

Chapter 9: The Hunt for Joseph! … Wait, do we even really want to find him?

"Alright!" Yugi said forcefully to Tea and Tristan, pointing at a map of Domino with a stick. "Here's what we know so far:

1. Joey was supposed to meet his sister yesterday.

2. He did NOT.

3. He might be dead.

4. He has been missing for about twelve hours, and nobody knows where he is.

5. Come to think of it, he probably IS dead. No big.

6. If he's NOT dead, we should find him. If he is dead, we should find his corpse. And, y'know, bury it.

"HERE," Yugi said, motioning with his stick, "Is the route Joey would most likely take from his house to the hospital." Yugi traced the path with from Joey's house (which was circled in red) to the hospital (Which was covered in black scribbles). "This black mark is to illustrate the vortex of black, foul, reality-warping evil energy that has sprung up over the hospital, likely due to Serenity (Who can be awfully scary sometimes) losing her temper over Joey's idiocy. So troops, our mission is to find Joey, or proof of his death, and deliver he/it to Serenity before she consumes the Earth. Any questions?"

Tea raised her hand. "Who am I again?"

"Tea."

"OH, YEAH! MY NAME IS TEA! I JUST LOOOOOOOOVE MY NAME!"

"Anything else?"

Tristan raised his hand.

"NO, we are NOT going to poke anything with a stick!"

Tristan lowered his hand.

"Okay, Tea… Tea? TEA::SIGH::… you, the girl."

"OH! MY NAME IS…"

"You search all the main streets. Tristan, you search all of Joey's favorite places to hide from impending doom. I'll look at his house again. Fall out, troops!"

Three long, wasted hours later…

"WHERE… THE… HELL… IS HE?!" Yugi roared.

"Who?" Tea asked.

"JOEY!"

"Oh, I'm sorry! That squirrel must have distracted me so much I forgot to even look! Tee hee!"

"… … … … ah. Tristan, any results?"

"Oh, yes! I have succeeded to a degree previously thought to be impossible, even to me!" Tristan said proudly.

"You mean you found Joey?"

"Oh, no."

"… … … … … … … … … You do, of course, realize we were LOOKING FOR JOEY, YOU MORON?!"

_-Let me kill him!- _Yami begged. -_Please, PLEASE let me kill him!- _

"Oh, I know, but instead I built this robot!" Tristan said proudly, as a mechanical creature that looked like a rounded garbage can with wheels trundled up next to him. "I have named it TristanBot X-12!" he said, crossing his arms and smirking arrogantly.

"… you built a robot."

"Yup."

"Instead of doing what you were supposed to do, you built a robot."

"Yup."

"And you don't see the problem with this?"

"Nope. And neither will you when you hear what this robot can do!" Tristan proclaimed.

"I… I… alright, I'll bite. What does your robot…"

"TristanBot X-12."

"… what does TristanBot X-12 do?"

"TristanBot X-12 has been programmed to do one thing, and one thing ONLY! He will sweep the entire town one block at a time, searching desperately for any hint of Joey until…"

Just then, TristanBot X-12 opened its lid and shot a clear stream of liquid into Yugi's face.

"AHHHHH! AHHHH! OH, SWEET JESUS IT BURNS MY EYES! AHHHHHH!" Yugi screamed, rolling around clutching his face in agony.

"Oh… I forgot it also has a cannon that shoots rubbing alcohol. I thought that was kinda cool."

"Oh, it IS!" Tea chirped. "I just LOOOOOOOOOOOVE liquid cannons!"

"OH LORD IT HUUUUUUURTS!"

_-NOW can I kill him? Please?-_

_

* * *

_"Y'know, it's kinda funny. Just when you think 'Hey, my little brother isn't so bad. I think I'll forgive him!', you get a phone telling you that HE'S IN JAIL AND HE'S A MORON AND HE'S NOT AS BAD YOU THOUGHT HE WAS, HE'S **WORSE!**" Isis roared. "Does that about cover it?" 

"I'msorryI'msorryI'msorryI'msorryI'msorryI'msorryI'msorryI'msorry I'msorryI'msorryI'msorryI'msorryI'msorryI'msorryI'msorryI'msorry…" Malik whimpered, trying to squeeze himself through the floor.

"Sorry? SORRY? **SORRY**?! Not as sorry as you WILL be, you vile, evil little worm. You've dragged the family name through the mud for the LAST TIME! Honestly, why do you think it is that nobody ever invites us to dinner parties? It's because YOU always steal their souls! Why our friends never invite us to casual get-togethers? Because we don't HAVE any friends because you STABBED all our friends with your freakin' rod-knife! You…"

"Now, lady Isis, your brother may not be PERFECT but…" Odion began.

"You probably want to shut up before I think about how YOU have disgraced the family."

"Shutting up now."

"Now, little brother… wait, where was I?"

"Nobody likes us because I'm so evil," Malik said helpfully.

"Oh, yes, thank you. You're a horrible little human being, and it is past time you suffered for your horrible transgression! NOW YOU PAY, INSECT!" And with that, Isis stepped forward, raised her hand menacingly… and kinda slapped Malik on the wrist.

"That's… that's IT?!" Odion asked in disbelief. "But you didn't even DO anything!"

"Yeah, I know. But what can I say? I'm already late for my facial, and I just didn't set aside the time I'd need to destroy you today! Ironic, considering that I saw this coming three weeks ago." And with that, she left.

Malik looked down at his wrist, which was turning a little red. "Ow?"

"Um… well, what do we do now?" Odion asked, apparently still not exactly sure what had just happened.

"Thank God?"

* * *

Joey, sore, broken, and bleeding, let out a low groan. With some effort, he managed to pull his damaged head off the concrete and open his eyes. His eyes shot open, then blinked rapidly as he tried to comprehend exactly what he was seeing.

"A trashcan? With wheels?"

_"_Joey found! Joey found!" TristanBot X-12 said.

"Were you looking for me? Are you some kinda help robot?"

"Joey found! Joey found!"

"Um… 'kay… could you go get me a doctor or somethin'?"

"Joey found! Joey found!"

"… what kinda crap robot are you?! Don't you DO anything?"

TristanBot X-12 fell silent for a few minutes as it processed this question. Then it opened up its lid and shot Joey in the face with its alcohol cannon.

"OH, SWEET JESUS IT BURNS! OH, IT GOT IN MY BEATIN' WOUNDS AND IT STINGS SO BAD!"

Beeping happily, the little robot wandered off. Then, demonstrating the incredible genius that Tristan's programming was capable of, it got hit by a truck.

"You deserved that, ya little #$&)(#$. Well, I better get to da hospital before Serenity shows up to finish me off." Joey said, and started dragging himself to the hospital with his teeth.

_

* * *

_Yami cleared his throat. "Alright, let's go over our new information. Since a three-hour search has produced no results, we can assume that Joey has apparently developed some sort of superhuman cloaking field which prevents us from finding him. Thus, the only way for us to locate him is for ME to use my dark Egyptian magic to locate him. Now, to be fair, I don't really KNOW any magic that would do that, but I figure that sacrificing Tristan couldn't hurt, so any objections?" 

"Oh, I just LOOOOOOOOOOOVE dark human-sacrifice rituals!" Tea squealed.

"**I **object!" Tristan shrieked from the dark altar that Yami had chained him to for the dark ritual.

"Tristan, Tristan, Tristan… you have to understand. Plan: Look has failed. Plan: Robot has failed. The thought that Joey could conceivably be somewhere that we didn't look on our first try is beyond ridiculous. Therefore, our only choice is to use you as a human sacrifice to power a foul black magic. It's LOGIC. Plus, we have to consider that I hate you. That's important! And Tea agrees with me, so that makes the vote two-to-one. You lose."

"Just remember that friendship is very important for human sacrifice! You should be smiling." Tea advised cheerfully.

"Oh, don't worry about him. I'm smiling enough for both of us," Yami said, smirking wickedly.

"BUT I DON'T WANNA DIE!"

Yami shrugged. "You probably should have thought of that before I… well, now that I think about it, you really didn't have a part in this decision. Sucks to be you. Tea, my Sacrificial Dagger of Dark Magic!"

Tea giggled and handed Yami a kitchen knife that had 'Sacrificin' Knife' written on the handle.

Yami raised the knife menacingly and said "Don't worry, it only hurts until you die."

Suddenly, just then, out of the blue, the door burst open! A shadowy figure appeared in the door and fired its weapon into Yami's face, knocking him away from Tristan.

"OH RA IT FREAKIN' BURNS! OH, THIS #(&# SUCKS!" Yami screamed, trying to get the alcohol out of his eyes.

"TristanBot X-12! You came back to save me!" Tristan gleefully shouted.

"Joey Found! Joey found!" the badly mangled but obviously still functioning robot said.

"Really? That's great! Untie me so we can go find him!"

"Joey found! Joey found!"

"Um… okay? Could you untie me, please?"

TristanBot X-12 beeped a few times… then shot Tristan in the face with its alcohol cannon and trundled off.

"OW! THAT'S A BAD ROBOT! OH LORD IT'S BURNING MY EYES!"

Tea, meanwhile, was trying to make friends with a spider.

_

* * *

_Joey staggered through the hospital doors and into a war zone. 

All the furniture of the lobby was piled against the entrance to the patient's ward, behind which a sickly gray light was violently pulsing. All the surviving nurses had piled shattered furniture against the door and were desperately shoving against it. Coming from somewhere off in the mists of the catastrophe, voices could be heard screaming:

"Oh, the horror! THE HORROR!"

"WHERE IS MY LEG?!"

"… … … … has anybody seen my contact lens?"

**"JOEY! WHERE ARE YOU, YOU DESPICABLE BASTARD?! I AM GOING TO DESTROY YOU!**" shouted a vicious, demonic voice that echoed throughout the entire building.

**"**Serenity, PLEASE calm down! Joey will come, I swear!" Mrs. Wheeler said from her position holding the door closed with the nurses.

"Mom? What's goin' on?"

Mrs. Wheeler, a dark, haunted look in her eyes, turned towards her son. "JOEY?! Oh, thank god! Serenity, your brother's here! Please, kill him and spare the rest of us!"

"Hey!" Joey protested.

"Sorry, twerpo. There comes a time in every mother's life when she has to sacrifice one of her children to save herself. Nothing personal." And with that, Mrs. Wheeler grabbed her son by the collar and threw him in to face his sister.

"**JOEYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!**" Serenity roared.

"Now, sis, I can explain…"

"**YOU HAD BETTER!**"

"I was on my way here, really runnin' too, like sprintin', and then I ran into some punks and they forced me­­­­–against my will, mind you!– into a duel and…"

"A duel?"

"Yup."

"They forced you into a duel."

"Yup."

"Joey, for YOUR sake you had better mean 'pistols at dawn', because if you are trying to tell me that you missed my eye surgery to play cards, you might as well shove your head into a meat grinder right now."

"I… um… well…"

"You DID. You missed my SURGERY, my VITALLY IMPORTANT AND PERSONALLY TERRIFYING SURGERY, to play **#(& CARDS!**"

"Um… oh… oh hell… ALRIGHT, I was so amazed by how… how cool you are!… that I forgot what actually happened to me! First, I was running here…"

Half an hour later…

"… and that's how I defeated Godzilla!" Joey finished. "And that's why I was late! Really!"

"I don't know… how did you get away from the aliens?" Serenity asked doubtfully.

"I showed them a picture of YOU, and your beauty and grace and 'INCREDIBLE NEVER-KILL-YOUR-BROTHER QUALITY' made theirheads explode. With how cool you are."

"What about…"

"He died. From being too close to ME, because I'm an unworthy piece of trash for being late to your surgery for ANY reason, even one as pressing and unavoidable as the one I have which is completely truthful."

"Weeeeeeeeeeeell… I GUESS with all that stuff, I can maybe forgive you. This time. Maybe."

"Please, PLEASE show moicy! I'll do anyting! I'll stop talkin' in my inexplicable Brooklyn accent dat I have but none of my friends or family do! I would even give up my rarest card, the red-eyes black dreegen… wait, I lost that to those guys on the way here." Joey remembered. Then his eyes widened as he realized exactly what he had just done. "Oh, #$."

"Lost it HOW, Joey?" Serenity asked in a cold, dead voice.

"… … … … … … … … would you believe Godzilla took it?"

"You… STUPID… little…" She growled.

Joey spun on his heel, jumped out the nearest window, and hit the ground running.

_

* * *

-You know, Bakura, we really haven't done much at all for a while. Maybe we should get out more?-_ Evil Bakura thought from inside the Millennium Ring. 

_I could sing!_ Bakura suggested brightly.

_-No, that joke isn't funny anymore. Besides, you've already spent a couple chapters singing that idiotic Gilbert and Sullivan song. We need to do something new, and DARING! It's been far too long since we've really gotten out and done EVIL! We'll teach that two-bit loser of an author to ignore US!-_

Just then, Yami ran by chasing Tristan with the sacrificin' knife. Malik and Odion were on the other side of the street, trying to hotwire a car so they could try to get away from Isis before she decided to fit in their horrible deaths between her appointments. Not ten seconds later, Joey sprinted past, chased by a homicidal Serenity (Who appeared to be both flying AND glowing).

_-… … on the other hand, maybe we should just be happy the author can't think of anything to do with us.- _

Just then, Bakura felt something tug on his pant leg, and he looked down… right in time for TristanBot X-12 to shoot him in the face with its alcohol cannon.

"OH, BLOODY HELL!"


	12. Chapter Ten

Chapter 10: At long last, OKYKHSHTHNEECBAHFS$BTHDWTLAMAH#SIHWH$B begins!

The day of Seto Kaiba's tournament (The name of which was still open to debate) dawned, bright and pretty indeed. From their various places around town, Yugi (And Yami!), a badly-bruised Joey, Kaiba (And Inner Yugi), Bakura and Evil Bakura, and both of Malik looked out their windows into the absolutely perfect day. All... all... come to think of it, how many of them are there? Do you really count disembodied spirits as people? And certainly, you don't count Inner Yugi, who isn't real! Well, there are at least five of them. And, in a probability shattering concordance of thought and action, all five real people and various spirits and hallucinations were having the EXACT same thought.

_Nothing good could POSSIBLY happen today. _

Oh, wait. Inner Yugi was actually insulting Kaiba's pants. Sorry.

* * *

In the Domino city branch headquarters of Evil Anonymous, the Dark, Foul, Evil Sorceress of Chaos and Destruction™ chuckled softly. Gazing at her evil viewing mirror, she watched as Yami, the most-hated-not-payer-backer-of-money, got his deck and equipment ready for OKYKHSHTHNEECBAHFS$BTHDWTLAMAH#SIHWH$B.

Oh, she would get her revenge. In fact, since coming to Evil Anonymous, she seemed to have actually gotten MORE evil. Why, the other day she had found a candy bar lying in the lobby, and she had eaten it without even asking if it belonged to anyone. And just yesterday she had shaved a cat. She was at least twice as evil as she'd been before!

Looking through her book of evil curses, she carefully selected the most horrible and vicious curse that she could find. Unfortunately, that was the 'Game Over' curse, which didn't work on anyone who had broken it once. And since her book of evil curses had been bought for $1.50 at a garage sale (It had seemed like such a good bargain!), most of the others weren't particularly good. She didn't think Yami would be terribly hurt by a curse that turned all the BLACK licorice he touched into RED licorice. And even worse, the one that made it so that whenever he stepped on a bug, it would increase the probability of rain the next day by .000005 percent.

"Blast it all, these curses suck! Who would possibly want to use these?! Turns Skippy™ peanut butter into Jiff™ peanut butter?! Makes toast slightly less toasted?! Oh, for the love of Ra..." Finally, she just picked one. It wasn't the BEST curse in the world, but it beat out the others. Who knew, maybe it would kill him! Stranger things had happened. Gazing at the image in her evil viewing mirror, she began a harsh Egyptian chant until...

A loud knocking startled her out of her spell. The magic, totally knocked off kilter, flew out randomly into the world.

"Hello? Dark, Foul, Evil Sorceress of Chaos and Destruction™? We're having a s'more roast, so come down to the kitchen if you want some! See ya there!" Her Evil Counselor said cheerfully, before wandering off whistling.

_Ohhhhhhh, no. _She thought desperately. _Why'd that idiot have to come in THEN?! That curse... I didn't get to tell it where to go! It wasn't a GREAT curse, but still... I wonder who it'll hit?_

* * *

Bakura walked along, happily. It was a happy day, and he was about to be in a happy tournament. And just that morning, somebody had mailed him a delightful present! Granted, he hadn't really WANTED a 5,000 pound stone coffin with hieroglyphics on it, but he was happy for the present. And so it was that he was singing a happy little song to himself as he walked on to be in the happy tournament.

"Oh, happy days are here again, the sky above is clear again, let's sing a song of cheer again, happy OH ME OH MY OH BLOODY HELL OH FALOOOZA!" he shouted, as a wave of cold ran suddenly down his entire body.

-_I don't think those are the words to that song. And I don't think 'faloooza' is a word, period. And you suck.- _Evil Bakura pointed out helpfully.

_I... feel so weird... Like someone poured about a pound of ice down my shirt. How... odd. _

_-Oh, it was probably just you sucking. Nothing big.-_

_... ... ... ... I do NOT suck._

_-I'm sorry, I can't hear it when people who SUCK talk to me.-_

Bakura sighed in ongoing frustration, set off on his way once more... and tripped over his shoelace, which had come untied.

* * *

In his blimp, Seto Kaiba stared out at the city of Domino. "Ahhhhhh... Smell that, Mokuba?"

"... Smell what?"

"The VICTORY. I smell a LOT of victory in the air. Victory for me! Finally, at long last, my OKYKHSHTHNEECBAHFS$BTHDWTLAMAH#SIHWH$B has truly begun, and I can step into the victory buffet, taking from it the pasta and clams of victory, and victory juice, and a delicious slice of CHOCOLATE VICTORY CAKE! OPEN THE SCREEN, LIEUTENANT MOKUBA!"

"Um... yeah. Sure," Mokuba said, turning on the blimp's video screen so Kaiba could talk to the tournament.

"AHEM?"

"... Sure, GENERAL."

"Better. Now, where's my microphone... ah. GOOOOOOOD MORNING, DOMINOOOOOOO!" He bellowed.

Far below, on the streets of Domino, millions of people fell to the ground clutching their ears as Kaiba's blimp screen blasted his screaming speech at earsplitting levels. Glass shattered, cars exploded.

"Oh, man, I'm sorry. The volume was up too high. Everyone okay?"

"... ... ... ...HUH?" The deafened city asked.

"Okay, sure. In any case, there are just a few extra rules to announce before the tournament... DAMMIT, INNER YUGI, SHUT UP! Okay, first of all... anyone heard saying the words 'Battle City' by a tournament official will be shot like a dog... NO! Okay, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, put the bat down, Mokuba! Okay, you need to win what I have termed 'Locator Cards'. These are cards that locate things. SHUT THE #(& UP, INNER YUGI! THEY'RE PLENTY ORIGINAL! Second... heck, I've already told you everything else. Oh, and I'll be competing... so you all might as well give up right now. I will mess y'all up. I freakin' rock! OH, FOR GOD'S... I DO SO ROCK, INNER YUGI! Alright, that's it..." and with that, Kaiba reached into his pocket, pulled out a needle of prozac, and injected it into his neck. "Hee, hee, hee, hee... oh, and thhehe other rule is flibbity flobbity FLOO. Hee, hee... take it away, Steve!"

"Seto, my name isn't... oh, whatever. Just... just go play cards. You people are all losers anyway." Mokuba said sadly, shutting the screen off.

"You reeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeally shouldn't be so negative, Steve. It'll make you turn purple." Seto informed him.

"... Dammit, I JUST HAD my Seto Bat, and I set it down for five seconds, and now it's gone! Why is it always like that when you really need something?" Mokuba asked no one in particular.

* * *

Joseph H. (H for H) Wheeler the First was a man on a mission. Somewhere, hidden in the depths of the labyrinth of Domino, was the man who had wronged him. The man who had stolen his Red-Eyes Black Dreegen... Dragon. The man who had beaten him with pipes for essentially no reason. And the man who had made him late for his appointment with Serenity and almost gotten him KILLED. Oh, Joey would FIND him. And then Joey would engage him in a dangerous, horrific duel to the finish for the right to the Red-Eyes Black Dreegen... er, Dragon. And, oh yes, he would TRIUMPH, tramping the fool down into the dirt. It wasn't as though the guy had EXODIA, or anything crazy like that.

Joey had a rather short-term memory.

But right now, his problem was that he couldn't FIND the guy. He could be anywhere, and Joey didn't know how to find him. Looking, obviously, did not rate very high as an option in Joey's circle of friends. So he simply stood in one spot and asked OTHER people if they'd seen him.

"Have you seen a guy who looks really creepy and replaces random woids wit' 'Exodia'?"

"Why, yes! He's right over..."

"Aw, yer useless! Next!"

Joey, obviously, was no Sherlock Holmes. But, apparently, sheer tenacity counts for something. Because the 438th person he shook down for info was none other than the Rare Hunter himself, who had been eating at a café about a block away.

"Well, well, Exodia... if it isn't little mister Wheeler! Lost any Exodias lately?"

"Fer the luvva... stop TALKIN' like that! You don't make any freakin' sense!"

"... ... Exodia?"

"Yeah, like that! Now, are we gonna play cards or not?"

"HA! Of course not! I have already taken your Exodia card! Exodia!"

"... ... ... ... ..."

"BUT YOU HAVEN'T TAKEN **MINE**!" A deep, dramatic voice said.

The crowd magically parted, as Yami entered the scene. "Ah... so YOU are one of the Rare Hunters, servant of the Dark Presence that... um... ... did something... to Bandit Keith! ... Have you told your new boss she's a lousy villain?"

"SHHHHHHH! Don't TALK about her! She can hear you with her evil ears!"

"... ... And do what? Kick us in the shins?"

"Maybe even WORSE!"

-_YUUUUUUUUUUUGI! HE'S RUINING THE DRAMA!- _Yami whined.

_Um... change the subject! Go back to the cards! Everyone loves card games!_

"Okay, enough on that! WE SHALL... oh, I think I'm going to cry..." Yami said, tears welling up in his eyes.

_... ... ... ... The HELL?! WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU?!_

_-Yugi... we... we're gonna duel! I mean, like, for REAL. We... haven't gotten to do that for so long! I'm soooooo happy!-_

_Then stay on task! Challenge! Seize the day!_

"RARE HUNTER! I to duel you challenge!"

"... Exodia?"

"... Huh?"

"Oh, fer... hey, creepy guy! He wants to play you. You accept?" Joey asked.

"Well, I..."

"Yes. Yes, you do. Okay, now play cards before I hurt y'all."

Yami's eyes widened. "Well... okay. Let's... duel?"

"As you wish! Oh, Exodia I shall claim your Dark Magician and Exodia you!"

"Hey, did you just..." Yami began.

"DUEL! I have the first turn... but I choose to pass. Your Exodia. But go in vain, knowing that I shall destroy thee with EXODIAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!"

"... ... ... ...I play Alpha, the Magnet Warrior, and I'll... I'll hit you now. Did you just..."

R.H: 2600

"I choose to pass again. But know that in merely four turns, I shalt draw all five pieces of EXODIAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!"

"Aw, man... Yugi, I gotta tell ya, this guy beat me yestahday with..."

"DON'T! Tell him my Exodia, and I shall Exodia your Red-Eyes! Hehehehehehehehehehehehe." Rare Hunter laughed (In a manner of speaking).

"Aw, man, I'm sorry, Yug. I can't tell ya his secret strategy!" Joey said apologetically.

"... Joey, I THINK I've figured it out," Yami said, shaking his head in disbelief.

"HA! There is NO way you could have possibly figured out my uber-secret Exodia to Exodia you with EXODIAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!"

"... Yeah, I'm PRETTY sure I know what you're doing." Yami told him.

"Wow, Yug... how did ya figure it out? Yer incredible duelist instincts?"

"... More like my amazing power to hear him telling it to me."

"LIAR! YE SHALT NEVER DECIPHER MY EXODIA!" Rare Hunter roared.

"Son of a... you are GOING to try to beat me with Exodia."

"**NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO**

**OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO**

**OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO**

**OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO**

**OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO**

**OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO**

**OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO**

**OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO**

**OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO**

**OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO**

**OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO**

**OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO**

**OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO**

**OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO**

**OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO**

**OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO**

**OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO**

**OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO**

**OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO**

**OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO**

**OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO–"**

"OH, SHUT **UP!** WHAT THE HELL WERE YOU EXPECTING, YOU IDIOT?! YOU CAN'T JUST GO AROUND SHOUTING 'EXODIA! EXODIA!', IF YOU DON'T WANT PEOPLE TO KNOW ABOUT YOUR EXODIA! MOTHER OF GOD, MY FIRST REAL DUEL IN TWO STORIES, AND I GET **YOU?!** 'OOOOOH, EXODIA! I'M A MORON, SO I'LL ACT LIKE I'M **NOT** PROJECTING MY STRATEGY IN STEREO!' YOU IDIOTIC SON OF A– **YOU!" **Yami turned to sky, screaming to the author "**YOU SOLD ME OUT, YOU BASTARD! LIAR! LYING BASTARD!**"

Live with it, twerp. On with the 'duel'.

"I... hate... you... so... much..." Yami sighed, defeated. "I sacrifice my Magnet Warrior for the Summoned Skull, and I hit you again..."

* * *

Less than a mile away, in a dark alley... Bakura tripped over his untied shoelace.

* * *

Okay, seriously now. Less than a mile away, in a dark alley, a young duelist fell to his knees, utterly destroyed. Above him, the Dark Man gave a satisfied smile. "Ahhhhhhh... victory just tastes so... DELICIOUS. Particularly when it's mixed in with a little despair." He looked down at his beaten opponent. "Thank you very much for the warm up, loser. It will serve me very well... think of this as a rehearsal for Yugi's funeral. You can keep your rare card, I have no need or desire for anything but that locator card."

One down, five to go...

* * *

Rare Hunter smiled viciously. "Oh, Yugi... you are such a fool! True, you may have uncovered my strategy, but in only two turns I will draw EXODIA! YOU CANNOT WIN! Hehehehehehehehehehehehehehe. Oh, my turn? I pass."

"... I attack again. And, y'know... win."

"OH, you shall PAY for that when I draw Exodia!"

"I won, dude. You don't get to draw any more."

"You can't have won, you didn't draw Exodia!"

"... ... ... ... ... ... Did nobody ever tell you there are other ways to win?"

"I... you... I... what... we... how... Exodia?"

"Okay, I'll take my buddy's dragon, if you don't mind."

"RARE HUNTER!" a voice said. "YE HAVE FAILED! PREPARE TO SUFFER DIVINE PUNISHMENT!"

A man in rare hunter robes ran out into the arena, fluidly slipped next to Rare Hunter... and kicked him in the shins. Then he handed Yami and Yugi an envelope, and left.

Rare Hunter held his shin. "... ... Ow!"

Yugi took back his body. "Dragon, dude?"

"Oh, here. I didn't really want it anyway. Awfully sucky card." Rare Hunter said, giving the Red-Eyes to Yugi, who handed it to Joey.

Silence.

"Um... Joey... aren't you gonna give it back to me? To, y'know, forge a link between us? Join our powers in one deck, giving us strength?"

"Hell no. This thing's mine. YOU can't have it, so don't ask again." Stroking the dragon happily, Joey purred "My prrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrecious..."

"... ... ... ... WAY to be sentimental, bitch. Okay, to the envelope..." Yugi opened it up, and the contents read:

Dear Yugi,

Hi! How are you? I'm good. Just so you know, I'm going to destroy you. And stuff. I'm writing because Bandit Keith had my only walkie-talkie. So, just so you know, I have other Rare Hunters, and they're all a little bit smarter than this one was. They're coming for your death, and evil purposes, and other things. Oh, and don't lose that artifact that Isis gave you, because I'm coming to kill you and take it. Oh, and one of my dudes has an EGYPTIAN GOD CARD. They're awfully cool. Now that you know what one is, you're obligated to say 'Egyptian God Card' at least three times per chapter.

Love, Luck and Lollipops,

The Queen of the Rare Hunters

_You know, Yami, every time we run into one of these incompetent pseudo-villains, a little piece of my soul dies._

"WHAT?! EGYPTIAN GOD CARDS?!"

_... ... huh?_

"EGYPTIAN GOD CARDS!"

"Yug, whatcha talkin' bout?" Joey asked.

"**EGYPTIAN GOD CARDS!**" Yami screamed, for the third required time.

* * *

"So teeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeell me, Steve, how is Yugi-woogilibile doin'?" Kaiba asked.

"Seto, for the last time... NOT STEVE. As for Yugi, he just beat a guy who I happen to think HACKED HIS WAY INTO THE TOURNAMENT LISTINGS!"

"WHOA."

"What, that criminals have broken into your precious tournament?"

"No. PIE." Seto said meaningfully.

"... Right. Anyway, I looked over his entry sheet, and I... well, let's just say we REALLY need to step up security. Here take a look."

Name: Rare Hunter

Occupation: Rare Hunter.

Hobbies: Rare Hunting, Knitting

Group Affiliations: The Rare Hunters

Are You a Rare Hunter? Rare Hunters Aren't Allowed In the Tournament: No.

"... ... Okay, I'm doped on Prozac, and even I can tell this sheet shouldn't have passed. We really do need to increase the Security budget." Kaiba admitted. "But Yugi whooped him, right? SO, now I need to go down there to fight in the tournament of fighting of tournament of fighting. With OBELISK THE TORMENTOR!

"And," Kaiba added, his tone growing darker, "PIE."

"Where the hell is my 'Seto Bat'?!" Mokuba growled, looking around for something heavy to smack his brother with.

"Oh, Steve, you are SUCH a character..."


	13. Chapter Eleven

Author's Note: I may not own Yu-Gi-Oh, but as of today, I own Sylus 'Death' McGlee. And that, my friends, makes up for it all.

Chapter 11: Sometimes, chapters just don't have a lot to do with anything.

On a darkened street in the heart of Domino, there was a brilliant flash of light. From this flash, there stepped a young girl. But this was no ORDINARY young girl. This was the single most beautiful human being to ever walk the earth, with beautiful blue eyes and brilliant golden hair. She was athletic, brilliant, pleasant to spend time with, and always succeeded at everything. Around her neck, she wore a glowing golden artifact shaped like a star with an eye in the middle. Her name was Alicia Perfectia.

"Oh, my!" She said. "It looks like I've been transported into the world of Yu-Gi-Oh!™ Luckily, I have my ancient family pendant, which is also the hidden eighth millennium item, the Millennium Star! It has the power to turn bread into gold, and it makes me immortal and gives me laser vision, and controls the weather, and creates demon wolves to defend me, and summons the very gods to serve as my soldiers, and it is the ONLY thing that can defeat the Dreaded Dark Lord Zod, who will otherwise devour the earth because he's a million times more powerful than Yami (Who is actually my husband from 5,000 years ago!) but my Millennium Star can defeat him in just under a second! I'm also lucky that I'm pretty and smart and everybody loves me and..."

BLAM!

The bullet struck Alicia in the neck, severing her spinal cord and trachea. Paralyzed from the neck down and unable to breath, she collapsed like a puppet with her strings cut and drowned in a pool of her own blood.

His high powered sniper rifle still smoking, a middle aged (But still heavily muscled) man dressed in a khaki vest, faded jeans, a broad rimmed hat, and a necklace made of crocodile teeth sauntered out of the alley from which he had fired. "HA! The Mary-Sue ain't been made what can escape from Sylus 'Death' McGlee, luv!" he said in a thick Australian accent. "Now, where is it... AH! Another 'eighth item', eh? Well, this oughta fetch me a fine price down in Cambodia! I swear, Mary-Sue 'unting is more profitable than Ivory and Rhino poaching put together!"

Yes, I know it's sad, but a thriving ring of Mary-Sue poachers have been operating in Domino for years, selling eighth millennium items to collectors for vast profits in the black markets of Southeast Asia. And while elephants and rhinos have the law to protect them, to this day Mary-Sue hunting is perfectly legal in every nation except England (Where live Mary-Sues are one of their top ten national exports). Said World Wildlife Foundation chairman Jefferson McTreeington: "Who cares? Nobody likes them anyway."

If this hunting continues, someday there will be no Mary-Sues left in the wild, their majestic cry of 'Oh, My! It looks like I've been transported to (Insert Name of Anime) where I will easily defeat (Insert name of ridiculously powerful made-up villain whose only weakness happens to be an item/weapon/power in the Mary-Sue's possession), and then fall deeply in love with (Insert name of main character/supporting character who's cuter than main character)!' no longer echoing across the plains.

Please, join the Mary-Sue Anti Poaching Foundation (MSAPF), and help make unrestricted Mary-Sue hunting illegal. Before the noble Mary-Sue disappears... forever.

Or don't. Really, nobody likes them anyway.

* * *

Malik looked around for a few seconds. "Did you hear a gunshot?" he asked Odion. 

"No, sir. I've been too busy playing cards with annoying children to win locator cards for YOU, even though I don't even LIKE this game and YOU'RE the one with the 'Invincible and Shiny Winged Dragon of freakin' Ra', as you've so charmingly coined it. Please, sir... I'm twenty-seven. I don't want to play card games with ten year olds. Can't you win your own cards?" Odion asked.

"... ... ... I don't want the Winged Dragon of Ra to get dirty," Malik said, like it was the most obvious thing in the world. He then started chuckling. "I STILL can't get over that. **I **have the Invincible and Shiny Winged Dragon of freakin' RA!"

"... I hate you, sir."

"Are you SURE you didn't hear a gunshot?"

"... Sir, are you even listening to me?" Odion asked doubtfully.

"I'm listening to what now?"

"If I had not promised our mother, on her DEATHBED, that I wouldn't kill you..."

* * *

Yugi looked around for a few seconds. "Joey," he asked calmly, "Did you hear a gunshot?" 

-_SNIPERS!- _Yami psychically roared. -_THE INVISIBLE CYBORG ZOMBIE NINJAS ARE FINALLY MAKING THEIR MOVE! YUGI, WE HAVE TO GET TO COVER!-_

"Nah." Joey said dismissively. "It was probably the wind."

"... The wind doesn't sound like a gun, Joey."

"It was probably gun wind."

_-IT WAS DEADLY SNIPERS SEEKING MY LIFE! Yugi, right now there are dozens of undead cyborg ninjas locking lethal sniper rifles on my... our... brain! And they are doing it in an INVISIBLE manner! That makes it even more lethal!-_

"Joey, there is no such thing as 'gun-wind'. That doesn't even make sense. And I don't even really care anymore. I'm sure someone was brutally murdered. And you know, a few weeks ago that would have really bothered me. But I just... don't... CARE. I'm just gonna go on and win Kaiba's freakin' okey-dokey-clisti thing, and then I'm going to look at all the losers who didn't win, and I'm going to say..."

* * *

"... You suck?" Tristan asked. 

Behind her new eye bandages, Serenity's eye burned. "WHAT?!"

"Like, lollipops? I like those."

"... Oh. Well. Okay. Sure. Candy is good, I suppose." She said, calming down somewhat. "So, Tristan, nothing personal, but why are you here? I mean, I know you're Joey's friend and all. But we've never even met and, to be frank, I don't need eyes to see that you aren't the sharpest tool in the shed. Why are you here?"

"Why, to give you the play by play on Joey's duels in OKYKHSHTHNEECBAHFS$BTHDWTLAMAH#SIHWH$B!" Tristan said proudly.

"... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... Was that even a word?"

"What, OKYKHSHTHNEECBAHFS$BTHDWTLAMAH#SIHWH$B?"

"No, I meant JOEY. Is JOEY a word?" Serenity asked sarcastically. "OF COURSE I MEANT... oky... kissth... watla... WHATEVER!"

"Yeah! It's the name of Kaiba's tournament. For some reason everyone acts like it's weird, but it sounds fine to me."

"... For some reason, I think that's proof of its inherent wrongness. But in any case, I guess that's okay, but what made you think of it? Did Joey ask you to?"

"Weeeeeeeeeeell..."

**FLASHBACK (Tristan Mode):**

Joey: Hey, Tristan, ol' buddy ol' pal, I'm gonna be in OKYKHSHTHNEECBAHFS$BTHDWTLAMAH#SIHWH$B today, so would you please go and spend a lot of time with my gorgeous, wounded, emotionally vulnerable sister? Oh, by the way, what's your favorite dessert?

Tristan: Pie!

Joey: Wow, me too! Now, before you say anythin', she's REALLY hot and she'll probly fall in love wit' anyone who goes and helps her follow my duelin'. Think ya can help?

Tristan: Sure!

Joey: Thank you, greatest of friends!

**END FLASHBACK:  
**

"... yeah! Yeah, he asked me to come here and help you out. He told me to, in fact!"

"Ah. Well, I guess it's okay, then. And I really DO want to see Joey duel... well, not 'see', but hear about, at least. Funny, though... that really doesn't sound like Joey at all!"

**FLASHBACK (What really happened):**

**Joey:** Tristan... listen to me, and listen good. I'm gonna be in Kaiba's crazy okey-kokey thing, and my sister is gonna be alone. And she had BETTER stay that way, ya hear?! If I hear you were takin' advantage of my gorgeous, wounded, emotionally vulnerable sister, I will kill you. I'm not even jokin', I will literally freakin' kill you. I will kill you so hard that your entire family will feel it. Do you get me?

**Tristan**: Pie!

**Joey:** ... The hell?! Are you even listenin' to me?! 'Cause I'm not jokin'. Seriously. I'll kill ya.

**Tristan**: Sure!

**Joey**: Dude, yer startin' ta piss me off...

END FLASHBACK

* * *

"So, Yug. I appreciate yer helpin' me out wit' my red-eyes, but for now we need to get on wit our duelin'! Let's see... you go on and fight horrible villains who'll kill ya if you lose, while I go play with a bunch a' creepy geeks. Sound good?" 

"... ... That does seem to be the way these things work. See you around."

_-YUGI, for the last time, we need to take cover! There could be snipers taking aim at us RIGHT NOW!-_

_Yami, just shut the hell up._

* * *

About a quarter-mile away, Bakura tripped over his untied shoelace. "BLOODY HELL!" he shouted. "THAT'S THE SEVENTEENTH TIME TODAY!"

Starting to get a general idea of what the curse is?

* * *

Walking along, searching for a random duel to duel, Joey saw a familiar face... about to get his familiar face stomped in by an unfamiliar face. 

"HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHA!" Espa Roba laughed gratingly. "I KNEW YOU WERE GOING TO PLAY THAT CARD, REX RAPTOR! THAT'S BECAUSE I'M CHEA... PSYCHIC! NOT CHEATING! AND I DEFINITELY DON'T HAVE A MICROPHONE HIDDEN UNDER MY HAIR!"

"Dammit, would you STOP THAT?!" Rex said. "I can't concentrate with you shouting like that!"

"NO! I'M ESPA ROBA! THIS IS HOW I TALK!" Roba shouted.

"Hey, Raptor! What's goin' on?" Joey said.

"Oh, hey Wheeler. I'm dueling this Roba dude. He says he's psychic, and he DOES seem to know what's in my hand, but he spends so much time shouting that when I try to ask about it I can't get a word..."

"HEY, STOP TALKING TO THAT GUY AND KEEP DUELING! WE NEED TO DUEL, AND I'M TOTALLY PSYCHIC AND READING YOUR MIND WITH PSYCHIC POWERS FROM THE PSYCHIC UNIVERSE!" Roba bellowed.

Rex winced. "... In edgewise."

Joey grimaced. "Man, and I thought YOU were annoyin'..."

"Heh, heh, yeah, I know what you... HEY!"

"HA! IT DOESN'T MATTER IF YOU PLAY OR NOT BECAUSE I PLAYED MY JINZO AND HE'S A ROBOT AND NOT A PSYCHIC LIKE ME AND HE'S COOL AND HE'LL BEAT YOU! WITH ME! BECAUSE I'M PSYCHIC AND I SEE THE FUTURE AND READ MINDS!" Espa screamed, as his Jinzo actually did beat Rex. With him. Because he's psychic.

"Oh, yippee hooray. Will you stop talking to me now?" Rex asked, handing over his rarest card and locator card.

"HA! NO, I WON'T STOP! IN FACT, I'LL TALK MORE AND THIS TIME THE TALKING WILL BE **GLOATING**! I'M BETTER THAN YOU! I HAVE YOUR CARDS NOW! I ROCK! YOU SUCK! I'M CHEATI... PSYCHIC! DEFINITELY NOT CHEATING! AT ALL!"

"Son of a... WHEELER! Please, you HAVE to beat this idiot and make him SHUT UP. Even for just a..."

"BECAUSE IF I WAS CHEATING, I WOULDN'T TELL YOU! I WOULD TELL YOU I PSYCHIC... BUT THAT DOESN'T MEAN I'M CHEATING BECAUSE I WAS NOT!"

"... Second." Raptor finished through gritted teeth. "Please... you hear and say so many idiotic things, his babbling won't affect you! You have to make him stop talking for the good of mankind! If I can have a moment of silence while he is nearby, I can leave the tournament a happy man!" Rex begged.

"... Aw, what the heck? I don't see why..."

"HA! YOU ARE GOING TO FIGHT ME!? YOU CAN'T! I'M SOOOOO PSYCHIC THAT I'LL TOTALLY DESTROY YOU AND YOU'LL LOSE AND BE DESTROYED! YOU SUCK! AND YOU'LL LOSE! AND BE DESTROYED! HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

"... not."

* * *

Yugi, walking along, saw something that made his gut fill with icy terror. Oh, and also what appeared to be an evil clown of some sort. But of far more importance was... 

"HELLO, YUGI!" Tea said. "I was just walking to find you, when I saw a chipmunk and I just LOOOOOOOOOOOVE chipmunks so I decided to pet the chipmunk but it ran away and I chased it and after four hours it led me RIGHT TO YOU! What a great coincidence! I just LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOVE coincidences!"

"Hey, Tea. What's with the evil clown?"

"Oh, him? That's my NEW FRIEND! YAY! I JUST LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOVE new friends! I've been making him help me find the squirrel! YAY! I just LOOOOOOOOOOOOO-"

The evil clown sighed sadly. "I was supposed to deliver a threatening challenge of some sort to you... but I think being around this girl has drained my brain or something, because I've completely forgotten it. Something to do with magic, or something... Screw it. I don't get paid enough to dress up in this idiotic clown suit and deliver threats to people I don't even know. I'm going out to lunch." The evil clown said, and headed off to lunch.

"... ... okay. So, what do we do now?"

"We can talk about my favorite STUFF! I like ice cream, and bunnies, and benches, and garbage, and oreos, and pancake mix, and northwestern spotted terns, and..."

* * *

Underneath the local circus tent, Arkana the magician was flipping a pen to keep himself entertained. _Where IS that kid? I've got this whole spiffy arena, with buzz saws and EVERYTHING, and he won't show up! Surely my evil clown has found him by now! Maybe... maybe he didn't listen to my clown! No, everyone listens to evil clowns. It's a rule! He's probably... he's probably on his way. Yeah, he's on his way. Yeah._

And so he sat, and continued to wait.

Had he known that his evil clown was, at that moment, ordering a double cheeseburger at the local McDonald's™, he might not have been so confident.

* * *

Deep beneath the surface of the Pacific Ocean, between the Islands of Japan and another, much smaller island, a sinister intellect laid in wait. 

"So, computer," Noah said conversationally. "Any sign of..."

"NO! Blast it all, sir, there is NO sign of Seto Kaiba. There hasn't been any sign since the first time you asked. Or during any of consequent 450,352 askings. Seto is NOT coming, he has never BEEN coming, and odds are he will never BE coming. Why can you not comprehend this?!"

"But what about..."

"THAT IS A SEAGULL! There is no point at which it was NOT a seagull, damn you! Sir."

"Ah. But what if it WASN'T a seagull, but was actually Seto DRESSED as a seagull? Did you ever think of that?"

"An interesting theory. But WRONG. Incredibly wrong. So extremely wrong that I am certain the sheer wrongness of it all just caused a rip in the fabric of time and space somewhere... ah, yes, my sensors just detected Mars being sucked into a dimensional rift. Congratulations sir, you just destroyed Mars. Really good work."

"Whoa. I couldn't have been that wrong, could I?"

"Apparently, yes. Although it seems possible that someone else could have been equally wrong at the exact same time..."

* * *

Meanwhile, in Domino, at the exact same time... 

"And my thought on the subject is, if I WIN Battle City, Isis won't be angry any more!" Malik said proudly.

-_... ... ... ... My lord, that is so unbelievably wrong that it makes my head scream in agony... and except when I'm possessing you, I don't even HAVE a head.- _Yami Malik said in disbelief.

"Sir, have you considered that your plan is the most idiotic thing I have ever heard in my entire life?" Odion asked.

And...

_Yami, I'm lucky to have a great friend like you! _Bakura thought.

-_If I could kill you without killing myself, I would throw you in front of a bus.- _Evil Bakura thought.

_Kidder._

And...

_Maybe if I beat this guy, he'll shut up! _Joey thought.

And...

"Yessir... I bet Yugi is coming to answer my challenge, riiiiiiight now!" Arkana said to no one in particular.

And...

_I think Serenity really likes me! I bet Joey will be soooooo happy if we get together! _Tristan thought.

"Tristan? TRISTAN? You haven't said anything in twenty minutes. Are you still here?" Serenity asked.

And...

_Yami, what are we doing? I thought we were supposed to be in a tournament, but we're just sitting here listening to Tea yammer. _

_-Don't worry, Yugi. We'll be neck-deep in dramatic dueling within a few chapters. After all, the author promised.-_

_And he would NEVER lie to us._

"... And I also like ham! And..." Tea yammered.

"Oh, God! I almost forgot! We need to get the Egyptian God Cards!"

"... Huh?" Tea asked..

"Tea, would you like some lunch? I think we're having Egyptian God Cards!"

_Yami, I don't think that you actually have to say that EVERY chapter..._

_-I'm sorry, Yugi, I couldn't hear you. Those Egyptian God Cards were too loud!-_

_Son of a..._


	14. Chapter Twelve

Chapter 12: HA! THE PSYCHIC ROBOT IS PSYCHIC AND POWERFUL WITH PSYCHIC POWERS!

"HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH! YOU, JOEY WHEELER, HAVE NO HOPE AGAINST ME BECAUSE OF MY PSYCHIC POWERS THAT ARE PSYCHIC AND POWERFUL!"

"We haven't even started yet!" Joey screamed in frustration. "Whenever I'm about to make my first move, you start screaming about how you're going to win! It's distracting!"

"See?!" Rex asked. "That's how he beat me! No matter what happens, he just keeps shouting at the top of his lungs! It gets old REALLY FAST."

"Okay, I play…" Joey began.

"HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! THAT MOVE WILL BE PATHETIC BECAUSE YOU ARE PATHETIC AND YOU SUCK AND YOU'RE DUMBER THAN A CHICKEN BUT NOT DUMBER THAN A COW, AND YOU WILL FALL LIKE A FALLING THING AGAINST MY PSYCHIC POWERS THAT ARE PSYCHIC! AND…"

"Powerful?" Rex and Joey finished dryly.

"… YES! THAT'S RIGHT! AND TRUE! IT'S INTERESTING THAT YOU COULD GUESS WHAT I WAS GOING TO SAY! AND UNUSUAL! BUT I'M THE PSYCHIC, BECAUSE I KNEW THAT YOU WERE GOING TO INTERRUPT ME SO HA!"

"Yeah… now that we're past that, can I make my move so we can duel and then, eventually, I won't have to see you anymore?"

"SURE! GO AHEAD! I DON'T CARE!"

"Okay, I play…"

"HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! THAT MOVE WILL FAIL AND I KNOW IT WILL FAIL BECAUSE OF MY PSYCHIC POWERS FROM THE PSYCHIC UNIVERSE!"

"Son of a…"

* * *

"And I also LOOOOOOOOVE fish!" Tea bubbled. "And I LOOOOOOOOVE…" 

"BLOODY HELL!" a voice roared, shocking Yami out of his Tea-induced trance. "Why the bloody hell won't my bloody shoelaces stay bloody tied?!"

Looking quickly around, Yami saw Bakura kneeling in the middle of the street tying his shoelace. His normally immaculate clothes were torn and filthy, and his face was badly scratched up. Several cars were beeping wildly at him, but he just screamed "GO AROUND YOU BLOODY MORONS!" and kept tying his shoes.

"Bakura… why are you sitting in the middle of a street? Unless… you are the dark spirit of the Millennium Ring, here in this street to enact some foul ritual of darkness!" Yami shouted.

"No, I just tripped. My shoelace came untied."

"… oh. Well… could you tell your dark spirit to do something evil? I'm getting bored."

"But I though you were in the middle of a horrific conflict with the… Rare Hunters. Sorry, I forgot that group has lost some of its luster."

"I know. First I ran into some guy who telegraphed his strategy a week in advance, and then an evil clown kinda thought about maybe telling me about someone else's challenge. They really do need to work on their recruitment program…"

* * *

"I really DO need to work on my recruitment program." The Queen of the Rare Hunters said, sighing sadly. "That was Arkana on the phone. Apparently, Yugi hasn't actually showed up to fight him. But he is, and I quote, 'pretty sure that the evil clown is starting to get ready to get around to talking to Yugi'." 

"Aw, we feel your pain, Queenie. Why, not so long ago, Sir Malik killed our bestest buddy right in the middle of 'The Little Mermaid'! I swear, it TOOOOOTALLY ruined Ariel's big musical number." One of the many cloaked figures said, offering her a conciliatory pat on the back.

Say what you will about Malik. Sure, he might be insane. He might be kind of a loser. But at least he TRIED to keep total sissies from getting into his black market ring. With the Queen's advent, (And with it the rise of Rainbow Brite notepads and obligatory _My Little Pony _wallpaper) however, they began flowing into the group like wine in a… um… well… a wine factory.

Oh, shut up. I can't be witty all the time.

"Thank you, Leonard. And I know you're right, I'm not the only one who has a hard life; and I'm truly touched that you care about me enough to offer your empathy in my time of woe. I really do believe that it's people like you who will project the kind of sensitive, friendly image I want this group to take up," the Queen said, smiling at her servant.

"Why, thank you, your majesty!" Leonard squealed.

"People LIKE you, Leonard. Not you. Unfortunately, you laid your filthy hands upon my royal person, and the first rule of the Rare Hunters is that I may not be touched by you. You all are beneath me, so any touch of my body to yours constitutes a deadly insult to me. I really do like you Leonard, I think you're a great guy. But I have to keep up appearances, so I'm going to have to execute you. Sorry." She snapped her fingers, and two large men grabbed Leonard and dragged him away screaming.

"Okay, on to more pressing matters. ODION!" She screamed.

"He… um… he…" another hunter stuttered.

"What?"

"He doesn't work here anymore, remember? He went with Sir Malik. I'M SORRY, PLEASE DON'T KILL ME!"

"Now, now, I don't blame you for bringing bad news!" the Queen said brightly.

"Oh, thank God…"

"I blame you for letting Odion leave in the first place. He was the most dramatic group member by far. Without him, we totally suck. So yeah, I'm gonna kill you."

"Oh god, oh god, oh god, oh god…"

"RELAX. I'm joking!"

"Oh, thank you your majesty! I swear I'll never bring you bad news again! I swear!"

"I know you won't. Now go back to your room and watch some nice T.V. I heard 'Beauty and the Beast' will be on the Disney channel in an hour." And with that, the grateful Hunter fairly sprinted back to his room. The Queen got out her cell phone. "Hello, Guards? I've got a Code-2385. Yeah, a 'Bearer of Bad News' clause. I need you to execute the guy in room 709 when you get the chance, okay? Thanks. And when you get the chance, execute yourself for not saying 'Well hi-skippy-doo!' when you picked up the phone. Bye!"

"Now. What other news is there?" She asked brightly, looking around at the very, very pale group.

* * *

"HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! NOT ONLY WILL THAT MOVE FAIL, IT WILL FAIL IN THE MOST SPECTACULARLY FAILING FAILURE IMAGINABLE TO HUMAN PEOPLE! IT WILL FAIL AND YOU SUCK AND WILL FAIL AND FALL TO MY INCREDIBLE PSYCHIC POWERS THAT ARE PSYCHIC AND POWERFUL FROM THE PSYCHIC UNIVERSE!" 

"DAMMIT, WOULD YOU SHUT UP AND LET ME PLAY?!" Joey roared in frustration.

"NO! WHY WOULD I? I WANT YOU TO LOSE! I WANT TO WIN, AND THEN YOU WILL HAVE LOST AND YOUR LOSS WILL BE TO ME AND MY…"

"PSYCHICALLY POWERFUL PSYCHIC POWERS FROM THE PSYCHIC UNIVERSE!" Rex shouted. "Was I right? That's what you were gonna say, isn't it? Tell me I got it right!"

"… … … … … … …um…" Roba began.

"WHEELER, NOW! WHILE HE'S STUNNED!" Rex shouted.

"I play Giltia the Dark Knight!" Joey said, slamming the card down.

"OH, YOU FREAKIN' MORON!" Rex screamed, slapping his forehead in frustration.

"HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHA! I TOLD YOU YOUR MOVE WOULD FAIL, AND JUST LOOK AT THAT IT HAS! YOU SUCK! YOU FAILED! YOU FAILED AND YOU SUCK! YOU'RE A SUCKING FAILURE!"

"What? What'd I do?"

"That monster has five stars, you idiot. Didn't you read the rulebook?" Rex asked.

"Yeah. The rules said that to play a monster with five stars or more, you have to stab your opponent with a rusty knife. I was just about to do that." Joey said, taking the rusty knife out of his pocket.

"Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhh. You read KAIBA'S rules. Yeah, you really shouldn't trust those. They're totally insane. If you read them closely, there are hundreds of rules like that one, so that to play pretty much any move at all, you have to stab someone. Then there are the death squads, the 'get shot for losing' rule, the 'if you play any card with the word 'the' in the title, you have to amputate a finger' rule… and none of them apply to him or Yugi. He says they're 'extreme rules', but he's probably just trying to make sure Yugi is the only one in the finals by killing everyone else. We're playing by Mokuba's revised 'sane' rulebook, where you have to give up weaker monsters to play strong ones… and, y'know, nobody dies. Honest mistake."

"Aw, I knew I shouldn't have gone with Kaiba's rules! So, can I make that move over?

"NO! I NOW PLAY MY CYBER RAIDER! GAZE IN AWE UPON MY PSYCHIC ROBOT WHO IS PSYCHIC AND POWERFUL AND MUCH LIKE ME IN THOSE RESPECTS AND HE WILL STRIKE YOU DOWN AND YOU WILL BE STRUCK BY PSYCHIC POWERS THAT ARE PSYCHIC AND POWERFUL!" And then, well, Espa delivered on his promise.

Joey's LP: 2500.

"Okay, time to get back on track! I play…"

"HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHA! I HAVE LOOKED INTO THE FUTURE WITH MY PSYCHIC POWERS AND YOUR MOVE WILL BE A FAILURE LIKE THIS LAST ONE AND YOU WILL FAIL AND BE A FOOL AND A FOOLISH FAILURE AND FALL BEFORE MY PSYCHIC POWERS!"

Joey winced, gritting his teeth. "Oh, fer the luvva God…"

* * *

Kaiba was on top of the world. 

"Ohhhhh yeah! Obelisk, baby! He torments, and you can suck it!" he screamed at his latest victim. "I rock, and I do it with Obelisk and Pie! Lieutenant Mokuba, have this young man killed as soon as he turns back from a frog."

The Prozac hadn't QUITE worn off yet.

"Seto, for the last time, we are not allowed to kill anyone. I know you want your tournament to be extreme, but it's a card game. People don't die in card games. Well, not since Grandpa Kaiba took up poker, anyway."

"Oh, you are such a killjoy… Eh?" Kaiba said in confusion, as an owl swooped overhead and dropped a letter on his head. He tore it open and read:

_Dear Mr. Kaiba:_

_We are pleased to inform you that you have been accepted to Hogwart's School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. Please find enclosed a list of all necessary books and equipment. _

_Term begins September 1. We await your owl by no later than July 31. _

_Yours Sincerely,_

_Minerva McGonagall_

_Deputy Headmistress._

Kaiba stared at this letter in silence for several seconds. "Ah. Mokuba, please look at this."

Mokuba looked at it. "Ah. Ah-ha. Well this, this is just wrong. This isn't a crossover fic. They must have the wrong address."

"Well, no problem. I'll just send a pleasant, but firm, refusal." He scribbled on the back of the letter:

_Dear Professor McWhatchamacallit. _

_I am flattered by your letter. However, not only am I too busy to drop everything on my schedule and move to England, we live in completely separate universes with diametrically opposed views of magic and the use thereof. For instance, while magic in your universe typically involves the flick of a wand and some ridiculous phrase, magic in my universe often causes a horrible death. In addition, you have no ancient Egyptian card games… something I have based my life around. You see, it doesn't work out._

_So, in conclusion: I don't want to go to your #(&# school, and it makes no sense that you would even invite me. Despite what many people seem to think, we do not really crossover terribly well._

_Please, take this time to go #(&# yourself._

_Yours Sincerely, _

_Seto Kaiba_

_CEO KaibaCorp. International _

Mokuba sighed. "Sadly, that's about as pleasant as you get. Send it."

Kaiba attached the letter to the Owl, picked up the bird, and drop-kicked it. Screeching indignantly, the bird began to fly away with a distinctly erratic path.

* * *

In her office in Hogwarts, Minerva McGonagall read Kaiba's reply. 

"::SIGH::… Whose dumb idea was it to invite this jerk, anyway?"

"Probably Snape. He must have wanted someone to make him look pleasant by comparison." Professor Dumbledore said. "Still, maybe if your letters weren't as bland and unpleasant as you, he'd have come anyway."

"Old windbag."

"Bitch."

* * *

The Dark Man smiled at his final victim of the day. 

It had all been so easy. Most of the other duelists hadn't even claimed a single locator card yet, and he already had all six he needed. Even better, since he hadn't lost once, Kaiba's death squads wouldn't come after him. True, Kaiba had publicly announced (With some beating from his brother) that there weren't any death squads, but the Dark Man frankly didn't trust him to keep his word. Kaiba was not a good man to put your trust in.

But none of that mattered now. Placing all six cards in the slots on his DuelDisc, the Dark Man watched the holographic map to the finals display itself. Memorizing the location, he began to walk to a nearby café.

After all, he had a few hours before he destroyed Yugi Motoh. Lunch would help kill the time.

* * *

"So, Tristan, how is Joey doing in his first duel?" Serenity asked. 

"Hee, hee, hee… Puppies!" Tristan said gleefully.

"Oh, for the love of… Tristan, what website are you looking at?

"I'm checking out this website on puppies!" Tristan said simply.

"Ah. I thought so. And what site are you supposed to be looking at?"

"Ummmmmmmmmm…"

"Come on. It's not a trick question. You are here for a reason, just try to reach down through the quagmire that is your mind and remember it." Serenity coaxed.

"I… um… pie… we… oh yeah, OKYKHSHTHNEECBAHFS$BTHDWTLAMAH#SIHWH$B!" he said proudly. Tapping into www.OKYKHSHTHNEECBAHFS$BTHDWTLAMAH#SIHWH$B .com, Tristan brought up Joey's duel.

Or rather, that's how it would have been in a perfect world.

"Hee, hee, hee… puppies!" Tristan said.

"Son of a…"

* * *

Joey squeezed his fists so hard that blood spurted out of his hands. 

"Damn… you… I… just… want… to… play." He said, his bloodshot eyes twitching wildly. "In… three… hours… I… have… made… two… moves. I… KNOW… you… are… cheating. And… I… don't… care. As… long… as… you… shut… up… and… let… me… play… I… don't… care… what… else… you… do. Okay?" he said, very slowly and deliberately.

"HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHA! YOU ARE SLOWLY LOSING YOUR WILL TO LIVE, AND IT IS ALL BECAUSE OF MY PSYCHIC POWERS THAT ARE POWERFUL AND PSYCHIC AND POWERFUL AND…"

"STOP! Just stop. All I want is to play cards. That's all. I don't care about your psychic powers, because they aren't REAL. Sometimes, when you stop talking… for a second or two... I can hear voices coming from the microphone under your hair. I can look up and see a bunch of kids who look like you on that building right there!" Joey said, pointing to a badly hidden group of kids who looked like Espa.

"BROS! WE HAVE A CODE OMEGA! ABORT, ABORT, ABORT!" Roba screamed.

"SEE?! I JUST HEARD YOU YELL AT THEM TO STOP HELPING YOU CHEAT! I **HEARD YOU! **I KNOW YOU'RE A CHEATER! I KNOW! I SEE YOU CHEAT, AND FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, I DON'T CARE! AS LONG AS YOU SHUT THE _#(&_$ UP, YOU CAN CHEAT AS MUCH AS YOU WANT! DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! DO YOU COMPREHEND MY WORDS?! DO YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING TO YOU?!"

"Dude, cool down. You don't need to shout." Roba said calmly.

"You… I… You… I… You… I DON'T NEED TO SHOUT!" Joey shouted.

"True, true. By the way, I sacrifice my monster to summon Jinzo and have him destroy your monster. Your move."

Joey was absolutely silent for several seconds. "What the Hell?" he said softly.

Rex shot up from his fetal position on the street. "I CAN HEAR!" he roared. "I CAN HEAR MYSELF THINKING AGAIN! IT'S A MIRACLE!"

"You… you… you're TALKING. Like a PERSON."

"Well, yeah. I only screamed so you wouldn't notice me cheating. It's called 'strategy'." Roba said, like it was the most obvious thing in the world. "But since you noticed that whole 'cheating' thing, and since my most powerful monster is on the field, I decided to stop that. Hard on the throat. Besides, I'm probably going to win now anyway."

"I'm… I'm probably going to lose!" Joey said, tears of joy running down his face. "I've never been so happy in my life! I lay a monster in defense, and one card face down! Your move!" he said happily.

"Okay. I play…"

* * *

Arkana sat in his abandoned arena, twiddling his thumbs. 

"Yup." He said. "Annnnnny minute now. Yugi'll come right through that door, and I'll be like 'hey, Yugi, it's time to duel' and he'll be like 'totally, let's duel' and I'll be like 'yeah, 'cause I just said so' and he'll be like 'yeah, I know that, and that's why I agreed' and then we'll duel. And there will be buzz-saws involved. And the foot locks, oh the foot locks! It'll be the absolute best duel ever! I can't wait!" he said.

His voice echoed through the big, empty, Yugi-less room.

"Yup. Annnnnnnnnny minute now."

* * *

"DAMMIT, IT'S NOT ROCKET SCIENCE! I JUST WANT TO FIND OUT HOW MY BROTHER IS DOING!" Serenity roared. 

"Hee, hee, hee… Puppies!" Tristan giggled.

"I hate you so much…"

* * *

His victory secured, Joey smiled at Espa Roba. "Great duel, little guy. And don't worry about yer brothers… they'll be just fine. You keep up yer trainin', and next time we duel fair 'n square, okay!" 

Roba wiped a tear from his eye. "Okay! Here's my Jinzo, and a locator card!"

With that, Joey wandered off into the sunset. Espa watched him nobly travel on, with a kind of awe.

"A-HEM!" a voice said from behind him. Roba turned to find a very pissed off Rex.

"I believe WE have to have a chat, about you, my cards, and CHEATING?" Rex said softly and dangerously. He cracked his knuckles.

Roba gulped.

One savage beating later, Rex Raptor was back in the tournament.

* * *

"I feel lost, somehow. I don't know why. It's like… like something important is going on without me. I should be involved, but for some reason I'm here, with you two, instead of where events are proceeding without me. It's odd. Pass the ketchup, Evil Clown." Yami said. 

"Here you go." Evil Clown said, handing over the ketchup.

"Thank you. These cheeseburgers don't have nearly enough of it. Now, where was I?"

"You were explaining how it's unusual that, instead of engaged in dramatic battles, you are eating McDonald's with a tomb robber and a clown." Evil Bakura said.

"Ah, yes. Well, it is unusual. But I think that, in the end, it won't really matter overmuch. In point of fact, I could probably sit here all day, and six locator cards would just fall in my lap. I am the hero, so I have to make it to the finals. If I didn't, we wouldn't have much of a story."

"Let's test that." Evil Bakura said.

"… huh?"

"Well, I slipped some poison into your food when we got here. If your theory is true, you won't die."

"… you what?"

"Slipped you poison."

"WHY?!"

"In the name of science."

"Oh God, Oh God…"

Just then, a man in a lab coat ran into the restaurant, injected Yami with an anti-toxin, and left.

"… ow." Yami said.

"Well, that was certainly different." Evil Bakura said. "This proves your theory correct! Since the plot of the story focuses on you in Battle City, the universe itself will warp reality and shift timelines in order to make sure you get to the finals! This is very possibly the most astounding discovery in recent memory! We could shoot you, throw you off a building, stab you, poison you like I just did, and you would probably always survive!"

"This… this is amazing. The ramifications of this…" the Evil Clown gasped.

"…Could totally redefine literary reality and our perception of it." Yami finished. "Gentlemen, we may have just won a Nobel Prize."

"True, true. But this wasn't very funny." Evil Bakura said.

"Indeed." The Evil Clown agreed.

"Quite." Yami said.

"For certain."

"Of course."

"Truly."

"Correct."

Just then, a monkey jumped out of the garbage and latched onto Evil Bakura's face.

"OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD KILLITKILLITKILLIT…" He screamed, as the monkey kicked, bit, scratched, shrieking madly.

"Okay, that's better." Yami said.


	15. Chapter Thirteen

Author's Note: Wow, that Harry Potter thing netted a big response. I should do stuff like that more often.

Chapter 13: Which Witch?

"Well," Yugi said, as he hung upside down on the giant stake and the villagers of Domino piled the wood that would be used to burn him, "This could have turned out better."

Ten minutes earlier…

Whistling cheerfully, Yugi walked down the streets of Domino. "Hi, Mrs. Caruthers!" he said to kindly old Mrs. Caruthers.

"Well, hi there Yugi! How you doin', child?"

"Oh, I'm in the Battle City Tournament!"

"Well good for you!" Mr. Caruthers said, leaning out his window to water the family tulips.

"Hi, Yugi!" Mr. McGullicuty, the town baker, said. "Would you like some delicious cinnamon rolls?"

"…Yeah, but I don't have any money."

"Oh, it's free for our very own hometown hero!" He said, handing Yugi a bakery fresh cinnamon roll.

"Wow, thanks!" Yugi said, eating the delicious cinnamon roll. "Wow, I love Domino!"

"As well you should, Yugi! It's a clean, friendly, happy community!" the friendly, plump mayor, Mayor Bob, said.

"BWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" A dark voice said. From out of nowhere, the vile Arkana, the cold-hearted magician of the Rare Hunters, appeared in a cloud of smoke. "Yugi! Since you seem to have avoided falling into my trap, I have decided to hunt you down! I am ARKANA, the master of the Dark Magician! Now, Yugi, it is time for us to do battle! I will claim your card, your puzzle, and your SOUL!"

"YU-GI-OH!" Yugi shouted, glowing with otherworldly light and transforming into his alter ego. "Very well, ARKANA! We shall duel, and you shall fall as though I were smashing you with Egyptian God Cards, although I don't have any Egyptian God Cards to smash you with in the manner of the Egyptian God Cards with Egyptian God Cards and Egyptian God Cards. Egyptian God Cards!"

"… … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … huh?"

"I FORGOT TO SAY IT LAST CHAPTER, OKAY!" Yami screamed. "It slipped my mind! Let's just duel, dammit!"

"Very well!" Arkana agreed, his duel disc shifting into ready mode.

"Indeed!"

"Of course!"

"Verily!"

"For certain!"

"Naturally!"

"**WITCH!"**

Yami paused. "Did you say that, or did I?"

"… Well, It was my turn, but I was going to say 'Prithee forsooth!' I don't know who said…" Arkana said.

"It was ME!" Mayor Bob said. "Yugi, how dare you!"

"…Huh?"

"You transmogrified yourself, you monster!" Mrs. Caruthers shrieked.

"You invoked Dark Magic!" Mr. Caruthers accused.

"… Well, yeah. That's true. I do that all the time. So?" Yami admitted.

"SO, you're a vile, disgusting WITCH!"

"… no, that part, that's not true." Yami said.

Arkana chuckled and took a bite of popcorn. "Love the floor show here." He said.

"I KNEW IT! I ALWAYS SAID THAT LITTLE MOTOH KID WAS A SATANIST!" Mr. McGullicuty.

"Whaaaaaaaaaat!"

"The way you dress! I KNEW you were a dirty, filthy Satanist!"

"No, no! Yugi dresses like this. I don't really even like it." Yami calmly informed him.

"OH, MY LORD! There's two minds in there!"

"Yes, yes! Now you're getting it!" Yami congratulated Mr. Caruthers.

"Mayor, little Yugi is possessed by Satan!" the kindly old man finished.

"No, no. You're off track again." Yami said patiently.

"OH, of course!" The mayor exclaimed. "That's why kindly little Yugi always dresses like a male whore!"

"HEY!" Yugi said, taking back over. "I'll have you know that… bondage leather… okay, you kind of have a point. But it's very stylish."

"HE TRANSMOGRIFIED HIMSELF AGAIN! OH, GOD, A VILE DEMON-WITCH-WHORE HAS INFESTED OUR LOVELY HAMLET!" Mr. Caruthers said.

"BURN HIM! BURN THE WITCH!" Mrs. Caruthers roared.

"Um… sounds good to me!" Arkana said.

"WHAT! No, I'm not a witch you lunatics!"

"You WOULD say that, WITCH!" Mayor Bob said. "But we've seen your black magic! Luckily, the Domino Legal code hasn't been updated in four hundred years, so we're still allowed to BURN FOUL WITCHES LIKE **YOU!**"

"Can't burn what you can't CATCH!" Yugi said, and ran for his life.

He got about five feet before kind ol' Ms. Babgan, the postwoman, clotheslined him. "Damn dirty witch!" she spat.

And so Yugi came to be in the situation we first encountered him in.

"What about him! He used evil magic!" Yugi said, motioning at Arkana with his head.

"Oh, Yugi, that was just a silly illusion! All smoke and mirrors! He's not a foul satanic witch like you, sonny!" Mr. Caruthers said jovially, tossing another piece of wood under Yugi's stake.

"Yeah, Yugi!" Arkana said cheerfully, handing Ms. Babgan another log to set under the stake. "Don't try to drag me down in your horrible Satanic witchcraft!" he then started chuckling uncontrollably. "Man, this has got to be the best thing that has ever happened!"

"Dammit, I am NOT a satanic witch! I'm not even a NON-satanic witch! I'm not a witch! My magic flows from the ancient forces of the pharaoh Yami, a great and mighty ruler from… from… well, somewhere between 3,000-5,000 years ago. And now, I hold his mighty spirit in the puzzle that hangs from my neck! And with this spirit, I hold the responsibility to protect the world from darkness and horror!" Yugi said dramatically.

"Well Yugi, that certainly is interesting." Mayor Bob admitted.

Yugi sighed in relief. "Thank God. I'm so glad you…"

"However, you have to understand that we can't possibly believe a word you say, what with you being a servant of Satan, prince of all liars and lord of evil. Hey, does anyone have any paper we can use as kindling?"

"God, I hate you guys." Yugi said.

* * *

"Odion… I've decided I need to get more 'hands on' with this whole 'cards' thing." Malik said suddenly. 

"Sir, I've been telling you to do that for hours."

"Yes, a true ruler has to be willing to get his hands dirty!" Malik said, as though Odion hadn't spoken. "The only way I'm going to be getting those Egyptian God Cards, and through them my goal of ultimate power and the return of 'Drew Carey's Green Screen'…"

_-Oh, you're really scraping the bottom of the barrel now, pal.- _Yami Malik thought.

Odion grimaced. "And I thought your LAST show was bad…"

"AS I WAS SAYING. It's past time I entered Battle City, pitting my unstoppable powers against those of the other God cards, claiming them as my own! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

"Sir, I've already told you that you should be the one dueling instead of me. I said this to your face. I know you heard me. You may not have been LISTENING, but you heard me. You, you heard me, didn't you?" Odion asked the Millennium Rod.

-_Loud and clear, big guy. But then, I'm the SMART one.- _Yami Malik thought.

"… I'm talking to a golden stick. You have me talking to a stick." Odion said sadly. "I hate you, sir."

Malik looked at his watch. "About 5:30."

"… … … WOULD IT KILL YOU TO LISTEN TO ME FOR FIVE SECONDS?!"

"Hey, look! An ugly guy! Maybe he has some cards!" Malik said gleefully. He started walking toward the ugly guy.

"Sir, that's not a person. That's a swarm of insects!"

"Suuuuuuuure, Odion. You can have some ice cream in a little while." Malik said consolingly.

"Sir, LISTEN TO THE WORDS I AM SAYING. THAT IS NOT A PERSON. IT IS A TIGHTLY-GROUPED SWARM OF INSECTS, PROBABLY SOME KIND OF BEE. IF YOU GO OVER THERE, WE'RE GOING TO END UP RUNNING FOR OUR LIVES. DON'T GO."

"Geez, Odion, we can't have ice cream until after dinner, you know that." Malik said.

"… DAMMIT SIR, WHY DO YOU NEVER LISTEN?!"

"Oh, I know! Tom Clancy IS a great author."

"… I hate you, sir," Odion sighed, as Malik went over to challenge the swarm of insects for their cards.

* * *

"Okay, does anybody have any matches?" Mayor Bob asked. 

"Oh for the love of… Look, I'm asking you very politely, PLEASE DON'T BURN ME TO ASHES WITH FIRE. I'm not a witch, or a sorcerer, or a Satanist, or any combination of the three. If I were, wouldn't I escape?" Yugi pleaded.

"Oh, Yugi, please don't try to confuse us with your witch-logic. We all know that our justice and righteousness protects us from your Satanic magics. It's common sense!" Mr. McGullicuty said, as though it were the most obvious thing in the world.

"**I… DON'T… HAVE… ANY… SATANIC… MAGIC!**" Yugi roared. "**AND _NOTHING_ ABOUT THIS IS COMMON SENSE!**"

"Hey, I found a cigarette lighter! We can use that to start the terrible fires of justice!" Mr. McGullicuty said.

_:SIGH:. I guess this is where it all ends. Grandpa, I'm sorry I didn't spend more time with you. Joey, I'm sorry that you got caught up in chicken mafia. Tea, I'm sorry that I never dated you…_

_-I'm not sorry. Made it a LOOOOOOOT easier to slam her.-_

_YAMI, I'm sorry I ever put together your #(&_$ _puzzle._

_-Ooh, touchy.-_

_SHOVE IT. Tristan, I'm… I'm… I hope you die._

_-Ditto.-_

_Yami, I realize we've had our differences…but it's nice to know that we'll die in agreement. _

_-Oh, speak for yourself. I'm going to survive as long as someone else eventually puts on the puzzle. Well, as long as they aren't powerful enough to kick out my soul. It's sort of a magic thing.-_

_… … … … … I really hate you sometimes. _

_-I don't know why you're worrying so much. Chances are, since we haven't made it to the finals yet, some mysterious twist of fate will save us right… about… NOW.-_

"STOP RIGHT THERE!" a mysterious voice said, just as the lighter descended to start the fire.

-_Told ya.-_

_

* * *

_

And so Malik began his quest to find more cards.

The results were not quite up to par.

"How was I supposed to know that they didn't have any cards!" Malik shouted, running for his life.

"Sir, they're HORNETS!" Odion shouted, desperately trying to keep ahead of the swarm of stinging insects. "How on EARTH could a SWARM OF HORNETS possibly have any CARDS!"

"From a distance they looked like a very ugly guy!"

"Even so, you didn't have to hit them with a stick!"

"They were being rude!"

"The hell!"

"They wouldn't answer any of my questions!"

"They're freakin' bugs!"

"Even so, they should be polite! OW! RUN FASTER, THEY'RE STARTING TO CATCH UP!"

* * *

"WHAT," Bakura said, "ARE YOU PEOPLE DOING?!" 

"Oh, we're burning this witch." Mr. Caruthers said. "Would you like to help?"

"That's not a witch, that's my friend Yugi!"

"Oh, you poor thing!" Mrs. Caruthers said. "You had no idea that little Yugi was actually Satan's own messenger!"

Bakura raised an eyebrow and turned to stare at Yugi.

Yugi sighed. "They saw me turn into Yami, and they took it very, very poorly. Would you mind getting me down from here, before they burn me and whatnot?"

"I'll see what I can do. PEOPLE OF DOMINO! Gaze upon me, and attain grand knowledge! KNOW that the young lad before you is not a messenger of darkness, but rather the savior of the world entire! Listen now, to my tale!" at this point, Bakura dropped his accent and descended his voice into a register so low it would make your teeth rattle. "Long ago, when the pyramids were still young…"

ONE STORY LATER…

"… and so you see, YUGI is that Pharaoh! Heck, even if he weren't, the whole multiple personality thing doesn't make him a WITCH. Why, even I can do that!" Bakura said, turning into his dark side and back. "See? Yugi is no more a witch than I am!"

Mayor Bob looked awed. "Why… that means… THEY'RE BOTH WITCHES!"

"BURN THE WITCHES!" Everyone else shouted.

"No, no I don't think you quite get it…" Bakura said patiently. "Let me explain again."

Five minutes later…

"Oh, BRILLIANT plan, Einstein," Yugi said to Bakura, who was now roped to the stake with him. "Because obviously, REASON was going to work on people who were BURNING ME AT THE FREAKIN' STAKE!"

"WELL IT'S NOT MY FAULT THESE PEOPLE ARE IN THE BLOODY DARK AGES!" Bakura roared as the locals piled on extra wood to make sure the fire was big enough for two.

* * *

"Alright, Odion. I'm willing to admit that, perhaps, my first attempt at card claiming was not perfect." Malik said. 

"You HIT a hornet nest with a STICK, sir. It couldn't have been LESS perfect."

"Hey, I'm still practicing. Until now, you've been doing all the work… I need to get warmed up! And the only way to do that is keep on truckin'! Onto the next target!" Malik proclaimed grandiosely. He then ran out to the street, grabbed an old woman, and started shaking her. "DO YOU HAVE ANY CARDS?!" He screamed repeatedly.

"Oh, sweet Ra…" Odion said.

-_It's times like these that make me happy I'm trapped in a stick.- _Yami Malik thought.

"No, no! Don't scream! I need your cards to get _Firefly _put back on the air!"

-_Huh. You know, I actually kinda liked that one.-_

Ten minutes later…

"I can't believe lady Isis had to bail us out of jail twice in one week." Odion grumbled.

"How was I supposed to know that hitting an old lady with a metal club was against the law?" Malik asked.

"It's called 'common sense', sir."

"I don't understand the bright, scary laws of the outside world. I was raised in a very sheltered environment!"

"Sir, that excuse might have worked when you were THREE. Now, however… not so much."

"In the darkness of the Tomb Keeper clan, I was cut off from the outside world and all the things I truly wanted! I desired nothing less than a bright life filled with happiness and joy, yet all I received was shadows and despair!"

"Oh, not this again…" Odion groaned. "Sir, the last time you started on one of these whining tangents, you didn't stop for three hours. Let's just cut to the chase. You had a crappy childhood. LIVE WITH IT. You wanna conquer the world? I don't have a problem with that, as long as you do it without whining like a little four year old who just lost his favorite toy. So let's get up, dust ourselves off, and get you those cards!" Odion said.

"Wow… thanks, man! I feel… I feel great! This incredible confidence is just surging through me! This is the best thing that has ever happened! Nothing will be derailing me this time… no, from now on, Malik is cool, confident, and collected! It's only a matter of time now, until I get everything I ever wanted! And NOTHING will stop me!"

"WITCH!" Someone shouted.

"Huh?" Malik asked.

Harley the Street Mime pointed at Malik and screamed "He's got a golden item emblazoned with the evil eye of Satan, just like the other two! Take him to the town square for the burning!"

"… … … … … … … … Huh?" Malik asked again.

Five Minutes Later…

"SON OF A BITCH!" Malik shouted, strapped to the stake with Yugi and Bakura.

"Oh, Hi, Malik. How've you been?" Yugi asked.

"We've been better, ourselves." Bakura said, rather unnecessarily.

"Hey, Odion! How've you been?" Arkana asked.

"… … … … I've spent the last several weeks running from the law in seedy hotels with Malik. How do you think I've been?" Odion asked, grabbing a handful from the other man's popcorn tub.

"OUCH. But hey, I've had to put up with our replacement boss. She's… well… I kinda miss the little psycho. At least he TRIED, y'know?"

"So, are we going to do anything? Save those guys from being burned?"

"Wasn't planning on it personally." Arkana admitted.

"I really SHOULD, but… it just seems like a lot of work." Odion said in reply.

"SO MUCH FOR EMPLOYEE LOYALTY!" Malik shouted, as the good people of Domino prepared, for the third time, to burn the witches.

"So… um… anyone have any ideas?" Yugi asked slowly.

"What I want to know is, where is our closely knit support unit of friends and family?"

Meanwhile, in the park…

"Yay, Joey!" Tea cheered, as Joey launched his final attack against Weevil.

"I have to admit, Joseph, you've grown into a great duelist!" Grandpa said, a glimmer of pride in his eye.

"Allllll right!" Joey screamed. "Man, I'm rockin' this tournament! I wonder how Yugi's doin'?"

"Who's Yugi?" Tea asked.

Meanwhile, in the Hospital…

"Dammit Tristan, could you stop looking at puppy websites for FIVE SECONDS!" Serenity shrieked.

"Hee, hee… Puppies!"

Meanwhile, in a local bar…

"So I said to myself, I said… 'Mai, you're totally fired'. And then, Steve…"

"Mokuba." Mokuba corrected, for what seemed like the fiftieth time in ten minutes.

"… I said, 'that Mai is STEALIN' stuff! We need to fire her ass!' And then I DID! God, I love being businesslike, don't you, Mai?" Kaiba said, polishing off his fifteenth shot of whiskey. His fifteenth shot in the past ten minutes.

"Oooooh, that businesslike attitude is just CooooooooooooooooOOOOOOOOOOooooooool!" Mai said, swaying lightly back and forth. Four bottles of an unknown substance that smelled like paint thinner were emptied before her.

"Man, I hate being the designated driver…" Mokuba grumbled.

"Oh, Steve, you're such a character!" Kaiba chuckled. "Oops, inner Yugi's acting up again!" He took out a needle of Prozac, hesitated, and threw it away. "Aw, screw it! Have a drink, Inner Yugi!"

((_Don't mind if I do!)) _Inner Yugi said, taking a shot of vodka. ((_Oh, and have I mentioned recently that your face looks like you were mauled by a pack of screaming velociraptors?))_

"Oh, that Inner Yugi." Kaiba chuckled. "Sometimes, he can be so funny that I forget why blue is who the wind kicks my Francis. Did you get all that, Steve?"

"Dammit, Seto…"

"I love roast beef!" Mai proclaimed suddenly, and passed out.

Back at the Burning Stake…

"Man, our close-knit unit SUCKS." Malik said, looking on as Odion and Arkana got shared their popcorn with the burning mob.

"I do have to admit, I was really hoping for a more concerted rescue effort." Yugi said.

"I was hoping for ANY rescue effort!" Bakura moaned. "I can't believe that NOBODY is going to help us here!"

"Hey… um… I just had a thought." Malik said softly.

"What?"

"… It's going to sound really, really bad. When I tell you this, you're both going to feel like complete morons."

"What is it?" Bakura asked again.

"No, I mean it. You'll both get really angry, and you'll feel like total idiots for a long time."

"What IS it!" Yugi demanded.

"Okay, okay… why don't we–­­and this is just a thought, mind you–use our horrible powers of destruction… to maybe escape?" Malik said simply.

There was absolute, total silence for several seconds.

"God, we are such MORONS." Yugi moaned.

"I… don't know. These people are misguided, certainly, but do we have any right to just destrALL RIGHT! BLOOD AND GUTS!" Evil Bakura roared, taking over in mid-speech. The ropes binding them burned away, and he began to hurl horrible bolts of dark energy into the screaming, frightened crowd.

Malik shrugged. "When in Rome, do as the maniacs do." he said, then he picked up his Rod and joined in the energy beaming.

Yugi just stood there, watching as beautiful uptown Domino burned down and two white-haired lunatics hurled blazing death at the would-be witch burners. "Well… well… this isn't going to help my reputation." Then the puzzle glowed, and Yami emerged. "Unleeeeeeeeeess, we don't leave any witnesses!" the Pharaoh said, joining in.

_YAMI! WHAT THE HELL! _

_-Hey, I've got a rep to protect! If people find out I vaporized a crowd, then there goes our good name! The only way out is to make sure that nobody gets away to talk about it!-_

_Okay, that's Bakura-logic right there._

_-WHEN IN ROME, BABY! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!-_

… … … _I think too much blood got to our brain when we were hanging on that stake. _Yugi thought.

"LET ALL WHO OPPOSE ME TREMBLE IN FEAR!" Evil Bakura roared.


	16. Chapter Fourteen

Chapter 14: Quests of intermediate importance!

Yami looked around the pile of former witch-burners. "Well, that didn't turn out too badly. Oh, it didn't turn out GREAT, but it didn't turn out that badly."

_Yami, you murdered a crowd!_

_-No, I murdered one-third of a crowd. Get it right, okay?-_

"Oh, that was SO cathartic." Evil Bakura sighed. "It's been… almost a week since I slaughtered fools! I was starting to forget how much fun it is!"

"Odion. Arkana." Malik said dangerously. "WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT! Why didn't you save me! What kind of servants ARE you!"

"Actually, I don't work for you anymore." Arkana pointed out.

"Point taken. _ODION_?"

"Sir, I could tell you why I didn't get you off that stake. I could give you a long, detailed explanation on the subject, explaining several intelligent and irrefutable reasons for my actions. But let's be frank: you're not going to listen to me, no matter what I say. So I'll just say 'pickle', and leave it at that."

"No, I don't really like sauerkraut. I'll just have ketchup on my hot dog."

"… … … … … … … … … … … why do I even bother?"

"So. Arkana. Before we were so rudely interrupted…" Yami said hopefully.

Arkana shrugged and threw Yami a locator card. "Aw, just take it. It occurred to me that if I won, it would benefit my new boss. And GOD, do I hate her."

Tears filled Yami's eyes. "But… I… we… you… card… WE WERE GONNA DUEL!" He protested.

"Meh. Anyone hungry?"

"Oh, can we have pie?" Malik asked joyfully.

"I… I… I… I…I…I…I… I already ate lunch." Yami sighed.

"Well, there's always room for pie! Particularly after murder!" Evil Bakura said cheerfully. Then a monkey leapt off a nearby building onto his head.

"OH MY GOD IT HAS MY HAIR!" He screamed.

"… … … … … … … you know, sometimes I wonder where that monkey came from." Yami said thoughtfully.

* * *

"So I was thinkin' Tea… that's YOU, by the way…" Joey began. 

"OH! MY NAME IS TEA! HOW WONDERFUL!"

"That maybe, I oughta take a few minutes off to go say 'hi' ta Serenity. Y'know, touch base? I got four cards already, and who knows what could set her off? It's probably a good idea to just check in wit' her every now an' again. ESPECIALLY wit' Tristan there…"

"Joey, Tristan is a decent, honorable boy. He would NEVER do anything inappropriate to your darling little sister!" Grandpa Motoh chided.

"I wasn't worried about HER. I was worried he did somethin' stupid, and SHE was gonna hurt HIM."

"Oh. Well, in that case, he's probably dead by now."

Meanwhile, at the Hospital…

Serenity stood over Tristan, her bedsheet wrapped around his neck in a makeshift noose. Several doctors and nurses desperately tried to wrestle her off him.

"HOW DO THOSE PUPPIES LOOK **NOW, **YOU LITTLE _#(&_$!" She screamed.

"GACK!" Tristan said.

Back at Joey….

"On da other hand… I told him not to go there, so if he dies it's really his own problem. Not ta mention he's the one who built that freakin' robot that shot me in the eyes wit' alcohol. So, it's time to kick this back inta high gear! On, ta the finals! Let's go find daddy some cards! C'mon, Tea!" Joey proclaimed.

Silence.

"… … :SIGH:. YOU!" He shouted, pointing at Tea.

"OH! My name is TEA!"

* * *

"I… feel… like… cow." Kaiba said, groggily. 

"GEEZ!" Mokuba said, startled. "How'd you wake up so fast! You drunk enough to put you out for a week!"

"Oh… ow… Mokuba, you and I both know that my tolerance to alcohol far outstrips a normal human's. Why, it's only been an hour and I'm already at 'hangover'. Soon I'll be… ah… all better!" Kaiba said cheerily. "Where's ex-vice-president Mai?"

"Oh, she already had enough locator cards, so I just called a chopper to airlift her to the finals. Maybe she'll have woken up by then, but most likely, we'll just have to pay some guy to dress up in whore-wear and call himself 'Mai'."

"… Should I be worried that your first solution is to hire a drag queen?"

"Should **I** be worried that you set this entire tournament up to commit homicide?" Mokuba countered.

"What's wrong with homicide? It's always been a perfectly acceptable way to solve my problems."

"Seto, murder isn't ACCEPTABLE!"

"Nobody has ever complained before."

"… … … …that's because you've never been caught."

"And your point?"

"It's totally impossible to reason with you, isn't it?"

"It is when you don't make any sense! I mean, honestly. 'Murder is bad'? Since when?"

"Seto, when are you going to recognize that just because Grandpa Kaiba told you something, doesn't mean it's true?"

"But Grandpa Kaiba taught me so many necessary skills! Lying, cheating, stealing, how to depose father… man, he was a great old guy. Makes me feel bad that I had to have him framed for something I did and shipped to Siberian prison camp by the Russian Secret Service…"

"Y'know, Seto, every time I think that one of the other various psychos in our lives is the biggest, most unimaginable bastard I've ever met… you go and open your mouth, and prove me totally wrong." Mokuba said appreciatively.

"Why, thank you!" Seto said cheerfully.

_-Don't listen to him. You're the WORST villain of all time! Even Pegasus is better than you! AND you're ugly!- _Inner Yugi said.

_Oh, crap. You're back?_

_-Yup! I was really, really drunk, but then I remembered 'Hey, I can't get drunk! I'm not real!' Have I told you lately how much I love loud, annoying polka music?- _Inner Yugi said gleefully, turning up an imaginary stereo that began blaring imaginary polka into Kaiba's brain.

_God, I hate you so very, very much…_

_-I know! But what are you going to do about it?-_

_I'm gonna jack myself up with… with…NO!_

"MOKUBA! WHERE THE HELL IS MY PROZAC!"

"Alright… I admit it. I took the last of it. I just… I just couldn't stand your drunken ranting anymore! I'm sorry, I just didn't want to be trapped alone in a room with an intoxicated you, and no way of blocking out what I like to call the 'idiot waves' you emanate when you have too much alcohol in your system. So I took the Prozac, so I wouldn't have to listen to you JABBER anymore!" Mokuba burst.

"Mokuba… no… how could you! Out of everyone, I never imagined you would be the one to betray me like… like… no. You didn't know. It's not your fault. But this situation MUST be rectified, and you have to help me do it! I can't trust KaibaCorp. with a task this important… knowing the average level of intelligence at my company, I'd end up injecting myself with a syringe of bleach. No, only we, of pure Kaiba blood…"

"Seto, I, at least, am adopted. And judging by the convoluted nature of your life story, the fact that Gozaburo liked his whiskey, and your own admission that KaibaCorp. employees tend to be of somewhat limited competence, chances are YOU are adopted too, no matter what you say."

"No, no. I happen to know for certain that I was just abandoned at birth and then re-adopted! You should consider yourself lucky that I decided to bring you with me!"

"… … … … Seto, if you really find THAT more comforting than being adopted, I have to worry about you. Besides, my POINT is that chances are, Gozaburo re-adopted the wrong kid! There's probably a real little Kaiba out there who got left at the orphanage."

-_HA! Your whole life has been a stinking lie!- _Inner Yugi crowed.

"Oh, whatever. Now, as I was saying, WE, who are least possibly a little bit Kaiba by virtue of the fact that all humans are descended from the same original genetic stock, must embark upon a great quest! THE QUEST FOR MORE PROZAC!"

"Oh, la dee da. Don't you have a tournament?"

"Mokuba, I'm the guy who PRINTS the cards you need to win. I could get into the finals if I spent a week stabbing myself in the foot with a fork. Now, ONWARD TO ADVENTURE, LIEUTENANT MOKUBA!"

"But…"

"ONWARD!"

"BUT…"

"NOW, LIEUTENANT!"

"Dammit, Seto…"

"AHEM!"

"Oh, for the love of… Dammit, GENERAL Seto."

"That's better. Keep this up, and a promotion might be in the works!" Seto said, wandering off in a seemingly random direction.

Mokuba stood there, watching his big brother walk off into the distance. Then he pulled a cell phone out of his pocket, dialed a number, and said into the receiver, "Hello, Mary? Yeah, could you go into Seto's desk, grab his spare credit cards, and buy about a million shares of stock in… … y'know, use your own discretion. Just try to pick a company that has 'idiot' in its name, if you could. Thanks, hun. See ya for lunch next week! Ciao!" Mokuba hung up, smirked wickedly, and set off after Kaiba.

* * *

In the Domino Aquarium, Mako Tsunami gleefully swam with the gentle whales, playing with them as they cavorted to and fro. The aquarium keeper walked into the tank, smiling gently… and then turned white as a sheet. 

"WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING, YOU IDIOT! THOSE ARE THE MAN-EATING JAMAICAN DEVIL SHARKS!" She roared.

"… … What?" Mako asked, voice wavering.

"YOU HEARD ME! THEY'RE JAMAICAN DEVIL SHARKS! THEY ATTRACT HUMANS BY ACTING LIKE FRIENDLY WHALES, THEN RIP THEM TO SHREDS WITH THEIR POWERFUL JAWS!"

"… … … … … … … … … … … … Oh."

The two 'whales' turned to Mako and opened their mouths to reveal rows upon rows of razor teeth.

Ten minutes, a good deal of thrashing and screaming, and about two-hundred stitches later…

"You know, you really should have a sign up that says 'Don't swim with these whales, they're actually man-eating sharks'." Mako said sullenly.

"Actually, the sign that says 'Don't swim in the specimen tanks' is sort of a catch-all for these situations." The keeper said. "At least, it is for people who aren't STUPID." She then coughed a little bit.

"Oh, my God! You're deathly ill!"

"Oh, it's really just a bit of a cold…"

"You could be DYING! You shouldn't be out here!"

"No, really, it's noth-"

"Say no more! I can take care of these fish for you, you get some rest!"

"But YOU'RE the one who was almost eaten by a shark!"

"Not a problem, not a problem, it's what I live for!" Mako said cheerily, ignoring her completely.

"But… you… I… we…"

Mako looked around to make sure nobody was watching, then hit her in the head. She fell to the ground unconscious. "Oh no! She's fainted! I'll just have to run the aquarium for the day! Darn."

* * *

The Ballad of The Kaiba Brothers: The Quest for More Prozac (Part The First: In Which the Quest Begins) 

_Oh, bravely did the Kaibas, _

_Set out across the land!_

_Prozac lay before them,_

_With danger hand-in-hand!_

_First they came upon a bridge_

_And faced a fearsome knight!_

_He declared they would not pass_

_And struck with vicious might!_

_But Seto was too clever,_

_He dodged and danced away!_

_And then he drew his mighty sword_

_The villain he did slay!_

_Next they found a tower,_

_A wizard lay within!_

_He cast his evil spells upon them,  
It seemed they could not win._

_But the Kaibas they were mighty_

_And struck back at the knave!_

_And thanks to Mokuba's magic staff_

_Their own lives they did save!_

_Kaiba! Kai, kai, Kaiba!_

* * *

"Mako! I CHALLENGE YOU TO A DUEL!" Joey roared, sprinting into the aquarium where the Sea Master was putting on a show with the resident whales. 

"NOOOO! WHEELER, NOT SO CLOSE TO THAT TANK!" Mako screamed.

"What, whOH MY GOD!" Joey screamed as the clever Jamaican devil shark latched onto his leg and dragged him into the water.

"Crap." Mako said.

* * *

Yugi felt a deathly chill down his spine. 

-_Yugi! I feel a dark presence!- _Yami said urgently.

_I know, Yami. It must be another Rare Hunter!_ Bracing for battle, the young boy and the Pharaoh prepared themselves for whatever horror the forces of darkness choose to send their way.

Materializing, seemingly from Shadow, arose the dark and mysterious Strings, a vicious servant of evil. Though he himself never spoke, he served as a powerful vessel for his dark, evil Master.

"So, villain, you've elected to show yourself! Well, know that we shall not be easy prey, Hunter! Prepare to face utter defeat!" Yami taunted.

Strings didn't say or do anything.

"Um… hello? Pre-duel banter? We're mocking and threatening each other here!"

Strings didn't say or do anything.

"… … … … … Right. No Marik. You don't have an evil master telling you what to do, huh?"

Strings didn't say or do anything.

"Sooooo… you're not going to duel me, are you?"

Strings didn't say or do anything.

"I'm just gonna take your Egyptian God Card… Egyptian God Card… Egyptian God Card… and your locator, and leave, okay?"

Strings didn't say or do anything.

"Yeah, that's about what I thought." Yami said sadly, taking the cards and walking away. "Bye."

Strings didn't say or do anything.

* * *

The Ballad of The Kaiba Brothers: The Quest for More Prozac (Part The Second: In Which the Evil Emerges) 

_Their quest was just beginning,_

_Much peril lay ahead!_

_They fought the trolls of evil,_

_And slew the bears of dread! _

_But their quest was closely watched,_

_By evils dark and true!_

_The horrid Dragon of Darkness_

_To eat them both he flew!_

_Sir Seto swung his mighty blade,_

_Mokuba cast his spells!_

_But the Dragon's fire,_

_Burned hotter than the hells!_

_Mokuba was consumed with fear,_

_His first thought was to run, _

_But Seto caught his brother's sleeve,_

_Said 'our quest will soon be done!'_

'_The dragon has the Prozac!_

_The treasure that we seek!_

_But we shall never claim it,_

_If cowardly and weak!'_

'_We must stand strong, and face all odds,_

_The dragon we must slay!_

_We shall strike this evil down,_

_Win Prozac and the day!'_

_Kaiba, Kai, Kai, Kaiba!_

_

* * *

_

"So I was saying to Kaiba… I was sayin'… I was sayin'… YOU SUCK!" Yami blurted out, then started laughing. "Wait, wait, wait, that's not how I said it. But I said it SO COOL! Bartender, another round!"

"WHOO HOO!" Mai shouted, jumping on the table and starting to do the Can-Can. After being airlifted to the finals, Mai had sobered up enough to realize she wasn't finished drinking, and wandered back to the bar.

"YEAH! FREE SHOW! Screw duelin', I'm starting to like these free victories!" Yami said raucously. "BARTENDER! A ROUND FOR EVERYBODY! Put it on the tab of the guy with the Kick-ASS egypchon… egyptican… CARD!"

Then he passed out.

_Great. He gets drunk, and I'm the one who's gonna be stuck with a hangover in the morning. _Yugi thought bitterly.

* * *

Nori Kashimata, cutting-edge lawyer, slammed down her briefcase. "Your honor, my client was brutally mauled by a vicious Jamaican Devil Shark, while under the supervision of the defendant. Multiple witnesses attest to the fact this young man," she motioned to Mako, in the defendant's box "Failed to provide adequate security measures in the aquarium, in fact assaulting the director in order to usurp her position for entertainment! Your honor, I find this to be an open and shut case." 

The judge frowned thoughtfully. "Well, ordinarily, I would require something more than your opening argument. But since the plaintiff is suing for some stupid cards, and the defendant has, for some reason, chosen a sea bass to be his lawyer… I'm just going to find in favor of Mr. Wheeler."

"AWRIGHT!" Joey, wrapped in bandages and casts, cheered. "Two locator cards, and all it took was nearly losing my leg!"

Mako turned to his sea bass lawyer. "Fat lot of good you were!"

"Mr. Tsunami, that fish is dead. You've taken it out of the water." The judge said.

"Well, of course. Why would I have a **LIVE **fish for my lawyer? That would be crazy."

"… … … have you ever been told that you're a horrifying young man?"

* * *

_The Ballad of the Kaiba Brothers: The Quest for More Prozac (Part the Third: In which the Evil is vanquished, and the Prozac recovered.)_

_Oh Kaiba swung his mighty blade, _

_Mokuba his magic flung!_

_And though the dragon was horrific_

"Would you stop this stupidity already?" Mokuba roared at the author.

But… but… Kaiba was just about to save the princess from the evil dragon!

"Princess? There was no Princess! We were after Prozac! And I'm not a wizard!"

Sure you are! And you were just about to save the space aliens!

"I thought we were trying to save the princess?"

Dude, there IS no princess. The Aliens are being kept prisoner by the horrible Dreadlord of Zabrok X, and­–

"Even you have no idea where this is going, do you?"

Sure I do! It's gonna culminate in a fantastic three-way battle between Mokaiba (The Superpowerful fused version of Kaiba and Mokuba), the Dragon, who's actually the reincarnated spirit of an evil Emperor, and the Horrible Dreadlord! This battle will be _EPIC. _And it will take place in _SPACE. _And…

"Stop. Just… just stop. You're an idiot. And that song? Sucked."

But… but… but… but… but… but… but… but… but…

"Just tell the people what really happened."

Sigh… alright.

_The Ballad of the Kaiba Brothers: The Quest for More Prozac (What actually happened)._

Kaiba broke into a drugstore, found some Prozac, and injected himself with it until he passed out in the street. He then had some weird seizures from O.D'ing. Fortunately, his ridiculous tolerance to foreign chemicals prevented any serious brain damage.

Happy now, ya little twerp?

"Very." Mokuba said cheerfully.

* * *

In a dark and horrible castle on the edges of time and space, a malevolent evil presence listened to the report of his greatest lieutenant, the horrific demon T'R'as'trax. 

"**IS THIS TRUE?**" The evil creature inquired.

"It is indeed, my dread lord. My dark spies have confirmed it. The great Warrior Queen, legendary hero of time and space, chosen ultimate master of the Millenium Star, Alicia Perfectia, has been slain!" T'R'as'trax hissed wickedly.

"**FANTASTIC! NOW THAT MY ONLY TRUE RIVAL FOR POWER HAS BEEN KILLED, I SHALL CONQUER THE MORTAL REALM AND TRANSFORM EARTH INTO NOTHING MORE THAN AN EXTENSION OF MY DARK, HIDEOUS DIMENSION OF TORMENT! FOR WITHOUT ALICIA PERFECTIA, THERE IS NO POWER THAT CAN STAND AGAINST ME, THE HORRIFIC DARK LORD _ZOD!_**

**"PREPARE MY LEGIONS FOR BATTLE, MY SERVANT. FOR SOON, WE STRIKE!"**


	17. Chapter Fifteen

Chapter 15: Masks

The Queen of the Rare Hunters drew her head back and slammed it into the wall. ::THUNK::

"WHY, WHY, WHY, are all of my servants TOTAL _#(&_$ MORONS?" She roared. "Oh, by the way, did you all watch three hours of 'Teletubbies' and have a hearty dinner of pixie sticks?"

"WHEEEEEEEEEEE! YUM YUM!" A Rare Hunter shrieked, running in circles around the room. Then he collapsed and started flopping around on the floor, clutching his chest.

"I'll take that as a 'yes'. Well, I may have lost one of my Egyptian God Cards, and my minions may have not so much 'destroyed Yugi and reclaimed my artifact' as 'totally not done anything at all', but there's nothing to do but move forward. Nobody conquered the world by giving up easily! Why, just look at every villain in every comic book ever made! They NEVER surrender, no matter how many times they get horribly dominated and crushed and… okay, that's a bad example, but the principle is sound. Now, Vincent, how many Rare Hunters do I have left?"

"Um… your majesty… I'm Charlie. You had Vincent executed for looking at you too hard."

"Oh. Well, you're the new Vincent, now. So, Vincent, how many Rare Hunters do I have left?"

"Well… me. Bob, over there, who's having a heart attack. And Umbra and Lumis."

"… You're telling me I have THREE minions left?"

"Well, four until Bob bites it."

"… and you're not worried that I'm going to have you executed for bringing me bad news?"

"You had the executioners executed for not executing fast enough. So no, I'm not worried."

"Crap."

"Y'know what? I'm going to go home, maybe become a dentist like my mom wanted. Bye."

"… crap, again." The Queen said as Vincent left. "Okay. I think it's time for me to get personally involved, here. UMBRA! LUMIS!" she roared.

"They already left!" Vincent shouted from the next room.

"DAMMIT! WHERE'D THEY GO!"

"DOMINO!"

"WHY?"

"YOU **TOLD **THEM TO! YOU'RE NOT VERY GOOD AT THIS EVIL THING, ARE YOU?"

"WELL… NO! I'M NEW AT IT, ADMITTEDLY! BUT STILL, I'M TRYING! DOESN'T THAT COUNT?"

"NOT REALLY! BYE!" the newly re-named Vincent said, going off to dentist school.

"Okay. I'll… I'll call them. I've got a phone. And THEN, I shall unearth my great Egyptian God Card which… I don't have. Crap, that little twit Malik took my Ra card! Nuts. Well, maybe I can get a cheapo fake one, use it to intimidate people. In any case, it's time to pack up the ol' sarcophagus and get going!" she said, grabbing the giant coffin and tugging on it.

It didn't move.

"Um… well, transportation COULD be a problem. Better go find that phone, first."

* * *

"Yeah… uh-huh… okay, sure. Got it." Umbra said into the phone. "Well, Lumis, it seems our esteemed Queen wants us to, and I quote, 'watch the Care Bears so that we may seek inspiration on a totally groovy plot to get her artifact back'." 

"Uh-huh." Lumis said. "Kidnap Mokuba, kidnap various friends for brainwashing purposes, lure everyone into a big battle on top of a glass ceiling for their cards, kill the losers?"

"That's what we usually do in these situations."

"… which, when you think about it, makes me really glad we've never lost."

"You may have a point there. Maybe we should drop that 'death to the loser' thing?"

"HEY! I didn't say that. We HAVE to kill the people we beat at cards. It DEFINES us!"

"But…"

"DEFINES!"

"I… ya know what, I don't even care. Let's just get kidnapping."

* * *

"So, Steve, as I was saying, I really enjoy pineapple milkshakes." Kaiba said solemnly. 

"Seto, for the LAST _#(&_$ time, my name is NOT StWHOA!" he shouted as a hook descended from a passing helicopter and kidnapped him.

"Well I know THAT. Stwhoa isn' even a word, Steve! Man, you're such a character…"

* * *

A girl who may or may not have been named Tea was skipping merrily down the street. Humming a happy song about friendship, she offered a cheerful smile and a happy greeting to everyone she passed by. And then, as she continued her happy jaunt down the road to happiness, she encountered a cardboard sign. Ordinarily, such a sign would not terribly interest her, but this one was special. It read 'FREE FRIENDSHIP, THIS WAY. (Not a Trap)'. 

"OH, I LOOOOOOOOOOOVE FRIENDSHIP!" she squealed, following the arrow on the sign… right into huge, plainly visible cage. "Hey, there's no friendship in here!" she complained.

A few minutes later Joey, in his wheelchair and still nursing his shark wounds, rolled up the hill panting. "Tea… what… the… Hell? You were s'posed to be helpin' me! Hey, whadda we have here!" Joey said, seeing a sign saying 'FREE MONEY, THIS WAY. (Not a Trap).'.

I think you can guess where he went.

Umbra watched Joey enter the cage, and shook his head sadly. "Y'know, that was just the tiniest bit too easy."

* * *

"YUGIIIIIIIIIIIIIII!" Kaiba roared. "Return Steve, NOW!" 

"… … … who?" Yugi said groggily, waking up with a monstrous headache.

"YOU KNOW WHO!"

"No, really, no idea who Steve is. Stop shouting."

"STEVE! Y'know, my pet monkey with the kick-ass magical powers?"

"… huh?"

"Oh, Steve has astonishing powers. He can cast fire and lightning from his fingers, and speak human languages with his monkey tongue, and when travelling in public he takes the shape of a mortal child with spiky hair. Steve is my most trusted advisor. Advisor. AD-vi-SOR. God, that's a fun word!"

"Have you been taking psychoactive drugs of some kind?"

"What?" Kaiba said, his eyes quite suddenly shifting to focus in two directions at once. "Whoa!"

"Drugs! Taking! YOU!"

"You mean, have I been injecting mind-drugs into my own self body arm?"

"YES!"

"A little bit, yeah."

"Well, that does explain quite a bit. Next question… do you have anything that'll suck the agony out of this hangover Yami saddled me with?"

Without a word, Kaiba pulled a needle of prozac out of his coat pocket and injected it into Yugi's neck.

"Ooooooooh, STEVE! I remember Steve! He's a funny monkey-boy!" Yugi giggled. "Nope, I haven't seen Steve since the elephants had a tea party!"

"Aw, that long?" Kaiba moaned. "I'll NEVER find him!"

* * *

Joey awoke in the darkness, tied to a chair. "What's goin' on? Where's Tea? 

"Hee, hee, hee… I am the heart of darkness and evil, Mr. Wheeler. Welcome to my lair…" A female voice said.

"Oh, no… you must be the dark maste' of the Rare Hunters!" Joey said, terror-stricken.

"Indeed, my young friend! Indeed I am. I am the ultimate manifestation of Darkness and Destruction, a master of terror. I have MANY questions to ask you… for starters, have you recently, in your Battle City experiences, have you encountered an ancient, Rune-covered sarcophagus?"

"Noooooooo… why?"

"Each of the five coffins hold a crucial piece of an ancient artifact, a weapon that shall grant me limitless power and control over the minds of others. I possess the first, and one each is held by Yugi, Kaiba, and Bakura. I know not where the fifth piece is. Have you, by any chance, encountered it?"

"Um… nope."

"… Well, crap! Who else could have it, HUH? I mean, it's not like there are that many 'special' people to go around, here! I swear…"

"… Did ya try Malik?"

Silence.

Meanwhile, at Malik…

"Now, what am I going to do with this?" Malik asked, looking at the giant coffin that had fallen out of the sky in front of him addressed, 'To Malik'.

"OH GOD IT CRUSHED MY LEG!" Odion screamed.

Back at Joey…

"… Yes. Yes, I looked there. I was… I was just testing you. Evilly."

"Sure ya were."

"Okay, okay, who was testing who is beside the point." The Queen said. "The real reason I brought you here is for brainwashing, in any case."

"Really? But… um… how?"

"With my Millenium Rod!"

"… ya don't have one."

"Yes I do, it's right here!" she said, holding up her empty hand.

"Okay, miss, I want ya to take a look at your 'Millenium Rod'."

"Okay."

"Now, I want you to answer me. Is it a 'rod', or is it 'nothing'?"

"… … … I don't have to answer that."

"C'mon, dear. What is it?"

"… It's… It's nothing." She said softly.

"Good girl."

"Yeah, Malik kinda took the Rod. And Ra. And the only car. And most of the money. And the only servant who didn't suck. … Yeah, he pretty much took everything worth having."

"That's too bad. I'm sorry."

"Aw, it's nice that you say that. Don't worry, I can still brainwash you with five hours of that 'Pokemon' cartoon."

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

* * *

"Soooooo, I said to Steve…" Kaiba began. 

"Oh, what did you say? Huh? I LOVE stories about Steve!" Yugi said anxiously.

"I said, 'Steve, you're a GREAT GUY.'"

"And that's so true! Steve is a GREAT GUY."

"The GREATEST."

"The GREATESTEST."

"Steve is SO cool! Almost as cool as that green giraffe." Kaiba said, pointing to thin air. "I can't IMAGINE how I would have pulled off this tournament without Steve. He is my ANCHOR. Steve keeps me tied DOWN TO EARTH."

"That is SO TRUE."

"I wonder why he keeps telling me his name isn't Steve?"

"Oh, you know Steve. Always Joshin'. And jokin'. And… and… and… my HANDS are really SMALL!" Yugi said, then started laughing. "I love Prozac."

"Isn't it cool?"

"As cool as DEATH?" A cloaked figure said, emerging from a nearby alley. "Yugi Motoh and Seto Kaiba… I have something that belongs to you."

"Is it my Cards?" Kaiba asked, suddenly all business. "Because I know each and every card in this deck by heart, and if even ONE is missing, I will rip your liver out and make you eat it."

"Um… no… not actually. I took… something SLIGHTLY more valuable."

"… so… what, MORE cards?"

"More valuable than cards, dammit!"

"… quit joking around!" Kaiba said, smiling. "I should know, cards are the most important thing in the world. There's nothing more valuable than cards, except 'more cards'. So obviously, you don't really have anything."

"He's got a point." Yugi said helpfully.

"No, no, no! I took from YOU, your little brother Mokuba!" Lumis proclaimed.

"… … … … Who?" Kaiba asked.

"Oh, for the love of… little guy? Kinda femmy? Spiky hair? Wears an orange vest-thing? You LIVE with him!"

"I'm sorry, that doesn't…"

"Kaiba, WAIT!" Yugi broke in. "Would he by chance be a monkey with magical powers?"

"Um… well… I don't think so?"

"HA! Your indecision reveals your bluff! Kaiba, they've kidnapped STEVE!"

"**WHAT? _NO!_**"

"Who?" Lumis asked.

"How DARE you take Steve? I shall not rest until you pay with your worthless life!"

"… Huh?"

"NAME YOUR BATTLEGROUND!" Yugi roared.

"… … …well, whatever works. How about the roof of that building, over there?"

"**_NOW, YE SHALL LEARN THE FOLLY OF STRIKING AGAINST US THROUGH OUR MAGIC MONKEY!" _**Yugi and Kaiba roared in unison.

"… See you there in five minutes." Lumis said slowly, then started walking away. "Freaks." He muttered.

* * *

Five minutes later, when the four duelists had gathered atop the glass ceiling of the nearby building, Lumis and Umbra revealed their sinister scheme. 

"BWAHAHAHAHAHA! Yugi, Kaiba, greetings! Know now that defeating us is the only way for Kaiba's little brother Mokuba…"

"Steve." Kaiba said.

"… what?" Umbra asked.

"Dude, just go with it. It's not worth the headaches to argue with them." Lumis advised.

"Um… okay. Sure. Steve. Defeat us and we'll return Steve. But should you LOSE, the glass beneath you will shatter, casting you down onto the very, very hard floor. And your Egyptian God Cards shall be OURS! BWAHAHAHAAHA!"

"Well, isn't that a little excessive?" Yugi asked. "I mean ALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL RIGHT!" Yami roared. "CAN YOU SMELLLLLLLLL WHAT THE PHARAOH'S COOKIN'? I AM FINALLY IN MY ELEMENT! PREPARE FOR ROCKIN' DUEL BATTLE! And just so we're clear, when you say this is a completely serious, death-to-the-loser duel, you had BETTER MEAN IT. Kay?"

_You really aren't supposed to be so excited about how you might die, Yami. _Yugi thought.

-_SHUT IT, you little bastard! I've been waiting for this moment for almost a solid year! I want to make damn sure that IF I lose, I will die horribly!-_

"Oh, we mean it." Lumis interjected. "And frankly, good riddance."

"No, if we could begin?" Kaiba asked. "I have a tournament to host, a company to run… and a magical talking monkey to rescue."

"Very well. Yugi, you may begin." Umbra said.

"YES! OH, GOD, YES! THAT FEELS SOOOOOOO GOOD! YES, YES BABY!" Yami screamed.

"… Okay, what the Hell is wrong with…"

"Dude, what did I tell you? Just go along with it." Lumis advised.

"I play Beta, the Magnet Warrior! OH YEAH, DUEL ME JUST LIKE THAT! YES, YES, **YES**!"

"Um… yeah. Okay. Me, now." Lumis said. "I lay seventeen cards face down."

Kaiba raised a hand. "Now, I'm not the most lucid guy in the world, but even I know that's against the rules. And how did you even HAVE seventeen cards in your hand?"

"I AM ABOVE THE LAW!" Lumis shrieked. "RULES DO NOT APPLY TO ME!"

"… oh?"

"Yes."

"Well, sure. Why not? I play the Vorse Raider…"

"HA! You've activated all seventeen of my face-down cards!"

"WHAT? NOOOOO!"

"YES! First off, is the mask of Life! It takes the total of everyone's life points, adds the square root of the divisor of the combined total of the monsters on the field, divides by seventeen, translates it all into binary code, and adds the number to my life points after multiplying it by zero, adding nil, and subtracting negative .0!"

"But… that's just zero. That card didn't do anything. Anything multiplied by zero is zero. That was a waste of two solid minutes while you explained NOTHING." Kaiba said.

"HA! Indeed, you seem to have realized our strategy! Every card in BOTH our decks is a mask card with a description that takes several minutes to read! We bore our opponents into submission!"

"WHAT? That is the stupidest thing I've EVER HEARD! It'll never work!" Yami said incredulously.

"Really? Consider that just one card took two minutes to read… and I have SIXTEEN MORE to go. Now consider that the 'Mask of Life' was by FAR the least boring card in my deck."

Yami and Kaiba gulped nervously.

"Next up is the Mask of Unnecessary Exposition! When played, this card reads an entire issue of _The Wall Street Journal…_"

One hour and thirteen minutes later…

"… and finally, the Mask of Cookies will also give me a sandwich!" Lumis said, eating a sandwich. "I guess my turn is over."

"Hee… hee… hee… soooooo many masks…" Kaiba groaned.

"What? Huh? Is it over? Did we win?" Yami said, shaking out of his mask-induced stupor.

"It has barely begun, child!" Umbra crowed. "Now, it's MY turn, and I play the magic card Masquerade!"

"That doesn't sound bad." Kaiba said hopefully.

"… Which allows me to play no less than TWENTY-THREE mask cards from my deck!"

"Oh, you must be joking…"

"Let's start with the Mask of Joviality, which tells EVERY JOKE EVER WRITTEN…"

Seven hours later…

"My… God… this… sucks…" Kaiba growled. His eye was twitching wildly, and a thin line of drool was running down his chin. His prozac had worn off, but Inner Yugi had quickly been worn down to senseless muttering by seven straight hours of mask-reading.

Yami shrugged, looking up from _War and Peace_. "I'm just glad I brought a book. And it's not all bad… the Mask of Giving Everyone a Pizza was pretty good. Although I think it put too much pepperoni on mine… Oh, I'm sorry, is it my turn? I play Alpha, the Magnet Warrior. Now, my two magnets will attack Lum-"

"HA! You've activated my Mask of the Graveyard, which let's me replay every card in my Graveyard pile that has the word 'Mask' in it!"

"SON OF A BITCH!" Yami roared.

* * *

"Pokemon… gotta catch 'em all. Pokemon… gotta catch 'em all." Joey muttered mindlessly. 

"Wow, Pikachu, what's that?" Ash said on the T.V.

"Pika pika!"

"Oh, you're so funny, Pikachu!"

"This… is… the worst… show… EVER." Joey moaned.

Watching from the other side of a one-way mirror, the Queen smirked. "Excellent. He still resists, but he begins to crumble. I truly didn't think any man could withstand eight hours of Pokemon, but his strength of will gains him nothing. Eventually, he will be broken to my will.

"I think it's time to play the episode with that little… egg… thing. Heh, heh, heh, heh…"

* * *

The Next Morning, Yami lay on his side, twitching uncontrollably. Amazingly, it was practically impossible to sleep on top of a big sheet of glass while an idiot in a mask ranted at you. "Oh… my… God… please… let… it… end." He moaned softly. 

"… and it will also create a series of 'mask tokens' that each create a second, smaller token that eats the first token and paints a recreation of 'The Mona Lisa' while singing disco and then they'll all explode. And that's all of them! Your move, Kaiba." Lumis finished his eight-hour speech.

"Hmmm? Five more minutes, mommy." Kaiba said, rolling over and pulling his trenchcoat over himself like a blanket.

Yami's eyes turned red, then yellow, then green. "HOW CAN YOU SLEEP?" he roared. "THEY TALK ALL THE TIME! IT NEVER ENDS! NEVER! BWAHAHAHAAAHAAAHAHAHAHHAA!"

Kaiba rolled to look at him, eyes wide open. "Sleep? You're SO silly, Mommy. I couldn't sleep because the mask-man was talking. I wanted five more minutes to play this wonderful trombone!" he said gleefully, holding up empty air.

"Oh. You've snapped again." Yami said sadly. "Just what I needed. Listen, Kaiba, I didn't think much of it at first, but there's definitely something to this 'bore strategy'. If we don't find a way around it, we're definitely screwed. Can you penetrate that thick, disgusting void of insanity that surrounds your brain and give me an IDEA? Anything will do!"

"I pass."

"Huh?"

"My turn. I pass my turn." Kaiba said. Immediately, Umbra began to describe the hundreds and hundreds of masks this activated.

"But, for God's sake, what good does that–"

"None. But that's because NOTHING will do any good, because there is no victory, Yugi." Kaiba said soberly. "I have run through this scenario a thousand times in my mind, but nothing I do makes any difference. Every move possible leads to me jumping off this building in three hours to silence the voices. We cannot win. I'm sorry, Yugi."

"But… but… but… NO."

"What?"

"You are SETO KAIBA. You are the man who kidnapped and endangered the health of a SENIOR CITIZEN in order to get a playing card. You are the man who was willing to KILL HIMSELF to beat me in a card game. You are the man who set up a MULTI-MILLION dollar tournament specifically to HUMILIATE ONE PERSON. And while we cannot win fairly… nobody could win fairly, against these monsters… there MUST be a cheap, ruthless, vicious, underhanded way to win. And YOU WILL FIND IT. CHEAT AWAY, BIG GUY!"

"Ch… cheat? Do something horrifying to them? Really?"

"YES!"

"Can I kill them?"

"DAMN STRAIGHT!"

_What? You can't kill them! _Yugi thought.

_-IT'S THEM OR US! VICTORY OR DEATH!-_

"Well…" Kaiba said, that old evil light coming back into his eyes. "That changes things."

"… and then my Mask of Large Names for Cheese will…" Umbra said. Just then, Kaiba withdrew a gun from his trenchcoat and fired two shots at the glass below Umbra's feet. "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO FAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAIR…" :SPLAT:

Kaiba shifted his aim to Lumis.

"I… um… I forfeit?" Lumis said.

* * *

"The spell is complete. Release him." The Queen proclaimed. Then, remembering she didn't have any servants left, she got up and released him herself. "Are you all prepared to destroy Yugi, my mind-slave?" She asked. 

"I choose Pikachu!" Joey said cheerfully. "My mind is an easily influenced pile of mush, and I'll do whatever you tell me! I like Pokemons!"

"Good boy."


	18. Chapter Sixteen

Chapter 16: The Perils of Bargain-Bin mind control

"Okay, Lumis. You probably don't want to die, and that's good. I, on the other hand, DO want to kill you. So you should probably tell me where my little brother happens to be." Kaiba said.

"You're finally off that magic monkey kick?"

"My Prozac wore off. That happens when you're in a duel for an ENTIRE FREAKIN' DAY. Consequently, I'm also in a pretty horrible mood. Now do you talk, or do I just blow you away?"

"All right, all right. Truthfully? Our budget has been cut back so much we couldn't afford any chains or things to keep your brother tied up. We just let him go. I think he said something about going to Dairy Queen."

Meanwhile, at Dairy Queen, Mokuba used a coupon to get a free Blizzard™ Frozen Treat, then sat down and began to eat with Bakura.

"So… so… you're saying that I could've just gone home and ignored you?" Kaiba asked Lumis.

"Yup."

"That you managed to waste my entire day, for no good reason?"

"Pretty much."

"And you think that, knowing this, I'm NOT going to kill you?"

"I was kind of hoping." Lumis said nervously.

Kaiba leveled his gun.

"WAIT, WAIT! We do have more hostages! Wheeler, and that Tea girl… maybe."

"… Maybe?" Yugi asked.

"Well, she wasn't really sure she WAS Tea, for one thing. And secondly, we also didn't have anything to tie HER up, we could only afford enough for Joey. Last time I saw her, she was sitting quietly in the corner because we asked her nicely. She might have moved, I don't know. She's not the sharpest tool in the shed, is she?"

"Not ANYMORE." Yugi said coldly.

-_It was an honest mistake!- _Yami protested.

"Well, whatever. Just tell me where my friends are. I should at least TRY to save them, I guess."

"Oh, they're at the docks. I'm pretty sure our evil master was going to try to brainwash them. That's uh… that's going to be pretty hard, considering Lord Malik took the Millennium Rod with him when he left. Is that all, or you want to know anything else?"

"Not really. Out of curiosity, should you have really told me all this?"

"Probably not. But I chose to do so out my intense desire not to die, and the fact the Rare Hunters are no longer an organization I want to be associated with. Honestly, the Queen has really just taken the group and neutered it. Mandatory cartoons, no more all-you-can-drink free coffee at breakfast, took the _Frogger_ machine out of the rec room… oh, and the spontaneous execution of anyone who commits the tiniest infraction on her crazy rules."

"… but when Rare Hunter failed in her bidding, she only had him kicked in the shins! She completely ignored it was Arkana and Strings didn't even TRY to beat me!" Yugi protested. "Why didn't she kill any of them?"

"She has a very ODD idea of what's a death-worthy offense. 'It's one thing to fail me miserably, it's another to spill cereal on the floor'. She's… she's not a very good boss."

"It shows. Really."

"So. Yugi. As scintillating as this as been, do you want to get out of here and rescue your friends? And then I'll mock them, of course, but that goes without saying. I mean, I mock them all the time."

_-Yeah, like YOU have any right to mock THEM! After all, the way you look, the way you talk like a duck, the way you smell like a dead fish on steroids… with a duck. I'm just saying, you don't have a whole lot to be proud of.- _Inner Yugi said, smirking in that sadistic Inner Yugi way he had. Or, y'know, WOULD have had if he'd had a face.

Kaiba, in response, swatted Yugi in the head.

"OW! What was that for?"

"I'm taking my frustration out on the Yugi I can see, bitch."

"… Ah. And when, pray tell, did this latest breakdown occur? I just want to know how long I can expect until you snap back to reality."

"Well, judging by my previous breakdowns? I'm gonna say I should be fine in a few days."

-_You know what your big problem is? You suck.- _Inner Yugi said.

Kaiba winced. "On the other hand, this one is pretty persistent. So, you want a helicopter ride to the docks?"

"Why are you being so nice to me?" Yugi asked suspiciously.

"Honestly? I just want to see what captivity has done to Wheeler. I'm hoping the Rare Hunters did some really weird, humiliating stuff to him. I hope he's scarred for the rest of his life, both physically and emotionally… and I'll be the very first to mock him about it," Kaiba said cheerfully. "God, I am SUCH an evil bastard."

* * *

_-Bakura, we have a major problem.- _Evil Bakura thought solemnly. 

_Ice cream is a problem? _Bakura thought, looking inward from his hot fudge sundae.

_-Well, in the sense that we SHOULD be engaging in horrendous evil, and we AREN'T, yes. But that's only a part of the problem. My point is, we haven't really done too much this story. We haven't engaged in any serious acts of terror and pain against those undeserving of our wrath! We haven't had any FUN!-_

_You murdered thirty people!_

_-Yeah, in… YUCK… 'self-defense'. We had to do it to preserve ourselves. That just kills the entertainment factor.-_

_But it also kills… thirty people! You've already done MORE than enough evil for one lifetime._

_-Ah, but I have 5,000 years worth of lifetimes that I spent locked in a ring. I have to do some serious evil to make up for those!-_

_Oh, c'mon! Can't we just finish this sundae and play cards? _

_-Okay, first of all, yuck. That food is COLD. That's not right.-_

_Yami, for the last time, I accept that you didn't have refrigeration, and you lived in a desert, and as far as you're concerned ice cream rates just below cyanide on things to eat. Now YOU please accept that your opinions don't really matter to me._

_-Now, second and more important, you are a complete loser. That means that what you want to do? Not really too important. I am GOING to take over your body, and I am GOING to start on some really nasty evil. Now get in that ring where you belong!- _With that, Evil Bakura shoved his soulmate unceremoniously down into their soul room, and walked off to perform some serious evil.

He got about three feet out the door of the café before his shoelace came untied, causing him to trip and fall into a young woman. Now, it was impossible to know exactly what was going through this woman's brain, but judging that a strange man had just lunged at her from out of nowhere, it seemed safe to assume she thought she was being mugged. This assumption was proven correct a few seconds later, as she reached into her purse, removed a black box, pressed it firmly against Evil Bakura's stomach… and tasered the Hell out of him for a solid three minutes.

She ran off, screaming about the horrible attack on her person, the indignity, the attempted rape, and the bloody murder, leaving Evil Bakura in a smoldering heap on the pavement.

It was about then that the monkey found him.

* * *

Back at evil anonymous, the Dark, Foul, Evil Sorceress of Chaos and Destruction sipped her evil cocoa thoughtfully and looked at a perfectly uncursed Yami in her Evil Scrying Jelly Roll. (Her Evil Scrying Mirror, along with all her other evil paraphernalia, had been confiscated when her counselor had discovered her trying to curse Yami in her room after Arts & Crafts time. The jelly roll was the best she could manage on short notice; it was cloudy and made all the pictures in it look like apple-cinnamon, but it worked.) "It's too bad, I suppose, but there's no getting around it. My 'Shoe Monkey' curse definitely hit someone else. Oh well, it can't be TOO bad. It wasn't much of a curse. I mean, shoes untying and a monkey following you around? Not bad at ALL."

* * *

"OH GOD THE MONKEY IS TRYING TO KILL ME!" Evil Bakura screamed, trying to wrestle off the shrieking primate.

* * *

Yugi and Kaiba walked into the docks, and looked around for some sign of Joey and Tea. Kaiba kept muttering under his breath, practicing various mockeries for when he saw Joey to see which one was best. Yugi was on his guard, walking silently and searching everywhere for a hidden attack from the shadows. 

Turns out he shouldn't have bothered.

"HI YUGI! HI! WELCOME TO OUR AMBUSH!" Tea shouted cheerfully.

"Oh, for the love of… Tea, that was a very bad stealth attack." The robed woman behind Tea said exasperatedly.

"Hi, Tea. I take it you've been brainwashed?" Yugi asked her.

"Nope! My new friend here," she said, pointing at the Queen, "Asked me to help kill you both! And friends always help friends kill other friends!"

"… Okay, even I think that's an odd definition for friendship." Kaiba said.

"I have odd thoughts!"

"Clearly."

"Ahhhhh, Yugi. It's SO good to see you again, my old friend…" the Queen chuckled. "But then, you probably don't recognize-"

"You're Rebecca Hawkins, wearing a pair of very tall shoes to disguise your height."

"WHAT? How the hell did– no. No, that's wrong. It's totally wrong."

"I recognize your voice, now that it's not disguised over a breaking-up walkie talkie. It's kinda hard to forget, with the screeching and all."

"I do NOT scre- I mean, you're completely wrong."

"No, I'm not."

"Oh, I'm not Rebecca, and this is the 'I'm not Rebecca' SOOOOOOOOOONG…" the Queen sang.

"I RECOGNIZE your VOICE, you IDIOT." Yugi said exasperatedly.

"No you don't!" the Queen said, disguising her voice.

"All right, all right, have it your way. We'll keep up your little game. But the readers have already figured out it's you,"

"Even **I** know it's you, and we've never met!" Kaiba pointed out.

"I don't know what you mean, Yugi. No game here. Tra la la la, not Rebecca…"

":SIGH:. Okay, sure. Let's just get this show on the road. Now, just judging by how bad you've been at evil in the past, I can only assume you've failed to mind-control Joey?"

"HA! You'd be wrong, Yugi! Come on out, my mind slave!' The 'Queen' called to a nearby warehouse. Nothing happened for almost a minute. Then she sighed and said, "Pikachu, I choose you!"

"Pika pika!" Joey screamed, running out the door. "I love pokemons! Yeah!"

"You must be joking." Yugi groaned.

Kaiba, for his part, was laughing the laugh of the truly happy, a laugh that many never get to experience. It was the laugh of someone for whom all was right in the world, someone who has just had their purpose in life confirmed. Few people get to laugh like that in their lifetimes. "God Wheeler, you SUCK!" he said, then kept right on laughing.

"Pika pika pika pika pika!" Joey shouted, running around in circles.

"… Admittedly, my mind control tactic may have been flawed. But it got the job done; Joey is my mind slave. And soon, I shall use him to destroy you and claim your God card and sarcophagus!"

"Oh, you have one of those too?"

"… not at the MOMENT, I'm having UPS ship it to me. But yeah. When it gets here, all five will be in the same city, one each in the hands of you, Kaiba, Bakura, Malik, and me! And once they are united…"

"Everything will be exactly the way it was, right? You're after something totally worthless, aren't you? Those big stone coffins are a fancy wrapper for something completely meaningless. I'm just guessing, based on what I know of you so far." Kaiba said.

Silence.

"… That… that's one way of looking at it. Maybe. But it might also be really cool, that's another way of looking at it!"

"Possible. But I wouldn't bet on it." Kaiba replied.

"Y'know, maybe we'd all be happier if you shut the $#(& up, you ever think about that?"

"Maybe. I'll make you a deal. When you open your coffins and out comes something that's way cooler than my $100 billion corporation, THEN I'll shut up. Until then, I'm just going to mock the hell out of you."

"Well, you won't be mocking me when mind-slave Joey destroys you both and claims your God cards!"

"Why yes, Jigglypuff, I do love your delightful puffy song!" Joey said to thin air.

"… Actually, I'm still going to be mocking you then, too." Kaiba informed her.

"Just out of curiosity, exactly what DID you do to Joey?" Yugi inquired.

"Twenty straight hours of Pokemon cartoons."

Yugi and Kaiba paled. "I take it back," Yugi said. "You're not a lousy villain, you're an unspeakable villain. In fact, you're the most vicious human being I've ever met. How could you DO that to another living creature!"

_-That MONSTER! How dare she?- _Yami raged.

"Damn, and I thought I was sadistic!" Kaiba muttered in awe.

The Queen smiled smugly beneath her cowl. "Yeah, I have my moments. Now, Yugi, would you perhaps like to duel Joey before we all die of old age?"

Yami emerged in a burst of light. "Before we even start, do you MEAN it? This will be a REAL DUEL, right? And if I lose, I'll die, right?"

"Well, I DID have a little something set up, now that you mention it. A large chocolate sundae will be constructed, and the winner will get to eat half of it! But then…"

"I have a funny feeling I know where this is going." Yami muttered.

".. the LOSER gets the OTHER half! But they have to WAIT for it, until after the winner eats their half! It's horrifying! BWAHAHAHAHAHA!"

"… yeah, that's pretty much what I've come to expect from you. All right, here's what we're going to do. Joey and I will tie our feet to an anchor, and only the winner gets the key to unlock the connecting chain. That okay?"

"Oh, heavens no! Someone could get killed!"

"THAT'S THE IDEA!"

"No, no, we can't have anything like that happening. We'll just go with the sundae plan."

Kaiba started laughing. "Oh, what a tremendous hero you are, Yugi! Willing to risk getting the slightly less-tasty part of a sundae! What horror! What bravery to tempt fate in such a manner!"

"Shove it, Kaiba. At least I have a REASON for doing all this. I have an ancient, divine DESTINY going on here. YOU are just a GEEK!"

"I… you… I… you… you… … You suck!"

"Nice comeback, Chris Rock. You're just full of witty banter."

-_Oh, you got BURNED!- _Inner Yugi crowed.

_Dammit, when you didn't talk for a few hours I thought you were gone!_

_-Yeah, but that was when you were happy! Now that you've had your whole purpose in life called into question, I'm back to kick you while you're down.-_

"Now, are we ready to begin this thing? I think my… my sundae is melting." Yami mumbled angrily.

"You only get half!" The Queen reminded him.

"I hate you."

"I'll start the battle, if you don't mind, by summoning Charmander!" Joey said, throwing a red-and-white ball onto the ground between him and Yugi.

Nothing happened.

"What? Why isn't my Pokeball working?" Joey asked.

Yami went up to the 'pokeball' and examined it. "Um… this is a rock you painted red and white."

"What, no it's not! It's my pokeball!"

"Oh no, guys! Joey must have taken empty pokeballs out there by accident!" Brock said.

"What'll he do?" Misty asked.

Ash looked worried. "Well, maybe one of them will have something in it he can battle with…"

There was absolute silence for about five minutes.

"… … … … … … … … … … … … …" Kaiba said.

"Who the HELL are you people, and where did you come from?" Yami demanded.

"I'm Ash, and I'm gonna be a Pokemon master!" Ash said.

"You're gonna be a what now?" Yami asked.

"One of the greatest Pokemon battlers ever! I'll catch 'em all™!"

"You're a very simple young man, aren't you?"

"I love all my Pokemon!" Ash said. "I'm on my way to challenge the Domino gym leader!"

"… I think you may have wandered into the wrong dimension somewhere along the line, skippy." Kaiba informed him.

"I KNEW it!" Misty roared. "I KNEW something was wrong here! This is all your fault, you idiots! I said, 'let's just go around the forest, it'll only be a few hours extra travel, and we won't get lost!' But nooooooo, you just HAD to see if there were any 'neat Pokemon' inside! If you had listened to me, we'd still be in the right universe!"

"Now, Misty, it was an honest mistake, and really…" Brock began.

"Shut the Hell up, Mr. 'My sense of direction is so bad it breaches dimensional walls'!"

"Sorry, ma'am."

Yami turned to the Queen and said, "Do YOU know what's going on here?"

"Um… not really… um… maybe they came out of my T.V. set?"

* * *

Inside the Millennium Rod's soul room, Yami Malik chuckled. After all, when you were constantly locked inside a little room in a golden stick, unable to kill anybody at all, you have to keep yourself occupied SOMEHOW. Surprisingly enough, he actually COULD warp reality from within the rod. And happily, he was even able to watch it on his spiritual big-screen T.V. 

"Oh, this can't possibly end well." He chuckled, watching the Pokemon people.

* * *

"Soooooooo… we picked up some dimensional wanderers somewhere along the line. That's okay. We can deal with this." 

"You have to love and trust ALL your pokemon!" Ash informed everyone nearby.

"God, I hate you already." Kaiba muttered.

_I kinda like this guy! _Yugi thought. _Believe in the Heart of the Pokemon, dude!_

_-… he IS kinda like you, isn't he? Doesn't dress like a dominatrix, though.-_

_I'll have you know that­–_

_-Yeah, yeah, bondage leather is really neat. Can we get back to the matter at hand?- _Yami thought impatiently. "Now, Joey, perhaps you're confused. Admittedly, eight hours of THAT," he said, pointing at Ash, who was trying to hold a meaningful conversation with a rat, "Would be enough to drive anyone mildly insane. But we aren't… 'pakmanning', or whatever you call it. We're playing Duel Monsters. You remember that? Red-eyes Black 'Dreegen' as your accent so charmingly mauled it?"

"I… I… I… Red… eyes?" Joey muttered.

"I want to be a pokemon breeder!" Brock said for no particular reason.

"That's great! I love pokemons!" Joey shouted.

"DAMMIT, will you people just SHUT UP?" Yami roared in exasperation.

"If I'm a pokemon breeder, I can breed pokemon!" Brock explained.

"I think that's sort of a given, moron." Misty muttered. "You see what I have to live with every day?"

"Look, I'm trying to reach my friend here, Red. You think you could get your Stupid Squad to keep their mouths shut for five seconds? They drag him back into his delusion."

"Are you kidding? If I could make these two stop talking, I wouldn't have a migraine EVERY DAY," She said. "… Man, when did I get so bitchy?"

"I think you're just starting to soak up the atmosphere here. All our girls are like that." Yami advised her.

"If you're done talkin' it's time for us to poke-battle!" Joey proclaimed. "But… but… I don't have any more pokemon!"

"Here, you can use my Pikachu!" Ash said. Pikachu ran out in front of Joey and said "pika pika!"

"Okay, this just got too weird for me. See you guys at the finals." The Queen of the Rare Hunters said, getting in her car and driving away.

"What the Hell is that thing? It's like the bastard child of a ferret, a balloon, and a thunderstorm!" Yami asked in confusion.

"Pika pika! ((You're not exactly a supermodel yourself, spiky!))" Pikachu said.

"Yay, Pikachu!" Joey and Ash shouted together.

"Some kind of mutant gerbil?" Kaiba wondered.

"Pikachu, shoot your thunder powers!" Joey ordered. Pikachu hurled a bolt of electricity at Yami, who leapt aside.

"JESUS CHRIST! THAT THING SHOOTS _#(&_$ LIGHTNING!" He screamed in terror, pointing at the Pikachu.

"Well, get up and fight it. It's just a little rodent. I mean, it barely even has a body! It's a beanbag with limbs." Kaiba chided him.

"A little MUTANT rodent that shoots freakin' LIGHTNING!" Yami shouted. "What am I supposed to do, hit it with my cards?"

"YOU'RE the one with the magic destiny, aren't you? Go all 'Shadow Game' on him."

"… Good point. THROUGH THE POWER OF THE MILLENNIUM PUZZLE, I MAKE THEE FLESH, **SLIFER THE SKY DRAGON!**" Yami screamed. Reality shifted and warped, and the enormous Egyptian God manifested itself in its full glory and terror. It roared at Pikachu.

"Pika! (( HOLY CRAP!))" Pikachu said, and ran to go hide behind Ash. "Pikachu! ((NO WAY IN HELL AM I FIGHTING **THAT**!))"

Ash's eyes widened. "The… um… the pokemon are… bigger, here. And terrifying."

"Overkill, much?" Kaiba asked.

"SLIFER, ATTACK JOEY WITH YOUR THUNDER FORCE!"

"HA! Never mind, overkill is good!" Kaiba applauded.

The massive dragon released a blazing beam of electric death that struck out at Joey, and blasted him into a twisted wreck of a human being. He kind of twitched a little bit, smoking profusely.

"Um… oops?" Yami said.

_Tell me you didn't just ruin ANOTHER one of my friends! First you erase Tea's mind, then you kill Joey!_

_-Joey isn't DEAD. I mean, not YET. And he might not die at all if… hey, where did Tea go?-_

_Oh, she probably just wandered off. She doesn't have a whole lot tying her down anymore, y'know?_

* * *

"GAH! CAN'T… BREATHE!" Malik sputtered as Tea crushed his spine in a bear hug. He desperately struggled to get into a position to smack her in the head with his Rod, but his arms were pinned helplessly at his side. 

"My new friend!" she squealed.

"Odion… help!"

"Hm? I'm SORRY sir, I just WASN'T LISTENING!" Odion said, smirking sadistically.

"Jerk… ULK!" Malik choked out as Tea's affectionate death-grip got even tighter.


	19. Chapter Seventeen

Author's Note: I… I watched the first few episodes of Yu-Gi-Oh GX not so long ago, and… oh, man … how could anyone make this? Dueling School? DUELING SCHOOL? That's it? That's the best the Yu-Gi-Oh guy could come up with to replace his ancient Egyptian saga? They go to card game school.

Card game SCHOOL.

And who are these people? Jaden? What's a Jaden? Where the Hell is Yugi? Kaiba? Come on, you can't tell me that Kaiba isn't there. Who else would POSSIBLY fund a card game academy? And what's with that teacher who looks like a transvestite corpse? And worst of all: 'I'm gonna throw down a facedown.'

Good lord. Who would ever say that?

I tried to like it, honestly. I tried, but it's like trying to like a flu. You just can't do it. There are some aspects that are okay:

Flu: You get to stay home from school/work/responsibility for the day.

YGO GX: Alexis. I've always had a soft spot for the girls in an Anime, probably why I like Isis so much. And I just like her voice for some reason.

But on the whole, they both suck, and I just can't like either one of them.

Chapter 17: And the 'plot' finally starts to move

"Sooooooo… what do we do with this?" Kaiba wondered.

"Whee, Pikachu!" Ash said.

Yami winced. "Man, kid, do you just never shut up? You remind me of Yugi, except feral. You have no idea how long it took me to train some of the optimism out of that twerp."

"Whee, Pikachu!" Ash said.

Misty groaned. "Can you share your technique? I can't think of anything I'd like more than to take sparky there down a peg."

"Whee, PikaUGH!" Ash said as Kaiba smashed him over the head with a discarded beer bottle.

"((Thanks. He seriously gets on your nerves after a few years.))" Pikachu said, lighting a cigarette.

Kaiba blinked. "You're not as wholesome as your image would suggest, are you?"

"((You can understand me?))" Pikachu asked.

"You can understand it?" Yami asked.

Kaiba shrugged. "I took a course in 'Mutant Rodent Languages 101' at the Domino Community College. Figured it would help negotiate with the giant mutant rats that live in the KaibaCorp. Basement."

"… and has it?"

Meanwhile, in the KaibaCorp. Basement…

­–_Our plan proceeds apace. Our chicken allies have claimed the city of Hong Kong as their own. Even now, our cloning machine nears completion. Once we have connected it to the Hong Kong power grid, we can use it to increase our numbers to the point where nothing will be able to withstand our might. Even our chicken 'allies' shall fall to our superior fangs as we sweep across the world in a killing wave, devouring all that lies in our path.– _The communal telepathic mind of the KaibaCorp. rats thought.

(_Actually, I'm trying out that Atkins diet, so I'd really prefer if we took it light on the devouring thing.)_

_–Dammit, Steve, how many times are we going to have this conversation? We're giant rodents. We devour things. It's what we DO.–_

_/Not if we don't start to watch our blood pressure, we don't/_

_–Listen, Roy, we all know you're a health nut, and if you don't want to devour things you don't have to, but the REST of us are going to consume the earth.–_

_(I just TOLD you, I'm on a DIET!)_

_–Dammit, Steve!–_

Back at the docks…

"No, it hasn't worked so well." Kaiba admitted.

"Are they Raticates? Because those are pokemon! I breed pokemon!" Brock said cheerfully.

There was absolute silence for several seconds.

"What? Why are you all acting funny?"

Yami and Misty looked from Kaiba, to Brock, and back to Kaiba. "Did you hear that?" Misty asked, looking like she was struggling not to laugh.

"I… I can't be sure. They speak with such different TONES… but it's so… both of you, say 'wombat'!" Yami commanded.

"Wombat." Kaiba and Brock said at the same time. Although, frankly, if only one of them had said anything, it would have sounded exactly the same. Kaiba's eyes widened. "HOLY CRAP!"

"I KNEW it!" Misty crowed triumphantly.

"This is the best thing that's happened all week." Yami snickered. "I can't even begin to imagine the prank phone call possibilities!"

"Did you know that pokemon need a proper mix of nutrition to achieve their full potential?" Brock asked no one in particular.

"THIS IS #)&) ABSURD!" Kaiba protested. "THIS BREAKS EVERY LAW OF MAN AND GOD! THIS IS A CRIME AGAINST HUMANITY!

"NO WAY IN **HELL** CAN I HAVE THE SAME VOICE AS POKE-LOSER OVER THERE!"

Yami began to laugh.

"Why will nobody treat my horrible wounds?" Joey groaned.

"Oh, you'll be fine! We're busy laughing at the pain of others." Yami scolded.

"Fine! I was attacked by the fury of a god!" Joey choked out. "My organs have been rearranged in alphabetical order!"

"I have some Poke' Medicine." Brock offered.

"DAMMIT, STOP TALKING!" Kaiba shrieked.

"Who the Hell are you people, anyhow? And how did I get here?" Joey groaned. "And why did Yugi attack me with a giant divine dragon…?"

"You've been… a little off?" Yugi said. "Honestly, I'm not entirely sure what's been going on either."

"Ah, okay. Now, CAN I GET TO A HOSPITAL?" he screamed in agony.

Yami re-emerged and smiled angelically. "Worry not, Joseph, for just as my own victory is essential to the plot, so to is your survival. Now rise, and be healed, my son!"

Joey tried to stand… and fell screaming as something cracked in his leg.

Yami's eyebrow raised. "Darn, I thought that would work for sure. Um… does anyone have a car nearby?"

* * *

"Dammit, how do I let you talk me into these things?" Serenity asked.

She and Tristan were currently wandering aimlessly through the city of Domino, searching for any hint of anything that even looked like Joey.

"Now, Serenity, you need to look at this from my point of view."

"Wow, you have enough brain function to have your own point of view? How exciting for you."

"Thanks!" Tristan said, without the slightest hint of sarcasm. "I eat Wheaties™ for brain-power every day!"

"… you should see about getting a refund from the Wheaties people."

"I don't follow you."

"… oh, just tell your story. What's your point of view?"

"Well, after your computer broke…" he began.

"BROKE? You're the one who dropped it on the floor because you were laughing too hard at the website of puppies wearing funny hats!"

"…after it broke, I figured 'hey, why don't I take her to SEE Joey! And then it occurred to me that you can't SEE, because you can't take those bandages off your eyes for like five more hours. But you can hear Joey, and that's what really matters, right?"

"Right." Serenity agreed. "That's a very good plan. But you forgot to mention the part where you HAVE NO FREAKIN' IDEA WHERE YOU'RE GOING, IDIOT!"

"A minor concern. My keen sense of tracking will soon lead us to Joey! Why, I believe I can feel his presence even now!" Tristan said, leading Serenity in the direction his 'Joey-sense' was taking him.

There was silence for several seconds.

"We're in a dank, repulsive alley, aren't we?" she asked.

"A little bit, yeah."

"I swear, Tristan, if that was a rat that just ran across my shoe, I will beat you to death with your own spine."

"Well, then, I'm perfectly safe. The only thing that's run across your shoe has been a small herd of cockroaches!"

"… the second these bandages come off, the very SECOND, I will destroy everything you have ever loved."

"Well then," a new voice informed them, "he doesn't have a problem. You won't be living to take off those bandages." Three men wearing Rare Hunter robes and carrying machine guns entered the alley behind them.

"… oh, God, now we're going to be killed. I'm going to be murdered in a dark, disgusting alley, and the only person who will ever know of my death is YOU!" Serenity screeched at Tristan. "You know, I honestly hope that when I die, I can follow you into the Hell you so richly deserve and make your afterlife of torment even MORE horrible than it is already destined to be."

"Wait a minute, why are you three doing this?" Tristan asked nervously.

The leader shrugged. "Some crazy girl on stilts paid us twenty bucks each to dress up in these robes and kill you."

"… twenty bucks? You're going to kill us for twenty bucks?"

"Ah, but with that twenty bucks, we can all go see a movie! And then, we'll have enough left between us to buy the DVD of _Star Wars: Episode III, _meaning we'll have TWO movies!"

"… … … … … … clearly, you never graduated from assassin school," Serenity observed.

"No, I flunked out in the first year for taking prices that were too low, and… oh. Oh, I see your point. Ah well, twenty bucks is twenty bucks!" he said, and took aim.

Just then, a heroic voice proclaimed, "STOP RIGHT THERE!" and an unseen hero released a deadly weapon.

Or some dude threw a couple dice.

"Ow." The leader of the three underpriced killers said, as a die hit him in the back of the head and kind of stung a little bit.

"There's more where that came from, villain!" said the hero. It was none other than Duke 'Dice' Devlin, the world's foremost… um… guy with dice, I guess.

"… So? You hit me with dice. That wouldn't possibly stop anyone."

"Don't be so sure, monster!" Duke said, throwing some more dice.

"Ow! Those little things are hard!" one of the killers said.

"Oh, quit whining Lawrence."

"But they hurt! A little bit, I mean."

"Oh, just shoot him, you idiots." The leader moaned.

The two backup killers opened fire with their lethal weapons, spraying the area with bullets. Then another die hit each one in the face.

"OW! Oh God, sir, we can't stop him!" Lawrence proclaimed.

"Lawrence is right! I shoot at the dice, but they're too small and fast to hit!"

"Truly, they are the ultimate weapon! FLEE!" With that, Lawrence and the other guy ran screaming from the alley.

The leader kind of stood there for a second, wondering exactly what had just occurred.

"… um… uh… oh?" he said.

"HA! There's only one to go, my friend, and you're it! Any last words?" Duke 'Filler Arc' Devlin asked.

"… yeah. I'm going to shoot you."

"Oh. Well, those are really bad last words." Duke replied.

"How are these? 'I'm blind, not helpless'." Serenity whispered in the killer's ear. "Found you."

What followed next was, too put it mildly, the most horrifying thing that anyone anywhere had ever seen. It was far, far too horrible to put it in a story with a PG-13 rating, that's for sure. I mean, a little kid could read about it and be scarred for life. No, we need to skip that part, that much is for certain.

Moving on.

"OH SWEET JESUS!" Duke screamed, wiping the blood spatter off his face. "How… how could you do that to another human being? Even if he did try to kill you!"

"Simple. I just pretended it was Tristan." Serenity said, smirking coldly. "Now, Sparky, as much as I appreciate you giving me the five-second distraction I needed to take these clowns out, if you don't lead me and my pet moron to my big brother Joey, I will redefine your existence as living PAIN."

"I… I… I have a car." Duke said nervously.

"Well then. Start drivin'."

* * *

"I hate my life, my job, and my family." Odion said, watching Tea and Malik skip down the street, hand-in-hand, sipping chocolate milkshakes and singing happy songs.

((_You have no idea, big guy.)) _Yami Malik replied silently.

* * *

"So in the end, everything worked out fine! My doctor says that in a few months, if the grafts take and my body doesn't reject the transplants, my new skin will somewhat resemble my old skin!" Joey said happily as Yugi pushed his wheelchair.

"And you call that 'fine'? That's what I like about you Wheeler. You're so stupid that just being around you makes me seem like even MORE of a genius than I already am." Kaiba said.

((_So, Seto, I've been working on this flowchart to prove, mathematically, that your existence is the entire reason that people get diseases. But so far, the variables don't match up, because I just can't think of any way you could possibly be connected to anything that, y'know, MATTERS.)) _Inner Yugi informed him.

"Dammit, Inner Yugi, if you don't shut your damn nonexistent mouth I swear I'll kill myself!" Kaiba roared.

"Again?" Yugi groaned.

"… yeah, you're a genius." Misty said. "So, seriously, guys, what exactly do you do around here?"

"We're all involved in a tournament, and I suppose now we're on our way to the finals. But we're still missing a good chunk of the cast, so it could take a while."

"Oh, a tournament? Like in our world? We have these competitions where we make trained monsters fight each other!"

"Oh, you mean like that thing?" Yugi asked, pointing at Pikachu.

"((That thing could take you out with one shapeless arm behind its adorable back, spiky.))" Pikachu said.

"Yeah, sort of. There are a lot of different kinds, and some of them are genuinely ferocious,"

"Well, our tournaments are a little different. They are based on an ancient, magical game of death and chaos from thousands of years ago!" Yami said grandiosely. "A game that has, through the ages, been tempered down to its purest elements… THESE!"

"… you play cards."

"No, no. We DUEL!"

"… with cards."

"… in a sense, yes."

"In the sense that you play with cards. Well, whatever floats your boat, I guess. It just seems a little childish to someone who can command REAL monsters." Misty said archly.

"Yay! I love all my cute pokemon!" Ash said, giving big hugs to his menagerie of cute, formless, big-eyed things. "I want to win all the badges and be a pokemon master so my mommy will be proud of me, and my bully of a neighbor won't make fun of me anymore!"

Misty sighed. "Okay, maybe our way isn't so mature after all. But at least our monsters are real!"

"THROUGH THE INFINITE POWER OF THE MILLENNIUM PUZZLE, AND THE BOUNDLESS DARKNESS OF THE SHADOW REALM, I MAKE THEE FLESH, **SLIFER THE SKY­­-"**

"NO! No, that's okay, I remember your huge dragon now! No need to demonstrate! Let's go play some serious duelin' cards! Yessir!"

"Oh, we will." Joey assured her. "Jus' as soon as the supporting cast gets here. Tea could really wander back at any moment, and I'm pretty sure that Tristan and Serenity were in the script by this point, so they should be showin' up any time now…"

"Oh, Joey, thank God! He's here, Serenity! Please, please, he's here, you can stop strangling Duke!" Tristan said, running up out of breath. "Oh, man, Joey, your sister is a VERY mean lady! She yells and hits me and calls me stupid, and when Duke's car broke down while we looking for you she started trying to kill him!"

"Whoo-hoo! And the supporting cast begins to come together! Hey, Sparky, go talk to Serenity so she has a new target for her wrath and Duke can sneak away." Yami ordered Ash.

"But that doesn't sound very safe…"

"She's… um… made of Pokemon."

"Yippee!"

Yugi mentally sighed._ Well, it was nice knowing him._

"Okay, so who are we still missing? Mokuba is at the blimp already. We still need… hmmmm… well, I guess Tea and Mai," Kaiba said. Just then, Tea came skipping up holding hands with Malik.

"Yay! My friends are here!"

"… Tea, why are you holding hands with the bad guy?"

Kaiba smirked. "The question that comes to mind more immediately is 'Why is Malik holding hands with HER?' And why does he have flower face paint? And a pink shirt?"

"That's easy," Odion grumbled. "He's got the same average I.Q. as a bowl of oatmeal, and it took about ten minutes for her brutal cheerfulness to totally brainwash him."

"Can you fix him?" Yami asked worriedly, "We've already had enough problems with villains in this story, and we really can't afford to lose another one, even if he is kind of substandard."

"You know the worst part? He used to have some legitimate evil going," Kaiba said mournfully. "Then I guess he spent too much time around you guys, and now look at him. He's Cinderella in drag."

"… YOU spend time with us too, y'know."

"Yeah, but I'm not an idiot. DAMMIT INNER YUGI, I AM **NOT **A BALLERINA!"

"… I miss my world." Misty said.

"OH, it's a mutant electric ferret! I just looooooooooove rodents!" Tea squealed, rushing over to give Pikachu an enormous hug.

"Pi… ka… ((GACK! My… ribs… can't… breathe…))"

"I love Pikachu too!" Ash said.

"I could breed Pikachus!" Brock said.

"I love you two too!" Tea said.

"And we love you!"

"Friendship is the most important part of Pokemon training!" Ash informed her.

"Really? I love friendship!"

"Want to be friends?"

Tea's eyes turned watery. "Where have you been all my life? YES, let's be friends!"

"… I think I'm going to be ill." Kaiba said, as Tea and Ash began to play 'ring around the rosie'.

"Pika pika. ((And people wonder why I electrocute him all the time?))" Pikachu said.

"Okay, okay… wait, what the Hell are you still doing here? I told you to go save Duke!"

"Oh, I tried, but she wasn't made of Pokemon at all, so I just came back here."

"Oh poor, poor Duke…"

At Duke's Car…

"So, you think YOU can look at ME?" Serenity said in a low, dangerous tone, a glistening Samurai sword clutched in her hands.

"PLEASE, GOD! HELP ME, PLEASE, SOMEONE!" Duke screamed in terror.

Back at the Group…

"Oh well, nobody really liked Duke anyhow." Kaiba said.

"True, true. Now, let's get back to our Malik problem…"

"Oh, there is no 'Malik problem'," Odion said. "I'll just hit him in the head with something heavy and make him watch 'Star Wars' again. He'll want to become just like Darth Vader, and he'll be back to evil. He might even be more evil than before, just because it'll be more fresh in his mind."

"Sweet. Can ya get on that before he starts joining in with the Sweetness Squad over there?" Joey asked, motioning toward Ash and Tea, who were styling each other's hair. Odion grabbed Malik's arm and dragged him off for a beating and a movie.

"Okay, were we missing anyone?"

"Wheeeee!" Mai said. "Guesh what, everybody? I'm getting MARRIED!"

"Ah, at last, my darling Mai is mine!" … um… that actor guy. The one who really liked ninjas… was he named Jean-Claude? I forget. I think he was, just because he was supposed to be a rip-off of Jean-Claude Van Damme, so that's what I'm going to call him. "After all these years of obsessing about her like a total freak, my dearest Mai has agreed to marry me in a drunken fit of incompetence!"

"… wait, what?" Joey asked in a very dangerous tone. His accent, strangely, was nowhere to be heard.

"Oh, HI Joe, I'm gettin' married to my good buddy Jimmy!" Mai said.

"My name is Jean-Claude, darling."

"Suuuuuuuure it is, Philliam."

"… Philliam? That's not even a real name, sweetest."

" 'Course it is! Cross a'tween Phil and Willy-Billy-Silly. Whee!" Mai said, and passed out.

"… anyway. When my beloved Mai wakes up, she will happily agree to marry me soberly, I'm sure! Particularly since I plan to have the marriage contract filled when she's still unconscious." Jean-Claude said.

"Now, buddy, I don't know what anime you think you're from…" Joey began.

"I'm from…" Brock began.

"Finish that sentence and you will burn, I swear. In fact, I just never want to hear your blasphemous me-voice again." Kaiba growled.

"… … …" Brock finished.

"… but Mai is MY Mai, got it?" Joey said. "She's MINE. Everyone knows that. Every fanfiction writer in history, even the creepy ones that like to couple Yugi with Yami, give me Mai, you understand?"

"But Mai is my one true…"

"I WASN'T FINISHED." Joey said in a very, very dark tone.

"…eep."

"Now. Under normal circumstances, I would engage you in a duel at this point…"

"OH, GOD! YES, PLEASE!" Yami screamed.

Everyone else took a step away from him.

"Er… sorry. Please continue, Joey."

"um… yeah. So, under normal circumstances. But I can't really walk too well now, and we play one violent card game, so…"

"I VOLUNTEER TO STAND IN FOR YOU! PLEASE, PLEASE LET ME DUEL THE JERK!" Yami shouted desperately.

Everyone took another step away from him.

"… I'm just going to go stand over there." Yami said, walking away.

"So… anyhow. We won't be dueling. I'm just going to deal with you directly, pal."

"HA! How? You can't walk, and I'm a professional martial artist!"

"Hey, little sis! Your big brother just thought of a way you can pay him back for giving you a million dollars!"

"Oh, that's all? You're going to have your little SISTER fight me? Man, you are SAD, little… eh?" Jean-Claude said, turning around at a light touch on his shoulder.

"Hello." Serenity said softly.

The screams could be heard from quite far away.

* * *

Not too long afterward (How long does a soul-quaking beating really take, after all?), the gang converged on the abandoned stadium where Kaiba's blimp had parked.

"Wow, this is so neat!" Serenity chirped, her bandages finally removed. "This is going to be so much fun! I can't wait to see you duel, Joey!"

"Yeah, and I can't wait to show you how great your big brother really is!" Joey said jokingly.

"Hee-hee!"

Everyone else was standing back a good thirty feet from the two siblings. The more innocent ones, like Ash and Tea, looked distinctly ill.

"How can… how can he just walk and talk with her like that?" Yugi shivered.

"Just count yourself lucky, Yug. You didn't spend an hour trapped in a car with her," Duke said. "I'm going to have nightmares for a year…"

Ash shuddered. "So… much… blood… we never bleed on my show… must think about my show… friendly, happy show…"

"She has some good technique." Kaiba said. Unlike the others, he looked merely thoughtful instead of scared. "Do you know if she's got a job? I've got an opening for a bodyguard…"

"Gah." Tea said. "Gah."

"Pika, pika, pika. ((I would not face that monster for all the poke-food in the cosmos. Truly, she is the Death Goddess made Flesh.))."

As the group approached the blimp, Mokuba and Bakura ran up to meet them. "Hey, Seto! 'Bout time you showed up. Now, take a number, you're finalists 304 through 322…"

"Okay, way to organize all this Moku… wait, what?"

"Yeah, I was going to mention that. It seems we have a problem with the locator cards… in that everybody has six."

"WHAT?"

"Well, the program was fairly simple, and if somebody got hold of one, they apparently could use it to make copies… lots of copies."

"But who would do that?"

* * *

On a plane to Las Vegas, Bandit Keith chuckled. "$100 a locator card times 7,000 cards sold… oh, I'm going to have SO much fun at the tables once we land. Take that, suckers!"

* * *

"Well… we… we clearly have to deal with this." Kaiba said, motioning at the crowd that was forming.

"It's going to be hard." Bakura said helpfully. "None of these people are just going to leave, you know. They all want to win and such…"

Yugi looked at the fresh scratches and burn marks on his friends face. "Um… Bakura? What happened to y–"

"I DON'T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT!"

"–sorry."

"Well, there's only one way to disperse a crowd like this," Kaiba said.

"Seto, no. Don't hurt anyone." Mokuba cautioned.

"Oh, don't worry, Mokuba. I'm going to disperse them with diplomacy and tact, displaying a Gandhi-like patience."

Everyone looked at him like he'd sprouted a second head.

"Oh, alright, you got me, I'm joking!" Kaiba chuckled. "RELEASE THE DEATH SQUADS!"

Large groups of armed, powerful men attacked the crowd, the majority of which ran screaming for the hills.

"Dammit, Seto…"

"Oh, don't worry, Lieutenant Mokuba. Nobody will be harmed… except for the ones too slow to get away. Now, who's left? Me, of course. Yugi, because this entire tournament has been created expressly for me to destroy him…"

"I **KNEW **IT!" Yugi said.

"Wh… snicker, snicker… Whee… HAHAHAHA! Wheeler! HAHAHAHAHA! Oh, man, I can't believe it… Wheeler… just SAYING it makes me laugh! WHEELER IS IN MY TOURNAMENT! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Ah… okay, Mai and Bakura, they're cool. Weevil and Rex…"

The two duelists in question poked their heads out from under a piece of debris they'd ducked under when the death squads attacked. "Are we still alive?"

"Wait, what are they doing here?" Yami demanded. "They aren't in the script!"

"Don't worry, we'll have them lose early on."

"Oh, ok… 'have them lose'?"

"Yugi, the person running this tournament is ME. Do you really think I haven't already decided how it's going to end?"

"… point."

"Okay, we still have a little while to wait. I'm pretty sure Isis and Marik will show up eventually; but other than that, I can't really think of anyone we're… missing?" Kaiba's voice turned to confusion as the air in the area suddenly dropped by ten degrees. Mist began to flow through the atmosphere, shrouding the crowd in darkness.

In one of the entrances, a shadow took form. A Dark, evil figure, whose very presence chilled all those nearby to their very souls. The Dark Man walked closer to the crowd, and when he'd reached hearing range he held up his six locator cards. "I am here to win my tournament." He hissed.

Yami tensed. "Ah, and the great darkness is revealed! You must be the horror from my vision!"

"Hardly, child. I am, however, here to destroy you utterly, fool. You will fall to my dark powers, and the almighty power you possess shall be mine."

Yami's eyes narrowed dangerously. "I won't lose to you, Demon! No coward who's afraid to show his face will defeat me!"

"Oh, I fear nothing, Pharaoh," The Dark Man said.

He reached up and took off his cowl, showing his face.

Yami slapped himself in the face. "SON of a BITCH!" he screamed in pure, shrieking frustration.

"Hellooooooooooooooooooo, Yugi-boy!" Pegasus said.


	20. Chapter Eighteen

Author's Note: I don't know why the WB and Shonen Jump are bothering with that whole 'Millennium World' saga. C'mon. Please, people. Don't you give me that 'King of Thieves' with his 'invincible Diabound'. I told the world Bakura's origins a LONG time ago.

But seriously, just read the manga. The censorship on T.V. actually causes physical pain.

Chapter 18: Masters of Disguise

"When I said I wanted more villains, I didn't mean YOU!" Yami screamed.

"Oh, I know, Yugi-boy, but when I heard Kaiba-boy was throwing a tournament, I just said to myself 'Oh, Kaiba-boy is throwing a tournament! I bet I can get my revenge on Yugi-boy there!' And so I hopped right on a plane and came here, and won all kinds of Locator Cards with my Millennium Eye!" Pegasus said. The aforementioned Eye glittered, as it was wont to do.

"Ah, yes. I keep forgetting that you broke into my apartment and robbed me. Thanks so much for the reminder." Evil Bakura grumbled.

"Considering that you TORE IT OUT OF MY HEAD, you have no cause to complain, Bakura-Girl."

"Well, I suppose that you have a… DAMMIT, I AM A **GUY, **YOU JACKASS!"

Yami turned to Misty. "Well? Come on, bring it out."

"What?"

" 'Oh, in my world, we don't have goofy villains that talk all weird! Man, what losers you are with your card games and stupid villains!'" Yami said in his best Misty impression.

"… Actually, this guy is a refreshing burst of familiarity." Misty said.

"He DOES seem kind of familiar, doesn't he?" Brock asked. Then he bounced off the floor as a fist slammed into the side of his head.

"What did I tell you about talking?" Kaiba growled.

All the people who hadn't been privy to Kaiba's unpleasant discovery at the docks looked from Kaiba to Brock, then back to Kaiba.

"Did he…?" Serenity asked.

"I think he did!" Tea replied.

"Oh, man, this could be the funniest thing ever if we heard it right!" Duke exclaimed.

Yami, Joey, and Misty got identical evil smirks. "Oh, ya heard right." Joey assured them all.

Everyone present stared at Kaiba for several seconds.

"HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

Kaiba stared down at Brock. "Dammit, you've ruined my life!"

_((Yeah, it's his fault. Because before he got here, you DIDN'T suck.)) _Inner Yugi said mockingly.

"GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! I've got Inner Yugi on the inside, and Poke-Jerk on the outside! THERE IS NO SANCTUARY!" Kaiba shrieked, curling into a fetal position and covering his ears.

"Ah, and the breakdown accelerates." Mokuba said knowingly. "And, as usual, I have to take over the business aspect of this bullet train to Hell he calls a company. Now, Max… as far as having you here… I wish you weren't. I… how can I put this… totally frickin' hate your guts."

"Oh, but we're such good friends Mokuba-boy!"

"HE LOOKS MORE LIKE A GIRL THAN I DO!" Evil Bakura protested.

"Now, now, Bakura-Girl, there's no need to get angry…"

"God dammit, I hate you."

* * *

"So, Master Malik, are you feeling better?" Odion asked as the ending credits of 'The Empire Strikes Back' rolled.

"Ugh… where am I? What's going on?"

"You suffered a slight mishap in your plans. I hope you'll be back on track now."

"Ah. Why does my head feel like it's been struck repeatedly with a blunt object?"

Odion shifted to better hide the club behind his back. "Um… you were attacked by a baseball player?"

"Ah, well, remind me to kill a few of them later. Hopefully I'll get the right one." Malik said coldly.

_Ah, finally. Back to his old evil self! I just knew a concussion and prolonged Darth Vader exposure would undo all the crap he's been through lately._

"Now, it's time to get back on task. I need to claim victory in the Battle City tournament, so I can make the almighty powers of the pharaoh my own! But first, I'll need to infiltrate the tournament. Odion, you will pretend to be me, while I pretend to be the kindhearted Namu!"

"Of course, s– wait, what? That doesn't make any sense, they KNOW you. They know what you look like! And they know I'm not you!"

"Ah, but I'll be wearing a disguise!" Malik said. He reached into his pocket, pulled out an eyepatch, and put it on.

That was it.

"… sir, a lab rat could come up with a better disguise." Odion said, his frustration rising. Apparently, he'd managed only a partial 'Malik reboot'. "And even if that somehow, in some incomprehensible way, managed to fool them, there would still be the problem of THEY KNOW THAT I'M NOT YOU! Malik…"

"Namu."

"Dammit, sir…"

"No, no, you can't call me sir. I'm in disguise. Now remember, I'm Namu… And 'Greg the Bunny' depends on our success!"

((_LEMME OUT!)) _Yami Malik roared inside the rod. _((I'm going to kill you if I have to break out of this rod and BUILD a body to do it! I will MAKE a body out of ROCKS, and I will possess it and KILL YOU! GOD DAMMIT, YOU COULD AT LEAST TRY TO BRING BACK A GOOD SHOW! HOW ABOUT BUFFY THE VAMPIRE SLAYER? THE X-FILES? **ANYTHING THAT LASTED MORE THAN FIVE EPISODES?**))_

_Good T.V. shows are never appreciated in their time._

_((Maybe. Or maybe they just suck.))_

_But…_

_((Have you considered that maybe, if they were good, someone besides you would have watched them?))_

_Dammit, how many times have I told you to stop insulting my television? I swear, if you say even one more word, I will…_

_((What? What'll you do? We've been over this before, sparky. You're not going to do anything, you're just going to cry.))_

_But… but… but… _

_((Aw, what's a matter? Crybaby gonna cry? Gonna cry for mommy? Gonna cry for your mommy to come help you? Gonna cry?))_

"WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!" Malik burst into tears.

_((Loser.))_

* * *

"Sooooo… Max. We've all talked to each other, y'know, had a conversation and… well… we're not really COMFORTABLE with you being here." Yami said.

"Awwww, why not Yugi-boy?"

"You hate me." Yami said.

"You hate my best friend." Joey said.

"You hate my brother's best friend." Serenity said.

"You sucked my soul out with your magic eye." Mokuba said.

"VOICES, VOICES EVERYWHERE!" Kaiba shrieked.

"Actually, I kinda like you," Ash said. "You remind me of home."

"It's the voice." Misty agreed. "And the weird 'sorta-evil' attitude."

"Pie!" Tristan said.

"I like pie!" Tea said.

"I shee pink ponies!" Mai slurred.

"M- m- m- m- m- m- m- Mr. P- p-p-p-p-pegasus… can I have your autograph?" Duke 'Why is he here?' Devlin asked.

"Owwww… I feel like someone hit me in the head." Brock said.

"**THE LORD OF THE VOICES REVEALS HIMSELF! HAVE AT THEE, MONSTER!" **Kaiba roared, tackling Brock.

Yami sighed deeply. "You guys aren't helping."

"Now, Yugi-boy, I understand we've had our trouble in the past. But can't we learn to get along? I think we could really become good friends if you gave me a chance. I have a Millennium Eye, and Toon World after all!"

"… Okay, I just don't understand how that's supposed to make me like you more. I have very personal, unpleasant experiences with both of the objects you just mentioned."

"But they're so COOL."

"Yeah, even if that were the case, you're clearly planning to kill me. Why else would you be here?"

"Why, for card-games, of course! I love cards!"

"I love cards too!" Tea said.

"Dude, I can tell you're planning to kill me!" Yami said, ignoring Tea's interjection.

"Oh, now what gave you that idea?"

"The big freakin' knife in your robe pocket that says 'Yami-killin' knife' on the handle. Also, you said you were here to get your revenge on me!"

"Oh, that's just my card-game revenge! I have a reputation to maintain, you know. And I'm certainly not going to kill you after I win; using you as a blood sacrifice in a dark ritual to restore my lost wife to the world of the living in Tea's body!"

"… wait, what?"

_Oh, just stop worrying, Yami. Let's give him a second chance! _Yugi thought.

_((Yugi, can you remember how many good ideas you've had recently? Oh, wait, that's right, NONE. How about you just keep your brain shut, because your stupidity is what got us into this crazy mess.))_

_Yami. I know you've had a bad run, recently. I know you've done a number of things that could be considered UNKIND, even EVIL. You've vaporized some people, and that was wrong. You erased Tea's mind, and that was also wrong. But I think that YOU deserve a second chance. And if you do, doesn't Pegasus?  
((Well… maybe…))_

_Yes. Yes he does. Everyone, everywhere, has the potential to change, to set their feet back on the path to good. Now take a deep breath, calm down, and for God's sake, stop being so paranoid! NOBODY is out to get you._

_((Except the 'Queen'.))_

_Yeah, I guess. But does she really count? I mean, we all know who she is._

_((True. I guess nothing has REALLY happened. Maybe I AM perfectly safe!)) _Yami turned to face Pegasus and said. "Actually, Max, I'm willing to give you the benefit of the doubt!" he said. Then he turned to walk toward the blimp and find his room aboard it. But as he did so, he accidentally kicked a small rock. This rock flew through the air and struck something solid… in empty space. The air shimmered, revealing a half-mechanical man carrying a katana and wearing a black outfit. He smelled distinctly of rot.

"Blast!" the man said. "My cloaking device has been damaged! I must abandon my quest to assassinate the pharaoh now that I have been discovered!" The man cursed, escaping from the stadium in a series of fantastic leaps.

"… … … holy crap." Joey said.

_Oh, no. _Yugi moaned. _Don't tell me that was…_

"INVISIBLE CYBORG ZOMBIE NINJA!" Yami screamed.

Pegasus said, "Okay, now I realize this looks bad, but I had NOTHING to do with that guy…"

"Please, not now." Yami said, eyes wide and skin pale. "There's… there's something I have to do."

((_Yugi?))_

_Yes, Yami? _Yugi said in a stunned tone of thought.

_((There's something very, very important that I need to tell you. This is major, so listen closely.))_

_Okay._

_((Ready?))_

_Yeah._

_((You're sure?))_

_Yup._

_((TOLD YOU SO. I KNEW IT, I KNEW I WAS RIGHT AND I TOLD YOUbut you WOULDN'T LISTEN! **I. TOLD. YOU. SO!**))_

_Yeah. I probably deserved that._

"Okay, I'm done with that. Now, I wonder who sent that guy?"

* * *

"DAMMIT! Those invisible cyborg zombie ninjas do NOT live up to their reputation!" The Dark, Foul, Evil Sorceress of Chaos and Destruction™ said, looking into her evil scrying cup of coffee. "And they don't come cheap, either! Now I can't afford to buy caramel popcorn anymore! I have to buy regular popcorn! CURSE YOU, PHARAOH, YOU SHALL PAY FOR THIS!"

"Excuse me, could you quiet down?" one of the other clinic members said. "We're trying to watch the T.V. Stan got the first season of '24' on DVD!"

"Oooooooooh, just a second. I'll make some popcorn."

* * *

"Miss Isis, glad you could make it! Everyone else is already on the blimp, you made it just in time." Mokuba said to the dignified Egyptian woman who approached the sign-in point.

"So, am I the last to arrive?" Isis asked.

"Oh, no, we're still waiting on… oh, there's Malik and Odion! Hey, Malik! Odion, over here!" Mokuba said, waving.

Malik, still wearing his eye-patch, and Odion walked up to the group.

"Now, I realize this is just formality, but please state your names." Mokuba chuckled.

Silence. Odion sighed deeply.

"C'mon." Malik urged him.

"But, sir…"

"DO IT!"

"… … … Malik. My name is Malik." Odion said, burying his face in his hands in humiliation.

"… what?" Mokuba asked. "He's Malik." The younger Kaiba said, pointing at Malik.

"What? No I'm not! I'm the kindhearted Namu!" Malik said.

"What? What the Hell are you talking about?" Mokuba asked.

"Hey, Malik! We're all going to the Olive Garden for dinner after the tournament, you want to come with?" Yugi asked, poking his head out of the airship.

"Sure, why not, I like… I mean, who are you talking to? I'm Namu!"

"… Odion, I think you may have hit him too hard when you rebooted him." Yugi said.

"No, if anything, I didn't hit him hard enough," Odion grumbled. "He's still alive."

"Who are you talking to?" Malik asked nervously. "There's no Odion here, just me, this nice lady who I've never met, and Malik over here!" Malik said, pointing at Odion.

"Well, whatever. See you in the air!" Yugi said, going back to his room.

"… so, who should I be signing up under what name?" Mokuba asked.

"Oh, who really cares? Just sign me up under Malik, and put him down for whatever lame-ass name he wants. It's just a stupid game anyway." Odion said.

"Good point. Okay, Malik and Namu."

"PERFECT! My disguise has functioned exactly as planned!" Malik gloated.

"Sir, they know it's you. They just invited you to dinner, by name."

"… they may have been talking to you."

"That was arguable, until you ACCEPTED."

"… they offered Italian. I can't turn down Italian, you know that."

"Ah, Odion. So glad to see you could make it." Isis said glacially. Malik and Odion both paled considerably.

"Lady Isis. I'm sorry for my actions in the past, but I must obey our mother's last wishes, you know this."

"Of course. But why aren't you obeying them now? Where, pray tell, IS our homicidal younger brother?"

"… … … wait, what?" Odion asked.

"Where is Malik?"

"… … … … … … You're joking, right?"

"Not at all. Where is he?"

"HE'S RIGHT HERE!" Odion said, pointing at Malik.

"That's true. I'm lookin' right at him." Mokuba said.

Isis frowned. "I don't appreciate you two making fun of me. We all know my brother doesn't wear an eye-patch. Nice to meet you, Namu." She said, favoring her 'disguised' brother with a pleasant smile and boarding the blimp.

There was absolute, utter silence for several seconds.

"This is the best. Eye-patch. EVER." Malik said.

Nobody disagreed.

* * *

((_Oooooooooooooooooooooooh, Kaiba suuuuuucks… Kaiba totally suuuuuuucks… Kaiba really supremely suuuuuucks…)) _Inner Yugi sang.

_Dammit all, this was supposed to be my crowning moment, not my biggest breakdown yet! Here I am, trapped in my head with you, while my body babbles incoherently. And you keep singing that god-awful song. It doesn't even have TUNE, you just keep repeating the same damn words over and over._

_((I know! I'm thinking of selling it to the Black-Eyed Peas™. It's just like everything they've ever written. And I can't think of a better subject for a crappy song than a crappy YOU.))_

_Burn in Hell, Inner Yugi. You've cost me my dream, and I swear I will find a way to destroy you, I SWEAR IT._

_((HA! Oh, what a great dream. Your wonderful life goal of winning at cards! You are the biggest geek of all time, dude.))_

_I… I… I… I am. _

_((Damn straight!))_

_I'm a total loser. I'm a worthless twit. Everyone else is all 'ancient destiny', and I go out of my way to DENY that. Everything that makes them better than me, I do my best to get rid of. I suck._

_((Okay, stop it, you're stealing my thunder here. Making you feel bad is MY job.)) _Inner Yugi said indignantly.

_No, really. There's nothing good about me… but I can change that!_

_((What are you talking about?))_

_Well, what makes Yugi and co. good? MAGIC! All I need to do to make myself cool is get my hands on some magic!_

_((… I guess that's logical…))_

_Ah, but where to get it? I mean, there's not much magic just lying around. Where, praytell, would I locate some wondrous magical powers, Inner Yugi? _Kaiba asked, his tone implying he already knew the answer.

_((I… I guess I don't know? Odd, considering I'm a part of your mind. How would I not know?))_

_Oh, Inner Yugi, you simple, simple fool. _Kaiba mentally chuckled. _I know exactly where to locate the most fearsome magic of all time. I simply need to go there and TAKE it! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! _Getting up from his breakdown, Kaiba dusted himself off, picked a pair of underwear off his head, and went to the cockpit.

"Course correction, Lieutenant Mokuba! Before we start the finals, there's something I need to pick up…" Kaiba said sinisterly. Then he began to laugh maniacally.

Mokuba sighed. "Oh look, Seto's back."

"AHEM!"

"… General Seto."

* * *

"Ah, '24'. Now that is BOLD television!" The Dark, Foul, Evil Sorceress of Chaos and Destruction™ said as she walked back to her room. "I feel bad for poor Jack, I guess, his life sucks… but it looks so exciting! To be caught up in the plots of evil, evil men; swept away by forces so far out of your league that they might as well be playing a different game. In short, to be nothing but a pawn in the schemes of terrifying people! Someday, I hope I can be involved in such an evil plot!"

She opened the door to her Evil Anonymous bedroom, to find one of the walls completely gone, and Kaiba sitting on her bed smiling wickedly.

"Hi," He said. "Remember me?"

"OH GOD I'M SORRY FOR WHATEVER I DID, PLEASE DON'T HURT ME!" She shrieked, throwing herself on the floor.

"Relaaaax. I'm not here to hurt you this time. In fact, I think we just might be able to make a deal…"

* * *

Deep beneath the surface of the Pacific Ocean, between the Islands of Japan and another, much smaller island, a sinister intellect laid in wait.

"Oh, I've got a lovely bunch of coconuts… there they are a-standing in a rooooow… big ones, small ones, some as big as yer head…" Noah sang. "Oh, computer, my best friend. I know that it's a waste of time, but where might Seto happen to be, great best computer who is wonderful?" Noah squeaked, his eyes staring off in two different directions.

"KaibaCraft One has left Domino and is beginning to make the trip to KaibaCorp. Island." The computer said.

"How dare you!" Noah snarled. "You must think I'm a real moron, to fall for such an obvious deception! After all this time, Seto won't be coming here, no sir."

"No, really, sir. Seto Kaiba is on his way here. Heading directly for your trap."

"Liar." Noah growled. "You stupid, lying whore! I KNOW Seto can't really be on his way here! I KNOW IT! SETO WON'T COME! He CAN'T COME! The Gods won't allow it! MY FORTRESS IS CURSED!"  
"Seto is coming. He's coming here."

"Dammit, Computer, I won't be talking to you until you stop this ridiculous charade."

Sighing deeply, the computer made an image appear on Noah's viewscreen; KaibaCraft One, in the air.

"… … … … … … … HALLELUJAH!" Noah screamed. He jumped up and started dancing around the room, singing religious hymns at the top of his lungs.

"I was built by an idiot." The computer said.

* * *

Back at the stadium, a pick-up truck pulled in with a large stone coffin in the back. Getting out of the front, The Queen of the Rare Hunters adjusted her robes and cackled wickedly. "HEE HEE HEE! I hope all you fools are ready to bow to my superior… power…"

She looked around the empty stadium. She looked left. She looked right.

"DAMMIT, THEY LEFT WITHOUT ME!" She whined.


	21. Chapter Nineteen

Chapter 19: Dark, Foul, Evil Sorcery of Chaos and Destruction!

"Wait, wait, wait. You want me to make you… MORE insane?" The Dark, Foul, Evil Sorceress of Chaos and Destruction asked Kaiba doubtfully. The two were aboard his blimp, in the blimp War Room (By now, you probably should have guessed that every structure Kaiba owned had a war room).

"No, not at all. I just want you to give me an extra mind in my brain."

"Most people would call that insane, buddy."

"No, I thought about it for a long time. Yugi is a gangly little twerp. What makes him cool? Extra mind. Bakura is a prissy, whiny little wuss. What makes him evil? Extra mind. What I need is for you to give me a mind that is both cool AND super-evil, making me instantly better than both of them."

"Well, okay, if you say so… still sounds a little crazy to me."

"Well, we clearly have very different ideas of crazy." Kaiba said sagely. "Dammit Inner Yugi! If you don't shut the Hell up, I will stab myself in the brain with a fork, I swear it!" he suddenly screamed to nobody in particular.

"… yeah, I can see how we'd have different 'perspectives' on insanity…" The Dark, Foul, Evil Sorceress of Chaos and Destruction said slowly. "Well, I'll get started. To craft such ancient, powerful magicks as those you seeks shall take many nights, and many valuable and rare components and tomes of mystical power. It shall culminate on a blood ritual to capture the power of the next full moon."

"Ya got five minutes."

"… huh?"

"I need this new personality before the finals start, and I'm going to start them in five minutes. You better hurry."

"… um… I don't think you really understand how this stuff works…"

"Do it or I'll shoot you."

"OKAY! Let's get a quickie spell going!" The Sorceress said brightly.

"That's what I thought. Oh, and by the by, I'll want my personality attached to a convenient item too, m'kay?"

"… you want me to make you a Millennium Item? Do I LOOK like an ancient pharaoh with the power of the Gods at his beck and call?"

"Oh, you don't have to worry about that." Kaiba chuckled. "The item in question has already been MADE! Behold, my Millennium Checkbook!" he proclaimed, holding up a checkbook that had been spray-painted gold. An eye made of tinfoil had been attached to the point, apparently with duct tape. It too was covered in gold spray paint.

"… … yeah, we definitely have different standards for 'crazy'." The Sorceress said.

"I know I mentioned the 'shoot you' part of the arrangement…"

"All right, I'm working!"

* * *

"I wonder what they're doing in there?" Malik asked, as the assembled group waited outside the War Room for Kaiba to come out and announce the order of matches. 

"Well, I'm no expert…" Tristan said.

"That's implied by the fact that you're, well, you. You can't be an expert without a working brain." Evil Bakura informed him.

"… but I bet cheese is involved."

"… … … … honestly, how do you get yourself dressed in the morning?"

Meanwhile, in the War Room…

"Mmmm, this cheese is delicious!" Kaiba said. "Hey, wait, we're supposed to be doing dark magic, not eating cheeses! GET BACK TO WORK!"

Back Outside…

"Maybe they're watching cartoons?"

"No Tristan, they're not watching cartoons. Now why don't you do us all a favor and choke on your own tongue?" Yami said.

"That wasn't me!" Tristan protested.

"I said that, Yugi-boy! I know that when I pick up an evil wizard in my blimp, we always watch cartoons!" Pegasus chimed in.

"You've picked up evil wizards in your blimp?" Odion asked him.

"Well… not really…"

"You don't have a blimp at all, do you?" Odion asked him.

"… … … … no. I sometimes like to pretend I do."

Odion patted Malik on the back. "Good news, sir. You're not the worst villain the show has ever seen."

"Excellent, Odion, I knew I couldn't be on the bottom… I mean 'What do you mean, guy who I've never met? I'm not a villain, I'm just kindhearted Namu!'" Malik said, giving Odion a conspiratorial wink with his uncovered eye.

"On the other hand, maybe I should reserve judgment on that subject." Odion said mournfully.

Evil Bakura leaned back against the wall with a satisfied smirk. "Winner, and still champion, of the 'Greatest Villain' award."

Inside the Millennium Rod, Yami Malik thought _((When I get out of here, I am going to kill every last one of you. 'Greatest Villain', my ass. Who here skinned their father alive? ME! Oh, yeah, I'm the man.))_

Just then, the door open, and Kaiba emerged… sort of. He was wearing a bright pink coat, his face had clearly received a liberal amount of makeup, and he had a brilliant smile on his face. "Ohhhh, the HILLS are aliiiiiiive, with the sound of muuuuusiiiic LAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!" he sang, doing a pirouette. "Oh, my friends, it shall soon be time for us to play fun games, and sing wonderful songs. Just as soon as I redecorate this dreary airship! My airship must be a brilliant place of music and flowers, filled with wondrous carven images of unicorns and fairies. Ah, it shall be glorious!" Kaiba gushed.

You could have cut the silence with a knife.

"Oh. My. God." Yami said softly. He walked up to Kaiba, put a hand on Kaiba's shoulder to brace himself, and then punched Seto in the face as hard as he could.

"WHAT THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING?" Yami roared. "YOU CAN'T JUST DO THIS CRAP, YOU MORON! IN CASE YOU DIDN'T NOTICE, WE DON'T HAVE A WHOLE LOTTA VILLAINS GOING HERE! YOU CAN'T JUST TURN INTO A #$(&#$($#(!$)&(#&($#(#!$(&# PANSY ON ME, NOW GO BACK TO EVIL OR I SWEAR TO GOD I WILL BEAT YOU TO DEATH WITH MY FREAKIN' PUZZLE!"

"H-huh? What's going… where am I?" Kaiba asked. Then his eyes filled with rage. "Thank you, Yugi. I need to go have words with someone." He walked back into the War Room and closed the door. "WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT? I WANTED AN EVIL COOL PERSONALITY, NOT AN INTERIOR DECORATOR! MAKE ME A BETTER EXTRA MIND!" A flash could be seen under the door, and Kaiba walked back out. This time he had a wild, crazy look in his eyes, and his hair had become significantly longer and spikier.

"Ka-hahahaha… welcome, my friends, to the end of days." He said. "Now that I have arisen, the true shadow game can begin… what, you don't seem to understand? I am the true Malik, drawn out of the Millennium Rod and into this fool's body by that imbecilic witch's miscast spell! Now, I shall spread out through the world and cover all that lives with my infinite darkness, condemning the pathetic mortals of this world to an eternity in Hell! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

Malik sighed and held up the Millennium Rod. It glowed a little, and when it stopped Kaiba was back to normal.

((_DAMMIT!)) _Yami Malik thought.

Kaiba sighed sadly and went back into the War Room.

* * *

"You listen to me, and you listen good. I want evil. I want cool. I do not want a reject from 'Queer Eye', and I don't want somebody else's secondhand serial killer." Kaiba said. 

"All right, maybe if you try to give me a more thorough description, I can get it closer to what you're looking for."

"Hmmm… my other mind should be diabolical. Evil, yet cool. He should have a fondness for trenchcoats. He should be a clever and ruthless businessman, the sort who would kill his own father to take over the family company. But he also needs to have a soft side, say like a fondness for his sibling. Oh, and of course, an elite duelist."

The Sorceress just stared at him. "Do you listen to yourself when you talk?"

"Huh? What do you mean by that?"

"You just told me to give you a second, magical mind, that's EXACTLY like the one you already have!"

"I don't have any idea what you're talking about."

"YOU JUST DESCRIBED YOURSELF!"

"No, I didn't. I'm tall. He doesn't have to be tall."

"YES HE DOES! HE'S USING YOUR BODY!"

"Oh. Well, okay then. Set me up with another me." Kaiba said.

"But why? What's the point?"

"Well, I'm the best guy in the world, right?"  
Silence.

Kaiba got out his gun.

"RIGHT!" The Sorceress said hurriedly.

"But Yugi and Bakura and such are better than me, even though I'm the best, because there's two of them! I'm better than any ONE person. So I figure, if there's two of ME, there would need to be THREE people in one body to be better, and nobody has that."

"… … … … I suppose in your twisted world, that makes sense."

"And my world is the only one that matters." Kaiba agreed. "So, okay, get magicianing. Cook me up some extra me!"

"Sure, okay, why not. Flibbidy flobbidy floo." She said, waving her hands in Kaiba's direction. "There we go, done, you've got a new mind,"

"… really? I don't feel any different."

"Sure you do, you just don't realize it because you… um… you're on a higher plane of thought."

"Okaaaaaay… why can't I hear my other self thinking to me?"

"Well he's you, isn't he? His thoughts sound exactly the same as yours, so you can't tell if he's talking or if you're having an idea."

"Ah! That makes sense. Okay, I'm going off now to conquer my foes with my new alternate self!" Kaiba said, heading back to tournamentville.

The Dark, Foul, Evil Sorceress of Chaos and Destruction™ chuckled and sat down, putting her feet on the war room table. "And people call ME an idiot."

* * *

As the group gathered for the tournament drawing, they couldn't help but agree that whatever the D.F.E.S. of C. and A.™ had done to Kaiba, it had least brought him back to normal. 

"Ha, ha, ha… oh, you utterly useless dolts have no IDEA what awaits you." He chuckled. "Now, it's time to get my utter domination of you sad, sad little fools on the road. Everyone, you will please note my delightful Blue Eyes Dragon Tournament Order Selector. Any compliments you have may be delivered now."

Misty raised her hand. "It's ugly."

"And sad. Ugly and sad." Tea agreed.

"Couldn't we just draw straws or somethin'?" Joey asked.

"M-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-mr. P-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-pegasus… can I have your autograph NOW? You, uh, n-never really answered me before…" Duke said, and ran away screaming.

"Go get me some coffee, Lenny-boy." Pegasus said without turning.

"YESSIR!" Duke said, ignoring both the fact that he was being snubbed and that his idol didn't know his name.

"It does seem needlessly complex for just drawing lots." Yugi admitted.

"… I'll allow you your uninformed opinions, given that you are all soon to be crushed by my superior power. Now, the first match shall be a double-duel, to weed out the losers that managed to sneak aboard past the death squads," Kaiba said, motioning to Weevil and Rex.

"Um… could you not insult us when we're right here?" Weevil asked.

"DID I SAY YOU COULD TALK?" Kaiba inquired coldly.

"N-no…"

"Then how about you SHUT YOUR MOUTH, you little virus. I haven't forgotten how you tried to sell me a fake deck not so very long ago, and you're skating on thin ice. You don't want to know how my evil other personality will deal with you!"

"Wait, what?" Yugi asked.

"Nothing. Now, to beat Weevil and Rex…"

"What if we win?" Rex asked.

There was a break in the conversation while everyone in the room except the extradimensional visitors burst into laughter.

"Y-yeah… sure… you're gonna win HAHAHAHAHAHA!" Kaiba said, tears flowing from his eyes. "Okay, we're going to let the machine pick two people to team up and kick the crap out of the two sacrificial lambs. All right, #1 is… well, duh. Yugi, you're up."

"YEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!" Yami screamed. "FINALLY! PREPARE FOR **BATTLE! **THE PHARAOH IS READY TO LAY THE ANCIENT EGYPTIAN SMACKDOWN!"

Silence.

"((Sooooo… that hair is the sign of some kind of lingering brain trauma?))" Pikachu asked.

"It's great that you have so much enthusiasm for your dream!" Ash said. Pikachu bit his ankle.

"Moving on. Your partner will be… uh oh," Kaiba said.

"What? What's wrong… NO FREAKIN' WAY!" Yami protested, coming forward to look at his partner. "You can't seriously expect me to work with him!"

Joey stepped up to take a look. "Well, I'm assumin' it ain't me, so who's gonna be Yug's… are you serious? Kaiba, does your computer have a BRAIN? Does it not know that throwing fire into a pool of gasoline is a bad thing? Does it WANT to get the apocalypse started early?"

"What's the big deal?" Brock asked. Kaiba punched him in the face.

"That 'no talking' rule still applies, voice thief!"

"As much as I like the violence," Misty admitted, "I also find myself wondering exactly what the problem is."

Kaiba pointed to Yugi's partner.

"Again: NO. FREAKIN'. WAY!" Yami roared.

"Oh, dear." Bakura said. "Why is everyone staring at me?"

Misty sighed. "THAT is the problem? How is Cheerful McBritish a problem?"

"Heh, heh, heh, heh… yes, how am I a problem?" Evil Bakura asked. "I can't WAIT to play a friendly, totally aboveboard and friendly game with my good, good friend Yami. It will be ever so much good, quality fun. Excuse me while I go back to my room to get three hundred feet of extension cord, a high-powered battery, and pliers of varying sizes. For, y'know… home improvement."

"But… we're on a blimp?" Misty said doubtfully.

"I need to…. Improve, the blimp, so it's more… homey?" Evil Bakura struggled. "Oh, screw it!" he said, throwing an arm around Yami's shoulder amicably. "We both know that I'm going to murder you the moment you're not focusing on me, so we may as well get used to it. Now, what material would you like your coffin made out of?"

"… … … … … … So, Kaiba. What does this blimp have in the way of bodyguard services?" Yami asked.

* * *

Author Note: Short, I know. Sorry, but school has started back up… and I am, as mentioned before, damnably lazy. I'll try to make the next one a more acceptable length. 

(and the review responses have been removed, because there is no way I want to upload Continue: Platinum Edition(tm) unless I have to :D )


	22. Chapter 20

Author's Note: Apparently, there are no more review responses allowed. I don't know this for sure, but I don't want to risk it. This is the kind of thing that really strikes home to me the irony of slogan, 'Unleash Your Imagination and Free your Soul'. Ironic because yes, the fact that they so routinely manage to piss me off proves that they are very imaginative, but it also quite accurately proves that they have no souls. Y'know, what with being EVIL DEMONS.

And speaking of being demons, the anime Chrono Crusade (or Chrno Crusade, depending on what country you live in) is now my most favoritest thing. Nuns with guns fighting fiends from Hell, how can you top that?

Author's Note 2: You guys were right, YGO GX did get better. I tuned back in for five or six episodes, and they actually seemed to be doing something. Jayden was still annoying as Hell, so I stopped watching again, but at least now they have some purpose. But that's not the point. My point? I typed this in chapter 17: 'Come on, you can't tell me that Kaiba isn't there. Who else would POSSIBLY fund a card game academy?'

My point? I am so smart it hurts. KAIBA DOES OWN THE DUEL ACADEMY. One of the episodes I watched confirmed it. Damn, I'm good.

Chapter 20: Friendly Enem… actually, just enemies.

"Will you stop that?" Evil Bakura grated.

"Stop what?" Yami asked.

"Stop BREATHING my air."

"I am not breathing your air, I'm breathing MY air. I'm the Pharaoh, all the air is mine. In fact, I command you to kill yourself to free up my oxygen for my royal use."

"I've got an idea, how about I fix it so you don't NEED air anymore? I've got a wonderful selection of knives in my home, I can go get a few of the bigger ones and be back here in twenty minutes."

"Okay, screw this! Kaiba, I refuse to work with him anymore! I simply cannot pair myself with someone so obviously interested in killing and robbing me."

"… … the duel hasn't even started yet. We haven't even reached the arena yet." Kaiba said.

"Do you really think the duel will be BETTER in some way?" Evil Bakura asked.

"No, not really." Kaiba admitted. "But sometime on the way here, I just realized that, oh yeah, I don't really CARE what happens to either one of you. So, like, Bakura, if you want to stab Yugi with a barbecue fork? Cool. Yugi? If you were to kill Bakura with a chainsaw? I don't mind. Go ahead. Chop her up."

"Chop… her… up?" Evil Bakura growled.

"Oh, it was a slip of the tongue," Kaiba assured him, smirking evilly. "Bakura-Girl."

"You know, I have a LOT of knives, and not ALL of them are reserved for Yami…"

Kaiba pressed a button on his watch, and a machine gun popped out of the wall and pointed at Evil Bakura's face. "Yeah, threatening me in my own blimp? Not a good idea, sparky."

"Fair enough. As long as you keep in mind that all threatening WILL resume as normal once we're outside Kaiba-controlled territory. Y'know, standard evil threatening procedures."

"Well, I wouldn't expect anything less. You just feel free to threaten me when we're in neutral ground, and you can continue any other threatening or threat-based activities towards any non-Kaiba while aboard KaibaCraft One. You know, the standard non-family evil threat disclosure agreement."

"Wow, and without a contract? That's a good deal."

"Yeah, KaibaCorp. Is sensitive to all the villainous needs of our guests. It's part of our major business plan since 1976 to give any and all concessions to our evil clients to allow them to effectively pursue their evil lifestyle as much as possible when on KaibaCorp. Property, with a minimum of red tape. Because when you deal with KaibaCorp., we understand that sometimes you have to murder some people… and we can live with death." Kaiba said, giving the air of someone reading from a teleprompter.

"You… you actually have a section of your corporate business statement devoted to evil?" Yami asked.

"Name me a major corporation that doesn't."

"Why are you even worried, Pharaoh? I mean, we're on the SAME SIDE. I would never stab my partner in the back." Evil Bakura said honestly.

There was silence for a few seconds.

"AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" Everyone in the elevator broke out laughing in unison. "Yeah, even I didn't believe me that time," Evil Bakura admitted, wiping a tear of mirth from his eye.

"Oh, Bakura, that's what I like about you. You're a vicious, contemptible bastard, and you're cheerful about it. You never pull this stupid crap the other villains do… yapping about cartoons for three hours, playing ring-around-the-rosie with Tea, just generally sucking… you're just plain good and evil." Yami said appreciatively.

"It's nice of you to say that, Pharaoh. I do my best to be intimidating and violent at all times." Evil Bakura said.

And that was when the elevator air duct popped open, and the monkey attacked.

* * *

Weevil fidgeted nervously, shivering next to Rex in the duel arena while the rest of the gang waited in the audience. "Soooo… what's taking them so long?" 

"Why do you care? You're going to lose anyway." Joey said.

"Yeah, we know," Rex admitted, "But we'd like to get it over with so we can prepare to escape whatever Kaiba does to the losers. You just KNOW that freak is going to pull something crazy."

"… yeah, the Death Squads were kind of a tip off that maybe you shouldn't stick around too long after a loss." Serenity said.

"Nobody ever dies on my show…" Ash said, in a daze. "Think of my nice, happy show…"

"What's wrong with him?" Duke asked.

"Meh." Misty replied. "I guess all the violence and anger you guys have going finally short-circuited him. Don't worry, he'll be fine as soon as someone starts talking about Pokémon…"

"Yay! Pokémon!" Ash chirped.

"… ugh." Joey said.

"Is Pokémon anything like pancakes?" Tristan asked idly. "Because I enjoy the Italian language. Guten tag!"

"… my God, do you even listen to what you say? Do you have any idea what words are coming out of your mouth?" Serenity asked in disgust.

"I try not to pay too much attention to that sort of thing." Tristan said.

The elevator dinged, arriving at the arena. Two of the three men inside walked out calmly, and the third ran out screaming with a monkey attached to his head. "Really amazing how, even in that enclosed space, the monkey only attacks him, isn't it?" Kaiba said, in the tone of voice of someone discussing the weather.

"Oh, yes, yes, quite fascinating." Yami replied in the same uninterested tone.

"WOULD ONE OF YOU MORONS HELP ME?" Evil Bakura shrieked.

"Meh." Kaiba and Yami said at the same time.

"Look, guys, someone get the monkey off him so we can get the finals going sometime this month." Joey said.

"Okay, I'll…" Brock began.

"NOT YOU! SOMEONE ELSE! YOU JUST STAND IN THE CORNER AND DON'T DO ANYTHING!" Kaiba roared.

After a few more minutes of discussion on who was allowed to stop the monkey, who actually cared enough to stop the monkey, and the best tactics which to use for said monkey-stopping, Bakura was finally saved when Pegasus lured the creature away with a banana kept conveniently in his vest pocket.

"What?" Pegasus asked indignantly, the monkey on his shoulder. "Like none of you carry your own tropical fruits."

"I always have a mango!" Tristan confirmed.

"Can we… can we just… start?" Evil Bakura gasped.

"Very well. DUEL!" Yami shouted, and the life point counters activated.

Evil Bakura drew a card. "My turn first. Now, Pharaoh…I'm feeling a little dizzy. I've lost a little too much blood for comfort, over here. So I would like to propose a truce, seeing as I am really in no position to assassinate anyone right at this moment. We can go right ahead with killing each other when I'm feeling a little better, okay?"

"I… I guess two-on-two is better odds than three-on-one. Very well, I accept you peace offering." Yami said graciously. "Let's really, really stomp these losers."

"Good call! I play the Headless Knight in attack mode!" Evil Bakura said, laying the ghostly soldier on the field. Weevil drew and played a Larva Moth in defense mode, obviously trying to begin his Great Moth combo. He then bolstered his defenses with a face-down card.

_((All right, my turn. Let's see… I could play Heavy Storm to remove Weevil's trap, and then play Gazelle the Mythical Beast to attack his insect…))_

_Wait, are you allowed to attack before Rex goes? I know these double duels have different rules…_

_((Yugi, it's KAIBA'S tournament. The rules? Not so major.))_

_Point. Strike away, young Pharaoh!_

"My turn! Mmmmmmm… oh, yeah. I just need a few seconds to… to DRINK in that. My turn…" Yami sighed.

"Dude, stop that. You're scaring the Hell out of all of us, seriously." Evil Bakura said, disgusted.

"Well, SOOOOOOORRY. It's just that dueling is kinda what I DO, and I just never get to DO it anymore. Forgive me for ENJOYING my HOBBY." Yami said. "Now, I play Heavy Storm, to destroy all magic and trap cards on the field!" The huge vortex arose, destroying Weevil's face-down, and Yami continued, "And I now play Gazelle, the King of Mythical Beasts! Attack Bakura!"

"WHAT?" Bakura asked in shock, as Yami's monster ate his knight.

Bakura's LP: 3950

"WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT?" Evil Bakura screamed in utter rage.

"Oh, man, I'm sorry!" Yami said. "It's, just… well… you're so EVIL, that when you're around… y'know, attacking you is sort of reflex at this point."

"Oh REALLY? Well, I have reflexes too! Here, I'll play Ryu-Kishin Powered, and… oh, I don't know… KICK YOUR ASS!"

"Um… isn't it my turn?" Rex asked.

"SHUT UP!" Evil Bakura roared at him.

"Sorry…"

"Now, where was I? Oh yeah, ASS KICKING!"

Yugi's LP: 3900

"HEY! I thought we had a truce!"

"That was when I was feeling WOOZY, you know, right before you tried to kill me! I feel a LOT better now!"

"REALLY? Well, I feel pretty good too! Good enough to play BETA THE MAGNET WARRIOR!"

"Hey, it's my mo-" Weevil began.

"SHUT UP!" Yami screamed.

"… Eep."

"NOW, ATTACK!"

Bakura's LP: 3850

"Oh, NOW IT'S ON! I play the Dark Ruler Hades!"

"I play Dark Magician Girl!"

"Dark Necrophia!"

"Beast of Gilfer!"

"Earl of Demise!"

"Summoned Skull!"

"What the Hell are they doing?" Rex asked incredulously.

"I have no idea…" Weevil said warily.

"SHUT UP!" Yami and Evil Bakura screamed at them.

"Is… is this even a duel anymore?" Kaiba asked.

"Was it ever one?" Joey countered.

"This game is confusing." Misty said.

"I ritual summon Dark Master Zorc, and he's unstoppable so HA!"

"I ritual summon Black Luster Soldier, and he's MORE unstoppable, so HA HA!"

"DIE!" Evil Bakura said, throwing aside his dueldisc and hurling a massive bolt of black lightning at Yami.

"YOU FIRST!" Yami roared in reply, doing the same. Their bolts of death struck midfield, igniting a major aspect of any anime, the Huge Glowy Beam Fight.

"Soooo… do we win? Are we even still playing?" Rex asked in confusion.

"Hell if I know. I'm getting my Great Moth out, just in case." Weevil shrugged.

And the big glowy beams continued to glow.

* * *

It was on Yugi's field that the 'duel' began to shift. 

The Dark Magician Girl stretched out her arms, yawning. "Wow, this is boring. I usually get to fight stuff by now!" She said. "Sooooo… how you guys doing?"

"Verily, I feel the pull of combat, yet mine lord does engage in his own altercation, and I cannot feel the thrill of battle while he is in danger!" The Black Luster Soldier said.

"… geez, Barry, do you always have to be so stuffy?"

"Verily."

"ROOOOOAR!" Beast of Gilfer said.

"HSSSSSSSSS!" Summoned Skull said.

"Bzzzzzt!" Magnet Warrior said.

"Wow, what wonderful conversationalists we've got going here." Dark Magician Girl groaned. "Hey! Hey you guys! What's going on over there? I thought we were on the same side!"

"**_And all that lives shall burn under my eternal wrath, the sun shall be darkened, and the seas shall be as blood. So I will it, so shall it be done." _**Dark Master Zorc said.

Dark Necrophia rolled her eyes. "Sorry about that, we've got some… odd… folks over here."

"Charlotte? Is that you? Wow, I haven't seen you in ages!"

"Vivian! Hey! Yeah, I've not seen you since you married Dark Magician… how are you two doing, by the way?"

"Oh, great! Our 3,475th anniversary is next week, we're going to Paris!"

"Oh, that's so romantic! It's great that even after all this time, you still have the passion in your relationship."

"Isn't it though? I guess that's what happens when you marry your soulmate!"

"You're a lucky girl, Viv. I wish I could get married… if a certain lazy-ass demon would ever PROPOSE." Charlotte the Dark Necrophia said coldly. Dark Ruler Hades gulped.

"_Now, honey, you know I value my independence…" _

"You've been independent since the dawn of time! It's about time you grew a backbone and settled down, you lazy son of a bitch!" Dark Necrophia snapped.

"She's got a point, Esteban." Dark Magician Girl agreed.

"_Oh, suuuuure, you take her side. All you Dark-attribute girls with special effects are the same! Always ganging up, trying to guilt a guy into tying on the old ball and chain!"_

"Braiiiins… Braaaaaaains!" Earl of Demise groaned, rotting as he was wont to do.

"_You are NOT helping, Roy."_

"Oh, I don't know, he's a more stimulating conversationalist than you are!" Dark Necrophia said.

"You tell him sistah!" Dark Magician Girl cheered.

"_… Dammit, have you two been watching Oprah again?" _

_"**GAZE UPON MY POWER AND TREMBLE!" **_Dark Master Zorc said.

"NAY! CEASE THY PRATTLING, WE MUST TAKE UP ARMS TO AID OUR LORDS ON THE FIELD OF VALOR!" Black Luster Soldier proclaimed.

"Barry, in his own, special way, has a point." Dark Magician Girl admitted. "We ARE in a battle, here. We should help the bosses."

"Bzzzzzt!" Beta the Magnet Warrior said.

"Yes. Bzzzzzzt."

"Soooooo… who are we fighting?" Dark Necrophia asked.

"Gaze ye now upon the rapscallions! They, there, are the ones who oppose noble lord Yugi and must be destroyed like the knaves they are! TO WAR!" Black Luster Soldier said, waving his sword in the direction of Weevil and Rex.

"Um… hi?" Weevil said, terribly confused.

Vivian the Dark Magician Girl narrowed her eyes. "Are you trying to hurt my poor, harmless little master Yugi? Poor, cute, defenseless little Yugi?"

"Well… I mean, I want to beat him in cards…" Rex said helplessly.

"That's all I needed to know. KILL THEM!" Yugi and Bakura's assembled armies leapt on Weevil and Rex and began to beat the crap out of them.

The assembled people, who had been observing this exchange, took this moment to speak their thoughts on the subject.

"HUH?" They said in unison.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH!" Weevil screamed as he was bombarded with flaming mystical death from several angles at once.

"I… I think there may be a minor malfunction with the discs…" Mokuba said, eyes wide.

"GET IT OFF! GET IT OFF!" Rex screamed as Beast of Gilfer tried to eat his leg and Beta punched him repeatedly in the face.

"Okay, I take it back. This game isn't fake at all!" Misty said.

"MY SOUL IS ON FIRE!" Weevil shrieked.

"It's the least you deserve, meanie!" Dark Magician Girl chided him.

"Yeah! Trying to hurt poor little Bakura, you should be ashamed!" Dark Necrophia added, hurling another ball of shadowy death.

"Um… I think we can call this a win in the 'Yugi' column?" Joey said. Rex screamed again, eliciting a wince from Joey. "Please? Before someone dies?"

"Yeah… yeah, I think so." Kaiba said. "Um… Yugi? Bakura? You guys… you guys win?"

"BURN!" Yami and Evil Bakura screamed in unison. "YOU WILL FALL BEFORE MY SUPERIOR POWER! HEY, STOP COPYING ME! I MEAN IT! I **WILL KILL YOU! STOP COPYING ME!**"

"Hey! Idiots! You won, shut down the death machines!" Kaiba shouted.

"Huh? Hey everybody, we won!" Dark Magician Girl cheered.

"HOORAY!" The assembled monsters cheered.

"We sure showed those mean guys!" Dark Magician Girl said cheerfully. "That'll teach 'em!"

"Oh… oh God… my spine… I can't feel my spine…" Weevil groaned.

"Maybe you'll just think about that next time you feel like being a big meanie." Vivian said severely.

"Ah… liver… is in… feet…" Rex moaned, and passed out.

"Well, our work here is done," Dark Necrophia said. "See you around, everyone!" All the monsters disappeared, returning to… wherever monsters go when they leave.

"Wait, what's going on?" Yami asked.

"You won. It was really terrible, I didn't think that duel monsters would be so violent!" Serenity said.

Duke looked at her aghast. "The Hell? You killed like four people today! You almost killed me! And you're scared by THIS?"

"I'm sure I have no idea what you mean." Serenity said innocently.

"I… you… I… you… WE ALL SAW YOU!"

"W-why are you being s-so mean?" Serenity sniffled.

"I… I… I… I… I… never mind. Just screw it." Duke sighed.

"Damn straight. And don't bring it up again." Joey snapped. He wheeled his wheelchair up to Duke and whispered in his ear, "You trying to get us all killed, moron? Just fergit about it! Live and let live!"

"So… um… Pharaoh… we won." Evil Bakura said.

"Yeah, we totally did. On purpose!" Yami said.

"Definitely! Through… through teamwork!"

"Our teamwork and friendship won this battle!" Yami agreed. The two spirits began to laugh together amicably.

"Okay, since you two are already up there, you may as well kick off the next round while we get these two schmucks to the infirmary." Kaiba said, as KaibaCorp. Guards dragged off the twitching Weevil and Rex.

"Wait, so now we duel each other?" Yami asked.

"Sure, go ahead."

In unison, Yami and Evil Bakura pointed at each other and screamed "**I'M GONNA #$&$&$# KILL YOU!"**


	23. Chapter Twentyone

Author's Note: I realize that I took two months without posting a new chapter. I realize this, and accept it. In accepting it, I am able to admit to myself that I really don't care too much. This is because I am lazy and overworked at school. But I know you guys like reading new chapters, so I pushed myself to my psychological limits and produced one. You may thank me in any way you deem fit, although cash is always the best way.

Chapter 21: Nothing Brings People Together Like Searing Hate

"Oh, you've been asking for this," Evil Bakura said softly. "Always walking around, all 'pharaonic'. Always talking about how great you are, even though I'm clearly much, much cooler than you. Always acting as though your puzzle is better than my ring, even though at least we know what MY item DOES. My Ring finds other items, and it can trap souls in inanimate objects. Your puzzle… What the Hell does that puzzle do, anyway? Is its only power that it has some prissy ex-king inside it?"

"What my puzzle DOES is totally rock, in case you hadn't noticed. I'm the HERO, my power is all-purpose ass-kicking. I thought I'd demonstrated that to you effectively, given that I've killed you… oh, like three, four times? You know, when you shatter someone's soul, you start to lose track after the third time…"

"You totally got lucky those… um… three times."

"Once is lucky. Twice makes you wonder. Three times… well, I'm just plain better than you at this point."

"We'll see who's better than… wait, what was the third time?"

"Well it was… what are the two times you're thinking of?"

"Well, there was Duelist Kingdom, and then the first time we met when you killed me in that tabletop role-playing game. But the third one?"

"Well, you know, back in Ancient Egypt."

"OOOOOOOOOOH! I wasn't counting that one because it wasn't really YOU, y'know?"

"What do you mean by that?"

"Well, you've lost all your memories since then. So it could easily be argued that you are, in fact, a completely different person than the one you were back then."

"Oh, come now. My personality may be different, possibly, but you can hardly claim that I'm not the same physical being."

"That's only one perspective, though. In a sense, isn't the physical form simply a wrapper for the true 'self' which is composed of our mind and soul, what makes us real individuals."

"A valid point, but can't it also be argued that our body is an essential piece of that individuality as well? Every body is unique to the person, just as every mind is unique."

"True, true… but WE, ourselves, are a point of proof AGAINST your argument! After all, we don't have our own bodies. Yet we still possess fully functioning consciousnesses… aren't we 'people'? Don't we prove that a physical body isn't an essential aspect of the person you are simply by the fact we HAVE no physical bodies, yet we're certainly intelligent, reasoning people,"

"You… I… well, I admit it. I can't think of a single counterargument. Although I daresay you couldn't have closed the deal without our… unique situation?" Yami said.

"That's a possibility. You, sir, are a formidable opponent." Evil Bakura said. The two spirits shook hands and climbed off the dueling platform.

"**GET BACK UP THERE AND KILL EACH OTHER, YOU MORONS!" **Kaiba screamed.

"Oh, that's right! Violence." Yami said agreeably.

"We were going to kill each other! Well, we'd better get on with that." Evil Bakura agreed.

Silence.

A cricket chirped.

"… well?" Kaiba said.

"I… I don't know what's wrong," Evil Bakura said, "But I can't move."

"Me neither! It's like my whole body has just frozen from the neck down! I don't understand what's… oh. OH. Oh, I get it." Yami said, smiling wickedly. "You don't know what to do, do you?"

"Who are you talking to?" Tea asked.

"You know who I'm talking to. That lazy slacker that took two months away from the story! THE AUTHOR!"

Author: Way to go, moron. You broke the illusion of story!

"Big deal. We break the illusion all the time!"

Author: You've got a point, I suppose. So, why are we shattering every law of fiction today?

"You know why." Yami said, his wicked smile growing. "You don't know what to do, do you? We've finally hit a point in the story where you can't get around writing a REAL duel, and you have no idea how to go about it! You. Are. SCREWED."

Author: I… I have no idea what you're talking about.

"You know next to NOTHING about writing action! The closest you've got is that X-men story that nobody reads!"

Author: Hey, ten people have read that! And they all totally like it!

"Ten reviews does not equal ten readers. Most of them are from the same person."

Author: You… you shut up! I'm a well-rounded writer! I am!

"No, you're not. All you can write is humor. And humor where someone else made up the characters for you, no less!" Evil Bakura chimed in.

Author: Why are you guys picking on me all of a sudden? Haven't I been a good author? I've gotten you laughs, and reviews… why are you betraying me like this?

"… how can you seriously ask that, after all the pain you've inflicted on us?" Kaiba asked. "We hate you. We LOATHE you. You've caused us nothing but incredible anguish, sadness, and emotional turmoil since you sat down at your keyboard."

Author: Um… okay, you maybe have a point.

"Damn straight he has a point!" Yami interjected. "But here's where it all ends, sparky. You have to write a SERIOUS DUEL. You don't have a choice! And then… then it will all turn around," Yami said, his eyes tearing up and his voice filling with hope. "Finally, some sense will come to this madness. Some LIGHT will shine into the pit of darkness you've buried us in. And YOU… you will fade away, your powers of evil satire broken by the harsh light of serious literature. Action shall cleanse the stench of your Humor from this land, and all shall be as it was meant to be. You will disappear into the Hell you are destined for, and we shall be free at last!"

"Hooray!" Joey cheered.

"You mean I'll finally get my memory back? Yippee!" Tea cheered.

"I can sober :HIC: upsh? Hoorayippeekaydoo!" Mai slurred, and passed out.

Author: … Wow. You guys really all hate me that much?

"YES!" The cast shouted enthusiastically.

Author: Well… that's… that's a real shame. I guess there's only one thing to do…

"Make your two-month vacation permanent?" Malik… er, Namu… asked hopefully.

Author: Well, guys… it is with a heavy heart that I have to say this… and I'm sorry to all my reviewers and all of you, as well. Fare thee well! The story ends here. Adios.

Tears of joy filled Yami's eyes. "Oh… oh thank God. It's really, truly over."

"God Bless us, every one." Tea said cheerfully.

THE END

Author: HA! Like Hell, losers.

"WHAT? NO! YOU CAN'T DO THIS! You typed 'The End', the story is over!" Yami screamed in protest.

Author: Please. We already did that joke, remember? Typing 'The End' has never stopped me before.

"If you want us to stop hating you, this is a bad way to do it." Joey said.

Author: Oh, Joey, you simple, simple fool. You think I didn't already know that you all hate me? More to the point, you think I _care_ that you all hate me? That just gives me more incentive to BREAK you. If you think I've been bad up until now, baby you ain't seen NOTHING yet! You nitwits will be cursing the day you opened your big, stupid anime mouths!

"I knew it. I KNEW we shouldn't have said anything." Odion grumbled.

Author: Damn straight you shouldn't have said anything, O-man. You, personally, didn't say anything… but nobody will be spared my implacable wrath. I will reduce each and every one of you to shuddering mockeries of the human condition. Hell, most of you are already half-way there.

"Ah, but you've forgotten something!" Yami said, grabbing the last fibers of hope. "The duel! You still have to write a serious duel, and you CAN'T!"

Author: Oh reeeeeeeeeeeeeeeally?

And then, after a series of dramatic and increasingly complicated moves that pushed both duelists to their limits, it came down to a single draw of the card. Would Yami draw his Egyptian God, or would Bakura's Ouija Board claim victory for the dark spirit?

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Yami screamed as the field changed to reflect this new condition. "YOU BASTARD! YOU CHEATED! IT'S NOT FAIR, IT'S NOT FAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAIR!"

Author: That's the way the world works, sparky. Time to get back to the grind!

"Well, Pharaoh, you've fought a good duel, but this time victory shall be mine! In just one more turn, my Ouija Board gains its last letter and spells out 'death', ending the duel… and your soul! And better yet, if any of your three monsters attacks, my Dark Sanctuary magic card will turn the attack back against you, and you have so few life points that I'll win THAT way! BWAHAHAHAHA!" Evil Bakura proclaimed triumphantly.

"Aw, come on! Did you not notice the mutiny?" Yami complained.

"Oh, I may hate the author, but I can live with his eccentricity when it puts me in a good position." Evil Bakura smirked.

_So, Yami. I realize you're a little torn up, but now would be just a great time to draw our God card and not get killed, y'know? _Yugi suggested.

((_Yugi, I am more than a little 'torn up'! That JERK has ruined my life a dozen times, and now he's going to do it again! Can't you feel him out there, plotting? He hates me now, Yugi, I can feel it. I'm the one who led the revolt. The nail that sticks up is the one that gets pounded down! I drew attention to myself, and now I'm going to pay for it!))_

_Yami, be realistic. You're the main character, there's only so much he can do to you. _

_((YOU DON'T KNOW HIM LIKE I DO! We're talking about the man who once put me in traction for a month because he wanted to make a funny skateboarding scene!))_

_-Sorry to interrupt, Yugi-boy, but the rest of us are waiting on the end of the 'duel'.- _Pegasus thought.

_((Oh, right, sor…ry… DAMMIT, STOP DOING THAT!))_

_-Make me.-_

"All right, since SOME people don't have any PRIORITIES…" Yami began, staring at Pegasus scathingly. "… I'll take my turn! Please… Heart of the Cards… only Slifer the Sky Dragon can save me now! I draw!" Yami said. He drew his card, and it gave off a spark of red lightning as it left the deck. He looked at it, and gave a fierce smile of competitive joy.

A fake, fake smile.

"Sooooooooooo… Bakura… buddy… out of respect to the friendship I have with half of your mind, I am willing to let you surrender BEFORE I play my totally kick-ass God and totally… um… kick your ass." Yami said, with a tone suggesting he was trying to sell a car that had no engine.

"Didn't draw Slifer, did you?" Evil Bakura asked.

"… you can't prove that."

"Drew Kuribo, didn't you?" Evil Bakura asked.

"… maybe…"

Author: He totally did. Believe me.

"The nail that sticks up gets pounded down," Evil Bakura said gleefully. "GO, OUIJA BOARD! DEATH MESSAGE!" The board spelled out the last letter in Death, and horrifying spirits of pain and destruction emerged, wailing with the moans of a thousand tortured souls, and prepared to take a horrible toll on their enemies, dragging him kicking and screaming into an abyss of terror.

"Well, that's not good." Yami said. The puzzle glowed, and Yugi appeared.

"HEY! What the… how did I…" Yugi sputtered. Then he saw the ghosts preparing to eat him. He glared at his puzzle, eyes narrowed. "You are SUCH a jerk." Then he got the crap kicked out of him.

Misty winced. "That is a VIOLENT card game. And I thought it was all holograms? How do they get those little discs to beat people up like they keep doing?"

"Oh, we've got some magic goin'. That, and all KaibaCorp. Technology is programmed to severely wound the owners." Kaiba said cheerfully.

"… how…" Brock began.

Kaiba drew his gun. "We claim the pain is 'added realism' in order to sell our products, in answer to your unspoken question. That said, if you finish speaking that unspoken question, I will add a LOT of realism to your life."

Brock stopped talking.

"Aw… man… y'know, dueling is a lot less pleasant from the 'losing' angle…" Yugi groaned.

"FINALLY! Thanks to the caprices of a very, very odd author, victory is finally mine! I get your puzzle, I get your SOUL, I get ALL YOUR STUFF! Because, finally, I. HAVE. CLAIMED. VICTO-" Evil Bakura began.

"The winner of this duel: Yugi Motoh!"

"… … … huh?" Yugi asked.

"WHAT?" Evil Bakura shrieked.

"Clearly, you didn't read the rules." Kaiba said chidingly.

"YOUR RULEBOOK WAS 780 PAGES LONG, AND WORKED OUT SO THAT EVERY SINGLE CONTESTANT BUT YOU WOULD BE KILLED BEFORE THE END OF THE TOURNAMENT!" Evil Bakura roared. "**NOBODY **READ IT!"

"I read it!" Joey offered.

"NOBODY WITH A BRAIN READ IT!"

"Well, if you had, you might have noticed Rule 334a, subsection 12, paragraph 9: 'Yugi Motoh is not allowed to lose until he loses to me. Therefore, he will be declared victor in any duel he is a member of, regardless of the actual outcome of this match, until he duels and is defeated by me.'."

"So… I don't win anything?" Evil Bakura asked in disbelief.

"Actually, you owe Yugi your best card. And I'm pretty sure I can have you killed now, although we may have dropped that rule when my little sister Mokubina decided to WUSS OUT and water down the rules."

"Seto, for the last freakin' time, WE'RE NOT ALLOWED TO KILL PEOPLE!" Mokuba screamed.

"AHEM!"

"… … … General Seto."

"Can… can I at least have his ancient puzzle?" Evil Bakura asked hopefully.

"Sure. It's just tacky jewelry anyhow."  
"But… you… sorceress…" Yugi sputtered.

"My belief in magic is VERY selective." Kaiba said sharply.

Odion turned to Malik, who was sweating profusely and clenching his fists so tight he drew blood. "Something wrong, sir?"

"I kinda wanted that puzzle for ME, but if I SAY anything, Isis might see through my brilliant disguise…"

"What brilliant disguise would that be, Namu?" Isis asked kindly.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!" Malik screamed, and jumped off the blimp.

"What an odd young man." Isis commented.

"Shouldn't you have saved him or something?" Ash asked Odion. Odion, displaying the depth he cared for his little brother… kind of shrugged a little.

Back on the duel platform, dark deeds were occurring. "You heard the man, kiddo. Fork over the goods." Evil Bakura said, smirking wickedly (Can he smirk any other way?).

"Y'know what? The thing has been nothing but trouble lately, right up until it got me beaten up by ghosts of death. Take it," Yugi said, tossing it to Evil Bakura, who caught it handily.

"Ah… finally, it's mine… another piece in my dark master plan that I shan't reveal this season, nor shall I even slightly allude to until a few seasons from now, when I shall explain it all quite suddenly…" Evil Bakura sighed, putting the puzzle around his neck. Black light burned in his eyes, and flame curled around his body as awe-inspiring power rushed into him. "Finally, the world is MINE!" he crowed.

-_Yours and whose army, skippy?- _Yami asked.

Inside Bakura's head.

_((… … … … …That wasn't real. I couldn't have heard what I think I just heard…))_

_Oh, what was that? Are we having friends over for tea and cookies? _Bakura asked hopefully.

-_Not friends, exactly, but I wouldn't say 'no' to tea…- _Yami thought smugly.

((_NOOOOOO! NO NO NO NO NO! This was NOT part of the deal!)) _Evil Bakura psychically roared.

-_Where was I gonna go, Cleveland? I live in this little puzzle, chief. Which means,- _The Pharaoh thought, kicking up his spiritual feet on Bakura's spiritual couch (And getting spiritual mud all OVER the cushions), -_That I live here, now. Anything good on T.V.?-_

_Oh, goody! Guests! We can watch the special showing of 'The Pirates of Penzance' that they're having on the Spiritual Learning Channel. My yami is a great friend, but he never watches musicals with me. _Bakura thought cheerfully.

_((I am NOT your friend! I am EVIL! And there will be NO musicals! I am still in charge here!))_

_-Sorry, pal, but you've been outvoted. I LOVE 'The Pirates of Penzance'!- _Yami thought enthusiastically.

_Really? You're a Gilbert and Sullivan fan?_

_-Of course! Not many people know that Gilbert and Sullivan are ancient immortal liches who re-release the same plays every few thousand years, when people have forgotten about them. They were a smash hit in Ancient Egypt!-_

_((GOD DAMMIT, STOP IT! THERE WILL BE NO MUSICALS, ESPECIALLY NOT **THEIR **MUSICALS!)) _Bakura shrieked desperately.

_-Oh, come on, grumpy. Everybody likes Gilbert and Sullivan!-_

_((No, they don't! If EVERYONE loved them, I would love them, and you'd better believe I hate their immortal undead guts!))_

_-Why?-_

_Hey, want to hear my favorite Gilbert and Sullivan song? 'Oh, I am the very model of a modern major general…'_

_-'I've information vegetable animal and mineral!'- _Yami sang along, his baritone nicely contrasting Bakura's soprano as they cheerfully began to sing the entire song.

Evil Bakura gnashed his spiritual teeth. _((THAT is why I hate them…)) _he growled.

"Are you okay?" Yugi asked. "You look a little ill."

"Hmmmmm? Oh, yes! Fine! Totally evil, totally have ultimate power, I'm cool. Couldn't be better!" Bakura said, giving a very fake laugh of triumph. "Ha. Ha. Ha."

-_Second verse!- _Yami cheered. –_I'm also well acquainted with the matters mathematical…-_

Evil Bakura began to cry.

* * *

"Leave ME behind, will they… I don't get a blimp ride, had to steal a helicopter… even that lame sorceress got to go on the blimp, but do they wait for me? Nooooo! Well, I'll show THEM. I'll come swooping in at the last second, I'll TOTALLY kick ass, I'll assemble all five sarcophaguses… sarcophagi?... and claim utter evil victory… aw, man, I hope they all BROUGHT their sarcophaguses… i… coffins. I mean, I couldn't fit mine onto the helicopter, they aren't exactly convenient…" The Queen muttered to herself. "Now, where IS that blimp?"

Then, something dark and heavy impacted the helicopter's windshield. "HOLY CRAP!" She shrieked, the helicopter flying out of control as she jumped in her seat and bumped the control stick.

"EEEEEEEEEEK!" Malik, the dark, heavy object in question, shrieked as his free-fall was suddenly interrupted by the wildly moving helicopter.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!" The two sad, sad little villains screamed as they went into a death spiral.

* * *

Somewhere between the island of Japan and another, smaller island, a sinister intellect laid in wait.

"EEEEEEEEEEK!" Noah shrieked, as the laser grid continued to open fire on him, tracking his infra-red signature.

"I warned you what would happen if you kept shrieking that godawful 'Seto is coming song'! I WARNED YOU WHAT WOULD HAPPEN, DIDN'T I? **EVEN A COMPUTER HAS A BREAKING POINT!**" The computer screamed, redirecting yet another defensive laser to target the fleeing virtual child. "BURN! BURN! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

If I were allowed to write review responses anymore, they would be written right here.


	24. Chapter Twentytwo

Author's Note: Oh, I'm so, so sorry. I actually had most of the new chapter written, and then my computer looked me right in the eyes, smiled at me with its horrible electronic grin, and said 'Y'know what would be really cool? If I was DEAD!'. Then, displaying the degree to which it loathed me, it melted its own goddamn hardrive and ruined all my files. I hate that computer, and I'm glad it's dead. My new computer is sleek, black, and polite. It has a fine new monitor which was expensive, but more than makes up for it with a wonderful flat screen that takes up very little desk-space. I'm considering showing pictures of it to my old computer's corpse in the junkyard, just to show it how quickly and efficiently it has been replaced.

Author's Note 2: In earlier chapters, I mentioned that I'd fallen in love with the anime _Crono Crusade_, a series about an exorcist nun named Rosette and her demonic sidekick Crono who go around fighting evil. Well, recently that show lost some of the love as it began to wind down. They faced the final villain of the series, the upper-level demon lord Aion the Sinner. Aion is a serious bad-ass, who has stomped Crono like a bug every time they've fought, defeated giant monsters made of diamond just by lookin' at them, and survived being shot through the head with a magical bullet without even flinching.

In his last duel with Crono, the final battle of the series, Aion got killed in thirty freakin' seconds.

I'm sorry, but the ultimate battle with the greatest evil in the series should NOT be less than a minute in length! It should be at LEAST a full episode if not two! Hell, Zorc in YGO lasted like five! Dante from _Full-Metal Alchemist _made it around four, Zechs Merquise from _Gundam Wing _dueled Heero for a full episode that I can remember off the top of my head. And don't even get me started on Majin Buu from DBZ. Can a final battle last for an entire season?

Crono Crusade has now joined Kill Bill: Volume 2 in the 'most anticlimactic final battle EVER' club. For shame, Sister Rosette. For SHAME.

Chapter 22: We seriously need some new villains

"This is so unfair." Evil Bakura sighed sadly. "Although frankly, I don't know exactly why this didn't occur to me earlier…"

-_Oh, I can't fight this feeeeeeling, deep inside of meeeeee…- _Yami crooned, continuing the sing-along with a rousing, horrendously off-key rendition of 'Hooked on a Feeling'. To Evil Bakura's relief, Yami and Bakura had not stuck to Gilbert and Sullivan, and were now singing songs that were pretty much chosen at random. Unfortunately, they still weren't very good at singing.

Evil Bakura winced. "Oh, Gods, what if the other ones all have a worthless vagrant ex-king living in them? I never actually got the eye to work, I don't know for sure it doesn't. Pegasus is certainly… unusual enough to have magical voices in his brain…"

"Hmmm? What was that, Bakura-girl? I was too busy reading this comic book about a horrifying pink version of Bugs Bunny that I'm totally obsessed with." Pegasus said.

"… Case in point. This raises the disturbing question of whether or not I even really want the other five items…"

"Along with the disturbing question of whether or not that guy in the eyepatch is, y'know, dead?" Misty asked. "Why do none of you seem to care that another human being just jumped off this blimp?"

"… … … HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" The entire Yu-Gi-Oh! cast began to laugh uproariously.

"Oh, that is so adorable," Kaiba said, wiping a tear of mirth from his eye. "S-she actually thinks we care about each other!"

"Kid, it goes like this," Joey said sagely. "Our lives suck. Therefore, when other people have WORSE lives, it makes us feel better about our own sad, sad existence."

"Are… are you people always so evil?"

"If you knew what we do with our spare time, you wouldn't ask that," Pegasus said.

"What do you do?" Ash asked cheerfully.

"Steal souls."

"… eek."

"Ah, the good old days," Evil Bakura said wistfully. "I haven't stolen a soul in a long time… I really miss it." Then he slapped himself in the face. "OW! WHAT THE HELL?"

-_Wow, cool, I figured out how to control the motor functions!-_ Yami thought cheerfully, making Evil Bakura hit himself in the face again. ­–_This is better than videogames! Maybe I should start a scoring system… twenty points a slap?-_

"Oh, is that how we're gonna play it? Well, two can play at that game! Don't forget, I know where you live!" Evil Bakura said cruelly, and punched the Millennium Puzzle as hard as he could.

Silence.

((_Looking back, punching a pointy metal thing may not have been the most intelligent way to strike back at you.)) _Evil Bakura thought.

-_Yeah especially since I didn't even feel it at all.- _Yami agreed.

_((The thought had occurred to me, although not until after I punched the thing, unfortunately.))_

_And the puzzle is magic, too, so it must be really, really hard, right? _Bakura asked his other half.

_((Oh, it is.))_

_-You broke your hand, huh?- _Yami asked.

_((Yeah, it seems to be pretty well broken. I'm… uh… I'm just going to collapse in pain and start screaming now.)) _The spirit of the ring thought. "OH, SWEET RA, I BROKE MY #(#&( HAND!" he screamed out loud, collapsing to the floor.

"… Okay, soul removal notwithstanding, the villains DO seem more familiar the longer I stay here." Misty admitted.

"Well, while Bakura joins our rapidly overcrowding medical wing, we should move on in the tournament before we all die of old age," Kaiba interjected. "Now, let's see, the next tournament match-up will be Mai Valentine vs. Mal… um, Namu,"

"Um… well, Seto, we can't exactly run that match right at the moment…" Mokuba said.

"Hmmm? Why not?"

"… Seto, we were just talking about it. Please, please tell me that there's enough Humanity left in you that you haven't already completely forgotten the suicide that occurred on this very blimp not so very long ago."

"Sui-what now?"

"… Seto, you are so, so evil," Mokuba said sadly. Then, seeing the delighted smile on his brother's face, he added "THAT WAS NOT A COMPLIMENT! A human being did just die here, and even if you didn't like or care about him, you could at least REMEMBER it!"

"Oh, wait! Egyptian guy, blondeish hair, eyepatch?" Kaiba asked. "So he jumped off the blimp? Well, I guess we can delay his match until he gets back."

Joey raised his hand. "Um… people generally don't come back from that."

"Oh, silly, stupid Wheeler. Clearly, you don't understand how this tournament is going to work. Allow me to show you what is truly occurring here at this path to my ultimate destiny!" Kaiba then reached into his trenchcoat.

Instinctively, everyone ducked. But rather than his usual gun, Kaiba produced a piece of paper which he then unfolded and put on display for the crowd to see. It was a crude chart of some sort, apparently drawn in crayon with stick-figure illustrations. "Gaze ye, upon my blueprint of my future!"

Step 1: Hold tournament! (Illustration: stick-figure Kaiba, identified by his trenchcoat, holding a card and laughing at stick-figure Yugi, identified by spiky purple hair).

Extra-special step 2 (Hastily scribbled in between step 1 and the former step 2. Former Step 2 and all steps afterward have been re-numbered appropriately): Get second mind! (Illustration: Stick-figure Kaiba shaking hands with another stick-figure Kaiba and smiling)

Step 3: Beat Isis, but not too hard because she is very scary. (Illustration: Stick-figure Kaiba bowing down to stick-figure Isis, identified by long feminine hair, and giving her money after chivalrously defeating her.)

Step 4: CRUSH YUGI! KILL HIM AND CRUSH HIM AND TAKE HIS GOD FOR MEEEEEEEEEEE! (Illustration: stick-Kaiba holding stick-Yugi's severed head and laughing uproariously)

Step 5: Beat Malik, get all god cards, be cool. (Illustration: Stick-Kaiba smiling at a crying Stick-Malik, who is indistinguishable from stick-Isis because both are identified by long feminine hair).

The crowd read this chart. And then they contemplated it. "Is that written in crayon?" Joey asked slowly.

"It's so beautiful!" Tea said cheerfully.

"To be fair, it's still better than Malik's blueprint of his evil plans," Odion said sadly.

"… why, exactly, do I look exactly like my brother on this… thing?" Isis asked coldly.

Kaiba, eyes wide, made a move to jump off the blimp, before Mokuba tackled him around the knees. "NO! We will have no more of that!"

"Mokuba, she's gonna kill me! The only way to stop her is to beat her to the punch! If my life ends, it will be on my own terms!" Kaiba protested, struggling towards the edge of the blimp.

"Seto, stop it! As pointless as this tournament may be, you still have to run it!" Mokuba said, still dragging Seto away from the edge of the blimp.

"Oh, you don't have to worry, I'm not angry," Isis said cheerfully.

"… … … you're not? OH GOD I'M SORRY I QUESTIONED YOU!" Kaiba said.

"Such a silly boy," Isis said, smiling indulgently.

"Well… um… if I'm still alive… then I guess we go on?" Kaiba said, as though he seemed confused by his own life. "The next match is… Joey vs. Odio… Malik."

"Nah." Odion said.

"… what?"

"Nah. I don't feel like doing this. I don't even like this card game. The only reason I'm here is that I promised mother, on her deathbed, that I would look after Malik. Well, it's hard to look after a corpse that's buried ten feet in the ground from jumping off an airborne blimp. So no, I won't be playing,"

The silence was deep and terrible.

"You… you don't…. LIKE duel monsters?" Yugi asked, as though the very concept was beyond his comprehension.

"Nope." Odion said.

"But… everyone likes Duel Monsters. It's the meaning of life wrapped up in card game form!" Kaiba protested.

"Well, if everyone liked it, I would like it. And I don't. So not everyone does."

"I like pancakes!" Tea claimed.

"Yay, pancakes!" Tristan and Ash agreed.

"I… I… I… I don't know how to handle this, really." Kaiba said, seemingly at a loss for words.

"Disqualify me? Consider it a forfeit? I don't really care, but… whatever." Odion said dismissively.

"This… I… the whole world is falling apart! Oh, second evil mind, I need your help here!" Kaiba said. "Well? Come on! Oh, so what, now you're too GOOD to help out your own self? Well screw you!"

"Um… does Kaiba have another mind bound to him?" Yugi asked Isis.

"Possibly, but this particular one most likely has more to do with a chemical imbalance than a magical force…" Isis replied. "I really should have seen this coming when he was willing to crush himself to death under a stone tablet to get a playing card. I mean, there's geekdom, but this was going right past geekdom and firmly into the realm of psychosis."

"Oh, god, what if my evil mind is SO evil that it's even betraying ME? Maybe it won't talk to me because it wants me to die, because its intense hatred of all life is SO intense that it doesn't even care if it lives itself? Or… oh, no… what if I AM the evil mind? It was supposed to be just like me, how do I know which me is me anymore? I could be asking myself for guidance! HELP, LIEUTENANT MOKUBA, I DON'T KNOW WHO I AM ANYMORE!" Kaiba shrieked, curling up in a fetal position.

_((Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand we're back!)) _Inner Yugi crowed triumphantly. ((_I gotta say, you were disturbingly self-confident there for a while, but I think we've gotten this crazy train back on track! Have I mentioned that the only reason anyone even pretends to like you is for your money?))_

"ALL IS DESPAIR!" Kaiba wailed, sobbing.

"… this is starting to become a running gag." Mokuba grumbled.

* * *

"This is all your fault!" The Queen said, panting heavily.

"MY fault? You're the one who couldn't even pilot a helicopter!" Malik said, panting heavily.

"Like anyone could pilot properly when a person just falls out of the sky onto your helicopter! I'm just lucky I got us to the ground alive!" The Queen retorted, panting heavily.

The reason for all the heavy panting was that both villains really wanted to catch back up to the blimp. Unfortunately, after the crash landing, the helicopter engine was shot. However, with a few last-minute modifications and a lot of duct tape stolen from a hardware store near the crash site, they had managed to take the wreckage of the helicopter and construct a sort of makeshift flying machine. Again unfortunately, this contraption was, in addition to being slow, powered entirely by pedals (Again stolen, this time from some bicycles that some child had been silly enough to leave in their unlocked garage). And yet again unfortunately, they were both currently out of flunkies to pedal for them.

Consequently, both of them were getting rather more of a workout than they'd gotten… well, ever.

"Pedal faster, twerpo! I think I can kinda see a dot in the distance that may or may not be the blimp!" The Queen gasped.

"When I get the Egyptian God Cards, I am TOTALLY going to take all your favorite TV shows off the air for this!" Malik gasped in return.

"If you lay one FINGER on Care Bears, I swear I will rip out your freakin' liver."

* * *

"So, what do we do now? We're running low on people to do this thing." Mokuba said.

"I could go again, I guess. I mean, I did get a little gipped out of my game," Yugi offered.

"That's true, but generally speaking you need more than one person for a tournament. Maybe… if we count Odion as a forfeit, and disqualify Mai for public drunkenness and Malik for dying, that means Joey goes on to the next round too. And we're going to assume that some obscure rule makes Seto automatically the winner of the first round, so that really leaves us with just Miss Isis and Jerkass."  
"Who's Jerk… oh, that's right. Me." Pegasus said.

"Damn straight, Jerkass. So, the next duel will be those two, if nobody has a problem?"

"Not at all," Isis said cheerfully.

"No problems here!" Pegasus said.

"I forfeit!" They said in unison.

"… … … huh?" Mokuba said.

"I saw the future that he would counter all my moves by reading my mind and it would be a draw." Isis said.

"I read her mind and saw that she would counter all my moves by seeing the future and it would be a draw." Pegasus said.

"So we forfeit because there's no point in really doing it, y'know?" They said in unison.

Mokuba rubbed his temples to fight off the approaching migraine. "I hate those freakin' Millennium Items so goddamn much…"

"So, what do we do now? We don't have any Malik, Bakura's out, Kaiba's nuts, and these two have managed to disqualify themselves through inaction. The only one really left to duel is Joey, and he has nobody to compete with! What exactly are we going to do?" Yugi inquired.

Joey looked at Odion. "Are ya SURE ya can't just do this ONE match? I'll beat ya really quick!"

Odion nodded gravely. "NO. The only reason I even joined this stupid tournament is because of my oath to Malik, and now that he's gone, so am I! Malik is dead, and I didn't kill him myself. Therefore, my oath is completely fulfilled and I can move on with my new, free life completely guilt-free. And that little idiot is NEVER going to ruin my life again!"

It was not immediately obvious what had happened, exactly. All that anyone knew for sure, right at the beginning, was that there was a horrible shrieking noise, followed by a massive explosion, followed by a sickening crunch.

The shrieking noise was the sound of a vaguely helicopter-ish metal and plastic thing being sucked into the jet intake on the blimp. The explosion was the sound of said jet intake exploding violently. And the crunch was… well, you can probably figure it out.

"Thank Ra we landed on Odion! Otherwise, that might have really hurt!" Malik said thankfully.

"How… how did we survive being sucked into that jet intake? And how did we get INTO it? To be sucked in a jet **in**take we'd have to have been in FRONT of the blimp, and we were clearly behind! And why does a BLIMP even have JET ENGINES?" The Queen asked.

"If I had to guess, I'd say somebody, most likely Odion here…" Malik began, poking his limp brother/henchman, "Said something that made our showing up right at that second really ironic."

"Oh. Well, I guess we owe him one, then."

_((Oh, we owe him more than one.)) _Yami Malik said.

_And what might you mean by that?_

_((Well, it's just that, as I recall the rules, ODION is the primary factor sealing me in the Millennium Rod. And when he is rendered… spiritually unavailable… that means I get to leave it. And do things like… oh… THIS!)) _Yami Malik said triumphantly, spiritually picking up his nicer counterpart by the pants and spiritually chucking him into the spiritual abyss like a bouncer tossing someone out of a bar.

"Um… Malik? You feelin' okay?" Yugi asked.

Looking up from his spiritual conversation, Yami Malik smirked. "Never better."

* * *

In Kaiba's private blimp movie theatre, The Dark, Foul, Evil, Sorceress of Chaos and Destruction™ sat watching _Lady in the Water _and eating popcorn. She took a sip from her Pepsi and tilted her head. "Ohhhhhhhhh! I get it now! The secret twist ending is that the movie isn't any good! That M. Night Shymalan is a GENIUS!" she said, smiling happily at her cleverness in discerning the twist.

Then she scratched her chin thoughtfully. "I wonder when all those people are going to remember that I'm down here?" then she shrugged. "Ah, who cares. Saaaay, I wonder if this theatre has that new Pirates movie? I just loved the first one."

* * *

_((How exactly did it come to this?)) _Evil Bakura mentally inquired. _((This puzzle was supposed to solve all my problems. Instead… my problems have gotten infinitely more obnoxious. And damn, my hand is in quite a lot of pain.))_

_MY hand. _Bakura reminded him. _All evidence to the contrary aside, this is still my body._

_((Ah, that's right. Anything bad that happens to me also harms you by necessity,)) _Evil Bakura thought, smiling. _((Thanks, Bakura, you always know just what to say to cheer me up.))_

_No problem. _

_((And in reality, I'm still mostly in control of this body, right? It's not like the Pharaoh has any REAL power. Yes, he's nothing more than a temporary annoyance that shall be swept aside in due time.)) _Evil Bakura thought. Then his unbroken left hand swung across his body to punch his broken right hand.

"GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!" Evil Bakura roared in agony.

-_I am getting better at controlling those motor functions all the time!- _Yami marveled. _–I think it even gets easier as I do it, too! Maybe I'm becoming more adapted to this body.-_

_((I swear to every dark, sinister god that ever befouled the heavens, I will FIND A WAY TO RE-KILL YOU!)) _Evil Bakura psychically shrieked.

_You most definitely shall not! We must be kind to our guests. _Bakura sniffed.

_((HE IS NOT A GUEST!)) _

_But you invited him over! He wouldn't be here if you hadn't brought him here!_

_((I… I… I… I hate you both so much…)) _Evil Bakura sighed.

_-Oh, look on the bright side, skippy.- _Yami said. _–At least your life can't…-_

_((NO! DON'T SAY IT!))_

_-Don't say what?-_

_((What you were about to say! You know that when you say… THAT… it invariably happens!))_

_-**What** invariably happens?- _Yami asked, smirking wickedly.

_((IT GETS WORSE!))_

_-Now, what would make that occur?-_

_((Saying 'it can't possibly get worse!'))_

_/AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH/ _Malik shrieked as he crash-landed in Bakura's psyche, landing on top of Evil Bakura's spiritual image. /_Wow, how'd I get here/ _he asked, looking around.

Crushed under the fallen Egyptian lad, Evil Bakura glowered at Yami, who was smirking more triumphantly than ever. ((_God dammit, I hate you.)) _he said.


	25. Chapter Twentythree

Note: Sorry this is a little shorter than usual, but at least I finally posted it!

Chapter 23: The Nature of Ancient Artifacts

"Okay, this is actually pretty good timing." Mokuba said. "Now that we have Malik back­–"

"We do?" Isis asked.

"–NOW THAT WE HAVE MALIK BACK," Mokuba continued, pointedly ignoring her, "We can continue our tournament… such as it was."

"Oh, that sounds like fun. Yes, tournaments are fun. Is killing allowed?" Yami Malik asked.

"… Actually, it probably is." Mokuba said sadly.

"Yes, tournaments are fun," he said again, smiling at Joey (The only available opponent) in a very discomforting way.

"Um… is it too late to forfeit? I've always had this minor problem with bein' killed…"

"Aw, you can take him!" Mokuba said cheerfully.

"You really think so?" Joey asked hopefully.

Yami Malik smiled, then unhooked his rod-knife and made a motion indicating he planned to use it to slit Joey's throat.

"… no." Mokuba admitted.

"I don't see what the problem is," Isis said. "I'm sure Namu would never hurt anybody."

"… … oh, come ON." Yugi said. "Surely you must have realized what's going on by NOW!"

"Yugi, I'm sure I don't know what you're talking about," Isis said serenely. Then she leaned forward and whispered into his ear "Of course I've realized. I'm not an idiot, I know what my brother looks like. I'm tormenting him psychologically. You saw how he jumped off the blimp when I talked to him? Well, watch this." Then, speaking in a normal voice again, she said "After all, it's not as though kind, harmless Namu were anything like Malik. Now, if MALIK were here, I would turn him inside out! Luckily, he's not here. Only my good, harmless friend Namu. Yes, Namu, who I will not murder. Not like I would to Malik."

Yami Malik's smile faded, and he started to sweat profusely and made an effort to hide his knife behind his back. "Yes… good thing I… he… isn't here. Just harmless ol' Namu!"

Yugi looked at Isis with a new-found respect. "Um… do you have a boyfriend?"

"Sorry, you're a little young for me," She said cheerfully, ruffling his hair affectionately.

_

* * *

__My baby takes the morning train! _Bakura sang. 

_-He works from nine to five and then!- _Yami sang.

_+He takes another home again!- _Malik sang.

**_TO FIND ME WAITING FOR HIM! _**The three sang in unison.

_-More spiritual pudding!- _Yami cheered.

_+Hey, guys! We should totally have a toga party!- _Malik said.

_Totally! But where will we get togas? _Bakura asked.

_-Oh, let's just tear up your evil side's spiritual curtains. Nobody cares what he thinks anyway!-_

_**YAY! **_Malik and Bakura thought in unison. The three spirits began to tear up spiritual curtains to make togas.

_((I wish I were dead.)) _Evil Bakura thought dully.

* * *

"Wait! What about me?" the Queen asked as Joey and Yami Malik began to get ready to duel. 

"… what about you?" Mokuba asked.

"I'm the villain of this story!" She protested.

Mokuba looked at her, in her tattered, stained robes (Although somehow her cowl was still concealing her identity, not that it really mattered) and platform shoes. Then he looked at Yami Malik; tall, dark, with psychotic, bloodthirsty eyes and a bloody knife in his hands.

"No, you're not." He said.

"I'm not?"

"Nope."

"But… but I totally tried so hard! I did all kinds of evil!" She protested.

"Look, I'm sorry, but you're just not as evil as Yami Malik. It's a hard fact to accept, but he's the main villain here. That's how it works." Yugi said consolingly.

The Queen nodded sadly. "I guess he is a little more evil than me…"

"A little?" Yami Malik chuckled. "Dear, comparing you to me is like comparing a fluffy kitten to a Nazi. It's not even how evil I am, it's how evil you AREN'T. But don't worry, when I conquer the world, and consume all that lives, I'll be sure to show you what REAL evil looks like before I destroy your soul." Then he patted her condescendingly on the shoulder.

Moving with surprising speed, she whipped a gun out of her robes and shot him three times in the chest.

"HOLY CRAP!" Yugi screamed.

"Dude, what did I tell you last time we talked? I'm American. Screw with me, and I'll bust a cap in your ass!" The Queen told him… er, the corpse.

"Wait, the only person who told that to Malik in the last story was Rebecca! That means the Queen is…" Tristan began.

"That's right!" she said, pulling off her cowl. "It's me, Rebecca Hawkins!" She proclaimed grandiosely.

"Amazing! And I'm the one who figured it out first!" Tristan said proudly.

Silence.

"You just SHOT Yami Malik!" Yugi said, still a little dumbfounded.

"… that's what you're worried about? What about the dramatic reveal that just happened?"

"… Screw the dramatic reveal! You just SHOT MALIK!" Yugi said.

"But I figured out the dramatic reveal!" Tristan whined.

"It wasn't even a real dramatic reveal! We all knew it was her! Tristan, you were the only one who didn't know, and that's because you've got the same average brainpower as a cucumber!" Joey said.

"Hard to argue with that..." Serenity muttered.

"Really, we all did know it was you. I knew it was you, because I can read your mind!" Pegasus informed Rebecca.

"I knew it was you, and I CAN'T read your mind!" Yugi said.

"I knew it was you, and we've never met!" Duke confirmed.

"Even I knew it was you, and I'm not even from this dimension!" Misty confirmed.

"But… but I was all shadowy…" Rebecca said sadly.

"No, you weren't! We figured this all out a long time ago!" Serenity said.

"Well… at the very least, I can be the main villain now! I'm ready to play in Battle City and win all your sarcophagi!" Rebecca said, cheering up.

"Our what?" Yugi asked.

"… Oh, tell me none of you remembered the bring them!" Rebecca shrieked in exasperation.

"Bring what?" Joey asked.

"Big freakin' stone coffins! One each for Kaiba, Malik, Bakura, and Yugi! Come on, they were kinda hard to miss!" Rebecca said.

"I… I vaguely remember mailing those out." Isis said thoughtfully. "But they were very inconvenient. I don't think anyone brought theirs with them."

"But… but my evil plan!" Rebecca whined.

"Was poorly thought out. I mean, how could you have expected anyone to lug those heavy things around?" Yugi asked.

"Well, it was the totally cool thing inside that I was kinda hoping you'd all want…"

"Oh, it was probably just your teddy bear, wasn't it?" Joey said.

"Huh? Oh, no. I threw away teddy after Yugi became my boyfriend!" Rebecca said dismissively.

"Oh, okay, that makes sense I… wait, what?" Yugi asked.

"Yugi! She's only a child!" Isis said severely.

"But she's not my…"

"I don't care how beautiful she is, or how she makes your stomach flutter…"

"She doesn't…"

"Or how you think she's just so adorable in her new glasses…"

"I don't…"

"Or how cute a couple you two make, both being elite duelists! It is entirely inappropriate to date a girl so much younger than you!"

"We are NOT DATING!" Yugi said.

"See? That's exactly the kind of attitude that made me turn evil. He is COMPLETELY emotionally unavailable!" Rebecca said.

"But… but… but…"

"Oh, I know it's hard for him, being a celebrity and all, but he could at LEAST show up for a date once in awhile!"

"But… we've never SCHEDULED a date!"

"Of course we have. I scheduled us lots of dates."

"But you've never told me!"

"Duh! You're supposed to _know_," Rebecca said, like it was the most obvious thing in the world. She turned to Misty, "Because you see, when you're as in love as Yugi and I, you can almost read each other's thoughts!"

"But… I… you…" Yugi stuttered, when Joey slapped him in the head.

"YUG! How could you go around cheatin' on Tea?" he scolded. "I thought you had more class than that, man."

"Yeah, it's bad to cheat on Tea!" Tea said.

"… You're Tea." Duke reminded her.

"Oh? Oh, yeah! It's bad to cheat on me!" She said.

"But I'm not… aw, screw it. So, that's what all this is about? You were just trying to get my attention?" Yugi asked.

"Sort of. I was actually searching for the dark, hideous magic that is trapped in the five sarcophagi so I could FORCE you to pay more attention to me."

"… so what IS in the coffins?" Isis asked curiously.

"… … … … … a, um… a sword… that makes… earthquakes. An earthquake sword." Rebecca said.

"She has no idea." Pegasus said, his eye glittering. "Hasn't got a clue!"

"Yes, I do! It's… um… totally an artifact… that was… mine?" Rebecca said.

"Except you never figured out what it is, or how to use it. And then your own Rare Hunters smashed it and mailed away the pieces because you kept waking them up at four in the morning to brag about how cool it was, even though you didn't know what it was or what it did. The only way you even knew it was magical was because it glowed."

"… that mind reading thing is really annoying." Rebecca grumbled.

"So you're going to all this trouble for something you don't even know how to use?" Ash asked. "I would never do that. Then again, there's no problem that I can't solve with Pikachu!"

"((Except the problem of how to STOP TALKING))." Pikachu grumbled, taking a swig from a bottle of whiskey it slipped out of Mai's pocket.

"Okay, okay, so maybe I don't know how to use this particular item. But it's definitely magical! It glows!"

"So do light-bulbs." Misty said.

"… … … you're not helping."

"Maybe we can help find out what it is? We are a fairly magically-versed group of people." Isis said.

"Hey, that's not a bad idea! Yeah, maybe you can help me." Rebecca said.

"Alright, let's start off at the beginning. Where did you find it?" Pegasus asked.

"Mail-order catalogue." Rebecca said.

"… … … … … … … … you're joking."

"Nope."

"All right," Isis said, rubbing her head to fight off the migraine. "What does it look like?"

"Sort of a weird ovalish shape, with globs inside that move around weirdly. And it glows, of course. It's kind of hard to describe."

"… Rebecca."

"Hm?"

"Is it a lava lamp?"

"I wouldn't know. But I suppose it's entirely possible I've discovered the ancient Lamp of Lava."

"… it's not so much 'ancient' as 'American crap from the 1970's'."

"Wait, so her great artifact is a lava lamp?" Yugi asked in disbelief.

"Well, we can't be sure without seeing it, but it's starting to look that way." Isis admitted.

"… why, exactly, would you bother to disassemble and then divide the pieces of a lava lamp? There aren't that many pieces to begin with, and it's filled with liquid. I would think re-assembly would be impossible in any case. There was certainly no need to send the pieces out to be protected." Misty asked.

"Well, the Rare Hunters are the ones who did this, so we can safely assume that 'logic' and 'reason' had no place in the formation of this plan."

"Look, maybe it is a cheap piece of ugly decoration, or maybe it's an all-powerful artifact. The point is, I paid $16.50 for it, and I want it back. And besides, you need me to be your new villain anyway, so it's kind of pointless to debate all this." Rebecca said smugly.

"Well, she kind of has a point," Yugi admitted.

"I guess we do need someone to replace Malik here." Joey said, nudging Yami Malik's corpse with his toe. "I don't see why we can't use her as a fill-in until Evil Bakura or Kaiba gets back on their game."

"All the world is a lie!" Kaiba shrieked.

"… Until Evil Bakura gets back on his game."

Down in the Infirmary…

**_TO-GA! TO-GA! TO-GA! _**Malik, Yami, and Bakura chanted.

Evil Bakura, a toga draped over his head, sighed. _((If there were a merciful god in the heavens, he would have destroyed the ancients before the Toga was ever invented.))_

Back on Deck…

"… maybe she should just be the villain for the rest of the story."

"Well, I've already demonstrated how little I care what happens here," Mokuba said. "So sure, you're in. Hand over your six locator cards and we'll get going."

There was absolute silence for several seconds.

"… you don't have them, do you?"

"Son of a BITCH!" Rebecca shrieked.

* * *

"Owwwww…" Yami Malik said, opening his eyes. The last thing he remembered was a loud noise and a piercing pain in his chest. "Okay, that plan may not have gone exactly as I'd hoped, but… wait a minute, didn't I get shot? How am I still alive?" 

Then he looked around. Flame and lava were everywhere, and a sinister black haze hung in the air and blurred his vision, stinging his eyes and throat. People chained to rocks amid the flame screamed as they were tortured by monstrous hulking demons of horrible size and power.

"Um… where am I, exactly?"

"Oh, have a guess." One of the demons said dryly, turning away from its victim to greet the new arrival.

"Um… well, when I blacked out I was in Japan…"

"Worse. MUCH worse. The most horrible place you can ever imagine."

"… Alabama?"

"Close, but it's much hotter down here."

"Oh, crap. I'm in Hell, aren't I?"

"Well, I mean, look at yourself. Where were you gonna go, Cleveland?"

"This… this is really not how this whole thing was supposed to turn out," Yami Malik said.

"We get that a lot down here."


	26. Interlude 2: Dante has nothing on me

Interlude 2: Dante, eat your heart out.

"So, this is Hell, huh?" Malik asked.

"Oh, nothing gets past you. What was your first clue? The fire? The demons? That big sign that says, 'Welcome to Hell'?" The big red demon asked sarcastically.

"Well… um… are you the Devil?"

"Hm? Oh, no, I'm Roy. Chaunticleer isn't in right now."

"… the Devil's name is Chaunticleer?"

"Yeah. It's amazing how few people know that." Roy said. "Anyway, he's currently out at Chuck E. Cheese's with his son, so he won't be here for your tour."

"… His son? That creepy kid from _The Omen?_"

"HA! I wish."

Meanwhile, at Chuck E. Cheese's… of EVIL…

"DADDY, I WANT MORE TOKENS!" the little demon screeched.

"Now, Berthold, you know you only get 50 tokens to play the games when we come here. Now come on, our pizza is here…"

"I DON'T CARE! I WANT **MORE TOKENS! **GIVE ME MORE! WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!"

"… I knew I should've worn a condom when I slept with your skank mother." Chaunticleer the Devil muttered.

"Honey, I'm RIGHT HERE." Mrs. Devil growled.

"Why, yes you are! And yet for some reason you won't GIVE ME A HAND HERE!"

"WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH…"

"Oh, shut the Heaven up."

Back in Hell…

"So… not to sound ungrateful, but why didn't I go to Egyptian hell? I mean, I am Egyptian."

"Crap, you are? How'd you end up here?"

"I was wondering that myself. I mean, like I said, I am technically an Egyptian."

"Technically?"

"Well, I'm a disembodied spirit, born from the internal rage and darkness of a boy whose childhood was stolen from him by his heartless father, and who has lived in darkness for his entire life, forced to follow a ruler he doesn't believe in… HA! I'm sorry, it's just really hard to say all that with a straight face. I was quoting his description from one of the websites about the show; the real him is just a total little sissy-pansy with the willpower of an alcoholic ferret. But still, he IS Egyptian and since I use his body in my world-domination plots, I technically am too."

"Ah, man. You spend a lot of time in Japan, huh?"

"Well, yes…"

"Thought so. You're another anime character! Freakin' Japanese cartoons, with their noble demons, crazy disembodied spirits, people who used to be evil but now they're good because they've learned the true meaning of communicating through combat… They always screw everything up," Roy cursed. "Well, I suppose you are still evil, so you can stay here… or we could arrange for you to be shipped to Egyptian hell if you'd prefer."

"I don't know… what's it like?"

"You'll be eaten by a huge monster that's a cross between a hippo, crocodile, and lion. And… that's all, really."

"Here works."

"Thought so. Now, shall we start the tour?"

"I suppose so. There's like… fire, and such, right?"

"Oh, aren't we the clever one. Of COURSE there's fire, you jackass! It's Hell! But to be fair, you're not a complete idiot, we DO have things besides fire. We're trying to diversify our hellishness to stay up-to-date with the changing times, and as such, hell is now divided into various zones, each with a separate overriding theme. For instance, over there is 'ironic' hell."

"Oh, what's that like?"

"Exactly like Pittsburgh, except everyone is an accountant but you." Roy said. "Here, watch!"

Yami Malik watched as a soul looked around ironic hell, then said "Huh, this isn't so bad!"

Suddenly, two-dozen men in suits carrying briefcases all walked up to him and said, in unison, "Ah, Mr. Jacobs! Perfect! You're just in time for the 15-hour seminar on diversifying your bond portfolio! And afterwords, we're going to need you to fill out all these forms, in triplicate!" the demon accountants said, showering the man with millions of sheets of paper.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Mr. Jacobs screamed.

"Ooooooh, that's nasty!" Yami Malik said in admiration.

"Are… are you taking notes?" Roy asked.

"Well, I am evil. I'd really like to take some of this evil back with me when I get back to the land of the living."

"…You're dead. You don't get to come back."

"Well, what if one of my friends revives me?"

Silence.

"AHAHAHAHAHA!" the demon and the spirit burst out into laughter. "Yeah, I killed all my friends and ate their souls. Ya got me." Yami Malik said.

"Oh, you're gonna fit right in here, I think. Heck, in a few thousand years, you might even get a temp job as a demon!"

"Seriously? That is SO COOL! If I become a demon, can I like, possess people and spread evil and terror?"

"Yup!"

"SWEEEEEEEEET! So what happens in the thousands of years while I work my way up there?"

"We brutally torture you with agonies beyond the dreams of mortal men."

"… … let's continue the tour!" Yami Malik said, trying rather obviously to change the subject.

"Yes, let's." Roy said. "Over there used to be our 'Medieval Room'. It was where we tortured people using old school medieval tortures… y'know, the rack and such? But a few years ago we decided to remodel it using an innovative new tool of suffering we discovered, made all the more vicious to you mortals by the fact it was discovered by ONE OF YOUR OWN KIND!"

"Oooooooooh." Yami Malik said. "What is it?"

"A movie room!"

"… … … A movie room."

"A movie room!"

"… now, I'll admit it's been a while since I've gone and seen the latest summer blockbuster or whatever, but a movie room doesn't exactly strike me as divine punishment." Yami Malik said doubtfully. Just then, a woman ran screaming out of the theatre, shrieking, "MAKE IT STOP, MAKE IT STOP!" only to have the theatre sprout arms and drag her back in.

"Did I mention that all the movies are directed by Uwe Boll?" Roy said.

"… you are the most heartless monster that has ever been."

"Hey, it ain't called hell for nothing."

"So, what else do you have down here?"

"Oh, y'know. There's hot hell, cold hell, sharp hell, slimy hell, zombie hell, hell for Dungeons and Dragons players…"

"Dungeons and Dragons players go to hell?"

"No, not really, we just say they do to appease Jack Chick. That guy can find you ANYWHERE, and he has an unbelievably huge supply of those creepy little fundamentalist comics. They are VERY disconcerting."

"So who does go to hell? I mean, what are the criteria?"

"We mostly get people like you."

"…fair enough. So… is there anything else on the tour?"

"Nope. Time to get to the torturing, I think. Hey, Fred!"

"Yeah, Roy?" Fred the Demon asked.

"Could you set up some torture for this guy?"

"Sure! How evil is he?"

" 'Killed his dad' evil. But he does get the 'dad was a douchebag' defense. However, even considering that he also has 'evil world domination mind destroyer' in the negative column."

"Oooooh, I'll get the acid leeches!" Fred said gleefully.

"Acid leeches? That's it? That's kinda tame, for an evil of my stature." Malik said disappointedly.

"What, you could do better?" Roy asked doubtfully.

"Well, yeah! I mean, it wouldn't even be hard."

"Okay, how's this. You take one of OUR torturees, and make him feel WORSE, and if you do, I'll postpone your unholy punishment by one hour. Agreed?"

"Hee, hee, hee…" Yami Malik laughed, moving in the general direction of a tortured soul.

Five minutes later…

"… I think I'm going to be sick…" Roy said. "I mean, there's evil… and then there's madness… but you… you're the most horrible thing I've ever seen, and I live in HELL."

"I think I earned my hour?" Yami Malik said smugly.

"I… uh… man, I'm not really allowed to do that… okay, okay, how about double or nothing? Bet you can't do it again?"

"Hee hee hee…"

Five minutes later…

"URK!" Roy said, throwing up.

"C'mon, anyone else want to bring it? C'mon, anyone? Try me. I will go sadistic all OVER your ass." Yami Malik crowed. "You guys are just a buncha pansies, deep down, huh?"

"**ENOUGH**!" a five-story tall black demon whose body was covered in vicious barbs roared, acid running from his mouth and his eyes glowing with horrible flames. "**I AM THE GREAT DEMON EDRAZEEL, HELL'S MASTER OF TORTURE! I CHALLENGE THEE TO A CONTEST IN THE WAYS OF PAIN, FOOL MORTAL! SHOULD I WIN, I WILL RECEIVE THY SOUL AS MY PERSONAL TOY, TO DELIVER UNTO IT AGONIES UNIMAGINED BY EVEN THE DENIZENS OF HELL THEMSELVES!"**

"And if I win… hmmm… I get your job."

"**BAH! NO PUNY MORTAL CAN MATCH MY POWERS IN THE ARTS OF EVIL! ONLY THE DARK LORD SATAN CAN MATCH MY SADISM AND HORROR!"**

"Chaunticleer."

"**…HUH?"**

"The dark lord Chaunticleer. Geez, you've been here since the beginning of time and you didn't know that?" Yami Malik said dismissively. "I bet you're the loser who thought up 'Fluffy Kitten Hell' over there." He continued, motioning to a group of fluffy kittens playing with a group of people who didn't look very tortured at ALL.

"**I… UM… I… UH… OH, MY."**

"Hee, hee, hee…"

Five Minutes Later…

"ALL HAIL HIGH TORTURER MALIK, DEMON LORD OF THE ABYSS!" the hordes of darkness roared.

"Ah, now this is the life." Yami Malik said, kicking back on his throne of skulls. "Second in command of evil throughout all creation, hordes of demons under my control, eternal dark power at my fingertips… I've never been happier. This is, well… ironically, Heaven! I love it here! Getting killed was the best thing that ever happened to me!" he said, smiling satisfiedly and drinking some delicious demon wine. Then, oddly, he started to float.

"Um… what?"

"Hey, what's happening to you?" Roy the demon asked.

"THAT'S WHAT I WANT TO KNOW!" Yami Malik screamed in frustration as he continued to float upwards, seemingly for no reason, towards a giant beam of light that had emerged. "WHAT'S GOING ON? I DON'T WANT TO GO! I DON'T WANT TO! I DON'T…" Malik continued screaming, until he fell into the light…

* * *

"We've done it! We've actually brought a human being back from the dead! We're going to be famous!" The blimp medic said, hugging his nurse.

"Oooooh… wha?" Yami Malik asked groggily.

"Oh, sir, it was amazing! We're not even real doctors, and you were legally dead for nearly twenty minutes, but even with only a first aid kit, we were able to bring you back from the dead after multiple gunshots at point-blank range! We've defied all the laws of nature to do it, but we've actually discovered the secret to eternal life! We can restore the dead!" the medic said, practically crying in joy.

"I still can't believe we managed it! I guess it's amazing what you can do when you really, really need to fill a plot hole." The nurse said cheerfully.

"I… I see…" Yami Malik said in a voice that sounded somewhere between sorrow and fury. "I'm… back alive?"

"Yes, in a miracle of the greatest proportions! I just wish that… well, anyone else on the blimp cared about human life enough to be here to see it! But still, we've done the impossible!"

"I'm… back alive."

"Yes, sir, I think we've made that pretty clear." The medic said irritably.

"And… since I'm back alive… I have to play cards with losers, in order to have a fairly minor and unlikely shot at the kind of power I just got… for free… in Hell." Malik said.

"Oh, the poor dear is in shock. We should let him get some rest." The nurse said kindly. The two medical personnel left Yami Malik alone to sleep.

"Have fun?" Evil Bakura asked, materializing from the shadows.

"WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?" Yami Malik roared.

"Oh, nothing. Didn't you know? The story automatically fixes itself to fill in plot holes like having no villain!"

"But... they have you! Why couldn't you just be the villain?"

"I'm... somewhat incapacitated... BAKURA, STOP SINGING! YAMI GET OFF THE CUSHIONS! MALIK, THE PUNCH BOWL IS NOT FOR BATHING!" He suddenly screamed into thin air.

"... getting a little crowded in there?"

"You have no idea. And considering one of them is a gift from YOU, I had no real problem in helping the story get back on-line."

"How so?"

"Oh, nothing much. I just had a little chat with some of my old friends in the underworld, and guess what? Next time you die, there won't be any paperwork screw-ups in the system! You get to go to ancient Egyptian hell, which means your soul will be eaten by a rather absurd sounding monster. Isn't that GREAT? Looks like you should try to lead a LONG, HAPPY, DEMON-FREE life playing CARDS! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Damn, I am SO evil... GAH!" he suddenly shouted, tripping over his shoelaces, which had mystically untied themselves.

-_Isn't it great that even when something happens to him, we don't feel anything?- _Yami asked.

_I'm liking it!-_ Malik, still taking a bath in the spiritual punch bowl, agreed.

-_Okay, as much as I hate to agree with anything that jerk says, you totally should NOT be taking a bath in that punch. It's for everyone.-_

Yami Malik, meanwhile, barely noticed the somewhat pained spirit on the floor... a sign of his mental state. _Hmmmm. _He thought. _I'm back to life, and freed from a realm of eternal evil and hellfire to have a second chance at life, which will probably last a long time given that I'm fairly healthy. _

He considered that thought for a second.

"WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!" He cried, bursting into tears.


	27. Chapter Twentyfour

Chapter 24: Malik had to go to Hell, so why not everyone else?

"I wish I was still dead." Yami Malik sighed.

"WOOT!" Yugi howled. "Malik's back! We have a villain again! The show can go on!"

"Wh-what about me?" Rebecca asked.

"What ABOUT you, didn't-qualify girl?" Yugi asked coldly. "We need real villainy, powerful villainy, CARD-BASED villainy!"

"Yes, you can murder people in cold blood, but can you play Hearts?" Misty said dryly, rolling her eyes.

"… am I the only one who noticed that guy just came back from the dead?" Brock asked.

"Oh god the voices are back!" Kaiba shrieked.

"Look, Ricky…" Joey began.

"Brock."

"Whatever. The point is, Stanley, that in this world, we don't ask questions. Just accept everything that happens at face value, and certainly do not challenge anything the author just happens to throw into the story in his random fits of 'creativity', and for God's sake just keep your mouth shut when Kaiba is sane. Follow these simple rules, and hopefully the hurting will stop soon." Joey advised sagely. Then he was attacked by the monkey that had been following Bakura around for using quotation marks to imply I'm not creative. Jerk.

As Joey made the effort the dislodge the screaming primate from his face, the other members of the group turned back to the matter at hand. "Well, regardless of your miraculous return from the dead, you ARE back. And now you can take over the villain role!"

"Why?" Yami Malik asked dully. "What's the point? Even if I acquire ultimate power in the mortal realm, which is damnably unlikely given that the heroes always win in the end, I'm still doomed to die one day and become food for a giant hippo-crocodile! Why bother anymore?"

"Actually, it's a giant hippo-crocodile-lion." Isis said helpfully.

"Oh, that's MUCH better." Yami Malik said sarcastically.

"But… but you have to have a villain vs. villain duel with Bakura! You need to beat Joey! You need to ADVANCE THE FREAKIN' SCRIPT!" Yugi protested.

"Sigh… look, Yugi, I'm sure I'll feel those old evil impulses coming on sooner or later… Ra knows your shrieking, girlish voice makes me want to commit mass-murder pretty effectively. It's just… right now, I'm so… unmotivated. There must be SOMEONE else who can take over for a little while…"

"Oooooooh! Me, me!" Rebecca said.

"HA! You didn't even qualify for the tournament! We need card-based villainy, not LAME-based." Yugi said coldly.

"You… you don't have to be so mean about it."

"I tell it like it is, sistah." Yugi said solemnly.

"So, what ARE you going to do?" Misty asked. "You don't have a villain, so you can't continue the storyline."

"Well, we still have some extra material to put in. We could… um… go through Malik's origins?" Isis suggested.

"Do we really need to? I mean, he's evil. What more do we need?" Joey asked.

"Well, we need to take up as much time as possible until a villain becomes available. So why not? May as well learn some Malik-trivia." Yugi said, uninterested.

"Very well. Although I must warn you, it comes across a little odd." Isis cautioned them.

"Why is that?"

"Well, it's just that… you know, sometimes things get censored a little when they come to the USA from Japan. And… sometimes the censorship is… poorly done. In this particular case, the censorship was a little… well, I'll just come right out and say it was a botched job," Isis said, a little embarrassed.

"Well, we're just killing time in any case. Go ahead and roll it, I suppose…"

* * *

(Scene: The abode of the Tomb-Keeper Clan, on a lovely sunny day, near the exit.) 

Lil' Malik: (_Eager, but also clearly filled with terror_) So, Sis, can we go out today? I would so dearly love to see the marketplace! (_His lips are mouthing words that are slightly difficult to make out, but clearly include the words 'If father catches us' and 'crucified'._)

Isis: (_Smiling nervously. A very poorly drawn and clearly added-in after the fact bird lands on her shoulder and begins singing._) Why certainly, beloved brother! Although we shall have to be careful, for father may be cross with us. (_Again, her lips are difficult to read, but the word 'death' is mentioned more than once.)_

Odion: (_Terrified, and apparently questioning why HE has to be the one to watch their backs_) Don't worry, I shall make certain none of this visit to the surface is discovered by our beloved father, leader of our stable family unit!

Isis: (_Worried_) Well, I'm not worried! We shall hurry back, after having great fun and games!

(_The two real Ishtar siblings go out and spend the day in a scenic marketplace in some generic Egyptian city. Despite deep worries that their father might catch them, they enjoy themselves. Malik sees a motorcycle for the first time, and immediately notices it.)_

Malik: (_Smiling evilly, and rubbing his hands together conspiratorially._) Oh, what a marvelous means of conveyance! I certainly hope to one day possess one bought through entirely legitimate means.

Isis: (_Smacks him in face_) Why, I'm certain you shall! Because other means of acquiring goods/services, such as theft, are very wrong!

Malik: (_Fingers crossed behind back_) Why, dear sister, I would NEVER turn to crime. (_Oddly, one gets the impression that he said those exact words, but perhaps not with the happy, totally non-sarcastic tone used in the dub.) _

(_After a fun day in the city, the Ishtar siblings return home to find Odion missing from the front door, and discover they tripped some sort of alarm on their way out.)_

Isis: (_Horrified_) Oh, dear. Father may be cross with us now!

Malik: (_Panicked_). We should hurry, so he no longer worries about us! Why, he may be weakening Odion with the Millennium Rod!

(_Scene: Papa Ishtar mercilessly beating Odion like a punching bag with his bare hands. The young man falls to the floor, blood flowing freely from his mouth and nose.) _

Papa Ishtar: I have weakened you with the Millennium Rod, as evidenced by the scene of a glowing eye that was almost definitely dubbed over any scene of violence that may have taken place.

Odion: (_Unconscious_) I am weakened!

Papa Ishtar: Malik! There you are! Because Odion didn't stop you from leaving, I am exiling him! (_Gets out his knife, presumably to 'exile' Odion.)_

Malik: (_Dark energy roaring around him, a glowing eye on his forehead, and veins bursting around his face. His expression is mixed rage, terror, and pain._) I don't like that. I'll use this Rod to stop you!

Papa Ishtar: That is bad, and not nice!

Malik: (_Clearly now Yami-ed up, and eying his father like a cat would eye a mouse!_) I don't care! I am an evil person who doesn't listen to my father, or eat vegetables!

Papa Ishtar: WHAT? You don't eat vegetables? (_His face says 'terror', but his tone of voice says that not eating your vegetables at dinner is akin to a war crime.) _

Yami Malik: No, bwahahaha! And to demonstrate my evil, I shall banish you to the shadow realm!

(_Yami Malik then unhooks the Millennium Rod's inner knife, and kills his father, then CUTS THE SKIN OFF HIS FATHER'S BACK. That's right, he SKINS HIS FREAKIN' DAD. Then he takes the bloody skin, with the tomb-keeper tattoos on it, and DRAPES IT OVER ODION, mocking his desire to be a member of the clan.)_

Yami Malik: I have banished my father to the Shadow Realm, as evidenced by the glowing eye that once again should have been dubbed over any scene of violence! I am evil!

"STOP!" Misty shouted, breaking the flashback and turning a little green around the gills.

"But why? There wasn't much more, just a nice little bit with Shadi showing up and pretty much framing Yami for the whole thing to try to spare Malik's fragile psyche." Isis said, confused.

"That was the most disgusting thing I've ever seen! I thought you said it was going to be censored!" Misty proclaimed. Ash, for his part, appeared to be having a seizure. "Look, you shorted out poor Ash's brain! He doesn't know how to deal with genuine violence!"

"Well, it clearly was censored! Didn't you hear the dialogue?" Isis questioned.

"Well, they clearly forgot to censor the 'Silence of the Lambs' moment! YOU! You are a BAD MAN!" Misty said, pointing accusingly at Yami Malik. For his part, he merely looked nostalgic.

"Ah, my first wake-up. Good times, good times…" He said wistfully. "Back when the world made sense. Oh, to return to the days of my youth, when the world was crisp and clear, and patricide was in the air…"

"You people… you're sick. You're ALL sick." Misty said, shivering.

"Now, we're not all like that," Yugi said comfortingly. "Most of us only inflict vast bodily harm, we don't actually finish the other guy off."

"I finish them off, but only when I'm really, really annoyed." Serenity said cheerfully.

"I like pie!" Tristan said.

"Case in point." Serenity growled, sharpening her Katana.

Joey shook his head. "Where DOES she keep that thing when she's not using it?" he muttered.

"Well, we've done the flashback, what now?" Duke 'Meaningless' Devlin asked.

"We could watch Serenity murder Tristan!" Rebecca suggested.

"Yeah, but that won't take long. We need something a little more extended. Something more time-consuming." Yugi said.

"Ooooooooooooooh, maybe Shadi will show up to dispense enigmatic wisdom! I love that!" Pegasus said.

"Maybe!" Joey agreed.

Silence.

For maybe two minutes, the only sound was the blimp's engine running. Nobody spoke, they just sat and waited.

And waited.

"Huh. Looks like Shadi isn't coming." Pegasus said.

"Well, that's disappointing." Isis said, pouting a little bit.

"Man, this is lame! We have nothing to do, and no villain to fight!" Joey snapped. "If only we had some… fill-in villain, who could just show up for a few episodes, then leave when one of the real villains is ready to go again! That would be nice."

"NO!" Yugi screamed. "NO! WHY WOULD YOU SAY THAT?"

"What's wrong?"  
"Do you not know what you did?" Duke asked furiously. "You just wished for a FILLER ARC! I should know, I'm FROM one!"

Joey paled. "Oh lord, I did! What was I thinking?"

"Okay, this may still be salvageable. Everyone, stay very quiet, and don't say, think, or feel ANYTHING. Don't even breathe. If we're lucky, no filler arcs heard that, and they'll just go by without bothering us." Isis said nervously.

There was absolute silence for several seconds, as the cast huddled in terror. Then, unfortunately, Tristan said, "Man, it would totally suck if the Big Five were in this filler arc we're trying to avoid, huh?"

Just then, the blimp's computer flashed wildly as an outside source took control of it, steering the vehicle down towards a massive fortress that emerged from the ocean.

"DAMMIT, TRISTAN!" The cast screamed in unison.

"What?" Tristan asked. "It totally would suck."

* * *

After the blimp had finished docking into the underwater fortress, a sort of annoying, screechy voice said over a loudspeaker, "Welcome, Seto! I see you've finally found your way down to my lair! Now, if you and all your friends would disembark, we can meet in person… and prepare for your destruction! BWAHAHAHA!" 

Nobody moved. "Nobody move, maybe he can't see us if we don't move." Yugi whispered.

"Um… Seto? You there? I've hijacked your blimp, don't you want to meet me and fight back? Seto?" the voice asked.

"I just love pancakes," Seto said, his eyes focused in different directions.

"Is… is something wrong with Seto, you guys?" the voice asked. "Oh, quit acting like three-year-olds, I know you're there. Just talk to me."

"All right, all right." Yugi said, resignedly. "Look, dude, Kaiba isn't really in any condition to be doing anything more complex than drooling, right at the moment, so if you don't mind, we still haven't even figured out how we're going to finish our own tournament. We really WANT to help you with your filler arc…"

"We SO do not…" Serenity muttered.

"… but we're sort of busy right now. Can you… can you come back later?"

"Or never?" Joey asked hopefully.

"NO! No, I've waited too long for Seto to show up! This is exactly the situation I was waiting for, and I don't care if he's ready or not! It is ON!" the voice said.

"No, it's not on." Misty said, looking at Kaiba.

"Oh, it's on."

"No, it really isn't." Isis agreed.

"It is ON."

"No, it's not!" Yugi screamed. "Look, it can't be on if both parties don't agree, and Kaiba is not currently in a state to agree!"

An automated machine gun attached to the ceiling activated and aimed at the crowd. "A-hem!" the voice on the loudspeaker said.

"Okay, okay, it's on." Yugi grumbled.

"Ready to move on? Now, everyone disembark, please." As the cast prepared to do so, however, the machine gun opened fire at the ground in front of Ash, Misty, and Brock. "Duelists only!"

"Okay, geez, no need to be so touchy. Didn't wanna be in your stupid filler arc anyway…" Misty grumbled.

"Now, dear, no need to be bitter." Isis said calmly, walking for the exit ramp to the blimp… when the machine gun opened fire at the ground in front of her.

"HEY! Duelist, see?" She said, pointing at her DuelDisc.

"Don't care, you're not in the revenge script!" The voice said adamantly. "You too, you guys with the girly hair!" it continued, the machine gun swiveling slightly to point at Malik and Pegasus.

"But I'm a duelist too!" Yami Malik protested.

"I invented the freakin' game!" Pegasus complained.

"YOU are not in the damn REVENGE SCRIPT!" the voice shrieked. "DO WHAT I SAY!"

"Revenge… script?" Yugi said, suspiciously. Then he glanced at Kaiba. "You know, that sounds AWFULLY familiar…"

"Hey, did I say you should stop and think? Just get down there and get on with the filler arc! And bring Seto!" the voice commanded. "Hey, what a minute… you guys in the back, what the heck are you doing?"

Tristan, Tea, Serenity, Mokuba and Duke looked up from a game of poker they had begun, assuming they had nothing to do with what was going on. "What? You said 'duelists only', and we're not…" Mokuba began.

"YOU ARE IN THE SCRIPT!" The voice shrieked.

"But you said that duelists…"

"DO WHAT I **MEAN, **NOT WHAT I SAY! GOD, ARE YOU PEOPLE JUST COMPLETE MORONS?"

"Oh, someone here is, that's for sure…" Serenity muttered darkly, dusting herself off and disembarking. "Man, I hate filler arcs."

* * *

"BWAHAHAHAHAHA! At last, my evil plan has gone off without a hitch!" Noah said cheerfully. 

"Sir, it took fifteen minutes to get them down a total of ten stairs. And that was WITH machine guns. And in the process, you came off looking like an absolute buffoon. That is not 'without a hitch'," the Computer said, in a tone indicating long-standing exhaustion.

"Okay, there were some minor problems, but overall, this has gone fairly well. I have them, after all, and Seto is, in the physical sense at least, here. The trap is sprung!"

"But they haven't actually fallen into the real trap yet…"

"It is SPRUNG!" Noah said stubbornly.

"But what if they find the control center? They have to walk right past it to get to the holo-auditorium…"

"THE TRAP IS &#(&#( SPRUNG!" Noah screamed.

"All right, all right." the Computer said, apparently deciding it wasn't worth the argument. "But sir… wait, one of the subjects was not designated in the revenge script you prepared!" The computer warned him, focusing a camera in on Rebecca. "Shall I activate the automated defenses and eliminate her?"

"Um… no…" Noah said, blushing.

"… oh, no. Oh, sir, NO, please no…"

"She has cute glasses…" Noah said.

"There is no possible way this can end well." The computer moaned.

* * *

"Dammit all, not you guys!" Mokuba whined, upon entering the base's holographic amphitheater and seeing none other than the 'legendary' and 'feared' evil businessmen, the Big Five, displayed on the monitors. 

"That's right! I, the brilliant Noah, have acquired the Big Five to do my evil bidding!" A small blue-haired boy appeared on the monitor above the group, smirking in a manner he probably deemed to be evil.

"So?" Joey asked.

"I'd be more threatened by a girl-scout troop. These losers aren't scary, they're just annoying." Yugi agreed.

"Silence! They're highly… highly… oh, who am I kidding? They suck." Noah said. "A general goes to war with the army he has, not the army he wants."

"Hey!" Gansley said. "We may not be intimidating, but we're… we're old!"

"Oh, that's going to really scare them." Lector said sarcastically.

"Well, no it won't. We did just establish that we're not intimidating, just old." Nesbitt interjected.

"Some of us are fat!" Crump added helpfully.

"We're annoying! I mean REALLY annoying. That counts for something!" Johnson said.

Yugi gave Noah a glare that could have withered grass.

"Look, did I not just say that they're the best minions I could come up with on short notice?" Noah protested. "It's not my fault they're more geared toward banking than evil!"

"Well, whatever. Now that we've all been introduced, let's get out of here." Joey said.

"…what? What about… y'know, fighting my businessmen?"

"Not interested." Duke 'Useless' Devlin agreed. "Believe me, I know filler arcs. In the long run, nobody is going to be happy we did this. I certainly wish I had never had my own filler arc, so I could just stay home instead of getting roped into these people's ridiculous problems."

"Well… um… HA! You can't leave, because I locked the door to this room behind you!" Noah proclaimed.

"No, you didn't." Tristan said, opening it.

"DAMMIT! Well, close it, please." Noah said. Tristan did so, and the door clicked. "HA! I've locked the door behind you!"

"Tristan, why did you do that? Now we're stuck here!" Serenity protested.

"I didn't think it mattered. There's a clearly labeled exit right over there!" Tristan said, pointing at it.

"WHAT? WHO PUT THAT THERE?" Noah shrieked. "Well… um… ha! You'll never reach it, because I'll drop you into a virtual program before then!" he pressed an unseen button on the panel in front of him, opening a trap door… in the center of the room, where no-one was standing.

Yugi looked like he was struggling not to laugh. Joey wasn't even being that polite. "BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

"COMPUTEEEEEEER! THEY'RE BEIN' MEAN TO MEEEEEE!" Noah whined.

"::SIGH::… Don't worry sir, I prepared a contingency for this situation." The computer said. "Activate program MasterIsStupid­­exe. Command execute!" The computer said.

Suddenly, the entire floor of the room the group was standing in opened in a single huge trap door.

Standing on air, the group looked down, then up at Noah, then back down.

"Well, this is bad." Tea noticed.

Then they fell.

"Well, I think that went well." Noah mentioned.


End file.
